yelling at God....

 

because sometimes it feels like there isn't any regular prayers getting through to God with just praying.  you have to yell...maybe God will listen.  

i feel a lot of anxiety, guilt and depression over the current world events. feels catastrophic but then you remember that terrible times have always existed. thankfully, they have not landed at my feet to the extend that others have had to suffer.  for that i am forever grateful. not sure i would have the strength i see in so many in Ukraine.  standing off the enemies tanks. screaming at enemy soldiers with guns aimed your direction. it feels a bit like survivors guilt i think.  we are just over here living our lives while they are suffering.  they were also living their lives a few weeks ago.

their President was a comedian and now he runs their government. he is frustrated and angry at the other nations for not jumping in and helping them more...that is how praying feels.  it seems people give God credit for answering their prayers when they get lost or can't find their keys but when millions of humans are crying out, begging for God to intervene...God seems otherwise engaged...i guess helping people with much more trivial issues. i'm sure that is how it feels. that he is screaming into a void.  

help is coming but not in the form he wants and not in the way he needs. everyone fears WW3...is it already here? can putin be stopped with other means? how many lives in Ukraine will be lost or tortured as we tip toe around our fear of the worst outcome. i would like to see the US send planes to Poland to replace the planes Poland would send to Ukraine. they need air power.  as for the no fly zone. i do understand there are things we can and can't do right now.  the urge is to help..even the trump supporters often want to intervene...and of course blame the left for all this instead of looking to folks like trump, i mean read the transcripts of the first impeachment!  

no response will be perfect or all Zelenskyy wants and i get that and i ache knowing that.  each day you wake up and look to make sure Zelenskyy hasn't been killed or captured for torture.  they have taken a Mayor...i worry they will torture the poor man and make him "admit" to the lies that putin is spouting all over his tv and that fox news seems to be supporting. i mean those fox news fools are basically giving putin all the propaganda he needs.  he just posts fox news without needing editing...

i also look and hope that putin is dead.  heard of a guy who was checking the front page of the paper in russia each day.  only the front page and then he would  toss the rest of the paper unread. the guy selling papers asked him one day why he only looked at front page and tossed the rest.  he said he was looking for an obituary.  so the guy selling tells him the obituaries are in the middle or back of the paper, not the front page.  the guy said, not the obituary i'm hoping for, it will be on the front page. 

Zelenskyy seems to be losing faith in the NATO that he wanted to join a few months ago.  the thing that probably scared putin into crossing the border and attacking him and his people.  also i believe there is water rights at stake...i read some place that after putin took over crimea, Ukraine turned off the water flowing to there.  water is precious, more and more. we may never know all the thinkings of the mad man putin.  i suspect he, like others like him, got into their bubble, surrounding by those who would never tell them anything they didn't want to hear. this can mean you don't really hear the truth. he was conned in addition by trump, not intentionally, but to get a United States Potus to be a puppet for putin must have just made him totally confident and giddy. things one dreams of if you are a dictator. now that dictator is turning to more and more horrific means to try to turn what he expressed would be easy and wasn't, back in his direction.  in the meantime, he will kill thousands and destroy Ukraine. 

Zelenskyy is not giving up and that is so incredibly brave and heroic..but i fear for him. so many do.  we've come to really like him and his boldness but putin doesn't like being told no. the west hesitates...that frustrates us all.  this is a war  being shown in real time by real people on social media.  

Ukraine is not perfect.  there have been a few situations of racism, which is i guess bound to happen but still always sad to realize. they have also hosted some pretty corrupt leadership in years before Zelenskyy came on scene. it's never good to idolize any public figure. that is a huge issue here with the very much not worthy trump being idolized. he has a cult following.  it's craziness really. so the good 'Ol USA is not perfect. we are not the greatest.  we are a work in progress.  once you call yourself great you can stop trying. that was a lecture i watched one day. 

spent several hours getting Sunny to go through this dog door.  he's totally mastered it now. 

2 nights down.  was a sitter night one and worked picu night two.  

i'm getting back to not feeling anxiety returning to work...but now the anxiety of world war and lives lost in Ukraine has so fully taken over the anxiety part of my brain. 

i took the Element in and got the oil changed.  i asked several times for them to fill the tires but they forgot.  drat.  i also got the cube hooked up. now i need to take the old cable box back.  so i did get a few things accomplished that i set out to do. i got the crates taken down as well.

do need to sit down and do some painting.  i found another collection of rocks i can paint in the back of the Element from an August trek to Homer.  

annoyed at all the trump people bitching about the increasing gas prices.  still much cheaper than what Europe has paid for years...more annoying is the irony.  it's these same people who have repeatedly elected people who refuse to move our nation away from fossil fuel dependency.  the same people who deny any climate issues. if we had made progress in this we would have less to concern ourselves with. 

