detached....

 

Birthdays, Birthdays on Holidays don't help with the feelings of detachment. i always try to just plan something to do for myself thus the boat trek and the trek to Homer. it's all good. pretend it's just another day in Alaska. you still are painfully aware that you are alone on your Birthday some times. sometimes the plans end up being with other humans. this time they weren't.

also try to remind myself to just be grateful that i have another Birthday....there are many in Ukraine right now that are not getting that.  there is also a few classrooms of kids who aren't getting that.  apparently there are other mass shootings. so frustrating...and the right say we need more guns, we need more guns. we have more guns than anyone and still more and more get killed. the "pro-life" "sanctity of life" folks won't be happy until everyone is born and ready to be shot. their bull just keeps getting more and more obvious...to everyone but them. 

sorry, a little mini-rant. gosh, why don't people want to hang out with Betsy. could it be my lack of social skills, inability to keep my opinions to myself and charming personality.  i have none of these things by the way.

still, despite the social media Birthday greetings, the Birthday was a bit weak on human interaction.  i was on a boat full of people on a beautiful day and i was detached. i was in Homer and for the most part i had minimal human interaction.  

i have intermittent depression, some anxiety (which increased with covid) and clearly self esteem struggles. so things like Birthdays and Holidays are tough at baseline. self fulfilling i would say.  single folks are rarely invited to the stuff couples are invited to.  i'm  not a family, i don't have a family...what about all those siblings? i learned long ago family in the high demand religion i was raised in seems to  mostly include your spouse, your kids and the people of your ward. i did get a few phone calls. one brother offered a gift.  gifts...well i don't know. don't want to feel like an obligation.  still it is a bummer to have the day pass with none of those things that our society comes to expect.  

i did make myself some birthday cupcakes that evening and i did make a few purchases on line for myself. i guess that is mostly what gift giving becomes as you get older.  do it yourself. 

as kids we got gifts and a family dinner with a cake.  nothing too crazy.  i did get one actual Birthday Party that i can recall.  i was allowed to invite friends over. i was very excited as my Mom never really did this.  high demand religions mean not mixing all that frequently with the gentiles. my besties growing up were never of the same religion.  i'm grateful for that.  i learned a lot. 

my friend M liked to bring me balloons way too  big for me to hide them in my locker. i was forced to bring attention to myself.  so there is this part of you that craves the attention and another part of you that has no clue what to do with that attention if it does come your way.  

my friend MT stopped by my hotel Monday night with a little gift and pizza.  thank you.  that was the extent of this years Birthday. 

Birthdays are just weird and uncomfortable really.  this expectation and desire for some attention, yet a feeling you don't deserve any extra attention, a fuss or just feeling awkward with attention being drawn at you.  i don't know how those really social people do it all. the bottom line is my Birthdays are pretty bungled and awkward and the best i can hope for is to do something fun, try to distract myself from the lack of whatever a Birthday is supposed to be. 

so i guess i survived the Birthday for another year. in a few months the brother above me will have his Birthday and i will be the last of my siblings still in the 50's.  haha. 

detachment is a factor of late though.  i feel like covid impacted social for many of us. if you are introverted at baseline covid isolation felt in some ways comfortable.  as a single it wasn't all that much different in some ways.  still it does feel like now the attachments i did have, have moved on and i am more alone than i was. 

between covid and the political rifts and the obvious religious rifts i already had...the detachment seems to be nearly complete. 

still, i do not regret one moment  walking away from the high demand church i was raised in.  i tried to return my brothers call on Sunday...but then i remembered it's sunday and they are all always so busy on sundays.  i do not regret the freedom, the time, the ability to just be lazy at times. i don't miss the guilt and scare tactics meant to keep you in line. i don't miss the demand for perfection that i was never going to obtain. i don't miss the silly excuses for all the things  that just never made sense. 

it is sad that leaving has meant detachment for several family members.  i can honestly look back and know that i put in effort far beyond anything that was ever returned. when i just stopped, it all just stopped really. there will always be that hope that things could have been different, but it doesn't make me regret leaving.  it really only just makes me happy i did. i don't pity or feel sorry for them for staying.  they have made their happiness in their lives the way they wanted to overall.  

i do feel just a sadness for them.  i feel they missed out on a lot.  many of the exmo families i see out there are so happy to have the free time with their kids, to not be so scheduled with church events and obligations.  i think Birthdays and Holidays are the times i think of the family that should be and isn't and won't be. 

the detachment is beyond the usual at this time though. i know i have to bring myself back. i need to find other humans to interact with more.  i just have gotten too comfortable being detached.  i'm not sure how to change that. not sure how to change this path i'm on of being alone. i never felt like i fit in.  i always felt like i was an outsider. the social stuff is more difficult outside a high demand religion.  if you behave badly, people don't want you in and you won't be invited.  i don't think i have behaved badly, so much, but i think that covid just altered social structures and some people just dropped off.  

