the chart and the mindless masses....

 not sure what prompted my Dad to give me the chart.  not even sure exactly when he gave it to me. 

 did he sense that i was questioning the religion i was raised in?  did he give this chart to all his kids?

 i do know that my Dad never wanted any of us to become part of the mindless masses.  he wanted us to think for ourselves.  to not just blindly trust anyone, religious, political.  he expected us to use our brains. 

 in truth the early Mormons were rebels in a way.  they refused to buy into the mainstream church's of the day.  sadly, i watched the church become more and more mainstream.  I'm sure it was obvious to my Dad.  he remained faithful, but i do wonder what he would have thought of the way things are now.  seems to me the church of his youth was filled with free thinkers...progressives even in many ways. 

 the chart he gave me was a comparison of the various Christian faiths and what they believed, what was similar and what was different.  i read all the scriptures available to me and i also poured over this chart.  there were 10 main Christian religions represented...in the space at the end i wrote "me" and put my thoughts in there. 

 i was searching for answers.  eventually i found answers...at least the answers i needed.  being Mormon was not for me.  none of them were right for me though.  which is kind of ironic since according to what i was taught, that was what Joseph Smith found or was told if you believe that he had a visit from God.  none of them were right.

 the Mormons differed in some pretty major ways from other forms of Christianity.  some of those may be down played a bit now.  one big difference was the Godhead.  for them it was three distinct beings. God had a human form.  what you are taught...it was hard to shake i think.  there is no way to know the answer to how God appears or what God is exactly.  at some point i realized there are just things in life that i do not need to expect to have answered specifically. 

 things that can't be proven.  in my view to be an atheist took as much faith as it took to believe wholly in a God.  i choose to believe there is a higher power.  i choose to leave this open to interpretation...but i also have chosen that if God created this earth and this universe that this God loved this earth and this universe.  the diversity shows the touch of the divine.  if these were created for pure practical reasons, we would exist in a much duller world.  why thousands of species of butterflies?  why all the variety and diversity if this planet was not meticulously put together. for me, all the details just prove that if a God cared enough about that we should care enough to protect it.  that surely we would be punished for abusing such a gift. 

 i am not as good as i should be or could be in protecting this earth, but i do try and when i am walking or out in nature, for me, that is where God is.  not in some building created by man. 

 the Bible...according to the chart, the Mormons saw this as the primary book as long as it was translated correctly....which they altered during my teen years i believe. they also had their own books.  my notes show that i was seeing the scriptures as guides.  i do believe they have been interpreted and altered by man a great deal.  i suspect there are stories that were created, much like fables to make points. the books are thousands of years old...certainly, man intervened for his own benefit in directing how this was written and re-written and interpreted.  my faith in man is pretty minimal i think. 

 religions have often been a tool to control the masses.  to control women. 

 the next listed comparison is the pre-existence.   only Mormons believe Man had a pre-existence.  it sounds lovely when you are growing up.  you were pre-selected to be born in your particular family and to be Mormon...i think that is how i recall it.  i felt it was a bit too on the nose.   how lucky was I...now i suspect there is some of mans influence here.  our need to feel we are right, almost a need to feel superior.  there was also a trap in that...if you were born into it and then rejected it, you were to be way worse off than if you had never been introduced to the church. i chose to leave so therefore, i was accepting my fate. 

 ecclesiastical authority....for some it came through the apostles of Christ...for Mormons Priesthood was restored...not to females of course.  males dominate all religions it seems.  guess this was never really something i stressed myself over.  i did write something about humans being fallible. 

 baptism.  this varies across the board.  most have it, some do this as infants, Mormons at age 8 which they determined to be the age of accountability.  also the age that i think we started to be asked by the Bishop if we were full tithe payers...scared the hell out of me.  i really did not keep good records at that age and i feared i was not telling the truth here.  in my notes i had written that i saw this as symbolic mostly..which is a good thing as the Mormons revoked my baptism when i got my records officially removed. many feel baptism is required for salvation but not all of the Christian faiths do. 

 i have not concerned myself much with this revoked baptism honestly.  ultimately, i feel if there is a judgment it will be on our acts throughout our lives.  generally our intentions.  i do not feel earthly ceremony will hold that much power in the here after...i could be totally wrong but then i am headed to hell anyway because i had the truth and turned away from it.  i guess once you accept that, it's easier to let it all go....in some ways it all just becomes more absurd.  i especially have been unimpressed with many born again conversations where you can be a horrible person your entire life and then just accept Christ in the last nanosecond of your life.  for me the Mormons seemed similar in that they do baptisms of dead folks so i often thought what is the point of this life if you can just join the church after you are dead and have all your sins absolved.  after your dead won't things be  more clear? 

 did Christ organize the church on earth...my notes in the margins say no, the church said yes.  was it a virgin birth, immaculate conception...again, ultimately i have come to believe that i do not need to have details about how Jesus was conceived.  I'm not sure how that all works.  i can appreciate who he was and what he taught.  the Bible was written or put together years after his death from what i can gather. had he already become a bit of a mystical figure?  we know history...it's written by those who are in power at the time and altered by others as history passes.  for my journey..the details of belief were less important than how i believe, what my intentions are, how i treat my fellow man and how i interact with what God has created.

