the good girl...

 

we were raised to be good girls. to only speak when spoken to. to give and give and give and never ask for much in return. 

we were raised to serve others, especially men. we were told what to think and what to believe and to not question any of it. we were told to not speak out. to not make a scene. to not make waves.

in times like these, waves must be made though. i think of hitlers Germany and the horrors of rwanda. 

when they were told it was fake news, they repeated fake news. when they were told both sides or the same, they repeated both sides are the same. when they were told to not trust any of the news sources, they didn't trust any of the news sources.  

when they were told to burn books, they burned books. when they were told that certain members of society didn't deserve the same levels of freedom, they agreed that those who were outside the norm did not deserve freedom. when those people started to be removed from their neighborhoods, they believed it was for their own good and safety. 

going along with things may feel safe and comfortable at the time, but in the end, they becomes you. they becomes people you actually care about.  then it's too late. 

that is what is meant by those least of these statements in the bibles. if we do not protect and defend the "least of these", then we will all pay the price when society falls victim to fascism. 

my taxes are done. hurrah!  just need to fill out the e-post card for WARIS. so far i haven't been able to get it to work. not sure what is going on. will try again tonight. usually super quick. 

i also got a response from REI finally. hurrah. so i need to see if i can coordinate a date/time that will work and find a speaker. was thinking i wouldn't hear from them at all. so i'll send an email to fish and game tonight as well. see if any dates would work with them, see when the crew is headed out there. gets busy getting ready for summer

feels like ages since i was in ICU so this last week, i was in ICU both nights. v-tach and shocking so right into the thick of it. 

much less fun now after so many years doing it.  just feel like i'm more done with all this. what was once thrilling is more just stressful. i think covid just killed the work for many of us. 

just have to get more focused on planning the next stage of this life. what to do for insurance. when to retire...the big questions.  do not want to work until the day i die. far too many do that. luckily for me as a hospital nurse, i have always had about 2 weeks off/month.  so that is nice.  still i want more. haha. 

chiton. starting to think of my first run down to Homer of the year. there is a low tide coming up...most of the low tides this summer, don't really work with the plans. will have to catch what i can. 

do love those stars and all the other creatures in the pools

you just never know what you will see out there. so exciting.

some pics from a trek out of Seward. love those whales too. 

they are still in hawaii or maybe started on their way back here i guess. 

here to feed and entertain us all.

tail slapping and diving. 

we saw so much on this trip out there. i believe this one we went all day and very far out there. saw so much action.  very fun.

the seas were pretty calm as well. bonus. that is not always the case out there.

leaping...looks fake really. 

have gotten a few nice walks in with the dogs. headed to powerline in a bit.  i took a nap last night, then woke after midnight so i figured...do the taxes. 

will i always have some messed up sleep schedule. 

working nights for years....i'm sure it takes it's toll.  i'm happy i worked shifts and nights though. for me it worked out really well. overall, it was good work. i can't complain too much.  i do feel post covid more underappreciated i think. taken advantage of by the corporate world. 

feeling more and more for workers rights. the corporations have mistreated their workers in their quest for more and more money for themselves. there is plenty to go around and imho...how much money and stuff do these people need? how many homes? how many cars? how many yachts? it's sickening. 

all while others struggle with basics. 

i'm signed up for the alaska geo cruise again this year. it was fun last year. don't know if anyone i know will be joining. 

hoping we have weather like this. :-) you do not always get so lucky though.  it's only a 3 hour trek though. short and sweet we hope.

often these rocks have waves crashing on them and the boat is rocking all over the place. 

need to make the to do list.  get to the bathroom floors...perhaps the doors.  that was the goal for this year. better get to it. then the next is the main floor floors and doors. 

perhaps i'll wear the boy out enough today to do more on the hair trim.  tempting to just shave the legs and let those regrow.  he gets mats on the back legs especially. tough to brush out. 

he was pretty tuckered out the other day and i got some done. 

he's been getting into the local squirrel population of late.  very interested. he almost met a moose the other day. lucky it was napping and didn't stand up. he probably got within 20 feet. oh my heart.

glacier, bear i think?

probably on the drive home or going.  these guys hang out on the arm

occasionally they are right down by the road

this from a drive to Homer

a stop at Deep Creek.  not sure Sunny will be able to go here too much. like Tusk, he's very interested in chasing the big birds.  he may also be more interested in all the dead stuff.  

Tusker and Ivy were usually not into the dead stuff. he may just have to stay on leash

great place for watching the eagles though

i better get ready to walk. the dogs need to be worn out again.  we did an extra street walk last night. good for them to walk on leash.  really need to commit to doing that more and the training that brings to them. i do enjoy dogs that walk on a leash nicely. 

later...

thankful for A. not being a good girl like i was supposed to be. B.  that the taxes are done for yet another year...dang taxes. haha. C.  also thanks for the right to vote and have some control, though it feels like less and less some days with all the shenanigans. got that done this week as well. 

meltdown...