i fear that i was one of the easier people to just drop off of social groups. i've mostly been welcome in many groups but never a key figure in any of them. i mean if you are having a larger gathering, add Betsy to the list or don't(there were plenty of lists i never made long before covid).  you need bodies to have a party...no parties with covid though. 

i'm probably more attached to the animals than i would be but i suspect that is because i have less attachments to humans. 

not feeling overly depressed. for me i feel i have bouts of depression, that i call melancholy. they are short.  mostly, it's like my brain goes into overdrive reminding me how unlikable i am, reminding me of all my faults, reminding me that i am not worthy. i can get an idea of how really horrific these thoughts could be if they happened all the time. how could you not fall prey to them. 

with a low self esteem at baseline, it's easier to believe these things.  add a birthday into the mix and your mean brain can really do a number on you. 

these dogs are super wiped out. i am too.  anytime i am in Homer i just go from beach to beach and walk to walk.  i average 10 miles/day easily. sometimes i think it would be great to live there, but besides the beaches and walking there is not much that i end up doing. not that i would mind living down there. i do like a smaller community.  

Covid Cat was free again while we were down there. i have gotten a bit of grooming in with him and with Sunny. they both like to be brushed, so does Ivy. Covi had some small knots from the cottonwood stickers.  Sunny also had some small knots i needed to work on.  he does great with a little bit of peanut butter as distraction.  one night i just settled on the floor and brushed him awhile. then he looked so cute and fluffy we went for a walk, this time up and down the spit walk/bike path. i'd never really done this with the dogs.  it's busy with traffic.  it actually went really well. 

the lupine is really popping out. love the lupine. this place is magical.  every week you can walk in the same place and see totally different things .

camping in Valdez above .

the rest are from this February.  

safe travels to and from Homer. didn't stop much headed down as once i hit the coast the fog came in and it was more cold and windy. once i had the clothes out i was good to go. we did hit the dog park and Portage break spot as well as Quartz Creek for a walk.  everything was busy because it was the holiday.  thankfully, Homer was not very crowded for me...missing the main part of the weekend was great. 

there were a few accidents out there over the holiday.  turns out a few Providence employees were involved, one lost their life. the other is improving, thankful for that, obviously sad for the nurse who passed away.  from the reports some bystanders that were on scene helped save lives. head on...not their fault. far too many drive like maniacs.  always in a hurry. 

i brought food, my friend got me that pizza and otherwise i just made sandwiches and salads and snacked. there are a few new places i don't recall seeing before. may have to check them out next time i head south.  boat yard cafe and Wild Honey Bistro right by the driftwood. 

still some snow out there. the higher areas are greening up super fast though. 

back to work tomorrow night, better flip my calendars over. it's June now. 

my retirement is taking a hit. don't like that....i was getting attached to the idea of retiring.  

haven't gotten as many Ukraine updates...the news has moved on a bit to Roe Vs Wade and mass shootings of children.  it's all valid.  it just can be sad news overload at times though. you have to step away a bit or add to your depression. some things are probably best to detach from at times. there is only so much individuals can impact in the big picture. 

i'll have to try and learn from those sea stars i love so much.  they lose limbs and just grow new ones.  

i'm sure detachment has often been a source of survival.  protection. more so with covid.  has the increased death and concerns of death also caused detachment? do we as nurses detach emotionally at times because we just got overwhelmed by what was happening and we felt powerless in it all. many are just in it for the money at this point. looking for contracts. it is tempting to just follow the money.  i knew it when being a nurse mattered for other reasons. have seen a lot of death over the years so i know i had to detach or get too sucked in emotionally. 

the Birthday of nothing is over. 

my first year of college. a roommate had a Birthday a week before mine.  we did it up for her Birthday. when my Birthday came, nothing.  they totally ignored/forgot about it.  my Mom had even sent me a Birthday Party in a box.  it went unused. 

Sunny got some training on leaving poor Ivy. a few times he found other dogs to chase and then Ivy could chase her tennis ball without having a large puppy hanging off of her. we do use the leave it command a lot. he was doing better by today. there is hope. i suspect he will grow out of it a bit.  i don't want it to become a big habit though, nor do i want him to learn to wrestle other dogs out there.  that could turn out to be disastrous. 

have gotten some unpacking done.  tossed the blankets in the laundry.  

tomorrow i will probably use as a recovery day from all the driving/walking.  

look how short his legs were a few months ago. he's 8 months old now.

they are all in the office here with me, sleeping.  it's super sweet. 

the cats are both on the dog bed and the dogs are on the floor.

i have a sore throat tonight and a stuffed nose...hmm.  

i did work a week of peds last week.  they got all the bugs. will hope that a night of rest will improve this. 

obstacles before his legs got longer.

a rock i painted and left. i only left one out there this stretch off.  gotta be in the right mood. i don't think i was. 

thankful for: A. safe travels to/from my destinations B. beautiful scenery and wildlife to distract me. C. the pets that i am attached to.  D. the hope of this era of detachment coming to an end.