should be driving north right now....dang it!!

 

debated back and forth going/not going.  probably could go today as i no longer have a fever and feel a bit better.  i got the Hunter cabin about 3 miles north of here in Denali State Park. it's beautiful up there and would be awesome this time of year.  mushrooms, sandhills flying past.  perhaps a drive up to Denali National Park...

when you are feeling sick....it's just nicer to be home at night.  i have caught my first respiratory bug since before covid pandemic.  amazing really. i had just gone to the annual doc appointment and had mentioned i hadn't needed the inhalers but felt i should get them...the next cold bug is sure to happen. sure enough the next day i had a sore throat and felt generally achy and tired. 

by Saturday, it was hitting it's stride, fever and all. today it feels like it's gone bronchial, as it tends to do. lots of sinus pressure, coughing up gunk.  nobody planned on joining me at the cabin so last night i thought maybe i should just go for it. i'd been unable to sell off the cabin and it's too late for a refund. if nobody else is there i can cough like crazy and not bother anyone. 

if the cabin was closer to town...i think i may have been more likely to go for it. i do have to consider age too.  i'm not a spring chicken so if i have a medical issue i would be further out and have questionable phone coverage.  just felt smarter to let it go. so mixed emotions as i hate missing out, hate wasting the cabin. dang cold bugs! 

Friday, despite feeling sick, i did manage to get out to Girdwood.  did less than expected as i felt the bug coming on as i walked.  walking is my gauge.  we just did a slow walk of the crow pass end of winner creek. Saturday i didn't get the dogs walked at all.  just rare tennis ball time in the yard. i had fevers just under 101F and felt pretty crappy.  i did get the lawn mowed between naps.

yesterday i got a lot of stuff done at home between rests/naps. fever gone but still just felt really tired.  i even got showered and dressed and had great intentions to walk the dogs.  instead i ended up not walking and did multiple tennis ball play times in the yard. litter done, linen changed, vacuumed, groomed Sunny Boy, dishes, laundry.  that was enough to exhaust me as it turns out.  today i do hope i can get the dogs walked! a slow walk and mushroom hunt.  good for the lungs and the soul i think. 

not surprised i caught a bug. i did work picu. it's been ages and at first they had me slated to care for a kid that had a code cart outside the room. i balked.  felt i needed to get my feet wet again.  when you've been away awhile you don't necessarily want the sickest kid.  the staff, didn't know me and i didn't know them.  grateful for the vote of confidence but i'm more willing to speak out these days.  in the end i got the snot ridden babies.  haha.  may have sealed my fate on that one.  oh well. covid test negative. 

feels like the usual cold bugs of the past. there are 6 leg star species by the way, who knew. 

i also worked RCU one night so i finally got a break from ICU. really just need to get out of it all. it's time. i feel it. just need to decide where i want to land and when. it's been many years since i changed jobs.  

little 6 legger here. 

saw a clip about a thing called aphantasia. i had never heard of it.  guess it's not that well known.  anyway, perhaps it's some crap.  basically, they are claiming that some people when they close their eyes, or whatever, can't visualize things while others can.  when i close my eyes to try and visualize the things...well it's just a blank slate.  for some there are blurs or outlines, it's a range.  for some it's quite elaborate i guess. 

does kind of explain a few things if it really is a thing.  they say only 2-5% of population have a blank view when they try to visualize. my brief conversations with co-workers/friends makes me think it may be more widespread.  

i do have vivid dreams but dreams apparently come from a different section of the brain.  

i thought today that this may be one reason why i love photography and take so many photos. i can't pull these images up in my brain. can't conjure them.  if i try to bring up puppies i've lost, family/friends, gone. photos.  i can describe them to myself but i can't see them. 

my friend says this explains why i'm so terrible at describing people. have always been. the stuff i've read says that prosopagnosia is also common with those with aphantasia...the impaired ability to recognize faces.  i for sure lack all confidence with this.  it's one of the reasons i think i have avoided jobs in supervision, like the house sup position at work.  they seem to know everyones name/faces.  i'm terrible at this. 

we went to Eklutna cabin last week and were talking about this.  this same friend was asking about reading and when the author is describing stuff do i envision it.  nope. i just read the words. as a matter of fact, when i think back to novels that had lots of descriptive imaging i always found it silly. i didn't get it. i would skim those bits.  at least now i can understand that for others they can turn this into theater in a way.  they take those descriptions and create a scene in their brain.  that has never happened.  like the novel about the octopus...in my brain i know what an octopus looks like and i know what an aquarium looks like so that is enough.  

some of what i read also said many with this do not enjoy novels at all but prefer non-fiction. i like both but i for sure skim the descriptive bits in anything. 

as the articles have said, most people do not realize they don't have this ability to visualize stuff since it's just always not existed. do feel i'm missing out a bit now that i know about it.  strange. 

it also makes me wonder if school would have been done differently had i known.  i can't just see charts and stuff.  i had to go with total memorization on things. i recall the krebs cycle and all the hell it was to memorize.  it's shown in a graph, perhaps that fact of it makes it more tough for folks like me since we can't internalize that graph and pull it up. not sure how visual people are that don't have this lacking in them. 

the flowers are dying off and some leaves are turning.  my favorite time for road trips really. start to see colors, chase mushrooms.  so a frustrating weekend to lose.

