olympics and walks...

 

winter olympics were always my favorite...guess it makes sense since i ended up here.  i have always been a fan or cold over hot. above is a batch of rocks that i painted. many have already made it out into the world.  off to unknown destinations. 

this past week has been up there in the competition of the ultimate lazy days.  i have walked. i ended up getting on calls all three nights i worked.  only got called in once.  i stay up late...or is it until it's almost morning for fear of the phone ringing and me missing it.  i guess i could get a lot of stuff accomplished. but instead i watched old tv shows, read and played games.  the olympics started as well so that got some of my attention.  

one thing i have enjoyed about these last few Olympics is it felt like a return to the previous days of Olympics.  in the past the athletes didn't have a huge entourage that joined them.  they went to the Olympic village and got to meet and get to know other athletes.  i feel like that is happening more these past few times because of covid. 

they get support from the other athletes on the nations team over their family/friends that they bring with them.  it's a more pure experience i think.  all will return to baseline sadly in that way. 

there will be good that comes of this pandemic as well as bad.  mostly folks like to talk about all the bad stuff. i think it will help us leap forward in some areas.  where there is sacrifice and suffering there is usually growth and improvement. 

if our nation survives all the hatefulness from the right tearing at the seams of our democracy. the level of obstruction and lack of any desire to cross the aisle is a right mainstay at this point.  they are clinging to their fool and his lies.  

the older people get the less they want to admit they may have been led in the wrong direction...meaning they will instead dig in and fight like hell in order to prevent being found out as a gullible fool i think. 

i can't imagine being in your 50's, 60's, or 70's and above and coming to some inkling of realization that the religion or politics you have clung to for years was just on the wrong path, taking you down the road to nowhere.  lie up on lie heaped upon you.  you believing each one but as you look back you may start to get that it's just a bunch of malarky.  easier to go into deny mode i suspect. then to discover that both your religion and your politicians misled you.  

i was going to stop at Cheney Lake today and hope they had some of those frozen hearts out again.  it was pretty packed with folks ice skating and fishing.  i am not alone in my love for the cold of Alaska.  we are outdoors and in it and loving it. i have made my own ice shaped hearts to enjoy around here.  put some on the little free library.

today we walked at the dunes, yesterday over 2 hours at N. Bivouac. the puppy is doing well.  i need to do more training and leash training especially.  i have been lazy at times.  i did add the second flap to the dog door yesterday and he had no hesitation.  this hasn't completely eliminated the need for the wee pads yet.  he seems to still get lazy at night, whenever i sleep.  he goes on the pee pad upstairs.  

i do have the washable ones now so that will help. hopefully, he will just figure it out over time. i am slowly getting rid of the pee pads so we are down to one upstairs and one downstairs. 

he's doing well with his return off leash, sits/stands/downs. starting to work on leave it since he's taken to cat chasing a bit.  doing well with off trail command when folks are trying to pass. 

he also came close to getting attacked by a reactive German Shepherd. i'm not a fan of those dogs.  they are beautiful and intelligent but i do not trust them.  this one was way too large for the owner and she had no ability to control him.  she pulled him like 50 feet of trail but then was unable to hold him so now i have this 115 pound shepherd coming at us full force.  i just kept spinning with both dogs.  it took her some time to get back on to the trail as she had taken herself into deep snow.  

i mostly just say nothing and just walk on...my nearly 5 month old puppy better trained and controlled than her adult dog. it's the humans fault...as much as we'd all like to blame our dogs, it's generally our fault. 

it was a great mental break to not go in to work except that half shift.  i did schedule myself for some breaks over the summer and i did opt to try to attend the family reunion.  there are some people i would really like to see. relationships are limited with others.  the truth is my one brother goes to church still and he will always be given the benefit of the doubt. i do not go to church so my actions will always be suspect and the worst will generally be assumed.  not sure why i am so slow to figure this all out.  i suspect i should have gotten into heavy therapy ages ago.  it's been a journey of self over the years though.  painstaking and slow. still i think i've made progress. 

was on tik tok a bit last week.  punched in ex-mormon and of course, lots of stuff cropped up.  when i left people just left quietly, we never spoke to anyone about it.  we had no support.  then the internet came.  now there are all sorts of places and people who have left are talking, sharing stories and experiences.  fun, even though i'm not in that place like so many of them are, just to hear the stories and know that there are so many out there. i joined a group of facebook that goes with a podcast i'd seen on tiktok. i made a comment or two and shortly there was a familiar person on there responding.  had no idea she had left.  like i said, we never spoke to anyone about it.  i just went on with my life, made new friends.  

