each day an adventure in alaska: Early morning ramblings...

woke up early. looked like emergency lights coming down the road, but it was just a guy plowing driveways. a little reminder, as if i needed more, that it's time to change careers. felt a twinge of anxiety with the idea of an emergency vehicle on the street.

i have been watching "young sheldon" this past few weeks. in a few episodes a physicist professor takes a job in a grocery store. he enjoys it.

a change in scenery can be good for all of us. a break in what has been our normal can help us see the world differently. i'm having the internal debates that come prior to a major change for me. i'm told not everyone has a constant internal conversation...is this true? hard for me to imagine. my brain is constantly having a discussion...of course, my brain is unable to pull up images of things so we all have different life experiences apparently based on how our brain functions. my brain discusses, other brains imagines things through images. this is why i blog...it helps me externalize the internal. as you can see from the ramblings on many of these blog posts...it's crazy town in there sometimes.

i'm for sure leaning towards retiring this next year from my current job. getting private insurance and taking part time jobs. there are options. well, i hope there are anyway. my age may prevent some things. some places won't want to pay me what i've been getting paid. i could take some bursts of travel assignments locally. i could work part time at a surgical center or urgent care. these would be different enough to satisfy my brains need but also bring in some money. there are some outstanding debts that would benefit from a little boost in salary. that would set me up in a better position for when i actually fully retire.

need to make some to do lists and pro/con lists....that is how people with constant internal dialog function i think. the internal discussion must happen. i must test out options and get comfortable with it all. change is never easy. i have gone through a multitude of major changes though. it's always stressful and scary but in the end i get there.

it also means i will bring up stuff with other people to see how it feels...as a person living alone and making all the decisions alone, it is helpful to get input. of course, sometimes the input you get is not what you expect. one recent discussion turned into a kind of badgering session. with me feeling grilled about things. at some point i just decided it was getting too negative. old me would have never said anything, current me did. i just said that perhaps we could find a way to be more positive and supportive.

sometimes people aren't really asking for a grilling, they are looking for support.

there are a lot of signs that i am nearing the end of this experience with this job.it is nice to have options even if they are scary. i think many who worked the bedside through covid are feeling under appreciated and burned out. i got a glass award to commemorate my over 20 years at this hospital. it felt small and made me feel small. honestly, i don't think i expected much more, never thought about it really. for me it was just a recyclable item. what am i supposed to do with it. put it on my mantle? i'm just as recyclable as this award though. they want a newer cheaper model of nurse. i cost them too much and the bottom line for hospitals in this country is the money. experience may matter to patients and their families but it only takes away from the bottom line in a capitalist society. it's pretty sad/disgusting that our healthcare is so dictated by financial gains. patients are just money to those in the big, fancy offices.

our society as a whole has gotten to this point. the major flaws in capitalism. extreme wealth becomes immoral. there really is no way around that. anyone who collects money and then hoards it becomes a flawed individual. any corporation/religion/non-profit that hoards money is flawed. greed, as one of the deadly sins, is destroying so much around us.

i have been hearing the Humane Society is possibly the newest member of this list. things start with good intentions but then the more money they acquire the more greedy they become. many huge non-profits have been caught up in this. with ceo's making a sick amount of money and a small percentage of the donations being used to actually help the cause they intitially were fighting for.

this is one of the things about religion that has been frustrating for me. i've read the new testament and the supposed words of Jesus and this figure, whether real or fictional, seems to have been very against religion for profit and instead believed in using extra wealth to help those less fortunate.

sadly, most have succumbed to greed. they have a no taxation perk and so that has led to many taking advantage of this.

i was text bombed with giving machine stuff. i've kept fairly quiet. i know there are benefits to this collection of money to many non-profits out there. there is a lot i'm not very sure of with it all. mostly, it's that the church has had a very bad history of not being transparent or honest with their finances.

this is a multibillion dollar organization that takes in 10% of their own members salaries, no matter their age or financial ability. i was "shaken down" as a mere child over whether or not i'd paid a full tithe by Bishops at our annual meetings(tithing settlement). we were asked by an authority figure if we'd paid a full tithe. as a kid it scared me. i had no idea if i was being fully truthful in that meeting. what kid itemizes every dime they make ironing or pulling weeds?

what do they do with this money they collect...they buy land and invest and hoard it. a very small percentage has gone to noble causes over the years. more lately because there has been a lot of push back. the church is one of the largest land owners and wealthiest churches out there. they build huge expensive temples, millions of dollars spent, for buildings that are mostly empty...just like those scientologists (they also build more and more mostly empty buildings as a tax shelter really). they do more for dead people than live ones...then these giving machines show up...they could just donate to causes, but instead they want others to give and for them to get credit.

as usual, it's difficult to find facts about how this all works. supposedly all the money goes to the non-profits...i believe all the money is funneled through a church account though. do they take credit for these donations as their own in the big picture..when you itemize for your taxes, who are you really donating to. the small print says the church ultimately has discretion on the final division....that if you purchase a donation for a goat it may not really be a goat. does the church get to collect all the interest incurred from this. i imagine that interest goes back into all the advertising the church is doing for these machines. it's a huge PR boon for them as well.

