life as the black sheep...

 

the frustrating part of being the black sheep/scape goat is that others will never see it and will always wonder why you feel the way you feel.  there is nothing you can do about it really. as i am becoming more and more fond of saying, "it is what it is". somethings in life are just how they are and they will never change.  it's been seen by some and that will just have to bring me the peace and assurance that you tend to seek. 

why do i analyze all.  saw a quote the other day about how with religion people often just put off everything with a blanket statement of it all will be clear/fixed in the next life. i suppose that is probably a reasonable avoidance technique that has worked for thousands of years. people like me just feel obligated to do the work to figure it out this week.  that and my brain is constantly having an internal dialogue anyway.  it's just who i am.  i must analyze stuff. 

i had my trek to Homer. probably the last of the season since the darkness will be closing in more and more. it was another lovely trip.

the fireweed, as expected, was pretty much over.  there was some but not tons. as a replacement for that, the sandhill cranes were seen both evenings at sunset on bishops beach.  the first night i only had my phone. not the greatest photo's but i did get some decent shots. it was mostly just a beautiful experience both nights enjoying 60-70 cranes gathered at sunset. i posted in a homer group and the next night i met a lovely couple who are photographers that live in Homer and saw my post.  nice to meet people like this. fun to chat as we all enjoyed the cranes night two. i still need to look at photos from my bigger camera of the cranes. 

the tides were fairly low the two nights i was there. the first morning the tide zones were all churned up as it had blown hard for 3 days in the area.  so really tough to see anything.  i eventually took off and headed to the end of the spit to see what stars were out. 

the second day the tide pools were clear and though i didn't see any nudibranchs i saw some really colorful and cool chitons. 

there were a ton of motorcycles in town.  apparently there was a ride from key west to homer. so harleys all over.  i was chatting with one rider and joked that for a minute i thought i was back in South Dakota at the Sturgis bike rally.  another biker must have just overheard rally and suddenly he starts in on this is the real insurrection and not the fake one that so many poor people have falsely been sent to jail for....so weird.  i was pretty much stunned into silence as was his motorcycle buddy. i thought, man that was so weird...then laughed to myself. yes, they are weird. 

to be so triggered and so singularly focused on specific words that make you loose your crap and go off.  it's weird. after that i just avoided them all and assumed they were all trump nut jobs.

it was just a relaxing escape overall. 

have had a few walks with friends. on one walk we came up a hill and turned a corner and this guy above (sunny boy) was standing at attention between two horses!! i think that memory will be etched in my brain forever.  he wasn't barking, which i was really happy about.  i started to call, "here puppy" and run the other way to get him away from the horses.  once i had him on leash i let them know that he was controlled and apologized profusely. they were super nice about it.  some horse riders would have given me the business and i would have deserved it. 

so happy work switched my vacation days. so now i have one vacation day while CR is here so i will be able to sleep the night before our road trip.  it's all arranged. i have the dogs scheduled to get their health certificates for border crossings and got the oil changed in the car. 

the handy man came by and fixed the deck and wall.  such a lift to get those off the list.  this stuff just bothers you until it gets done. i showed the handyman the shed.  he has now given me a quote and hopefully will get that done in September now.  i cancelled the other guy who wasn't going to show up until late october.  i suspect he was a bit put off as he said they build all year despite snow.  i just really prefer to get it done and get all the stuff out of the yard before the snow fall. 

work this week.  no on calls.  worked peds and then pcu. it's so funny as there is another betsy that works pcu.  we both seem to be there every time i work there and it confuses the hell out of them all. strange to both of us as there is always like two lindsey's or sarahs and that is never an issue.  our last names both start with p so this unit clerk seems overwhelmed by it every time. 

also strange as she works in that unit so everyone expects her so i sit there waiting to get/give report while they look for someone who isn't me. there aren't a lot of betsy's out there.  still, so odd that it's so confusing to people. 

not a bad two nights. i have two more coming now. i do often think about how people that shouldn't be parents are parents.  so many are anti choice but they do not see the horrific lives so many kids of alcoholic/drug addicted parents must be forced to exist in. they often do not choose to not have kids and those kids do not always get taken away.  i always feel so badly for those kids. just such an added challenge to life for them.  we all have our issues from childhood to deal with but man, those are tough issues. especially, when both your parents have those issues. 

my old home town of Ketchikan had a major landslide the other day.  one life lost and a few injured.  buildings destroyed. it could have been much worse.  many homes built on hillsides so the place the slide happened could have been much worse.  still not stable. i guess the mountain tops got a huge drop of rain during that time. 

hopefully, things become more stable for them and there is no further damage/slides

had my uterus appointment. prolapse is not uncommon and so i'll get fitted for something to help hold things together.  i do like the new doc.  if this doesn't work then we move on to a surgery to hold stuff together. 

