Merry Christmas....and Happy Solstice.

 

a perfect chill holiday at this end. as a single loner sort of person. i always hope for invites but also love my alone time. well, dog time. above is a favorite from the holiday season. lots of snow these past few weeks. so, lots of exercise shoveling that snow out. 

i have to dig out the element again.  i suspect with the drop in temperatures the battery will be dead. i'll have to deal with that as well. i do have AAA again so i can always have them come out if i can't get it to turn over. i have a little portable charger. just depends on how much is left in the battery. 

still have the other car to drive around and take dogs to trails.  the trails are thin again.  like walking on a foot wide balance beam. if you step out of line you may drop in 2+ feet. it's exhausting walking in that deep snow.  have worn snow shoes a few times, easier. don't get the distance i often do in the winter but still getting good work out walking. 

have done less elevation these past few years. probably several factors. lazy and bad knees must be included on the list.  the past two summers have had many rain days.  hiking up to not have the views is a bit sad.  Ivy has bad knees and so i don't like to strain her more than i should. 

just takes me longer for sure. i tend to be walking alone a lot more lately as well. more risk in being out there on your own so i am sure i take more of a cautious walking route when i am alone. gas prices were a bit wild for a bit as well. so you would have to consider if you wanted to pay $50 for a hike or just hike local and save that money.  in the end, the dogs really don't care where we go. they just like to get out. i suspect the cats really appreciate their dog free time as well.

we got pretty lucky weather wise when this crew was here.  :-) 

the dogs had a blast opening their gifts yesterday.  i had a blast watching them open their gifts. many photos were taken.  much laughter on my part. 

i still have some anxiety.  part of it does seem to be a twinge of agoraphobia, social phobias.  home is a comfy spot for me. i think being around so much death makes you fret about your own end.  the truth, we all learn in medicine, is your time will come when it comes.  you can fret about it all you want, it will come or not come. you can be the healthiest, eat the best, exercise, but shit happens and it's best to not live a life planning on extending your life or crazily risking your life. just live your life and accept what comes. it's so easy to fret about things that may or may not ever happen and harder sometimes to just live and forget it all. 

i could die tomorrow or i could die at 100. you just can't really know.  i suspect all the thoughts of retirement and trying to predict your future gets you thinking too much about it all. make good choices and then allow yourself the space and freedom to just live with some level of abandon. 

don't waste too much time worrying what others are thinking about you and your life. mostly, people aren't thinking about you and your life.  they are too busy fretting about their own crap. maybe if they do sit in judgement of you it's because they have miserable lives and are just distracting themselves by trying to make others look worse. 

so often in the past it felt like anything bad that happened would be blamed or assumed to be a direct result of me leaving that "one and only true church".  the truth to that though is that nobody has perfect lives, or i've never met one.  people pretend they do, they can act like they do, but we all have good and bad things happen. can you imagine if anytime a christian lost a child or got sick or lost a job,  we said, gosh, it must be because you stayed in church. you picked the wrong church, the wrong religion, if you had done this or hadn't done that....but that was my life early adulthood.  this revolving guilt/fear. 

one of our doctors lost his wife this week and one of the family dogs.  our lakes and rivers freeze but there can always be open areas. on rivers if you fall in you are mostly immediately swept away and stuck under the ice. i hope the cold got her before the drowning did. i really just feel horrible for them.  it would be next to impossible to watch a beloved dog go into the river and not react to try and save it. they both went in but he was able to get out.  he works ER and he is always great to work with. they have 4 sons. her body has not been found, that just adds to the pain of it all for them i'm sure. 

we do have snow machines do the same invariably each year.  these things happen and near misses happen. a co-worker that now lives in Homer lost a young dog to the same river, the Eagle River, several years back. she also went in to try and rescue the dog, but thankfully, she was able to rescue herself, not the dog though. it was so devastating for her. i can't imagine what this woman's family is going through. just tragic. 

i sent off texts to my siblings Christmas Day and then just left it. in the past i would try to call them, overanalyze it all to much,  now i'm more just leave it in their hands, keep my distance. still giving family peace as i can. 

did have a few conversations, they called. in one the church came up, they brought it up. can't really recall how it went.  always so strange. they mentioned Joseph Smith, the founder of the church, was probably more like a hippy who was in to free love. i suspect the comment was meant to prevent a real conversation and cut it off. if not that church is really jumping through hoops to normalize the reality of a conman who practiced polygamy.  in truth referring to polygamy as free love is kind of offensive. free love is a choice by both or all parties...whereas polygamy is based on manipulation, coercion and often underage girls. hippies may reject conventional values but they also tend to utilize mushrooms and marijuana and such. 

