still working on first run through of the Swift album...do we still call them albums?

 

so far much of the album songs like one long song.  with her you really do have to focus on the lyrics.  her real "swiftie" fans seem to see all the twists and inner meanings more than i ever will. she has dated the time it covers. i suspect after all the years writing with an intent to please others in some way...this one is cathartic.  it's her raw emotion laid out for her own purpose.  i mean she's a billionaire.  who does she need to please really. she sold so many albums on day one.  

there are a few stand outs already for me. will listen again. was listening at work the other night. my first night was in the cardiac unit. not my favorite. just not a fan of hearts at this point.  funny, for all that time i was off i never needed anything for anxiety or heartburn...says something really.  i know it's time to pull the trigger sooner than later. at this point i'm thinking after the fall starts make my decisions. 

i wouldn't mind getting into some writing again myself.  i'm not a poet like Swift but i have quite a few pretty good ones. have always wanted to combine my poems and some favorite photos in a book, even if it is just for me ultimately. i also have a book idea, but due to content i'd need to use a pen name. Hippa stuff. 

years of working as a nurse has given me a lot to work with. 

i worked regular ER last night and i worked my butt off. that place is nuts sometimes. my rooms were just turning over and over and over. discharge 3/4, get 3 new patients. then the last several hours was almost all homeless. not sure what happened.  the place was filled with the homeless.  like it was below zero and they just wanted out of the cold but it really isn't that cold out there. perhaps just warm enough that they feel freer to escape beyond their encampments...so come to the ER. 

lucky for me i'm not as familiar with the regulars. who knew people went to the ER on a near daily basis.  it's pretty nuts. 

exciting week coming up.  picked up my prep for the colonoscopy. can't wait for that to start!

then i have Tonsina cabin out of Seward with friends next weekend. hopefully my gut is returned to normal by then. we have the boat arranged. it's a short hike, 2+ miles but with gear it's just easier and more fun to hop on a boat. 

went to the eye doctor. i was due and since i'm still having some symptoms post pink eye i figured it was time.  eyes are still dry with some floaties in the right side of the right eye.  the eyes got the all clear. eye doc thinks i had both bacterial and viral infections.  she gave me loads of free moisturizing eye drops. 

left work this morning at 6 am so one hour short, which is always great...i was getting pretty tired of dealing with drunks and drug addicts.  it's a sad thing but as a nurse working with them you do get pretty jaded. lots of attitude and at times uncomfortable situations.  some pretty foul smells.  do not remove shoes on the homeless is a lesson i've learned.  that Jesus washing of the feet is more of kindness than i am capable most days...of course, in the land of Jesus they were wearing open toed sandals i think...up here we have layers of wet socks and shoes that have been worn for weeks.  trench foot...it's truly disgusting.  

always collecting pens.  do other nurses do this? pens can be hard to find so anytime you find one you cling to it.  i wonder how long after i do retire i'll hoard pens. 

so far i think this is one of my favorite songs so far, "i can do it with a broken heart". many nurses are seeing this as a nursing anthem, taking away the spirit of it...how often we carry on with our jobs despite our hearts being broken at what we deal with.  other peoples trauma and drama.  for her it's more akin to relationships. it sounds different from the others.  as i said, many start to blend together on this one. will have to listen and focus more next time through. read the lyrics more. as i said i don't know enough about her and her relationships to guess which guy or situation this is about for her. 

when i write i end up taking the emotion and taking off with it.  it's not always some exact replication of true life. life is just the base. 

winter and Iditarod are what these pictures are about. 

trails here remain pretty dicey. snow packed but slushy. easy to twist the knees and back. Sunny chased another moose off this week.  that boy.  gonna give me  breakdown. driving home today a moose booked out in front of me, a few hundred feet in front of me.  crossed the street and then started booking down the sidewalk. not sure what spooked the poor moose.  they just have a little  bit to go before the green starts to show up again. 

saw a few sprouts at work as i walked in the last few nights. 

took a walk on the coastal trail the other day. i was silly and thought there would be clear trails. nope, still snow packed. did see canadian geese and sandhill cranes.  always great having the birds return for the season.  everything moves so quickly up here.  it's pretty nuts really.  i love the drama of nature. 

much of this album is like a poetry slam except she sings her poems instead of just reading them.  not that this is unpleasant. 

wonder what the next album will be. at this time she appears to be in a new and exciting relationship so perhaps there will be some up beat songs...or she will just get engaged married and have some kids.  she never needs to write another thing, she is set financially for life.  she seems to really like to push herself and stay busy.  she's at that age to though where if she wants to have kids, it's gotta be on the mind. after this long international tour a big long break is not unheard of. 

have another escape to Homer in May for another low tide. i think i have vacation for that week.  

haven't seen the bear in the bear tree.  there are sightings of bears. perhaps a charge on the Potter to McHuge trail. that area gets the early bear sightings.  

you have to walk away from the person you had to become to get through the things you had to get through in life. can't be stuck being that person who was hurt and angry. you may have needed to be that person and personality to get through things.  it's a funny thought but probably some truth to it. 

have to allow your soft side to return.  would be easier to get sucked into the painful/hurt/angry stuff. i suspect this album, like my writings/blog is just how Swift is doing just that. just get all that out of your head and then live each day free of it all. 

these are from a summer hike out Powerline Pass. this area is always a great place for wildflowers once you hit it.  everything was delayed last year. the flowers.  like this year, so much snow. 

