should be hitting the trails..

 

figured i'd toss in a quick blog though. it's been awhile. 

been watching some Olympics when i can.  walking a bit of course. the weather is nice today, it's been freezing rain the last several days so the snow is a mess. the roads have also been a mess. so some bog time by the house to avoid roads.  will get back out there today i guess. my stretch of days off begins.

Valentines day came and went.  no big deal here.  annoying as my brother with narcissistic tendencies has taken to contacting me on every holiday with a text.  should be no  big deal but there is a whole thing....he has never addressed/apologized for the nasty, expletive filled rant he left on my answering machine over a year ago. i made it clear with a reply that if he ever wants any normalcy in our relationship this is required. i copied this to a sibling as i do not believe we should have any correspondence without another involved.

sadly, and not shockingly, the response initially from that sibling was to ask if i had indeed done anything that i guess merited the rant and if i thought that perhaps i should actually be the one apologizing.  i informed him that no i shouldn't be.  the moment he chose to leave that message any justification he thought he had and had convinced the third party sibling of was moot. 

that is how narcissists work though. they play the victim and are great at that role.  martyr, victim, woe is me, poor me.  i'm sure he is telling them how hard he is trying to mend this relationship, reaching out, being so nice and mean me will not respond or just attacks him. his response to my response that he needed to apologize or just leave me alone was "got it". the sibling i involved seems pretty sure that he will apologize, i am pretty sure he won't.  no matter really.  i could care less at this point.  i have very low expectations on relationships in general with family. 

it is funny to me though. it took covid to finally set me free. to finally see the reality of these relationships. there are family members that do see me and do accept me so at this stage just focus on those.  for this one, i set boundaries and limits and move on. for many others, i just have low expectations...i mean they have assumed the worst in me for decades.  

was a sitter at work one night this past week.  was watching some tik-tok stuff from exmormons. there are quite a few leaving at this time and they at least have the benefit of a support network of others.  it's a bit of a rag tag group in some ways as i well know they are in a state of emotional lability. those first years are pretty tough getting out of mormonism.  you basically cut yourself off, you have to tear down everything you thought you believed and start over trying to figure out what you still believe or what you want to do spiritually.  

there are also major social ramifications.  when you are in a religion that plans your every day, you have to learn how to be a social being.  no matter how you behave in the mormon culture you are welcome to the many events...events that for some reason they always take attendance at.  that always seemed odd to me.  how big they were on record keeping.  anyway, in the real world there are real world consequences for bad social behavior. 

families are torn apart or just strained...i know this because even after over 30 years out that strain continues.  there will always be a rift there that can't be mended. there is no way to leave the one and only true church without being a statement that you do not believe it is the one and only true church.  that is offensive at base.  

most do not want to make a scene so most of it is a current that is just there beneath the surface.  they are better off when i am not there. i bring stress and drama just by my presence.  they can't speak freely when i am around.  their  existence is church so that really impacts them to have someone there who they can't be the church around. it's the many times i was informed if i wanted to visit with them i would just join them at church because that is where i know they will be. they would then proceed to attend every and any church related thing...so paying to fly places to watch people go to church, well that just becomes annoying.  when i first was leaving there was a lot of imploring me to just go to BYU and find a partner, get married and start having babies as then i would stop the nonsense of not believing i guess.

they never asked why i left, they never had any interest in what i believed after i left. questioning me in that way may make them question their truth i guess. maybe it was always just easier to assume the worst.  the usual story when people left the church was it was because they wanted to party or whatever...it couldn't be because they didn't buy into the church. an exmo on one of the tiktoks was saying that in the past people left for those reasons but now they leave because they find the church isn't true...kind of funny really. people have quietly left the church for generations. 

i'm sure things like polygamy and the blacks holding priesthood stuff was met with some leaving. i suspect those numbers are increasing on this round with the churchs stance on gays. the internet exists now...so that just means more information is out there that makes the history and the doctrine more clearly false. 

for me, there were many things that made me uncomfortable.  women's rights, the polygamy issues...even if they don't practice it now, it wasn't denounced in their doctrine it was just a practice that was suspended to gain statehood.  a practice they continue in the next life. the teaching about white and delightsome and that blacks were black because of the sins of their forefathers was something i was very uncomfortable with.  the continued and convenient revelations made me uncomfortable.  basically, once part of the church was not true it all wasn't true.  if you claim to be the one and only true church, you had better be able to back it up.  they couldn't. 

the answers that were given to my many questions were pretty feeble and i must say they have not improved over the years. the church gives the same watered down, weak answers to the big questions whether you are 10 years old or 50. the doctrine doesn't improve over time or with age. 

the strange and secret temple stuff creeped me out.  i didn't even know much of that at the time but i'd seen enough of the misogyny to be less than impressed. 

they do not give an accounting really of where the tithing goes and as i now see most of these major organized religions they are really nothing more than a front for a tax free corporation.  i'd be more supportive if they didn't hoard their money in the millions and billions but they do. the mormon church, alone could probably end world hunger but they instead hoard their money.  they are a humongous corporation.  i read the teachings of Jesus and this behavior is not in keeping with his message in my opinion. 

the further out i am the more i find out about the history and the early leaders.  with the internet there is more out there about the secret temple ceremonies and all of that.  it only confirms my decision.  

most of the stuff i don't really bother with.  as i said, once it wasn't true, it wasn't true so i didn't need more.  many can look past so much of the stuff.  so many are social mormons.  many just enjoy having that level of involvement.  i always was bothered by the anything positive that happens in your life all glory to the church, anything negative was on you. i was also very bothered by the keeping up appearances attitude. the playing perfect. i was a flawed person and still am and that is fine.  i was no match for the molly mormon types that surrounded me.  there was a type that you were supposed to fit into and i never fit. you are either willing to play or you are not.  if you are not you either leave or live in there miserably. 