there really is no way to pretty up the history of the church and though as my family seems to infer they are trying to weed through all the social norms and rules and make some changes to make themselves more palatable to the next generation...history has a sticky way of following you.  in truth people rarely leave what is comfortable for them no matter how many facts they discover. this is why many stick with the church and refer to themselves as nuanced. an attempt really to gloss over the deeply flawed history and strangeness of the past. 

it was clear that one of those changes would not be the acceptance of gays. although, if the mormon church's history is any indication...the church tends to have convenient revelations that coincide with the social norms. i suspect many mormons of the day were upset when the church stopped practicing polygamy in order to become a state...some so upset they broke off with the main church. some moved to Mexico. 

i also suspect many mormons were upset when the church succumbed to the civil rights movement and had another revelation about blacks being able to hold the priesthood. one day they will accept gay marriage perhaps and upset more long term members. the problem often is that things that you fight for or against today may just be unimportant another day. 

they are apparently getting less critical of many things, piercings, tattoo's, not having to wear a dress to church...these are the non-doctrine items they are supposedly working to relax on. what about all those people who were made to feel like horrible, sinful people because they didn't follow all the rules...oh well, get over it i guess.  we went another way this week. 

i used to believe that the continued revelation stuff was brilliant, the older i get and the more i see the major flaws in it all,  the more i see it's really a trap.  why would an all knowing God keep changing his mind on this stuff.  it's baffling

i always found it baffling that a God would concern himself with most of what many out there assume he does...seems incredibly arrogant to believe Santa or God is watching your every move, of course, the Santa part goes away pretty young.  omg, you had a glass of wine, coffee, soda, sex. you weren't wearing the sacred underwear, you wore pants to relief society. i always found that with so many horrific things occurring worldwide, let alone in the universe, should an all powerful God be wasting time on what i'm eating, drinking or wearing for underwear?

it's a scam and Smith was a conman...more like mark hoffman than a hippy.

those early leaders were not into free love they were perverted and used women and girls for their own pleasure...with no regard for the woman/girl's needs or wants. 

no jury duty so far.  i'm good for tomorrow.  then i head back to work thursday. i'll have to call about jury duty first though. 

i still have a few presents to get out to local friends...

drove through lake Hood, there was a plane all decked out in lights. looked really cool sitting out there. 

watched a few classic Christmas shows, still watching some of Friends episodes.  my little portable dvd player is about dead. i have another on order. 

when i drive around mid town i look around for photographers and a sign of the white raven. he's all the rage these days. no sightings for me yet. don't want to risk a car wreck in my search and it always seems busy in that area. 

may head over and look at a huge snowman. the family that made it in the past took a 10 year break...the city wasn't happy with the crowds i think. been great years for making a giant snowman though. should be well over 10 feet. 

the puppies and kitties keep me very grounded and happy. 

work is work.  i suspect when i'm ready for the big change i will just take action.  i'm slow to action and then i just do it. need to put in some blocks of vacation time for the summer. nothing huge planned. have wanted to check out Yakutat, so perhaps i will look into that. i did look at the low tides and marked them so i'll look at the calendar tomorrow perhaps and start making some plans for that. 

went to see the lights at Kincaid and at the Botanical Gardens. always fun.  

also met up with some friends from out of town for a few meals. great to catch up. 

some phone chats with friends as well. 

tomorrow i really should try and start putting Christmas away. we will start to be adding light soon.  

we have passed the shortest day.  this place is always changing. 

i'd gotten matching pajamas for me and the dogs. lol. Ivy was not at all happy.  she runs from the harness.  she was excited today since it was like 2 degrees out there and the clasp for her seat belt was frozen...she snuck up to the front seat.  she looked pretty proud of herself. all i could do was laugh.  she is the sweetest.  

i ended up staying in bed super late Christmas morning.  apparently, Sunny Boys gift to me was a lovely snuggle session. couldn't say no to that. 

no big gifts though i do think this old computer is getting on it's last leg...may need to back up everything and transfer it to a new computer at some point. 

well, i guess i should get some bedtime snacks and hit the hay. 

grateful for A. puppy companions and Christmas snuggles.  B. friends who get me and accept me and watch out for me. C. each and every day i get to be on this planet living this life.  it's not perfect but it's a lot of fun!