LS came by and helped do step one prep at fixing the little free library.  i picked up some stuff at Home Depot today for the repair.  it was funny. this worker started helping me, next thing i knew i had my own personal shopper. lol. much needed on my part.  

so many projects, all you can do is one at a time.  

love the purple pinecones up here.  so pretty

no gun shots leaving early this morning.  still parking in the same area.  probably won't have another situation like that. 

what to do if i retire from here. that is the big question.  do i pay separate for insurance? do i find a job where i get insurance? do i stick with current job but look for less stressful position within the hospital? 

slight distracted as i listen to the album and try to read lyrics. mostly, they blend together. she seems like a dreamer. often dreamers end up finding life tough. always looking for magic and often finding that path disappointing. so in love with love that they only seem to thrive in the infatuation stage. 

there was a country song about Mr Right vs Mr Right Now. i do think women are often kind of set up to dream of the big picture instead of just enjoying a relationship for what it is. wanting to make it the relationships to end all relationships.  many of us live with a series of Mr Right Now sorts. 

my adult years were a bit of a fun wild ride. lots of short and fun relationships. not many that stuck around.  one friend once said i dated super fun and cute guys but none that would match my intellect so after a bit i'd get bored. really had a lot of deconstruction and personal exploration in those years. i was a bit of a mess but it was some great times. no regrets. 

a few other stand outs.  Fortnight and Who's afraid of little old me. 

you learn and become more you with each person you gain in this life. best to be open to all sorts of personalities.  your potential grows exponentially with the experiences you allow yourself. people do come and go. it's sad at times accepting people moving out of your life but then you have to focus on all the experiences and growth that came from being with them.

in the end your world is filled with love.  some of that love sticks it out longer and some is more brief.  regret just is a waste of time. the joyous times and the times of trial all combine to create the best you. so it's best to ride the waves in this life, the ups and the downs. 

about time to crash.  2 shifts is so much less daunting than 3. 0 is the sweet spot though.  haha. 

the animals are chilling. love to watch the pets sleep.  they always have such peace. 

was going to look at a pictures from the big camera. don't think i've even looked at the ones on there from the iditarod. 

broke down and got an i watch.  my fit bits seem to break every year so i am hoping this lasts a bit longer. the fit bit just counted steps so this one is a bit more complicated.  still figuring it out. 

glaciers...soon will be out on that water again.  never know what you will see out there.  love the ocean.  some are ocean people some are lake people.  i'm an ocean person. 

grateful for A. recovery from pink eye, that wasn't fun. B. that i can work 2 shifts a week and survive. C. the people in my life who accept me and want me in their lives. 

Eclipse, Homer, Break up....changes coming

 

need to get the trash and recycling out to curb.  early still.  plenty of hours left. more day light for sure. 

recovering from this long and bothersome bug. worked one of my 4 shifts this last stretch.  felt guilty but my eyes were still crusty, weepy and red.  clearly the antibiotics were not working.  it was a viral pink eye.  just a little dry eyes at times now and slight crustier than usual in the mornings. that one night was a bit tough as the eyes were dry and light and computers did strain a bit. 

worked PICU and right off the bat my one patient's medications, and the kid had a lot, were not right.  so i was trying to do little kid medication math, feeling anxious. you gotta still be a bit anxious when you work in these areas.  i am always nervous about people who are too sure of everything at the bedside. there just seems to never be a time when you should totally feel like you have it all under control. 

that being said...having this long stretch off i gotta say.  no anxiety and no heartburn.  hmm...interesting.  all just signs to me that the big changes are coming for me.  feeling it's time more and more. my thought is cut back this summer and just take a reboot. towards the end of summer really get focused on a different job. either at the hospital for a few more years but in a less stressful position or just retire from the hospital and find a different job to chill in for the next several years.  get some benefits but also collect retirement. 

the house projects are growing.  as i walked in today from the dog park i noted rotting wood on the boards attached to the garage on the deck.  there is a rotten board on the deck, the shed of course.  that is a mess. am getting excited at the idea of renting a big trash bin for not just the shed remnants but maybe some of the other projects.  carpet in upstairs bedroom, tile in upstairs bath and floors downstairs.  just rip it up perhaps...force myself to do some of these much needed repairs. 