 Mormons are the only ones that do more for the dead than just pray for them it seems.  i tend to believe that once you are dead your life and your life choices are what you are held to. is there heaven or hell or just karma, do we return...i like the idea of returning in one form or another...i just feel there is much to learn and it's not possible to learn all with one visit to earth.  perhaps we do come and go as spiritual beings...no idea...again.  i feel these are details that i am not required to understand fully. of course, that is funny as when i questioned things as a Mormon that was often the canned response which annoyed me....that there was much we could not understand but it would be clear after we died...in the meantime you were supposed to just assume that the Mormon way of thinking was the right way. 

 guess i broadened that out more....there are many options for what happens to our spirits or souls after we pass...i just chose to not have to have an answer but to also not assume than any mortal out there knows either.  they are only guessing, just like me, despite trying to make you believe they know anything more than you do. if what your church tells you brings you peace, then so be it.  it did not bring me peace to just ignore all the other possibilities. 

 Satan...there is evil in the world, does that come from an evil spirit.  i would rather not get close enough to find out.  there is evil out there though. 

 do you need to be a member of a specific church to be saved.  i find many modern churches to have become corporations so i get further and further away from any belief that they are the only means to whatever heaven may be.  is there heaven and hell?  not sure how that is all set up...again, it's not required of me to feel i know these details to try to live the message of goodness and love that Christ...and others have taught. 

 marriage...well i have never gotten married.  almost all but Mormons see it as an earthly state only.  time and eternity sounded great when i was younger but i was also becoming confused by how this all worked with divorces and kids from different marriages.  i do think that we will have connections to people we had connections with here.  doubt "marriage" as we know it exists in a spirit world...as far as Mormons...they do still believe in plural marriage in the next life so that did not appeal to me...it was put to us that til death do you part was awful but it also seems awful that the marriage for time and eternity means that after you die your husband starts picking up extra wives?  as a single person..I'd just be added to some harem in the next life?  no thanks.

 on the chart, the purpose of life...not many saw it as a place of learning and growth, but i did. 

 there was more and i made comments but i think that clears my head for the moment.  i wrote questions down such as "is Christ the literal son" and "is there a true church". 

 for that second one....clearly i decided there was not one true church...i feel there are many paths. i believe there are many religions and churches as well.  they are simply to be used as guides.  if they bring you peace, if they help you on your journey and in doing so do not harm others then by all means follow whatever path you find that works for you. 

 as for one and only true church.  it seems too constrictive to me.  it also seems to me to appeal to the arrogance of humans. our need to be right, to feel we know all, to believe we have something more than those other humans.  perhaps that sounds cold and callous, but i see mans influence on religion and feel that no religion can therefore be a pure and true manifestation of a God of spirit.

 i had also wrote down the question, "at what point do the sins of the people corrupt the church".  this was in response to another canned response i found i got over and over.  one that was the church is true it's just that the people are fallible.  this always left me wondering how many fallible members until the entire thing becomes a bust.

 i also noted on a list i had made on the back something about "judging, gossip, lack of support".  for me, the church i grew up in just never felt right.  so much else, so many questions.  i asked them and then my good friend in school asked me many questions which led to more questions.  she wasn't trying to lead me away from the Mormons...she was just curious.  she didn't grow up with any religion taught. 

 i have appreciated all her questions and how they made me take a hard look at the things i was taught to believe.  i also appreciated that my Dad respected my free will enough to supply me with this chart to help me work through my concerns and doubts.  i do not recall ever having a specific discussion about this all.  maybe i had tossed a few of her questions his way. 

 eventually, he ran across my scriptures and saw that i had read them all, had marked them up and that the decision to leave the Mormon church was not one i had taken lightly.  he accepted and respected my choice and never said one negative thing to me about it. 

 we had a strained relationship at times, but when he passed i felt that we had come to terms.  that in the end he liked who i had become. 

 he visited Alaska once and we went on a float plane trip which landed on a remote lake outside of Ketchikan.  we both stood on the floats of the plane taking it all in. 

 he saw the beauty and he saw that this place made me happy.  that i was at peace and i think he felt at peace on that float as well.  it was the most happy i ever remember seeing my Dad...and in that moment surrounded by the beauty of this place...i felt like he finally got me. 

 we are who we are.  we see the world how we see it.  i am grateful that i was able to explore other possible ways of seeing things.  for many they have no choice about religion.  they are born into one and they must remain.  for many they are married off young and have kids and never really have the ability to ask the questions.  it was a gift really. 

 these are all from the other day at Portage Lake. 

 it's 2 am and i really should head to bed soon. 

 walked at the dog park before i had work skills event. 

 went much quicker than other ones have.

 i was having a brain fart as far as the pacemaker and what the educator was trying to tell me.  it reminded me a little of the first educator there.  someone who picks something obscure and then decides you must know it in a detailed way.  I'm terrible with details.  I'm more of a bigger picture person...which i guess also explains why so many of the details of religion just aren't that critical to me.  i really just don't believe that any God expects us to be theologians. 

 the dogs were tired after this day...was it the cold water?

 the ice really is beautiful.

 blind adherence to anything is never a good idea.  question everything, have doubts.  do not become one of the mindless masses...

 we were gifted with free will and freedom to learn and live.  take full advantage. 

 the biggest berg...and the reflection so clear on the drive home.  off to bed.

thankful for A.  a father who trusted me enough to allow me to question things that he believed wholly.  B.  a friend who asked me the tough questions and then questioned the answers to those questions C. charts and books and time and the freedom to find my own way in this world