this is my truth....

 the words i write are about me.  i never intend them to hurt others feelings...but I'm aware that it probably does happen.  especially when it comes to religion.  it's a sensitive subject...but my truth is that being Mormon never worked for me.  it doesn't work for everyone...it is fallible just like all the other earthly religions.  some probably get it closer than others, but God doesn't actually run any of them.  humans do, and humans are for sure fallible.

 was thinking today how too often people claim absolute knowledge of truth in a religion when they really probably mean absolute faith. there is a big difference between knowing a thing and believing a thing.  i know the sun will come up again tomorrow, i  believe there is a greater power who designed the sun and the system.

 these are all in Honduras, Roatan. 

 maybe so many are having trouble with science and knowledge, truth and facts because they confuse them with faith.  we don't know in absolute terms of the existence of God or the tenets of much in religions.  knowledge is based on facts, logic, reason, testing and retesting. in science the knowledge we have can be proven or disproved.   it evolves over time.  faith is a belief in something that can't  be proven.

 in truth i have great respect for those who have that level of faith.  it was just not obtainable to me when it came to religion.  i was always bothered in those testimony meetings when people bore their testimony and always said, "i know the church is true".  you don't know. you believe...you have faith. 

 quite frankly, faith and belief are stronger so it is a better phrasing.  it takes far more courage to have faith in things that can't be proven than to require facts. 

 today science got a first photo of a dark hole, space is beyond our ability to comprehend really.  it is mind boggling as they say...so until science learns more there is an element of faith in a belief of what is out there i guess.

 i have always found that those who have the strongest faith in their own beliefs are the ones who are able to allow someone like myself to see things differently.  your faith can't be broken by my lack of faith.  it can only be broken by my lack of faith if you lack faith as well, if you are searching.  i do not expect the Mormon church or any other church to be perfect as i expect the members don't either...or at least i don't think so.  i believe that members of my family who are still in do have things they will struggle with. their struggle with those beliefs are what make me understand that they are not the mindless masses.  they have kindness and like so many in all religions....they have good intentions. 

 for many who stick with religions despite having some struggle with doctrine, i have respect....again as long as they are able to see that their beliefs are not universal.  if their religion brings them happiness then that is good. my issues are generally with the leadership of most religions...those who use their power and the influx of money in ways that is not in keeping with the intent of the greater power they claim to support.  the same issue many have with big government i have with big religion.  sadly...the larger anything gets, religion, corporation, non-profit, government the more risk of greed and corruption.  Jesus being angry and flipping over the money changers tables comes to mind...there is a repeat of greed and corruption in all the religions.  it's not just government. 

 a bit of a melancholy week for me...when i say melancholy, that i guess  means a period with some element of depression.  since it's controllable in my life i feel i generally just use melancholy to describe what is no doubt mild and intermittent depression.  i sleep more, i hole up more, I'm less social and the word suicide meanders across my brain...it's done this since i was 10 or 11 years old.  never a plan or intent of action...just that the word  crosses the brain randomly. the thought that i am not enough, that i do not fit in. 

 i write a public blog because i know if i feel stuff other people do.  you can be happy and have episodes of melancholy.  you can have mild depression and have the word suicide pass through your thoughts periodically without having that mean intent or plan or even desire.  i could never leave my dogs!

 when i do have these brief episodes of melancholy, it makes me have much more understanding of those who have more severe cases of depression.  where the words that demean are more of a constant drone in their heads.  it's hard enough getting negative feedback externally, but to have negative feedback internally, constantly giving you that negative feedback...i can see how it would get harder and harder to push back on those thoughts, to not believe them.

 i have learned to adapt...to walk, to get out in nature to write, take photo's.  i have a lot of coping skills. i know many others out there don't.  i see them in the hospital.  they cope with drugs or alcohol or bad relationships that maybe are a band aid for times i guess.

 i have come to believe that much of our mental distress is due to an evolutionary imbalance.  we were created with those basic skill sets to find water, food and shelter.  in our world, most of those things are pretty available.  this leaves our brains time....time that we have not really adapted to coping with.  once your basic needs are met you can get overwhelmed with other needs that aren't met that maybe you never would have even realized you had. 

 unwinding on a vacation in these pictures...back to regular life now. 

 many find religion helps them cope...for me i found it stressed me out.  it seemed stressful because everyone was more perfect than me.  that was a common social thing at least in the culture we grew up in...everyone seemed perfect..i think others just acted more perfect. i remember several families that were held up as the perfect families in the ward, only to have it all fall apart.  i found it very upsetting.   now social media sites throw your imperfect life in your face.  at least when i was a kid your imperfection was less visible.  how do young kids cope?  social media can be manipulated to make it appear that others lives are amazing, which can make you feel inferior....they are struggling like you are no doubt.  not many folks get a free ride in this place.

 we are all imperfect, but we just have to find a way to accept ourselves...it's not easy. 

 for me it just means that some days i wallow a bit in the imperfection, i have negative thoughts cross my mind..when you are alone it's easy to get sucked into those thoughts if you aren't mindful of them. 

 again...it's why i write some days. why i just let honestly flow from me.  some may not like it. some may find it uncomfortable.  some may fear i would take action on the word that casually crosses my brain, but i also know that there are some who also have negative thoughts cross their brains and i want them to know that they can do that and those thoughts can be beat back.  that we are all worthy...that no matter how at times it seems like life can be unfair and difficult, it is a struggle we all share.

 be kind to each other.  talk to strangers. smile.  you just never know when a kind word or a smile can make a difference in anothers struggle. 

 i can be too sensitive...i know several others who are the same.  usually, when people lash out it is their crap...it's not about you.

 loved the various blue hues out there. and the random animals that roamed around. up here it's moose and now again bears.

 i felt the need to head back and view the large ice in Portage.  it was soothing to listen to the wind cause water to crash against the ice.  i did start that way and then headed back to the sunshine and walked just a bit of portage trail. 

the university was doing a summer ski training thing for cross country skiers.  those nuts had walking sticks and were walking up and down the big hill there. i walked up and down it once.  it was great training for the dogs so i used their training to train my dogs.   they were all pretty impressed as the dogs stopped and stayed for each of them to pass by.

 just some scenes from the road in Honduras. 

 the dogs got lots of tennis ball chasing in.  walked a ways then heard a few noises...bears show up on this trail early so i opted to stick with the skiers.  i also fear the tennis ball will take a bounce and the dogs will fly down the steep hills of this trail. 

 i know many are walking these trails but i have decided to maybe avoid these trails a bit this year because of the big quake.  more rocks than usual falling down. figure I'll wait for things to settle.  i do like living.

 my dream this morning...the fence was down between houses and the dogs were happily playing with the neighbors dogs in both yards.  thankfully, my pet bull hadn't escaped the yard...not sure why i had a pet bull.  everyone in the neighborhood was putting stuff outside to give away.  that was the dream. 

 took a short nap, woke up after 9pm as it turns out.  this time of year it starts to get confusing.  is it night or day? 

 tried to put the yakima back on the car but as soon as i got it up there i couldn't get the key to work again...need to get that looked at.  thought i had fixed it with some oil.  guess not. the car looks sad without it though.

 a little shopping before we got on the mother ship.

 back to work tomorrow...well i guess it's officially today.

 life your life, be happy. your truth is your truth, mine is mine.  we meet in the middle where we can

thankful for: A.  coping skills B.  good support in my life when i need and/or accept it C.  dogs