great memories from this summer anyway.  especially this week that i had the nieces here.  felt like family should feel.  acceptance, love.  felt like a safe space. 

i suspect for years with many i have tried to nice my way into the relationships.  prove that i am a kind, good, decent person...because in reality, when you leave the church you lose that status. it's assumed you aren't those things and i now think you try to prove you are.  people will see you how they chose to see you. you can't change that.  you can't nice your way out of assumptions about you. great to let go of all that baggage i carried for so long.  goals you could never achieve. other peoples expectations or your presumptions of their expectations. covid was a blessing in that way. life became more clear.  who is really with you became more clear. what is valuable.  what to value. who to value. that is true in and out of the church.  if someone decides something about you and walks away...then you are best off just moving on. 

we all waste way too much effort on people who have little to no interest in us.  stick with those who truly accept you the way you are.  flaws and all. i am not nor will i ever be a perfect person.  i long ago learned it's not worth it trying to be a perfect, unflawed person.  it's just not reality. i just remember so many who put up that front and the world eventually catches up with them.  all their flaws came pouring out with disastrous impact on others.  fake it til you make it, only goes so far.  be who you are is a much better plan 

currently reading "the dictionary of lost words".  still pretty early on.  so far i like it. i do skim the descriptive bits though. always on a need to know basis. lol.  

followed an older van the other day on the Seward Highway.  the van looked to be from South America and was cool looking but sadly, they were driving 40 mph on that road and the cars/trucks were piling up behind them.  this is frustrating since i have heard of far too many fatal accidents out there...people get frustrated being behind a person like this...who refuses to pull over, they then take risks to get around them in their frustration and terrible things happen. 

after there were more than 25 cars behind i started to honk at every pull out.  eventually the guy pulled over, they got out of their van and looked to be checking the van over for an issue.  there are signs all over that road, 5 or more cars behind you, pull over.  it's beautiful drive, i get that.  i just pull over anytime anyone seems to be itching to get around me, even if it's not 5 cars.  better to just move away than risk some head on collision.  

my scheduled summer plans have come to an end. the days are getting shorter.  i do start to feel ready for the winter.  for the bears and bugs to go away for a bit.  for an excuse to be a bit of a recluse. 

to hide out in my cabin with my furs. 

they are a lot of fun.  Sunny was great about the grooming last night despite no big walk for 2 days. 

figured i'd pop in for a blog then head out for a walk. the mushrooms are always changing. 

these were at the botanical gardens near my place. i generally forget to go there in the summer. may have to stop by there and mushroom hunt as well. 

i stopped by crow creek mine but i'd missed the main flowers. they always have amazing flowers there. i also have not been to Hatchers Pass at all this summer.  that is totally not normal.  so much rain early on....who wanted to drive out there, spent the gas just to walk in the rain with minimal views i think. strange summer for sure. 

politics is still nuts.  that orange idiot is still out there.  he still has mass following.  so strange to see so many worship such a terrible person.  it is a cult following.  i do not see the appeal but i see that others have been sucked in. religion does something to an individuals ability to see things rationally some times. i have heard some pastors are getting grief when they actually preach the words of Jesus from their pulpits.  Jesus is too woke, too weak. shouldn't be surprised really, but there it is. the sermon on the mound is too woke for the evangelicals. 

the indictments are mounting.  most will never read or believe anything bad about this fool but will instead go to their graves believing he was somehow brought to them by God. i wouldn't believe it all myself if i wasn't sadly living through it.  watching people who i would have thought were rational be irrational when it comes to this one person. 

i did go to the Docs. labs were drawn. i guess i can look at some results on line. she wasn't too worried about the strange numbness i had at the height of my anxiety since it seemed so tied into the anxiety and moved around so much.  haven't really had it since then.  did feel like i hit the max anxiety wise and like i may be recovering a bit from that.  it will always be with me i'm sure.  

the flowers never had a great chance this summer it seems.  everything has been so far behind but i suspect winter won't wait for it to catch up. 

this is the back trails to homestead.  want someone with me for this one. probably will attempt the airstrip area...hopefully no bear this time.  last time i was berating myself for being chicken about bears and then spotted on on the airstrip.  big black bear.  i gave him a wide girth and just turned around.  then i got brave again and went to north bivouac and there was a huge bear scat there...can't avoid them!!  

the mushrooms are calling me though.  

it is funny...as a single person you just try to do stuff even if you are sick. you have to. stuff needs to be done.  i recall as a student nurse, most of my practical training was at the county facility in Los Angeles.  6 people to one room, one bathroom for those people, jail patient chained to bed closest to bathroom.  one phone on a cart to move from person to person if you couldn't get out to the main corridor to use a pay phone....before cell phones.  i also did time in a nicer all private room facility.  the people at the county hospital were more motivated to move and get out of there. it was depressing to stay, you weren't getting pampered.  it's the same as a single person being sick.  i can't milk it for anything as there is nobody to milk.  haha. survival time.  when i had influenza i painted the fence and deck between naps, puked from coughing, had fevers but still, i had stuff to do, animals to care for, chose to get to.  you are motivated. 

guess i better get moving and get these dogs walked. 

thankful for A. to be at a stage where the loss of the money for this cabin is survivable. bummed i am not going but probably for the best. B. sunshine here in Anchorage to enjoy even when you feel a bit under the weather. C. sweet furs to keep you company when you are home