Rainy Day out there today

 

seemed like a good day to blog. haven't been blogging as much lately. i think that is partly due to summer, but i think more it's because i'm just in a better place emotionally.  less to work through. my head is much clearer and not needing to be unburdened as much. i'm good with that.

that is life right.  i guess when you are lucky enough to get to certain ages you have the chance to deal with all the issues we all gather through life and find that place of contentment and happiness. 

i guess it could also be the calm before the storm.  we never know what awaits us. 

for me i have released many old expectations and hopes and just enjoy each day.  i'm thrilled i am not burdened by the religious tenets that make people stress about their eternal lives. i just live for each day.  i wake and see what mood i'm in.  i'm much less inclined to stress about relationships. if people want to be in my life or join me in things...they will. if they don't, fuck it. 

tomorrow i booked a boat trip out of Seward. the wind looked okay and it's the only day this week with just clouds and not rain expected.  that in no way means there isn't always the possibility of rain, but we shall see. love to get out and see those whales. 

i allow the moods i feel to play a part but not to dictate. the best thing for me, is getting outside. some days it takes longer for me to get outside but i've been doing good at getting outside. 

accepting the limits emotionally and physically, working with them. i think that is easier since i do feel like i have gotten to experience a great deal and have had many adventures.  i can't imagine people who waited until their retired to explore and live...you do have to adapt. 

the anxiety still hits randomly but it's so much better controlled. i take the magnesium gycinate and i have just learned to recognize and deal with it.  going to 2 shifts/week has helped. i can't do that forever but i am enjoying a summer of less work.  after that i'll have to look into a second job somewhere else i think if another option doesn't work out. 

work has been going better overall. i think covid hit some of us harder than others. the stress of it all. of course, that has improved but i suspect i had a base of trauma from all the years of dealing with death and dying, including animals, kids and adults.  it's gotta impact you and pretending otherwise for myself anyway, was a losing battle. i suspect i would have dealt with it all until i retired no problem but covid and the pandemic just created a tipping point. 

i found a cabin in Valdez at the KOA that now allows dogs.  not sure if that will continue but i was able to book it so i did a last minute trip to Valdez my last stretch off. it was relaxing.  always beautiful.  the dogs are happy to go and do new things 

have also done day trips/hikes. 

the politics are crazy and out of my control. there are many on the extreme right who are opening admitting/stating they want to make this a Christian Nationalist fascism type of government. they do apparently have the supreme court on their side as they go about this. a recent decision would grant "presidents" immunities that they were never meant to have.

in the meantime, there was a debate where Biden looked like he had one foot in the grave. he failed miserably. can he win? it's hard not to be doomist in these times. all you can do with almost everything in life is do you.  vote and hope. i wish we had a better, younger option and we actually have a lot of really good potential folks on the Democrats side that could work.  facts are that Biden may die in office.  we are overdue for a death in office. no potus has died since JFK and that was right before i was born. there is talk that he should step down or may step down. i have no control over any of that. 

at this point i'd take a corpse over trump. corpse over corruption. i have no control over any of that.  again, you just have to wake up and enjoy each day you have and the peace and beauty that exists around you. 

i sat on the docks in Valdez reading and watching a moose swim out there in the ocean. i've only seen that a few times.  watched a bear swimming as well years ago on a kayaking trip out of Ketchikan. 

worked CSU this week and PCU. got one night of on call. the place hasn't been too busy this week. in CSU we've been watching the bears of katmai. i got to a point i couldn't watch them anymore. those salmon are skinned alive.  it's pretty brutal. i've convinced myself that salmon must have done some thing terrible in a previous life to be returned over and over as salmon.  what a horrible and brutal end. everything wants to kill them. 

the cottonwood trees are going nuts right now. it's the first time i've felt like i have some allergies to them.  always annoying but currently, it's making my eyes runny and itchy a bit.  nothing major, i know others really have horrible allergies. 

i booked a guy to do the shed. not sure he's that creative but hopefully, it turns out solid.  i'll have him put in a little wall so i can make a she shed in the back half with a few platform bunk beds. won't happen until the end of October. hopefully, it's not already snowing and gets cancelled. 

another strange phone call from family this morning. none of us know what happened. it woke up myself, Jeff and Wills. it was some sort of group call. nobody owned up to it and one of my sister in laws Mom was on it...i suspect it was her.  she may have some dementia. the funny and telling thing to me was that everyone immediately hung up once the initial confusion passed.  there was no, well, how are you all anyway. it was just awkward then hang up. 

these are from a spring trek to Homer.  i have another trek planned for a low tide later in July. 

i'm for sure in a "it is what it is" place in my life. it was a long road to get to this point i think.  happy to be here though.  so much easier in life once you relinquish control over things you never had control over. that doesn't mean you are never saddened by the reality of all of that. 

