Anxiety is normal....

 

when you are in a car and a grizzly bear is trying to get in that car, being very anxious is normal.  when you are on a trail in Alaska in the summer, it's reasonable to be anxious about bears.  when you are on a trail in Alaska in the winter you probably don't need to be that anxious about bears, if you are in a mall in Alaska, you don't need to be anxious about bears at all. we all get anxious.  we get anxious before we give a speech, we get anxious when we are doing new things.  we get anxious when we are female and are walking through a parking garage at 2 am. 

what is not normal is hyperanxiety.  i think too often. these books, like i'm reading, don't describe it like that. how you get in your own way by talking yourself into things that are really more like the bear in the mall scenario.  sure there is a slight possibility that a bear could make it's way into a mall but it's pretty small and really not worth the worry. 

most of the stuff we worry about or become anxious over in daily life...not really worth the worry. the first part of the book i'm reading has some interesting insights. the second half....how to become less anxious....not as much.  at least not for me. he is married, kids, majorly in debt...just very different lives. so i need to extrapolate what he's saying and find a way to use things in my own life.  

he speaks of really understanding your reality.  i think i've over done understanding my reality. the negative realities at least.  i think it's gotten away from me to understand the positive reality of my life.  we have been so inundated with the negative at every turn...we need to focus on the good stuff, and there is good stuff. 

i had heard around Solstice of people who make notes through the year of things that made them happy or brought them joy.  on Solstice they take the time to read through all those things from the past year.  so a few weeks ago i decided that Sundays would be the day i would ponder about the week and write down some of those moments. simple happy things.  for many of us it would also help to watch less news and scroll less. 

it's so easy to focus on the negative that is out there.  there is a lot of it, but there is so much great stuff out there as well. 

i am dealing with random hyperanxiety.  i got anxious today because we had 5 more inches of snow to shovel.  i am supposed to be "not exerting myself".  well as a singleton you have to exert yourself a bit on days like this.  with the ectopy so fresh and concerning in my mind as i shoveled on an empty stomach i began to imagine symptoms. was i really having a heart attack now? i'm almost 60 so things that you would have totally ignored in your 20's, well you do have to focus more on.  i'm overall pretty healthy though.  i was tired and headed off to the walk. so now, i haven't eaten anything but some cottage cheese, i just burned some calories and now i'm headed off to walk in snow. perhaps, it was really the anxiety that made me feel so exhausted...overthinking is exhausting. 

i'm healing. i really feel that way.  i know it sounds nuts since i seem to be having increased bouts of this random anxiety. i really believe that as we heal from past trauma's our bodies find ways to release that stress.  that stress has to leave us for us to move forward.  when the bear tried to get in the car with me, i was very calm and taking action.  a week or so later, i burst into tears.  sobbing and crying for no apparent reason. i didn't feel sad or upset, but i was incapable of stopping these tears. i actually had to call off sick, blubbering away.  my boss just thought i had a terrible cold. my body was simply releasing this stress that i had held in

our bodies naturally do flight, fight or freeze. we forget the freeze part.  if you've seen video of the flight that lost a "door" you will notice nobody is screaming and panicking.  they are in freeze mode.  i went into freeze mode when our flight was slated for possible crash landing. i went into freeze mode on a boat that was at risk to capsize.  the flight was silent, the boat was silent...we were all in a state of a freeze mode...except the pilots/captains i guess.  like me, with the bear, they calmly take action.  when a patients heart stops at work. there is a moment where you freeze. you are like, oh shit their heart stopped, it's not restarting, they are in v-tach, are they breathing?  then you calmly take action.  we do this all the time, 

eventually all of that, the stress catches up to you and you have to deal with it. for some people, like me i guess, we have increased anxiety over the what if's. i think many of us have been in a suspended state of anxiety for a few years.  things are normalizing as far as covid and for me, the trump years were just this constant state of stress, every day what hell had happened. other things happened in this same time frame.  myself, like many, just did what needed to be done. we got a bit lost in the negative haze and the realities that we weren't wanting to face. who people really were, which relationships were solid, what we believed. it was a global existential crisis.  now we have people  like me with hyperanxiety, we also have some that are raging and filled with hatred. some kill themselves or isolate themselves more. some over eat, do drugs, alcohol.  stress is released in many ways.  most of those ways are damaging.

i do appreciate the calls, texts and messages. i am listening.  i bought some magnesium because a few recommended that. it is important to have people in our lives.  we have gotten away from those connections. we have come to believe that clicking like on a social media post is the same as a relationship.  we have forgotten how important it is to be live and real. we need each other, we need to allow others to help us and we need to help others.  all.  people we know, people we don't know. 

the other day i headed out to walk the dogs. i saw a truck stuck in the snow. in my head i was thinking, you aren't supposed to exert yourself.  that didn't mean i couldn't help someone.  i just walked over with my traction pads. it took the guy awhile still to dig out, but the traction pads did help.  we need to help each other.  we need to look for people who need help.  for me, i need to look outside of the craziness inside my head. 

feel like i'm doing better, doing more. i have a date for the walrus lecture. i've worked on that this past month. so march 19, walrus lecture.  next for that is working on a new .org web page. 