these are also the same people who scream about their rights to wear a mask or not since it's their body but then don't get that they pass bill after bill trying to tell others what to do with their bodies.  this in the form of attacking women who have or may want to ponder having abortions...even calling ectopic pregnancies abortion and threaten to prosecute those who perform surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy before the ectopic pregnancy bursts and the woman bleeds out. not to mention the trans population. 

i can't say as i totally get it but i can't say that any of us really get any other of us. we are all unique. i've seen kids with both male and female body parts so it really isn't a stretch that folks could be gay or feel detached from the sex they were supposedly born to be. i highly doubt there are any athletes that would purposely cut off their dick to win at womens sports.  most highly competitive men would feel no pride in winning at a womens sport. also, it often has occurred to me that perhaps these folks are here to take care of many of the children that the far right refuse to care for. the babies they insist on being born that can end up in foster care.  our world is a bit over populated...could the earth or even God just decide it may be time to slow the population grown but creating a situation with less actual breeding and more adopting. 

i love that pro choice people go to where the extremists are picketing at clinics and ask them how many kids they've adopted.  none.  they also elect people who claim they care deeply for these fetuses but vote against any help to those kids or the families once those babies take their first  breath...because suddenly the childs predicament is the parents fault and why should the government assist those fools, right? irony is again lost. 

i should be sleeping and soon i will. the street in my neighborhood is a lake at this moment. it's a mess and will be for weeks. 

seems odd to me that putin is looking to other nations to fight his war for him.  there are over 144 billion people in russia.  he pays his soldiers poorly.  word is that those who are pow's will be killed when they return to russia.  if they get injured he won't waste money on field hospitals, they just kill them.  there is a lot of information and mis-information coming out of all this.  i can be fooled as easily as others i guess. but i do feel like in many cases i have been one who questions everything...it's why i left the church i was raised in.  just way too many red flags for me

brains just work differently.  we are programed differently. some are more willing to accept things if they are overall happy or content.  others, questions everything and must have valid answers.  in the church i would often hear, even if the church turns out to not be true i'd still want to raise my family in it.  i always thought that was nuts.  you find out it's all lies and then want your kids to be sucked into those lies. i saw a pattern though.  if things were good all glory to the church, if they were bad it was the parents or the individuals fault.  it make many doubt their own abilities.  made me sad as i saw all my siblings as being very good parents yet they seem to always give that credit to the church. that was a pattern in all areas though. 

the teams are out there.  there have been several that have already scratched.  i haven't looked at the trail news too closely.  

now i'm back to my work stretch. 

covid numbers continue to decrease it seems. our visitation policy increased as i expected it would. haven't heard of new strains yet. hopefully we can at least move forward from that and i'm hoping this war in Ukraine ends with a bullet through putins head 

he would not be missed.  i'll scream that request to God. intervene dammit!!

there is also the international space center...there is one US astronaut up there and putin has threatened to not allow him to return as they use the russian transport. 

fun to watch the teams again down town.  

still lots of pictures to look through from the restart in Willow. 

i wish we could seize the oligarchs assests/buildings and yachts and sell them to send aid and military support to Ukraine. i do fear the worst.  putin will not accept defeat.  unless he is killed he will destroy everything and everyone one he can in Ukraine. over 2 million have left but the population is over 40million i believe. 

the dogs of the Iditarod. 

it breaks my heart too seeing all the people trying to get their pets out with them and also all the pets that will be left behind and so many that have no doubt already died or been killed.  

we hope for a hell but there is no guarantee.  easier to believe that in the next life these evil fools will be dealt with...but we can't know that.  with so many terrible people out there we all need to see some be held accountable for their actions that impact and destroy so many lives.  

is there a God? it gets harder and harder to believe there is.  i have lost respect for a God that would answer trivial calls out and yet ignore genocides and allow such terrible people to kill repeatedly for money and power. 

far too many so called religions have lost their way in the message that Jesus taught.  Jesus would be angry at churches that use his name and then hoard the members tithes. it's disgusting.  

so many in religions believe that these are the signs of the last days. i heard that my whole life and i'm sure during ww1 and ww2 those same things were predicted.  the world hasn't ended and i doubt it will end with this conflict either.  i suspect that many who believe they will rise up while all the non-believers are cast into outer darkness may be shocked by who is cast out and who rises up in these scenario's.  i'm not saying there aren't good people in lousy religions. there are good and bad people in every culture, every religion, every race.  

i really should get to bed. i should get up in a few hours and walk these dogs. 

just needed to yell a bit.  i'm angry as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore...well in truth i probably will continue to take it.  we all do.  we are all free to bitch a bit...at least we still are here, for how long.  seems to depend on the dictator loving gop.  they want thought and mind and speech controlled despite all their bull about freedom. they want a religious state where their beliefs are forced upon all others

i do hope they do not get their way in the end. 

will scream again another day.  peace to you. remember that you still have life and try to live it and be happy in the days you have that are peaceful and joyful.  it's hard when you feel guilt for those who are suffering though. 

thankful for A. melting. B. freedom of speech and freedom to scream  C. that 2 nights are in the past and only one to go.