questions....

 

got asked a few questions while this crew was here and also my friend was asking me a few questions so....i'll see what answers i can come up with. 

i don't think we always have actual answers to some questions.  we can never really know.  relationships...i have had many short term relationships.  in retrospect i suspect men were fun, toys, companionship but i never met one that i really felt was the guy. i'd seen enough not so great relationships to not want to risk that. 

my 20's were spent figuring out who i was, what i believed still, what to do with the remainder of this life.  in that time i'm sure i was on the hunt for the guy.  i think, especially in that time, we were programmed to find a mate.  we were not complete without one.  we needed a guy to take care of us. i never thought i was spinster material. those women were deemed strange.  i wasn't strange. 

in the end, i think those women were often just independent and strong.  they probably had, in many cases a much happier existence. so many lives during the years past, the women were just an adjunct to their spouse. what they wanted was not really all that factored in.  even now for women making a good match is considered  a life goal.  not sure the same pressure is put on men. 

mostly, my 20's and 30's i just flit around, dating multiple guys, none of them really sticking or me probably pushing them away. i was independent.  the average guy, especially, religious sorts, are not that keen on independent, outspoken, opinionated females. it takes a confident guy to accept that, to take on a woman like that. 

i got a lot of experience, met a lot of folks and just had a great time. there was heartbreak at times, of course, but over all, i'd say no regrets. 

i just look back now and suspect that the truth that i didn't see in myself was that i wasn't all that keen on finding a mate.  i mean, people who desperately want to get married or have kids...they do it.  they are often miserable, but they reach that goal. i think having that need actually puts people in a terrible and desperate position of settling for a partner who is not a match but is available and willing 

i felt lonely much of my life. i was surrounded by people and yet i felt lonely. i learned a long time ago that being alone is much better than being surrounded by people and being alone. i just never fit in with the life i was in.  it was a crowd and i have never been keen on crowds.  i started to fit in once i started putting distance between myself and the church.  the only place i did enjoy with church 100% was the girls camping program. back then it was geared towards basic life skills, camping skills, friendship.  i stayed with the camping program even as i left the religion. 

it was changing though. i saw it.  they were destroying the experience i'd enjoyed as they pushed more and more religion and indoctrination into it. priesthood leadership that was required was not screened well and a few perverts embraced the chance to be in that position and be near a throng of teen girls. 

fuck the patriarchy. i grew less and less keen on all that as well. how the men wanted a certain type of mormon girl, how we were all trying so hard to be that specific non-existent person and failing. always failing. never enough. it was never enough. once you leave, you start to learn that you are enough. still i suspect i'd had enough of the patriarchy to last a life time. 

still, i felt this drive to find a mate.  i just assumed i'd find one and have kids.  that is what you do, that is the life plan for all females. it just never happened and at some point you start to think, i'd better take care of me. make sure i can depend on me.  i'd been changing majors, flitting through various colleges and universities.  i am the most highly educated but under degree'd folks out there. i don't regret that either. i took so many fun courses on interesting subjects.  i learned a ton.  sad to me that so many college students now are forced to make a rapid choice and hone in on that. it seems too expensive now not to.  i was gifted to be able to take many courses on various subjects that have stuck with me my entire life time.  plants, animals, marine biology, ecology, poetry, photography...i dabbled. at some point i had to find a career so i could take care of me

my dream job of veterinarian...well, all that flitting about did not leave me with the greatest gpa and you can't get into vet school without that. nursing though, i could just leap right in.  has it been my favorite job, not really.  it has been more than excellent though. a surprise for me really.  once i got past wiping butts...something that once it occurred to me it was better to be the butt wiper than the person so sick they can't wipe their own butt...then i was on my way. 

being a nurse has allowed me to have a great life experience.  i could support myself.  i could move anywhere.  it got me to Alaska.  it got me nearly 2 weeks off each month to live life.  it allowed me to support myself. it is also a constant reminder of how precious life is, how fragile.  a reminder to enjoy each day we are gifted and our health to be able to live a full life...we see all those who do not have this.  we see the people who worked their asses off only to finally retire and have a medical issue/accident take them before they ever enjoyed much of this gift of life. being a nurse also allowed me to meet some of the coolest people.  many strong and independent females just like me. 