freedom is another aspect he focused on.  for me part of that is just admitting that i get overly anxious at times, that i have flaws.  we spend so much time trying to put up these appearances.  guess that is part of the reality.  being who we really are.  the people who accept you will still accept you, those who don't or don't want to deal with you will walk away.  in truth i walked a few miles with ectopy debating whether i should get checked out or not.  years ago, i had all this bronchitis in Los Angeles.  finally went to a Dr when the Vet i worked with  encouraged me to. my respiratory issue was real...the crazy thing, we were never taken to a Dr when we were kids, rarely anyway.  i did not believe i was worthy of being taken care of. i know that sounds nuts. we never got check ups, can't waste money unless the kid is really sick or bleeding.  that is how it was for most of us in that time. my parents had 7 kids, you can't waste money taking kids to a Dr for every sniffle. it had to be bad. it took  me thinking i was bad ass for biking a 50 mile Rosarita to Ensenada event while taking many hits on the inhaler, for me to finally get it. my pulmonologist wasn't impressed with what i had just done like i thought he would be, he threatened to hospitalize me if i did not go home immediately and rest and take care of myself. what i had was real, that was the first time i understood that fact. 

as they say, let them.  if people hate, let them. if people aren't interested in you or what you have to say, let them be uninterested. most of the time, the shit you worry about is just not even on other peoples radar. sometimes you do have to try to put it all in perspective. in 100-200 years, i will just be a blip. some photograph that maybe relatives a few generations away will say, who was this?  how was she related to us....they will know nothing more about me than that blip. 

this is it. this is our time.  i have to remind myself of that and of the positive things rather than allowing myself to get sucked into a negative vortex of fear and anxiety 

focus more on the people who are there, who want to be there. who see you, who accept you. you will know who they are, it's obvious.  i spent far too much energy trying to make relationships with people who i believed i was supposed to be in relationships with. i can't say it was a total waste.  i think there are people you try and try with because you value them, but in the end. that has to be reciprocated and if it isn't you have to have the courage to walk away or step back.  you do not need to be hateful but you do need to accept the facts of what is and what isn't for your peace and for theirs. 

life isn't in grand moments all the time.  above and below are some of my favorite moments.  walks on beaches, sitting around a fire with people i love. i'm not going to look back as an old lady and think, dang i loved scrolling for hours on my phone.  

we are addicted to our phones. we have become painfully dependent on them.  there is a lot of good stuff but we put limits on kids but not on ourselves. 

things i think i need to do more of is the stuff that i used to enjoy but got lost in the day to day.  i need to get the instruments out, write more bad poetry, paint rocks. i love my pets and like i said all the little, simple things in life. 

get out of my own head before i waste these days...we all end up where these folks are,  buried or scattered. all these people lived lives, survived tragedies, loved, lost.  they all experienced things, many the same as i have.  a walk on the beach, sitting in front of a fire. we are all the same in so many ways.

we are also all very unique. 

so fun talking to my cousin tonight. we never talk. she was the first cousin and i think i was the last cousin. she was there with my grandparents before i was able to talk, having  those conversations.  fun to get some non-mormon filtered history. my grandma died when i was 3. i really have zero memories of her. my grandpa was around more so i do have some memories,  but when you are a kid, you don't ask the questions you would want to know now. he had a stroke and lived with us. 

i wrote a song about him. the  chorus: you watched me growing young, as i watched you growing old, your life done, as mines begun. 

we don't realize as kids that our parents are still growing and evolving. that our grandparents are still growing and evolving.  we only really focus on kids growing as their milestones are so much more obvious.  there is only 10 years between my eldest sibling and i but we had very different parents and very different experiences. 

i wish that i would have given my parents more understanding of their own journeys. kids are selfish. lol. 

they raise us but we really don't know that much about them. our grandparents, even less.  things get passed along but those things are not always the real truth.  it's the story that people want to be told. from the perspective they want to have. 

it's after midnight.  i took a nap earlier. i skipped the coffee shop. i think i have just drained myself this week.  i've probably drained myself these past few years. 

cardiologist appointment in a few weeks. i may not have any more ectopy for ages or ever.  i had those pvc's after Tusker died for several weeks intermittently, then nothing. should i worry about dropping dead on the trail of some rhythm. no. we all are going to die some day. when we do die, our stuff will be sold/donated/trashed.  our pets will find new homes...hopefully. other people will buy our homes/cars. that is how it's been since humans came.  all the things that we fretted over will no longer have a place for fretting. 

there is a tiny world living under our feet

and a big world living above us.

double photo somehow.  can't seem to get rid of it. 

beyond this earth is a much larger world.  are there aliens? who knows. i don't worry about that stuff. 

so hopefully we all find the balance between being anxious in a healthy way and being hyperanxious. i know i hope i do soon. 

thanks for listening.  thanks for hearing and understanding and being patient. 

my stretches off go pretty dang fast.  i still have a few days, but man work comes around too fast.  i am enjoying shifts more of late. less work anxiety.  makes me think i'm having some healing there. still, it's time to work my way away from the bedside. plan for more freedom in semi-retirement. more peace.

tonight, peace. 

look at that face.  these pups. 

not much fireweed last year. we shall see what this next summer brings. you can go the same places over and over and see new and beautiful things. 

i plan to make peace with this anxiety and move forward. 

thankful for A. the constant crazy dialogue in my head B. the people in my life who stick around C. the animals who bring me constant joy