anyway, i hope the best for those who are freshly leaving.  i left so early and thus avoided deeper indoctrination.  it's much tougher for those who are more fully invested. i really feel for many of these folks.  it does get better and the further you are away the stranger it all seems.  

i have no clue who is the latest president/apostle or what ever.  i just don't pay any attention to that.  if something hits the news i will take note since it's in my past and generally if the church makes the news it's not good for them.  

they have screwed up royally with their treatment of their gay members.  they are paying the price for that.  they are a filthy rich organization so don't weep too much for them at losing a few members or not gaining new ones....at some point they hardly need the members.  soon they will just spend money building empty temples...much like the scientologists do...invest in many beautiful empty buildings so it  looks good. 

it's all very strange really. when i left there were no exmo sights as there was no internet yet.  my journey was more of an individual quest for my own truth. for sure had some ups and downs.  

I am seeing now that i probably was meek around family in many ways...i had been the one who chose to leave so i was the one who was required to not ruffle their feathers.  between covid and treatment i've gotten in some cases and just getting older and more cranky i guess....i care less about everyone elses feelings.  i don't care about appearances as much as they do really.  

i made it clear that if i get any more nasty messages from this family member i will copy and post it to every social media site i am involved with.  

the work week is behind me again. it was pretty varied.  a few nights in CTICU. i also worked ER, RCU and ICU.

the puppy is doing great.  will head out soon to walk them. 

the cats are still trying to figure out how to deal with him. 

these are a few from that trek down to Homer. this week there have been some avalanches so doubt i'll travel far. 

fall of course. it's nice to see the blue skies again today. 

dead fish scattered everywhere. 

the little guy is barking off and on. he wants to get Ivy or I to play. poor pup. i am ignoring him this morning a bit.  do need to get him out. was trying to get the ball rolling on the GCI stuff. they are getting rid of cable so i need to get prepped to switch over to online services. 

then i opted to blog. in between J called so we were just chatting so now i'll finish this up and get the dogs walked. 

the Olympics are ending. tonight is the last of the figure skating.  it was a strange ending to womens/girls figure skating as the 15 year old russian skater was allowed to skate despite a positive drug test for a cardiac drug. still not clear why they would think they needed to dope these kids.  they would have gone 1-2-3 in this olympics no doubt since their scores were really miles above everyone elses...why is that? how is that possible? they just do quad after quad.  

so the kid either through her routine by falling repeatedly or she was completely messed up by all this focus on her and whether she should be allowed to participate at all. it was stated that no medals or ceremony would happen if she was given the gold. who knows. her coach is said to be brutal and when she came off the ice it sounds like she was berated.  the other two Russian skaters, who were to get the gold and silver, were both angry and crying and talking about how they hate skating and didn't want to stand on the podium.  they eventually did.  sad that the 15 year old was berated instead of being comforted. they blame the media, we blame the russian olympic system and brutal training process. 

the bronze medalist was very happy to have gotten her medal though so that is good. 

still some covid out there.  it probably won't ever go away.  hopefully, we will start to see some return to normalcy though as the case numbers slow down as do the deaths. 

things are a mess in our nation.  watched another tik tok of someone who claimed to be a former conservative.  he was sadly admitting we aren't the greatest country but that we need to accept that and strive to improve. he said by always saying we were the greatest it was like we were insisting that we didn't need to improve.  interesting to hear from a different view. one hopes more of those crazy conservatives start to wake up to what they are doing.  the worry is also that the most crazy left will also cause more trouble by taking up the same antics of the crazy right. 

i have said for years one of the issues we have here is that the majority of those who actually participate in our elections are the crazy left or the crazy right which means more and more that is who represents us and in truth the far left and far right are in the minority.  sadly, the more rational out there just often refuse to participate.

such a cute girl, my Ivy Rose. 

i do love my puppy and kitty snuggle time.  especially these past few years. Sunny is super snuggly, which is awesome.  Sunny and Ivy Rose were both sitting down waiting for treats and there was an open spot.  was wishing i had Tusker there sitting with them.  

the hat i had made arrived.  wore it on the Monday walk the other day.  super cute and bright colors. will be a keep sake more than one i wear i'm sure. don't want it getting trashed. 

i had better get these beasts out there walking.  with the weather they were a bit ripped off this week. maybe we'll hit north bivouac...low tide is later as well so the beach may be nice too. 

need to make appointments for him to get groomed and perhaps a swim lesson as well.  wonder if he will enjoy that. 

i know Ivy would.  she hasn't been since her surgery. it's her 6th Birthday on Monday i think. last year was a muted celebration because she had just had surgery.  the plan was to have a bigger celebration with both pups this year....it never occurred to me that Tusker would not be here for his 6th birthday. 

you do hope others happiness.  i don't agree or believe the religion of so many in my family and there just is no way for me to sugar coat that fact. i do understand that the things that bothered me do not necessarily bother others.  there is much that others just move beyond or can ignore that i just never could.  there are also many who do not need to ask the questions as they do not care about the answers.  many just enjoy having that level of involvement in their religion.  i found it overwhelming and toxic but if it works for them...so be it.  i'm just sad for any who would have wanted to leave but didn't out of fear or habit or whatever. 

fear is a powerful thing and life is too short to allow fear to keep you from living the short time we have to the fullest. 

it is a lesson i am always having to remind myself of. to be more powerful than the things that work against us. 

moose in the water...this was at the conservation center.  not too many amazing photos this winter. dying dog and puppy have taken up much of my time and energy.  i better get moving

grateful for a. cooler temps and no rain today.  b. snuggle time with the critters  c. like minded out there