i was also able to work with animals through my 20's. this also brought me life long friendships and amazing experiences. life is to be lived.  far too many live life for some unknown after life.  you can still be a decent, moral, ethical person without the constant guilt religion seems to impart on so many of it's members. so many religions have this fear and anxiety built in.  one of my best decisions was walking away. 

it's been very complex as far as family and i should have figured crap out sooner.  should have detached emotionally much sooner.  it was a no win really.  i was always going to be viewed as less than, as an other.  honestly, in many ways it would have been easier to have just been cut off.  at least it would force you to move forward and not have all this misguided hope.  the relationships can be tough with people who believe. the worst is often assumed of you.  i don't even know that they are aware of it really...i think it's just how it happens. so i was lonely being surrounded. once you leave, there tends to be a gap that forms that is nearly impossible to bridge, no matter how much effort you put in. 

now i'm more of the it's not about hating, it's just learning to accept what they are capable of and moving down the road in my own experience.  they will never leave.  they will never ask the questions or hear the answers that were so clear to me when i was on my path away. they are in it, it works for them and at this point, in truth they wouldn't want to make such dramatic changes.  some still do i know but it wasn't the easy path, walking away.  which is honestly why people generally stick to things they know. 

people often live where they are planted, stay in jobs they hate, relationships that don't work, religions that in many cases they don't buy fully into.  it's easier to not rock the boat.  it was a tough road rocking the boat, but i am grateful every day that i made the leap. for me, i think i have much more joy and happiness than i ever would have if i'd stayed where i was planted. change is scary but we do adapt. 

the latest thing for me is what is coming next.  that is just another change. it will be scary but i'll adapt and i will thrive in the end. it's always just stressful making up your mind. once you do, you have to just leap and be willing to be uncomfortable for a bit. 

am i lonely some times. sure. i suspect everyone gets lonely....as i've said some are super lonely and they are surrounded by people who are the ones who are supposed to prevent that loneliness.  no life is perfect so you always have to accept some things.  i have to make big decisions alone. that can be daunting.  overall, it's not that bad. i rarely have any trauma in my life.  no arguments.  i have only myself to blame if i make errors.  like...dang i really should have just gone ahead and done the kitchen floors when i remodeled the kitchen.  i was sick of making decisions at that point.  floors are spendy and so i opted to wait.  oops.  i can live with most of the mistakes i make though. 

there could be a big earthquake tomorrow that would wipe out the entire house and when i redid the floors would not matter one bit 

marriage and relationships are not always a win.  50% end in divorce.  those being the ones that were bad enough that folks were willing to make the leap. then you have another large chunk of couples who remain married but truly can't stand each other, more that are there because of social/religious pressure.  others who stay because they are in abusive relationships and feel they can't escape. others who have kids and just can't imagine being totally alone for that.  there is also another subset of people who aren't in love, don't hate each other, but they maybe just have settled in as roommates really.  

so really, that leaves a pretty small percentage of marriages that are the truly happy bliss marriages that everyone imagines theirs will be on their wedding days. the odds are against it though.  i see those relationships the really good ones. in the hospital, end of life or during some tragedy or illness.  it does feel rare...yes, if i could feel secure that perhaps i was in one of those, well, maybe it would have been worth it.  

it's not that likely though. that is the reality.  i tend to be a realist. 

thankfully, i have always had great friends, some family that does actually accept me and a love of animals that has always brought me loads of comfort in the day to day. 

i have had a lot of great pets.  i feel badly this week as other than a great 4 days in Homer we have been pretty lazy. i know they deserve better on the days i get lazy, but overall, i think i do give them a pretty good life. 

my life is good, really good.  it has it's moments and the last few years with covid and some truth discoveries about what a family is and isn't...but in the end. i am grateful for covid and all the stress and anxiety. i feel like the politics, religion, pandemic...it brought out what is really important.  who really cares about you. who you really care about. clarity has been a gift, even if it's been a painful gift at times. it's still a life lesson that i will be grateful for. i had to be hit over the head with it.  it finally happened though and that has made all the difference. 