my next stretch off is coming up.  what to do?  fall colors are popping out up north so i will probably look and see what i can sort out for chasing the fall colors. not sure i'll do the full Denali Highway crossing or not. hmm. we shall see. 

two nights to go.  i have been able to get some of the added education stuff completed this past week.  they are always adding more.  i look at the jobs when i am at work. see if anything interests me.  none of it really does.  i'll have to show more interest the next time i do an interview.  bull shit is a required part of life some days. 

the crew is probably off the island at this point with the walrus.  i've been watching the baby walrus. she is so cute.  still not really on display.  hopefully, i can catch some glimpses before the weather changes. the camera was still up at round island last i checked. i need to make some new stickers and see if we can get a few donations for our group. 

don't think anyone has used the website to donate since my trial attempt. 

tourist season is winding down.  life is calming.  it is funny how i love summer and all the light but it can also be stressful.  you feel obligated to go and do.  as the light diminishes and the season ends i look forward to the calm of winter. it's peaceful and quite and calm.  

life with the dogs and cats is for sure my happy place. 

people do come and go in life.  it can be a little painful when people ghost you, but they are just moving forward and you are moving forward and those paths are no longer in sync.  enjoy the people who come and go and enjoy those who manage to stay with you. the choices i made decades ago meant that many who i knew back in a different life were going to fall away.  just as i find myself evaluating who stays and who goes, so do others. it's not really personal. at some point it's practical i think. 

i'm rambling again today.  that is actually a more accurate for how my brain works. constantly flipping to different topics. 

am i happy, am i not happy. overall, happy. there are moments and mostly, i just feel frustrated by certain situations and people. you can't change those so you have to let them go. but letting go is not always a complete and final event.  you backslide in the letting go some moments. not sure why i feel a need to prove myself to others who really could care less because they have already made their judgements of who i am and how i must feel. then my trying to prove them wrong just seems to fulfill their judgements. 

and that is the crazy that my brain has to deal with. lol

it's a bit windy out there. i still have to take my shower.  slow start to the day. the dogs will be happy out walking.  just hit the dog park the last two days.  the first day we ended up leaving because i'd worked the nights before and a dog stole ivy's tennis ball and so i could see she was frustrated not being able to get it back. the owner wasn't helping.  her running around being frustrated was getting sunny boy amp'd up and barking so that was making me nuts....so better to just leave.  the lady finally attempted to get the toy away but she had zero control over her dog. it's just a tennis ball so i'm all forget it, it's just a ball, we will just leave.  

need to do some cleaning this week.  guest coming.  we won't even really be here very much but still it's always a great reason to get some much needed cleaning done.  

find a job, find a job.  that is the latest thing ruminating.  i avoided it all summer and enjoyed the 2 day work week.  it is time to pay the piper though.  bills are always there.  used the credit a bit more than i like this summer so i need to work this winter and pay that debt back. mentally, it was totally worth it. i needed that break from the work.  with this many years i won't find a job that will pay what i get here as a nurse. best to keep the insurance and minimal hours here i think and find a second, less toxic job and find more of a balance.  won't need to take benefits out of that paycheck so it could balance out a bit. 

at this point. it's really just about having health insurance until i turn 65 and get on medicare. two nights has been so much more reasonable for me physically and mentally. 

night shift is still getting a bit rougher on the body in general i'm sure though. i'll keep looking at options until one day i just leap at either a different job or retirement. 

the dogs are hanging in here waiting for me to start the day. 

they are very patient.  what would i be without dogs. 

these are photos of Byron glacier area. 

there is a walk on powerline and portage as well .  musk ox from the conservation center.

haven't done too much this summer and then i have done stuff.  it always feels like i don't do much these last years.  it's just changed, what i do.  not the grand adventures of years past.  still there is just so much to see anytime you go out.  it's just a beautiful place. i do love it here. 

flowers.  most of the flowers are going away now.  the mushrooms are popping out as are fall colors. 

hopefully, i can escape this next stretch off and find some fall. it comes fast and leaves so soon. 

i haven't been to Denali yet this year. 

grateful for A. the cranes in the neighborhood and on  the beach in homer. such a sight. B. that sunny boy behaved with the horses on the trail. c. the people who want me in their lives and actively engage with me. 

another trip to Homer in the works

 

wasn't planning on it. so easy though. i've been seeing lots of good fireweed photos. i may be too late to catch the good fireweed but it's a low tide so why not. so that will be mon/tues i think. 

also have much of the trip to Haines locked down. gotta check on our second night in Tok. the email just showed the one night. as i was looking through stuff i realized that CR and i will be in Tok on Sept 11...the last time that happened was right at Sept 11, 2001. though now that i think of it we stayed there Sept 12 since we spent Sept 11 in Whitehorse. still kind of strange to think about. 

