they just aren't that into you....

 

i've heard this about men but i'm the fool who didn't realize that it applies to others as well.  i feel i am finally coming to terms with this fact.  as a rule they really just aren't that into me. the world hasn't ended.  i do have a large family and there are those who are into me more than others.  it's really just me coming to terms with what they are capable of giving and trying to accept the limits of that.  

tamping down my own expectations of what the reality is. 

in general, when i look at my life, i enjoy it.  it's time to start putting this covid crap behind and move forward with a new mind set.  a more simple view really.  one with lower expectations of others and more focus on living my own best life. 

so many focus on death and the impact their lives have in the future.  the truth is very few of our lives really have much meaning on this earth too far beyond our days spent here. it's pretty arrogant i think to believe our lives here matter that much on the larger scene.  

will i be missed.  sure, for a bit, for a time, we are nearly all missed by someone.  but to miss someone you have to have known them at some level and the truth is a generation or two passes and there is nobody left with memory to miss us.  

my Grandma passed when i was 3.  i have no memories of her.  i know others who miss her so i have some reference for memory.  for my Dad's parents..i don't even really see them as Grandparents.  seems odd, but they had passed long before i came along.  i think they may have passed before my eldest brother was born or soon after...so i doubt he has any memory of them. sadly, my Dad never really spoke of them.  i knew his Dad was an alcoholic but i really know nothing else and the next generation and the next generation will not know anything. 

so even if you have a slew of kids...ultimately you are remembered in some vague sense but not really missed. 

in the end, very few who pass through life here on Earth are remembered or missed.  we are just another human, living simple lives.  so pondering these things seems a bit wasteful really.  Beethoven, Rembrandt, they are not missed, their works are remembered and that is really quite astounding.  

very few are remembered after generations...those who were very creative or did incredible good or those who were horrific and terrified many.  since most  of us won't ever achieve this level of notoriety...it's best to just simplify.  

not waste too much of our energy worried about being missed or remembered.  just enjoy each day we have here.  

my life probably looks somewhat simple and maybe even pathetic to some.  i have no great love in my life, i have no children.  i am not famous or special in any real world way.  

my impact in life is a moment here and a moment there. a small kindness or gesture that made life more bearable for a patient or friend. 

we often feel pressure to be great when we should just focus on being good, kind, tolerable even.  we should just try to enjoy our moments without making others lives miserable. 

covid did clarify much in many of our lives.  we know more what matters in our lives, who matters. who really cares and shows concern for us.  who we are concerned for.  

we were forced in many ways to simplify our crazy lives and we discovered that much of the stuff we thought mattered, just really didn't

many of us no longer want to waste time on obligations.  people who are obligations as well.  i don't want others to try to fake some obligatory relationship with me any more than i want to fake some obligatory relationship with them. 

one night down, two to go. i worked the ER until about 2:30 am then i went to floor to be a sitter for yet another alcoholic.  that was pleasant.  after the drugs finally slowed this person down i got so sleepy.  

i texted my friend over at the other community hospital...cracked up because i was drifting off while texting so it made no sense. we'd had dinner super fast last night before i zipped home and got ready for work. 

thankfully, he got the back seat out of the Element. 

he wasn't able to get the bike rack off.  i may just go to this bike place that is community based and say, if anyone can get it off they can have it.  just way too much bother as a bike rack. should be easy to get off and on. 

it was really the first time i have driven the car more than around the block.  i for sure have some PTSD driving it.  will be awhile before i feel i trust her again.  that was a fairly stressful drive back from Summit Lake that fate filled day. 

i have always found cars to be my point of emotional melt down.  i'm fairly stoic i think in general, but over the years, when i've had cars break down and leave me stranded...that is when i have lost it.  more than one repairman has seen me cry. 

getting the back seat out is a step towards the mini camper idea....at least for some close camp outs. i better get moving towards another night of work.  boo.  :-)

thankful for A.  those who do not see me as an obligation and who genuinely like being around me and accept me for who i am, quirks and all.  B.  the critters who share my life and bring me peace, comfort and companionship...and a lot of laughs. C.  a job that, despite being stressful and horrible some days, is a constant reminder to appreciate what we have because it can all be lost in a heartbeat.  it's also an opportunity to put kindness out there in a world that can be cruel.  got 2 hugs last night.  one from a patient.  is hugging returning?  not that i'm a huge hugger, but it was unexpected to have the human touch return a little.  as a singleton we are rarely touched.