so no long term relationships.  a lot of short term ones. my sex numbers would shock a few family members i guess.  as i said, no regrets.  you regret the things you don't do, don't experience way more than the ones you do.  the religion i grew up on i feel is stunting to life.  it prevents you from gaining life experiences.  you can only do the authorized experiences.  for some that is enough i guess.  i much prefer all the freedom that came with leaving and all the people and things i was able to do and meet by leaving. 

we were told we had free agency while also being told repeatedly to hold fast to the iron rod, do exactly as you are told to do.  all that you need to do to get to heaven, but not just heaven, the highest level of heaven.  threats of loss of this and that if you let go of the iron rod.  i'm so happy i tossed the iron rod aside and instead opted out and opted in to free agency.  according to the doctrine there was a battle in heaven before we were born and we fought for free agency...only to give it up by being born under the covenant.  to me that was and is just the most elitist doctrine.  that we were born into some better life because we'd fought so valiantly in the war in heaven.  an unnecessary war really.  if God is all powerful why would we need a war, why would this satan guy have so much control and power.  it all falls apart when you really examine all the bits and pieces. 

my guess is my siblings never felt i was intelligent enough to figure it out.  perhaps they will trust their own children when they figure it out.  as i said though, my feeling is once you reach a certain age, the last thing you want to admit or discover is that your whole life has been based on some perverted polygamist cult leader bull. taking in one or even two extra wives because there was so much loss as the "saints" marched to Utah is one thing but taking on 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+...that is straight up perversion.  also it started with the founder who never went to Utah. the lies are so numerous and silly.  i've covered it before in here. i just was never one who could look the other way at the nonsense we were supposed to look the other way about. 

for me, it was just straight up nonsense. 

guess i really should get the dogs walked. 

trek to Homer was great. so happy i had that extra day.  not loads of stars at Bishops Beach but still lots of cool stuff.  the last day i did go to the end of the spit and tide wasn't too low but low enough to enjoy the stars on the pilings...well until a pack of wild children stormed the area and just started grabbing sea stars, yanking them off poles.  all the other adults, aside from their oblivious parents, were horrified. as they tossed the stars, stacked them...it was nuts.  all the other adults did jump in and start to tell the kids this was not okay. 

saw a live octopus the first morning.  got video and i put my finger by one of the tentacles and it did latch on.  they are very strong. 

there is a baby walrus rescue at the SeaLife Center.  it's about a month and only 140 #. not eating great i guess so we shall see if it makes it.  i sent an email to volunteer to help with the cuddle times, no work back from them.  i also sent a donation.  

not loads of walrus on Round Island this year and only one camera working on one first beach. not much walrus action there. the crew will probably be leaving soon. so that's a bummer. 

where to walk.  you always worry about bears but you still gotta get out there. part of me worries that the odds are getting worse for me. i mean i've had several bear encounters but none have ended poorly for me or the dogs...makes me wonder when will that luck wear out. i'm getting older and slower.  i'm also more emotionally dependent on my dogs and cats so it's much harder when i do lose them.  you would think you'd get used to losing pets but i think it just gets compounded. 

will go see Oppenhiemer movie tonight with friends.  hear it's good but also long. 

may be a bit depressing. humans really do suck some times.

such a cute crew of pets i have.  they really do make me smile. 

got my next schedule put in. it never seems to go without a glitch. i had to call.  it kept saying days were already full and i get to schedule a day before everyone else so that wasn't true. so it took 3 tries to get it in. hopefully, it's how i wanted it.  

back to work tomorrow night. 

i do enjoy my time off. can't wait until i have even more time off.  life does feel like it's starting to normalize more post pandemic.  will it ever be the same, probably not.  i suspect i'll always have some anxiety related to work. i've been around death and other peoples trauma for decades, whether it was human or animals. that has to impact you.  you push it down so you can be strong for those who are immediately impacted but it impacts you too. i suspect covid just put us at a level where we could no longer brush it aside.  

have a good day.  any other questions? not sure i really answered anything.  haha. oh well. 

grateful for A.  another relaxing trek to Homer tide pools B. the octopus sighting C. places like SeaLife Center to try and rescue baby walrus and other marine creatures.