will have to see what insurance does with the shed.  

good to be feeling better overall. just the little leftover eye bits and cough/sinus remnants as well.  that is how all viruses seem to work.  my covid test was again negative.  so far...no covid. 

there was a total eclipse enjoyed in a part of the states. of course, the religious nut jobs were screaming second coming and conspiracy theories.  nothing happened besides the usual total eclipse.  in the end it was enjoyed by many.  no eclipse in Alaska though , so i opted to watch a movie that highlighted an eclipse.  Dolores Claibourne.  it's a really good movie part of it takes place in a total eclipse.  seemed fitting.  

i never think about the ratings of the movies i watch. i'm adult so i just watch movies that interest me.  i did text my sister that day to say i was watching that movie as we were talking eclipse. it hadn't occurred to me as i texted it that she may have never seen the movie.  i looked and it was indeed rated R. 

i'm not sure how far my siblings abstain from this stuff.  i don't recall there being a huge thing growing up about many things that now my siblings seem much more concerned with.  i think many have missed out on some really great movies if they follow this rule.

we played with cards, which some members were against.  my Mom drank her Tab, which at the time, you would be side eyed if you drank any caffienated drinks. i didn't dare!  had my very first coke product at age 19. still, i really felt like my parents were fairly chill compared to many other Mormon families. when we spent weeks in the summer at Laguna, i really don't recall us going to church on Sundays except on a rare occasion. i'm wondering now if that was more related to if my Dad had joined us in Laguna.  i don't recall my Mom being too strict about no swimming on the Sabbath, for sure we hit the stores on Sundays.  we went to baseball games on Sundays. 

i'm thinking my Dad may have been more about the rules. i recall him allowing us to go down to the beach swimming one Sunday. felt like it was a kind of big deal.  what do we remember really though.  we forget a lot of that stuff.  i just don't remember that stuff being really drilled in to us. it does feel like my siblings have held on to that iron rod much tighter than my parents ever did. the church, in my mind has changed.

i guess they now don't want to be called mormon, but considering their views on trans folks and their refusal oftentimes to accept then and not dead name them...well, i don't worry much about it.  never liked the whole, you do what i demand but i won't take a step towards anyone else because of my religious views. just don't feel like it should work that way. 

i skipped the temple, other than baptisms for dead people. more and more of that stuff is out there on the internet.  really bizarre stuff, cult like stuff.  at the time i would have been going through they still had people naked except for a sheet where a temple worker would then touch you under that sheet? also something about blood oaths. the outfits, it all really just freaks me out and i didn't even go through it all. 

having skipped that part of the indoctrination did make me a bit clueless for years.  my friend said it took me over 20 years too long to accept the reality of some of these relationships.  i was raised with family first, though i quickly understood that it was family first, after the church. i don't think i fully grasped the degree of church first it really is. 

a singer just came out recently and left the church.  he just released a song.  basically, he had feared his family would not accept him, but instead his Mom left with him and said if you are going to hell, we will go together.  of course, many Mormons responded with things like Mormons don't believe in hell or heaven...they have different levels.  you must be a member and a temple goer, garment wearer, to get to the Mormon level. if you left you will be dropped down a few levels.  the sentiment is there.  she walked away.  family meant more to her than the church ultimately

that core truth is the part that i didn't really grasp. that many in my family see the church as above all.  even their own spouses and kids.  i really never held much of a position at all. their views of family are just different than what i assumed for decades a family was. 

ultimately, you can't be angry about that.  you just have to accept you complete lack of a position of value in their lives. the church will always come first.  what was that scripture, was in regular scripture or mormon scripture...can't recall. but God had apparently commanded a guy kill his own son and the guy was going to do it.  God supposedly stopped it at the last minute.  this level of faith....it's pretty unfathomable to me.  so i guess it's not that surprising that i didn't grasp the level of nothingness i have held in their lives. it is what it is.  

i still feel tempted to call.  i never stopped caring about them.  we were raised together. many shared experiences.  it's just that at some point you have to back away from people who have already backed away from you. we had a common childhood experience but we've now had decades of very little common experiences. 

it's extremely tough to find common ground.  this isn't to say that i won't hear from any of them ever. they will probably still call me on the rare holiday or Birthday. i do not have any hate or anger at this point towards them.  do i save that for the church, yes. i do have some anger towards a religion that takes money and controls people.  it's very cult like and the temple is proof of that aspect.  special handshakes, blood oaths, special clothing and church ordained underwear.  these are not normal things.  there is so much more though. 