honestly, it would be tough to find a therapist that could relate to the whole ex-mormon road. 

now there are posts out there with all the temple clothing and describing the secret rituals.  strange stuff really.  now i just feel bad for all those who went through those annointings and feeling scared and creeped out by it all.  i guess they basically would put a sheet over you naked and annoint you by touching you and saying things.  i'd have been creeped out.  many don't get any warnings about what they are about to encounter.  i had thought people just wore white suits and dresses in the temple but after my Dad's funeral i found out the bizarre outfits they do wear.  i guess you can buy them or rent them.  

like the underwear that is unique to Mormons, you  purchase from the church itself.  as they are a multi-billion dollar corporation it's just another way to get money for their members.  i am very happy i left so early and never went through the temple stuff other than baptizing dead folks. 

the further away i am from the church the more bizarre i find it all.  how elite are you if before you even take your first breath you have been placed in a home with members of the church because you were apparently a stellar soul in the pre-life. born under the covenant i think it is. 

anyway, at this point.  it is what it is.  fun to listen to the many who have left more recently.  the podcast could be interesting on my drives this coming summer. happy others have more support on their journey out. much more information out there.  many inside the church just refuse to look at things that refute the churches teachings as it may impact their faith and they are encouraged not to.  i always thought the who you have freedoms and yet the message overall was that you should never dare to use that free agency but instead you should cling fast to the iron rod of faith.  i've had a much better life using my free agency.  

i'm more convinced that there will be a major reckoning with God and these religions that seem to have just become humongous corporations.  the mormon church alone could do so much to help others. not saying they do nothing to help but they have billions of dollars and they could make a huge impact on poverty, starvation, sickness but instead they hoard it.  i just can't imagine the Jesus Christ i read about in the New Testament would be on board with any of these mega corporation churches.  

so i'll go to the reunion and i will try to just keep my yap shut. nothing gonna change there anyway.  we have very little we can talk about. can't even agree on who the POTUS is at this point.  i'll have my own space and some like minded folks to escape to. i have never liked to have anyone or anything prevent me from living the life i want...but then when it comes to family i have too often allowed them to control the narrative. i have felt like i wasn't worthy, or that i was some how tainted.  when people assume the worst of you, it's easy to allow yourself to assume the worst in you as well.  

i am for sure an imperfect being.  we all are.  i'm overall okay with the fact that i am not perfect.  the church was way too stressful..everyone trying to act like they weren't just striving for perfection but faking like they were already there.  showing any lack of perfection was not acceptable.  no cracks were allowed.  you just had to act perfect no matter how much internal suffering you may have.  for me..it was just too much pressure.  for a lot of folks really.  

the church is losing membership from what i've seen reported.  as i had suspected many just aren't returning after the covid hiatus.  the confusing treatment of Gays has been another huge area that has caused folks to walk away.  womens issues and race i think have played in other times the membership numbers dropped.  the church isn't going anywhere.  Josephs legacy lives on...no matter what sort of con man he turned out to be.  harder to hide the true historic details with the advent of the internet as well. 

i can still back out if it turns out that there is another covid spike. for now we seem to be starting to decrease in numbers up here.  we never had the level of critical patients that we had with the fall spike. this time it seemed more that we had staff out sick and so the struggle was keeping the staffing up.  that is the reason i got on calls.  dramatic decrease in sick calls. 

still hoping this is the beginning of the end of covid as a pandemic.  suspect it will remain with us, like Aids and other bugs...it will just become less of a factor. like rheumatic fever i suspect as well that we will have long haulers and later some cardiac issues that will be found to be related to the initial covid infections 

nursing...well, my guess is if they don't do anything to appease the current staffing situation they will be stuck paying expensive individual contracts.  the powers that be have far too long been screwing staff while lining their pockets.  those at the top make a disgusting amount of money while the staff actually caring for the patients get the shaft each shift. nurses are trying to get a national union started and make some changes.  another benefit of covid.  the issues existed but covid just blew them up. 

i suspect masks will be worn for years to come, much like gloves became standard for all things post Aids. 

the rest of these are from Homer trek in October. 

well and walks in town i guess. 

got some bills paid.  got an estimate for the tile work.  now i need to see how much the actual tile will cost with that, and buy a new toilet. 

