each day an adventure in alaska: the impacts of a low self esteem

not sure why i woke up pondering this but i think low self esteem is pretty common out there.

it's an odd thing too as in many areas of my life i have a full and robust self esteem.

when it comes to work and my general life i do great...even at times probably having too robust of a self esteem. to the level of feeling a wee bit superior in some moments.

sadly, this has never crossed over to my romantic life. when it comes to love, i have always seemed to have a low self esteem. i have, in truth, never truly felt worthy of love.

i believe there are a variety of events and realities that led me to this and i have been unable to alter this path. i can make all the excuses as to why i never married or had a sustained love, but the fact is, i never fully felt worthy of it.

that is a nearly impossible thing to overcome as it turns out.

i had a reasonable childhood. at least on my mothers side, she gave me a great deal of love and affection in my early years. this did change as i hit my teens...many circumstances, both hers and mine, led to this change. my mom was entering a very stressful time of her life. kids leaving, her dad had moved in for cares, her marriage was less than happy on most days...

weight gain...as a teen i gained weight over one summer. looking back it wasn't as awful as i was made to feel it was. at this point, it's tough to fault my Mom. she had gained weight having 7 kids in 10 years, which i believe was devastating to her self esteem. i believe now that her intentions with me were noble...she just did not want me to suffer from the weight gain.

i think part of what made me think about this was a few i knew as a teen. one was always a bit chubby, but she was always adored by her parents...no judgment. another became anorexic...no doubt because she never felt worthy, that her weight gain was focused on and negatively impacted her.

i was somewhere in the middle in this. i contemplated using laxatives or puking to get to a more acceptable weight, but in the end (despite even purchasing laxatives) i decided it would be worse to shit my pants in Jr High than to be overweight. so thankfully, i had some wisdom at a young age.

children are greatly impacted by those around them. this is not always parental, though my mothers reaction to my weigh gain did have a pretty negative impact on my self esteem. it wasn't until i was well in my 30's that i remember telling her over the phone it was time for her to stop focusing on my weight. even when i had lost weight, she continued to make comments nearly every phone conversation we had. i was finally brave enough to tell her to stop...thankfully, she did.

my father also was a bit rough on the self esteem...he never had one compliment for me that did not include a but...

still i had enough love and affection at home that i have been able to be confident in many aspects of my life...or at least be able to battle through.

one of the most devastating impacts to my self esteem happened after an episode where i was molested. it was clear at that time that how we were seen in the greater world was far more important than how i felt. what is amazing to me looking back is how little long term i have been impacted by the actual molestation and how devastatingly i was impacted by my families lack of reaction to it...by societies lack of reaction. we are supposed to shut up about it...we are even told at times that we deserved it because of how we behave or dress or any number of excuses.

as a female, especially in the culture i grew up in, getting married was proof of our acceptance in this world. you had to marry or you were a failure. there was a certain sort of girl that was deemed as most desirable and i did not fit into that mold. looking a certain way, behaving a certain way, speaking a certain way...those girls were held in higher regard. this just became more and more clear to me with each passing year.

i worked very hard to bridge this divide, but still i always failed to be that girl. i was too willful, too independent. these were all seen as negatives.

at age 21 i was called in to the office at church and faced with my failure. i had failed to marry, failed to have any "prospects of marriage". that was all there was in that world. you either found a mate or you were nothing.

was i more sensitive. no doubt. i have always been a sensitive person. these things probably impacted me more than other people, perhaps i was primed to be impacted by them though. perhaps sensitivity is something that grows over time with experience.

women are to marry, i think this has improved overall but i still think there is a bias.

a sideways glance to those women who have not procured a mate. the questions that go with that...especially one who has never married, who was never deemed worthy.

i recall a disturbing conversation with a sibling. he began speaking of a woman at church who was in her 40's and never married. he kept trying to figure out what was wrong with her? clearly there had to be something wrong with her....even though in truth, there is something wrong with all of us, marriage doesn't fix that. we marry or don't marry and remain as incomplete and evolving beings...

this spurred a heated discussion. in the end i was called sensitive...how do you argue that. i have had many people question me repeatedly until they could finally settle on what they determined to be my fatal flaw..the clear reason i had not married. only then, could those people move forward.

i suppose now i could just answer the truth...i never felt worthy of love. that no matter how worthy i have felt for so much else in this life...love was something i just wasn't worthy of. nobody was ever able to convince me otherwise. many did try, but when you do not believe it in your heart, it's a pretty tough thing for anyone to convince you of.

perhaps at 80 or 90 i will finally be able to feel worthy and love will come to me, but perhaps not.

these are all from Byers this past September. still working on old photo's...

i start back to work tonight. probably should just get out for a walk and then take a nap before work.

these are from a hike/walk around the lake there. always beautiful

the pups had a great time and we ran into no bears.

i have rented Byers cabin 1 since cabin 2 was not available for this coming fall. so i have two cabins and Wonder Lake for this summer so far.

not sure how different self esteem is on males in our society over females. many suffer with this issue. i also imagine that many go through life pretending to not suffer though they secretly battle these feelings.

overall, with self esteem issues it seems best to try to live as though there is no issue...a fake it til you make it attitude. every so often though, i feel we all need to be reminded that we are not the only ones with internal battles raging. who feel we are not worthy. there are no doubt probably many who are in loving relationships who have moments of doubt, wondering if they are worthy or hoping their mates don't discover their many flaws. fearing if their flaws are discovered the love will go away.

i suspect also many have destroyed relationships because of low self esteem, because they do not feel worthy so they become suspect of the love they are receiving. this leads to self destructive behaviors.

love can not fix all. we have to find ways to repair ourselves. it's not easy though. i know in my head that i am as worthy as anyone else of love, but our intellect can't always convince our emotional self of these facts.