many do not even question any of it.  if they do they quickly find some excuse or reason to step back in line. hold on to that iron rod.  they will never let go.  have thought a lot how strange that concept was to me. i was simultaneously taught that we had been born under the covenant with all the advantages that brought because we had fought against Satans plan, which was that we should come to earth and do exactly as we needed to so we could return to God...so we fought that plan only to hold tight to the iron rod, Satans plan, once we got here. so taught we had freedom while being taught to not use that freedom for fear we would be sent to outer darkness or something. 

there are a lot of hoops that many in religion, not just Mormons need to jump through in order to make things work in their heads.  so much you need to brush aside and try to ignore...that is the history and polygamy stuff in Mormonism, also the racism and homophobia, poor treatment of natives....so much.  

i just was never good at the hoops we were jumping through and i had friends more and more on the outside, that questioned stuff.  in the end, as i've said, it's really not that difficult to see once you get off the merry go round.  if you are on it though.  you age and the merry go round just goes faster and faster and it makes it tougher for those questions to even get through. 

these are Iditarod shots.  ceremonial start.  didn't end up going out to Willow.  first time in a bit for that. not that many teams. long drive. 

speaking of long drives. i headed off to Homer for a few nights.  there was a low tide and so i had planned the escape.  the weather seemed to cooperate for the drive down and back. the roads were very clear.  i guess there was a bit of a blizzard the day before i headed down so there were a few patches of ice in Homer. it's all melting pretty quickly at this time. 

my yard is still super packed with snow. can't get to shed to try and recover anything yet. 

i got very little sleep after i had worked that one night. my back has been a bit sore. i woke at some point with two dogs and a cat and i was squished in a ball. 

gave up on sleep and just packed and headed out. 

the dogs and i both loved the little escape.  we were wiped the day after we returned.  still managed a street walk.  

today we just hit the dog park.  last week we hit the dog park and Sunny once again chased down a moose.  he's gotten within 15-20 feet and then came when i called...or when i started yelling like i was nuts and waving my arms as i ran the opposite direction. he may end up on leash more and more.  the bears are coming.

trails are a mess, but the beach....it's cleared off twice daily.  the lowest tide was -4.5 maybe.  saw a few stars, anemones...not many stars out there. i headed to the spit to look for sea stars there at low tide but i saw zero stars there. we napped a bit at times.  wandered. it was relaxing.  the next day we slowly drove home.  a little snow and clouds. the roads were a little wet but not icy so that was good. 

my summer tires are buried under snow still. luckily there had been one cooler i'd been able to sneak out of the falling down shed easily. 

y

there was some pretty strong wind coming back along the coast. attempted to stop for a walk at Deep Creek but it was pretty brutal winds and Sunny kept trying to tuck his head under my jacket.  pee and run for the dogs.  we found it a bit more protected at Ninilchik so got a walk in there. i'd debated stopping at Nikiski but again the wind was really blowing. 

enjoy laying on my bed with the windows open feeling the sunshine on me.  summer is coming eventually. short but amazing

no matter the family situation. i am happy i walked away from that church/religion.  i'm happy that i can just watch a movie that interests me without fretting over it being a sin or whatever. freedom is great.  it doesn't mean that i am a bad person.  people don't generally leave to sin. once you take religion away you take away sin really.  what you have left is people who just try to be decent humans not out of fear but because it's the right thing to do. i don't feel you should only do or not do things because of some fear of hell. live for this life we have here. nobody really knows what the next life brings, if it brings anything at all, but we can know this life.  it's tangible.  we can be grateful for all that is here.  

we can embrace the beauty, look for kindness, help each other.

more and more i do see and understand that trying to create what isn't possible is just an emotional energy zapper. things are the way they are.  sometimes people change but mostly, people stick with what they know. it makes them comfortable. my road hasn't been easy or comfortable.  it's been a battle, but i find battles, change, the scary stuff in life is often how we grow the most.  

religions often stunt growth in my views.  pushes back on those who question things.  encourage people to not reason and think for themselves but instead to just take what is told to them and obey.  

you can only grow so much hanging onto the iron rod.  if you want to really embrace all that a life can offer you have to make the leap off the straight and narrow path and take the roads less taken, hell take no roads at all, just trudge courageously into the abyss. we are capable of much more than we ever imagined and we can never reach the heights of who we can be if we aren't willing to get uncomfortable.  to get scared at times. 

it's not easy, sometimes it's not fun.  it can be terrifying but as you come out of the darkness and see the light return you are much more full than you ever thought possible. 

obedience is fine if you are two but even at two, it's best to live and learn a bit.  climb that tree. scary things done with some safety net. 

guess it's why i debate the leash, no leash thing. how much freedom in my dogs short lives do i want to curtail because i fear a bad outcome.  

fun things coming up....colonoscopy next week and then a public use cabin.  

better get some more stuff done.  blue skies out there today. 

grateful for : A.  that i have taken the road less traveled, heard that poem when i was a kid and yes, it has made all the difference.  B. safe travels to/from Homer.  C.  recovering from another bug