Sunny Boy is dreaming behind me.  sleep hard, play hard.  we ran into a standard poodle puppy that was similar color and 8 months old.  cute.  i bought some hand shears for grooming so this morning pre-walk i got the treats out and clipped around his eyes. my clippers are on the way.  we shall see if i can become skilled at grooming or find someone who does a good job.  

i did get him into a class starting in a few weeks.  so that is good.  it will hopefully force me to be even more diligent on my training. 

still miss my sweet boy Tusker.  when everyones on the bed for morning snuggles i keep thinking he'll jump up as well. i also worry about what the dogs are fed/treats and stuff.  what was all that stuff he was obstructed with.  nobody knew. hard to prevent something when you don't have answers.

the sting has lessened as it does.  still just shock and sadness rolls over me at times

i did get brave and connect the battery charger to the Element.  after like 15 minutes of charging it started right up.  so i let it run a bit.  it's started every day since.  hoping i can get it over to the shop for an oil change.  get it cleaned up and get the dogs in it again.  the puppy hasn't been in it yet.  i may regret that. haha. 

it was nice to wander around Homer without the crowds. 

overall, i'm getting pretty attached to this new friend in the house. the cats get annoyed at times but overall seem to see him as harmless.  Ivy, who knows if she misses Tusker, dogs just move forward.  she does seem to enjoy this little puppy.  you want to assign human emotions but i think there is less of that then we'd like to believe. i do like to imagine that Tusker saw my anguish over his loss and put this little puppy in our lives. 

i got a clean bill of health from my doctor. i'd had pvc's after Tuskers loss, but my labs and ekg were all good. those are basically gone now, though i get anxious about the possibility of them returning.  she gave me an rx for more anxiety medications.  it's like patients i've had that have complained of pain until i got them a machine where they can dose themselves...then they don't use any of it...they really just needed to have control over their pain, or know they could give themselves the medications...

humans are strange.  it's tough to change when you are older so i'm going to try to remember that more.  give up hope of others finally waking up...i'd hoped at one point and i'd hoped for too long.  it's just not going to happen. so then, you just hope that the life they have chosen, right or wrong, brings them it's own peace and happiness. i do hope for any who want to make changes that they are free of the fear that holds them back if the life they are living is not making them happy.  the saddest thing is watching people be miserable because they fear change so much they rot in the hell they have created for themselves in fear of the change that would no doubt allow them to soar and be free. sorry, major run on sentence.  haha. 

the way i see it...like is too short.  i'm on this end of things.  why waste more time not living the life you want.  i am so happy i got out of the religion i was raised in and that i got out of the city i was raised in.  not that my life was terrible, it wasn't, but i'm happy my life went the way it did for me. 

i'm also happy that i have met so many others along the way that helped me see things from a different vantage point.  helped me see there are many ways to live, many ways to see this world.  there are answers everywhere.  truth is all over and falsehood is all over.  you just have to open your eyes and ears and mind and find your way through the bull. 

i'm happy that my work has allowed me to meet humans from every possible walk of life. to work with them either as a co-worker in stressful and funny situations or as patients to be there at their worst possible moments and ease their way no matter what the outcome was in the end. many never stray out of their life bubbles.  they have a very small view of the world outside of themselves. 

have been at Ruths less since the puppy came.  like to vary his experiences and the trails near here have given me more chances to do off leash training...and wear this puppy out!

we still have some winter left.  once we hit February it seems to start to go faster.  the light returns quickly and the temperatures are better, there is also a lot of activities to start looking forward to.

my massage therapist texted with an open spot for tomorrow so i'll take her up on that. i'm sure with Tuskers loss i have some knots imbedded deep inside my shoulders and neck.  go spoil myself for a few hours. 

the halloween changed to christmas and is currently valentines. i've been making frozen hearts to add to it all. 

below is me swinging under the docks in Homer on the spit 

guess i shall get off of here. i need to open a venmo account to pay for my room for the reunion.  maybe i'll do that tomorrow...i can only get so much accomplished on any given day.  

grateful for: A.  my loss of faith and the path forward that led me on. B. my free will and the choice to use it. C. snuggle time with the critters.