cleaning and prep for guests continues...

 

love the cleaning part. of course, i realize that my level of what is considered "clean" can be very different from others.  still, nice to get a layer of crap and dirt out of the way.  i need more visitors for this push to get stuff done

this spring/summer i have bagged over 10 bags i think of old cloths/linen.  i still have way too many clothes but it is good to drop them in the bins for others to use.  sad how much we hang on to. things that have memories attached or are just way too small. i think also we think of the money spent and hate to just feel that was wasted.  there were some cute old tops that i went to some fun parties in...they had their day and i had my day in them.  it was time to let them go.  

always great to re-organize as well.  need to start going through all these photo albums. they take up a lot of room and over time they are falling apart.  figure i should give photo's of the nieces and nephews to them as i think their kids and their kids kids eventually would enjoy them. pare down a bit.  maybe select some favorites for a few albums. there are just some things that are tough to know what to do with...though i know after i die someone will unceremonially  dump them. not much of this stuff in our lives really matters. it's the memories. those are inside of us and go with us to whatever happens after our time here.

still, i do enjoy the photo's and the memories.  the clothes are easier. there are actually other humans that may enjoy your cast offs. the first load i took to the womens shelter.  this last load went to the ARC of Anchorage. 

made a run to Valdez on my last stretch off.  lots of rain in town off and on. the big tent i stayed in was a bit chilly.  okay once i was snuggled in my bag.  always beautiful scenery. 

the lupine was out like crazy, which was really the big drive for me to load up. 

got a big pre-set up tent at the KOA. i thought a little bag had been snagged from the community bathroom area. i actually just found it though under the seats in the back. it had dropped down.  so the KOA is pretty safe.  no bears sighted. i took my little boat for a possible paddle. the ice bergs are huge and i didn't think it was overly safe to be out there alone. 

it's been cloudy or rainy nearly the entire summer so far.  a few days here and there. the weather does look like it may be nice next week when my nieces get here. it will be a crazy week filled with activity so should be fun. 

the dog park has been closed this past week. a little oil spill is getting cleaned up. all the rain sounds to have caused some source to overflow.  i have been going there, but just avoiding the lake itself.  so far it's been fine.  the spill is at the outlet area so pretty easy to avoid really. 

meeting at least one friend for a walk in a bit here so i thought i'd toss in a blog post real quick. 

actually did the campbell airstrip on my own the other day, the 4th of july.  really not big on celebrating the 4th. our nation feels so f'd up with our past potus and his cult followers seeming ready to revolt.  

i feel like the past few years have been very stressful. i stress that is just there below the surface at all times. this past month or so i've had strange numbness and tingling sensations that move from place to place on my face, nose, tongue, hands. i'm noting that it seems to follow my new friend, anxiety.  

the other night as i was getting ready for work and heading to work these symptoms seemed to escalate as i felt myself hitting a full panic attack.  i got report and started to do my job and it all just went away. so many other things it could be.  MS, pinched nerve, carotids, stroke...it's not one sided, no other symptoms other than the increased anxiety and panic. seems almost a bit of agoraphobia.  i have been slower and slower to leave the house for walks these past few months/years i think. i'm noticing as soon as i start to text and make plans...i can start to have the mixed sensations. 

i do have a Dr appointment scheduled.  may need to get on something more regular for the anxiety until i can get it better controlled and i want to see if there are other tests i should have to rule out other things. 

i suspect all of the stresses have just caught up with me.  a mini mental breakdown, slow and steadily worsening. strange. between covid, work, family, dealing more with the impacts of the church i grew up in, the politics of the day and the loss of Tusker, Ivy surgery...

part of me actually feels like my body is reacting because i am recovery. my body feels safe enough to release the stress. it's how things have happened in the past. your body seems to protect you during the worst of it all. eventually, you have to go through the stress that's built up. even just years of being a nurse, and animal nurse.  dealing with everyone else's trauma, drama, death.  you take all the emotions and cram them far away.  you have to deal with what is in front of you.  covid really just brought it all to the forefront.  