my understanding is that this is not for proselytizing, but they do station elders at the machines....like they stationed elders outside the controversial play, "book of mormon". in my experience this church always benefits so my lack of trust in their goals on this are merited.

i don't know all the details, when i ask, nobody seems to. i just know their history. it's not a great one. i also know that the Jesus of the New Testament would never have believed his messages of kindness, love and giving would have ended up being a reality of churches that hoard money and do little for the poor. it's shocking really. read his supposed words and then see the reality of so many of these churches. there is so much money in these churches that the homeless and hungry should be cared for and the children should all have homes. instead, they act out a role that none of them actually act upon. the giving is very limited and the hoarding and lavishness is extreme.

as i said, it's immoral.

so many Christians i know do not want the federal government helping with welfare services because they believe churches should be the ones doing this not governments...of course, these are the same ones who belong to churches that spend that money to build malls and lavish life styles for pastors. in the past, the pastors or clergy of most religions were somewhat impoverished, humble servants. this is not the case in most situations now. the mormons put the apostles on boards of companies, the evangelicals live in mansions and buy yachts.

we are headed for a breaking point, once again. it seems to happen over and over in society. the haves and the have nots can't be this far apart on the spectrum before rebellion happens.

in some nations religions are not granted tax free status. that is apparently true in Australia. the church got around this by creating a non-profit organization there for their members to donate to. this has not gone over well with the government in Australia and last i heard they are taking action.

anyway, life is going well at my end. my entire stretch was in Peds and PICU this last run. one patient nearly extubated...removed their breathing tube. this is not totally uncommon...but for me, at this moment i have a perfect record. as i was flying across the room to save the tube from being pulled screaming "shit" repeatedly as i ran, i thought it may be time to move away from the madness of this job with my perfect record intact.

the faces i work with do change over the years. i've met so many amazing people. it's been a great career overall even though at times i'm hit with the realization that the people in the big offices do not view me as anything more than a cog in the wheel. my patients, their families and my co-workers have appreciated me. have valued me and i need to focus on that aspect. i also need to start to move forward with life and the years i have left and decrease the stress levels.

i have done enough for humanity in this aspect of life. sure i was getting paid but i can do the bare minimum for what i'm paid or i can go the extra mile with no benefit to myself financially. that has been the benefit for me personally. knowing i made a difference in so many lives in the smallest way sometimes but also in a huge way for those individuals. kindness is not compensated by financial gains. kindness is compensated in fulfillment.

this work has been stressful and anxiety inducing but it's also granted me the reward of understanding. none of us is better than the other. we all have things that go well in life and things that don't go well. my work makes me grateful for the health that i do have as i see so many others who struggle with health, oftentimes from childhood.

have i done enough for my fellow man, never. very few do really. we all want our creature comforts and our own stuff.

life is a balancing act. we give some and we take some. we need to be careful who we give our money to, to do the giving for us. oftentimes they are not deserving of our trust. many churches and other non-profits are doing more to benefit themselves than the causes they claim to be fighting for. the bigger any thing gets the more difficult it can be for them to remain true to who they once were. money does some terrible stuff to those who gain access to it. years ago i donated to the Sierra club but at some point i got so many mailings from them it was obvious they were spending more to get more than on the initial goal stated.

we all should try to be aware when we donate money that the recipient of our donations are actually getting a fair percentage of the donation. i run a very small non-profit. we are there as a friends group to advocate mostly at this point. my goal is just to have enough money to be able to exist. eventually perhaps to purchase a few items to help the island with expenses. i advocate for walrus. i spend my own money at times, i take no salary. did my family donate to this cause, few did. one apparently wrote a check then ripped it up because i'm too political. they are political as well, but it's just that they don't like my politics really. not that i'm political.

i came to understand more that the walrus i advocate for are one of those species that is going to be impacted sooner rather than later by climate change so that makes them, by definition, political to some.

fun times with my nieces this summer. enjoying all these photo's. just happy memories.

Alaska is a beautiful place and i enjoy sharing it. you get excited all over again every time you get to share it with others.

i'm so happy that life brought me here. happy i took the risks in life that got me here. thrilled that i didn't buckle to anxiety and fear. as i've said, change is scary, but ultimately, change is how we grow and get a fuller experience in this life

better eat something and then take a late morning nap. we have short days now. solstice is fast approaching. time to plan next summers adventures.

hopefully, i get myself out there more this year. haven't done as much traveling as years past. missed my annual big treks due to covid. happy to be putting the pandemic behind me.

homer sunset

ice floes

leaving some ashes behind...i don't always do it but it is nice to take my dogs of the past on adventures and leave them to it.

went to the UAA craft fair yesterday. mushrooms are pretty popular with artists right now. a few walrus out there as well. i also was able to get a necklace dropped off with an artist for repair. one contact incorporates walrus in their art. she was willing to donate items.

i have sent a email to someone from REI to see if we can start the process of getting that lecture done this year. hopefully, i hear from her and can get that arranged. get some visitors out there. will need to work with fish and game.