 

and no it's not me melting down!

here i am happy post vaccine. i'm at home in this...sorry for the old lady arm.  i did do the design on my arm.  sadly, the person who injected me i had never met so they don't know me or my humor.  it fell pretty flat.  i did know another person giving injections and i really should have requested her, but it felt rude. 

today just a sore arm and feeling tired.  is my sleepiness just this dreary warm weather.  the snow is melting.  we had some wind this morning and there may be more tonight.  may just close the dog door off while i'm at work.  always concerned a fence will go down and then the dogs will be loose so best to risk them having an accident in the house.  

this is before shot...not the greatest at art, but not horrible.  

these are from July at Deep Creek beach.  always a favorite. 

i'm back for three more nights of work.  Christmas...well it's a bit of a bust this year. 

strange as life makes you examine yourself over and over, which is good.  when you do finally learn to listen?  when do you figure out how to accept what is instead of hope for what you wish things were.

i was the youngest of 7.  i really believe that my parents were bored with actual parenting by the time i was hitting my teens, perhaps a bit before.  with that many kids the firsts just aren't as exciting the 7th time around. 

looking back i spent so much of my younger years hoping for the love and attention.  later i turned to the men i met to fill those needs.  nobody can fill that hole really though. 

it's not at all that my parents/family didn't love me.  they were mostly just exhausted and stressed.  we had my Grandpa, post stroke, living with us.  my parents were just getting more and more in debt.  they were paying for missions and college. my Dad was determined to make his own business work.  in the end, they ended up having 6+ loans on their original mortgage...can't imagine carrying that amount of debt.  they gave up so much to give us stability.  we always had stability. 

my Mom always felt guilty going back to work.  at first it was part time but later it was full time. the younger end of the family was mostly left on our own.  

you do gain independence that way though.  i suppose i was always stubborn and a bit needy. that just got worse being on my own.

each family runs differently i guess.  relationships between the older kids and the younger kids were just never something that was fostered and though we are all relatively close in age....when you are kids it's a pretty big gap. 

so i suspect i always just hoped that i would be part of a family...like the ones we imagined or the ones that look perfect from the outside.   many that look perfect really aren't though.  

nursing is acting but so is family some times. 

pretending that it is more close, more special.  special was always a term growing up.  it was the joke. 

spiritual giant was another term/joke. some were seen as spiritual giants...but there really aren't spiritual giants out there.  there are just people who put up better acts. just like there are no perfect families out there....just some that put up a better picture of themselves.  

i do envy those who do seem to have a closer tie to their family.  i ran.  far away.  it just was easier to be far away than close and face the fact that it wasn't the close knit family we appeared to be on the outside. 

once my Mom passed the family pretty much just became a scatter of individuals. she was what tied us all together.  i think that is common.  makes you feel really badly for those who lose their Moms when they are young. i'm not saying Dad's can't be that, just that especially at that time, it was the Moms.  some of that is probably cultural.  

i know for our family, she was the tie.  once she was gone....so were the ties.  

no doubt being single made that more of a mark for me.  there is no pity for the singleton though.  some how you are blamed for being a failure at finding love. i was told repeatedly in my early 20's that no matter how i felt about the church i needed to just go to BYU and find a husband.  a woman in that culture is nothing without a spouse 

they all have their family units and i will just forever be on the outside of that. they are fine with a few phone calls and a christmas card

as  a singleton it is up to me to create my own family. 

right now i feel guilty because we skipped the walk again. it's been a bad month for walks i must admit. much shorter than usual because of Ivy's knee.  she still wants to take the long walks but she really does pay for them.

the animals are the family. they are great but not the best at conversations. it's pretty one sided. 

life is a series of accepting things the way they are and letting go of the way you hope things are.  it's rarely a match.  i still prefer being single to being in a miserable marriage.  many are.  that just doesn't appeal to me and never did. 

i always felt i should be applauded for having not married the wrong person and having not gotten knocked up by the wrong person. instead, singletons are often shunned or treated like they have some sort of personality issue...the truth is we all have personality issues, we all have failings, some just are married and some aren't. 

getting married doesn't fix our flaws...in some ways it may exacerbate them.  i can still hide my flaws...with a partner, it's tough to hide much...although...

sometimes i watch those shows about murder cases.  it's generally the partner...the one i saw the other day was this "perfect Christian family"....they called themselves the beaver cleaver family...well, turns out the husband at some point started to have an affair. he fell in love and even bought a house with the new partner. why don't people just get divorced?  he decided it would be easier to have his original spouse killed off.  

he found these people in Texas, where they lived.  basically this group kept taking his money and not killing her.  they strung him along for years. he embezzled money from his company to keep paying them...can you imagine being in a marriage with someone and finding out they had another partner and had lived with you for a few years while plotting your murder!!

it's always shocking what people don't know about each other.  so yes, no promise is perfect or entirely safe. 

the wife did end up getting shot in the head and lost an eye, but she survived.  sadly, their kids believed their Dad had an affair, which they said was bad, but that the rest was not true.  so seems like she now has a strained relationship with her kids.  

perfect is the illusion.  we all want it and none of us really ever get it.  

we try to make sure it all looks good externally though.  social media really makes that much easier...it also makes it much easier to make others feel worse about their own lives as they look at all the others out there who have seemingly perfect lives. 

just remember we all have flaws, we all have lives that are marred, and sad and lonely at times. 

we all also have moments of joy and peace and happiness.  

comparisons will always let you down.  it can be tough to not compare and contrast but it is mentally the best way to be. 

many lessons to learn from the dogs. they do not have envy or greed or hate.  it's just not in them. 

here is a dog chasing a bird...sheer joy for him.  he knows how to just revel in the life he is given.  they all do.

well, three nights coming up. the first vaccine in.  we shall see how it all works out.  there is still much not known but it feels like a start.  always the bad comes with the good. 

trying to focus on the good and the positive.  even though some parts of life can be disappointing, others are not.  

peace to you and your families at this time of year....no matter what family turns out to be in your world...

for me family is some of the original blood relatives, friends and the dogs/cats that share my day to day life.

they forgive me my imperfections and flaws.  they see the truth in who i am and they still want to be around me.  

you don't need a million people to love you, just a few. 

we shall see what work brings.  

some young swans at Potters.

thankful for....a. the vaccine and the hope that it brings b. the people and creatures that make up the family that is c.  the stability and love that i came from....as flawed as it was some days.