i think also i finally stopped trying to appease people.  before i just almost allowed myself to be the bad guy in my family.  i mean i was the one who left the church, im the one who rocked the boat. perhaps i was the one who deserved what ever came to me.  i never would counter their judgement by just saying the words out loud...i do not believe your church is true.  we never had those conversations. they  just assumed the worst of me and continued with their beliefs.  i think the nasty message from my brother broke me in that way.  they gave him the benefit of the doubt and doubted me.  

it was laid bare.  i would never fully be accepted or respected. the worst would be imagined.  at some point you have to stop chasing after people and relationships that are just not going to emerge.  for decades the bulk of the effort was me.  i have called less and less and i have found that the less i call the less contact we have...it was me that created and continued these so called relationships. 

at some point you have to stop chasing and hoping for relationships with people who really aren't that into having a relationship with you.  let them go.  accept things as they are instead of hoping or forcing them to be different.  the reunion was kind of it for me.  a time to bid those relationships farewell one last time. 

it doesn't mean i have hate or  would refuse a call or contact.  just that for me...covid made all things more clear.  who was supportive, who actually wanted me in their lives.  less is better.  i'd rather have just a few close people than loads of surface bull. 

so it's been painful and i'm sure i have buried a lot...much that is no doubt being released.  

have been working on this guys hair the last few days.  i go back and forth between leaving him all fluffy and with long hair and trimming him up.  i think it's relaxing and bonding though the grooming bit for both of us. 

in truth as a single female...touch is nearly non-existent. grooming and contact with even a dog is some contact. haha. probably healthy for us both.  he looks adorable either way. 

lots of cleaning to do still. i'll need to hit the pet store after the walk.  write up something for the pet sitter. she's stopping by this evening. 

the pets have really been a life saver for me these past few years i think. i'm always grateful for the connection i have with animals.  it's been huge for me

just writing this stuff has brought up the anxiety level for me. 

my back has been getting sore this past week.  actually called out last night. it was just the one night and my back was really tweaking. i took a muscle relaxant and headed to bed early. i've been awake early this past week.  the other day i woke up at like 3 am.  had gone to bed early too since i'd worked 3 nights. 

it was pouring and the neighbors across the street had a door open on their car.  i had gotten into a cleaning mode with the 3 am wake up...so on one of my trash take outs i walked over in the rain and closed the door.

earlier that day the neighborhood dogs were going nuts and then my dogs were going nuts. i looked out and there was a mama and baby moose hauling arse down the street.  too fast for me to get a photo. the neighborhood facebook group later said there was a black bear checking garbage bins. probably what got her spooked. 

she is down to one calf so the bears probably got one already. 

she's a tough mama so i'm sure she put up a fight. 

want to check the WARIS mail as well. worked CSU the past 2 shifts. ICU for 2 shifts. would have been in CSU again i think. they are super short staffed.  not bad nights at all.

was on call the first night and only ever got one patient in. 

so that was really nice. got called in fairly early as well. patient didn't come for several hours. helped with a trauma patient.  yikes is all i can say on that one. guess they are doing better.  that was one lucky person!

eagle river nature center fairly early on in the spring...on a nice day.  i think i had a massage that day.  often dog free after the massage i head out there. the massage never lasts long so it gets tough to justify the expense. 

gotta pay bills tomorrow morning. we get paid.  i do have the holiday pay coming for the next round so that will be nice. 

always love all the reflections.  

rain again last night.  

it's just been that kind of summer.  already some mushrooms popping up so hopefully we will get loads of mushrooms this summer.  

winter will come again soon enough. strange that with all this rain we've had we haven't had that many rainbows. this place can get crazy with rainbows. 

i should stop and get the oil changed on the element. maybe tomorrow. 

want to move the little boat over to the element now that all the clothes were dropped off

it's all green up here now.  don't feel i've been very adventurous this year.  oh well.  still seen some pretty things and i'm happy i took the chance at the run to Valdez. it's a long drive but a pretty one. 

grateful for A.  healing even it it means added anxiety for a bit B. acceptance even if the acceptance is also painful and disappointing.  C. the animals and the humans who stay in my life because they want to. who accept me, who actually appreciate and like me.