you are being ridiculous...my new mantra

 

followed by you are doing good.  repeat. 

i really don't think i realized how the overall stress and anxiety really were impacting me.  it creeps up on you. i get knots in my neck/shoulders and under my scapula. this can lead to headaches.  i was having more and just taking more excedrin than usual and ibuprofen.  looking back, i think i have caused a bit of gastritis. i had gastritis once before in the late 90's. it can lead to some ectopy on it's own. add stress and an older heart...possible. that time it was the gall bladder. 

so i am happily belching now. taking prilosec or pepcid in the mornings, taking some tums/pepto and all that. i am also using my new shoulder rubbing machine often. that helps with one area. 

as far as anxiety...haven't needed any medication for a few days now. i am just more aware of it all. i'm taking the magnesium.  i was taking the multivitamin at the same time and getting nauseated...now i've figured out that it's the multivitamin that does that. not sure if the magnesium is helping, probably a combination of several things. trying to be better at getting back to what i did better before. 

looking back, i had been getting out of bed later and later.  some of the anxiety seemed to be building as i was preparing to leave the house and again if i was staying out too long. i just wanted to be home more and more...a bit of the agoraphobia i guess. now i'm just trying to be more aware of the time and have a schedule to get myself motivated and out of the house. have walked every day.  had some wild heartburn but that has been better the last few days. knowing more about what is happening at least decreased the anxiety load. 

i worked one night and between anxiety and back ache, i opted to just take care of me and call out for 3 nights. i felt like i needed it to get me on a more healthy life schedule.  i'm doing more meditation and stretches/exercises. so i did work another night at the end of my stretch and it went better. 

i could barely sleep the night before the cardiologist appointment.  the doctor is great.  i think it was nice for him to see a patient that walks every day instead of smokes every day. haha. as i left he said, "you are probably the healthiest patient i will see all week". he wasn't overly concerned about the ectopy. labs, ekg, heart all normal. wants to do an echo to rule out underlying heart issues like cardiomyopathy.  i'm also scheduled for a CA CT where they score the calcium in your vessels i think...so hopefully those will turn out to be okay.  that is what is left. 

when i was unable to sleep that night though i did experience an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. felt like everything is going to be okay.  i always figure this is possibly comfort from loved ones or loved pets who have crossed over.  others would attribute this to God.  quite frankly, i'm pretty over that. i find that this God gets all the credit for anything good and no blame for anything bad.  so many excuses. i really just don't get the God answers silly prayer requests but ignores most desperate pleas. mothers with dying children. people in horrific war zones. i feel much more comforted thinking comfort like this comes from a place of love. 

we were taught we had the answers.  only we did. even though it can be scary not knowing the answers to the big next life questions...i find it comforting in a way....accepting that we don't know, we can't know. i just really don't think we have to be theologians or have access to theologians.  anytime you put others in charge of your beliefs you put yourself at great risk. better to not know than to think you do know. i know people find comfort in their organized religious beliefs but too often i see that their comfort is less comforting than they realize.  that "comfort" comes with judgement and rules and strange habits and even odd clothing.  why should a religion demand earthy money to prove eternal worth? i think there are better ways to prove you are a decent person. 

there are also plenty of decent people who have never attended any church, believe in no specific religion.  there are many out there who go to a church or are part of an organized religion but are truly terrible people. be careful who you follow...and where they lead. 

i'm wearing my fit bit again and paying more attention to all that it offers. 

i do think there is some global anxiety/depression out there. we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. 

i still think much of this is coming from a place of healing. that my body is releasing the stress of the pandemic and trump years.  hoping we do not have to repeat either of those things...

the dogs and cats are giving me regular snuggle sessions. part of my anxiety therapy for sure. 

so feeling much better overall. 

death is random. being immersed in it has caused me to focus too much on it.  covid forced us all to deal with death on a level we weren't prepared for. as health care workers you find ways to deal with loss and the pain of watching others pass and their loved ones have to deal with their own losses. the pandemic just made it impossible for us to keep up with the loss and pain and suffering i suspect. the weight of it suffocates us until we can find a way to release it. 