i have carried a bit of the melancholy since i was 10 years old.  i guess you would probably call that depression. do we all have some depression at varying levels, i have no idea. i suspect we do all go through some melancholy from time to time.  my brain has defaulted to demeaning me personally since i was 10-11. when you are younger you do not really know what to do with that.  you have a tendency to believe that brain jibber jabber. you get better at pushing back on negative self thoughts...or i guess you don't.  there are many who get swallowed by it and commit suicide. gratefully, i have never had any thoughts or plans to that level. i often felt and still will occasionally feel like i would not be missed if i did pass away. 

i guess the reality of that is that most of us won't be missed for any extended period of time. maybe that is something you come to realize more the older you get as well.  i'm not saying nobody will think of me from time to time in the years after i pass but overall, life goes on.  it's pretty egotistical of us all to think otherwise. 

in 100-200 years we may be noted in a family photograph but the reality is, we die and our stuff gets trashed or distributed out, our homes, cars get sold.  the hardest i'm sure is to be concerned for the lives of those we leave behind, like children or pets.  it impacts them the most, in the immediate. adult kids, well they are adults so they will be sad no doubt.  they will move on through their lives though. part of aging is letting go of this panic over death.  it's more of a reality, more in your face i think. you can't stop it though.  it's coming for us all. i'm just happy i've had so many days and days filled with health and adventure. 

i look at all the various lives on earth and so many never really get started, their journeys are very short and/or very traumatic.  i've had relative peace and security. i've been able to have good health and adventures.  many are just not this lucky.  to me much of the experience is luck. i find myself believing we all have lessons and we find ways to learn. i tend to think we may return in other forms. who knows.  i like that idea anyway. i've always liked learning and growing. 

it's not always easy but i'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.  

sorry i'm rambling a bit.  

i was thinking about Israel and how it came to be. after WWII it was established by zionists? i just found myself thinking how crazy this is looking back.  for European nations to just establish this with little to no concern for the folks living there.  in my mind i thought, what if after the slaves were freed Europe had decided to take over Mississippi or Georgia and just give it to the freed slaves because of the horrific treatment they had endured at the hands of the slave owners. or if today Europe decided to give all the Native Americans Utah or South Dakota as reparations for what their families had endured.  just a really strange concept.  it does seem that nobody put too much thought in to how that would turn out. 

i've also thought about all these evangelical christians and how doubtful it would be for them to accept a humble Jesus back. these churches are so dependent on money. the pastors and churches seem to have lost the message Jesus was teaching and instead are basking in financial success. then i thought, perhaps Jesus would be right there with them, driving a mercedez and living in a 10,000 square foot house. having his way with women, marrying, divorcing.  

religion can bring out the best in some but it also brings out the worst in others. something about putting so many restrictions on people...it seems to cause many to go a totally different direction.  any and all things become corrupt the more money and power is involved.  it's been repeated over and over in every society. still many do not seem to recognize it.  

it happens in religions, corporations, non-profits, families even. money and power is just so easily corruptible. money may bring some level of comfort and happiness but it's also a mirage.  it often hides a misery that lies beneath the surface. 

i laughed this week thinking about these evangelicals wanting to have the "historical" bible taught in schools. it's laughable really. first off, all these different sects of Christianity will never agree on any interpretation of the bible.  there so many different views and forms of Christianity.  also, some english/history teachers are saying bring it on.  they would love to teach children and in depth analysis of the bible and it's many forms. 

the fact is i'm pretty sure many of these evangelicals have never actually read their bible from cover to cover.  they are spoon fed passages.  they don't read anything else, why would the bible be any different.  many would be shocked by what is actually written in there.  books are missing in many of the bibles.  the main bible in this nation is the king james version. the catholic church i think had a great deal to do with what is in it versus what wasn't allowed in. not sure why songs of solomon and ecclesiastics was kept in.  i think also that king james is an interesting character that many of these evangelicans would be repulsed by. 

i better get these dogs walked, even in the rain.  where to go? i'll look around outside and decide. maybe powerline because the flowers should be popping right now. campbell airstrip because the bear should have been scared off with a bunch of folks looking for a little treasure chest filled with like $300.  i heard it's out there.  supposed to be more clues today...but that mom and cub have been hanging out there.  campbell airstrip is one of my rainy day choices. 

below is powerline. 

the snow level is much less now. 

this is, of course, Matanuska Glacier. 

below here is Byron. i walked this yesterday

and i guess i put the same picture in twice.

so i'll just make it tiny. it won't let me remove it. 

and back to powerline. 

boy these are all jumbled.  i mostly use the phone camera.  will be true in this rain today. the dogs are being very patient but they will be happy to get out.  

i've been averaging 9000-10,000 steps/day.  

better get cracking. tough on a rainy day to get out. once i'm out in the rain i actually enjoy it. 

the dogs, of course, could care less what the weather is or what trail we end up on.  they just love to be outside. they are the best motivators i have in life. 

hope you are all doing well. hoping i see some whales tomorrow. 

grateful for a. peace in my mind and heart b. the great canine motivators c.  wild life sightings and the beauty that surrounds us up here.