my last stretch off we did get a sunny day so i had booked the train.  did not make it all the way to Grandview as there was too much oil on the tracks and despite several efforts and sand, we were having a difficult time getting up the hill. so they brought us back down to Spencer and i did a speed walking trek to the glacier lake front.  beautiful day.

lots of walks in the rain.  Abbott Loop trail once again has a big pond.  it was nearly gone the last time we went.  lots of dog park action.  i keep doing my usual mushroom hunts.  the mushrooms do enjoy the rain.  the lake had a small oil containment issue with the raised water levels from all the rain. it's over by the other parking lot so i have just avoided that and the lake. in the end it was like 10 gallons.  i think it also is related to construction work. 

i braved North Bivouac. there's been a moose kill closer to Campbell Airstrip on the opposite side of trail the sign came down...which really just means the large bear is nearly finished with that meal and will be looking for another soon. i do not want to meet up with a bear large enough to take out a moose.  ran into a guy i've seen on those trails for years.  he said a friend had seen the grizzly and guessed it at nearly 1000 pounds. i walked much faster back to the car. 

the sandhill crane family has been hanging out in the neighborhood.  almost daily sightings.  they are so fun to watch. the dogs enjoy watching them as well. 

woke up early one morning.  i suspect there may have been some disturbance in the house.  i opted to use the restroom and what i found was shocking and disturbing. a dead ermine.  it's in the weasel family and about maybe half the size of a ferret. big really...big for my cat to drag in.  not the best smelling creature either. luckily the scent was contained to the bathroom.  wee morning cleaning and vent helped. 

this week work i got an on call one night and never got called in. got put as overstaff by 0300.  the next night was in the adult icu. not bad but just steady.  off to MRI with one patient early, transfer out right before shift change. 

the week before i did a  night in PICU and a night in PCU.  picu was a lot of patient shifting as they got a few admissions. i've been trying to avoid the sickest kids.  they seem to be good with that.  

pcu i started with 2 patients, which meant i'd get 2 more.  i got busy making sure i was in a good place so i wouldn't be behind all night. the other nurse had the split assignment.  so she came and went as she had patients down the other end of the hall. she liked to tell stories and honestly, they were kind of long and i just didn't really have time to not do anything but listen to her.  she spent much of her time on the other side. i just figured they were her busier patients. 

at some point she came back over and started saying things like "i'm getting a vibe" and "i dont want to be that person".  i felt bad for half a second.  later, i realized that she just really wants to talk and talk and doesn't really want to listen anyway....so i probably was giving her a vibe. 

found out last night they hired a fairly new nurse to the job i interviewed for. i'm sure he is much more willing to do extra shifts.  i was annoyed this morning for a minute. i still use my mantra, "you are being ridiculous" to just let shit go because in general i am being ridiculous. my brain can create silly scenarios if i allow it. you win some you lose some...or it is what it is. that is how life is. it wasn't really the job for me.  in the end. it would probably have been a pay cut without union protections. 

my plan is to start looking for  secondary job some place less stressful to add some cash in and just change it up.  will anyone hire me? who knows. it won't be the same pay....which is why probably good to hang with these two shifts/week. benefits, the schedule i want generally, good pay. 

when you don't change your situation, you can always change your vantage point. 

these are a variety of photos from this summer. Valdez, the boat trip. walks with the dogs. 

i'll crash soon with some snacks.  getting hungry.  ate early. 

loved the many wildflowers.  still some out there, not as much, quickly turning to fall up here. 

you have to get out there and enjoy every moment of summer since it all changes so fast. 

of course, i also find i feel more relaxed as the darkness and cold return, knowing i can chill more and not feel guilty.  

the handyman stopped by this morning to do measurements. hopefully, he can get the deck/siding done this weekend. 

i'll try and do a few day trips and then get ready for Homer 

the olympics finished. so we are done with that for a bit.  winter ones will be next. 

doing a bit more rock painting.  it does relax me.  good to try and get off scroll mode and do some of those things that always make me happy

life has a way of sorting itself out. 

last week i did manage to get through this box of papers. amazing how rapidly paper piles can build up.  got some shredding to do.  i love shredding. 

it was sunny yesterday so i had to get the lawn mowed before it got too out of control  that will start to slow down again soon.  will winter come before the shed can get rebuilt? 

the pipe line above and lions head below.  the pipeline can be a great place to take a break and walk the dogs. wide open for walking and tennis ball tossing. 

fireweed

guess it's time for snacks and bed. 

grateful for a. coworkers that don't find me to have a vibe.  b. tennis balls, my hip pain is helped by sitting on them. my ass needs a massage! c.  these cute sandhill cranes chilling in the neighborhood. also loving the baby walrus at the Sealife Center. not on display yet. fingers crossed i get to see her