there is far more for me to be grateful for. i'm also trying to rediscover play.  everything just got far too serious for many of us over these past few years. we need to find ways to immerse our tires souls into fun, laughter, joy, play. making snow angels this week, freezing ice, meeting up with friends.  talking texting. laughing.  all things that make you happy...bring them on. we have been deprived too long. 

i did go look for the white raven.  took a bit but i found her. i only had my phone camera with me so i got pretty lousy shots. perhaps i'll try again with the big camera one of these days....nothing like the bigger cameras i saw out there. there are some good shots.  one of my favorites is of her with a slice of pizza.  ravens are kind of trash eaters.  so i found the photo very ironic as she is so popular globally at this point. i had gone walking with friends and coffee after, like a normal Monday walk.  i did cut my white raven outing short as i felt the anxiety and heartburn coming on strong. 

so happy to feel like i'm getting more empowered and more hopeful again. taking control is always a good thing towards healing. i signed up with a therapist for this next week which is something i've never done but probably should have done decades ago.  my parents would have if it was a different time. by the time i was 10 or 11 i was leaving notes for my mom in a teddy bear that had a pocket...i was saying things like i know you don't love me or that i know you love the other kids more...things like that i think.  my mom would just come in and tell me she loved me. 

when you have a lot of kids...it's hard to keep it up..the excitement over the little things that are exciting for you with the first kid or the second kid.  by 7 or more kids....it's routine. i try to caution those with large families to not forget those younger ones.  there is also this assumption that as the youngest you are spoiled....it doesn't always work that way. they can love you but just not give you what you need. maybe i was just a kid that needed more or something different.  who knows. i felt alone a lot as a kid though.  

still there were many fun and happy memories.  you still have several siblings.  my brother and i fought as kids but we were also the closest in age so we spent hours, the 3 youngest, exploring the world we walked in together. we watched tv too but in those days there wasn't as much to entertain us.  we had to create our own. we made a tape with songs we had made up.  it got lost but we had stuffed cats and we made up a song about our stuffed cats. tim and Jim cat, the one with operations, fuzzy...that was mine. can't remember it

we played tons of board games.  if my one brother was losing he would flip the board.  he'd then accuse us of ganging up on him.  we denied it but kids are brats we probably were. we played lots of solitaire, card games, walked on the beach for hours looking for shells.  hit the tennis ball against the grocery store wall. 

there was only 10 years between oldest and youngest but i have less memories of the kids at the top of the pack. not sure why it was so divided and so different.  we just have very different experiences growing up.  my sister and i shared a room but i don't remember us doing much together. cards probably the most universally done thing together. 

the brother right above would literally bang his head into his headboard at night. we were just kids trying to figure out life with not that much direction. for sure the experience made me pretty independent. i'm a fighter for sure. you learn from what you experience. they say your first half of life you get the stuff that you spend the next half of your life recovering from. haha.  it wasn't bad overall, could have been much worse. i see that all the time.  my life was cake compared to what many kids deal with. we still all get some scars.  our parents were all just doing what they could with what they were given as they attempted to sort out their own scars. 

kids that had issues.  we just had to move through them.  

mostly we all turn out pretty good. look at this happy crew below. there are no perfect childhoods.  none of us get everything in life. there are always trade offs. poor but with love, rich but alone....you can't have it all, so stop striving for all and enjoy what you get.  deal with the bad stuff as it comes up and enjoy the hell out of the good stuff.  there is far more good stuff than bad...thus my mantra.  you are being ridiculous, you are doing good. 

the mantra has been helping me push back those symptoms of anxiety this week. 

another thing i'm working on is getting better sleep.  

i've requested to go down to 2 shifts a week. that should help a lot.  eventually explore other job options that are less stressful and then just retire from this job and take it more easy for these next few years before i fully retire. i pulled that request trigger after i worked the one night at the beginning.  felt right. 

so much out there to explore. hoping for many more adventures

gotta pack tomorrow for an overnight out at manitoba yurts this sunday. 

take care of yourselves and those around you.  we all need each other more than we realize. 

thankful for A. feeling that comfort of peace and positive energy. B. coming into a better place C. the beauty that brings us renewed energy.