pre-trip jitters

 

i love my little cozy life with the dogs and cats and it takes a lot to get me out of my comfort zone.  especially after a few years of covid and no jets. 

excited to see several family members, others, less so. it feels oddly like i'll be attending a funeral in some ways.  like i'm mourning the family i have in my head.  some of these people i will never see again and/or hear much from ever again.  perhaps just the obligatory holiday card. 

i feel calm about that part. covid just made clear that some people are only capable of so much or these relationships are only as deep as people want them to be and for many that just isn't all that deep. everything in many of their lives starts and ends with the religion. for as much as the church touts family, the family is always secondary to the church. 

i still need to get packing and things ready for the pet sitter. once i'm on the plane and they close the doors, it's out of my hands. what i have done to prepare or what i've packed...it's just what it is.  if you don't have what you need you buy it. if the plane crashes you die. i'm sure i'll enjoy being there. i just hate the prep to getting places. the actual travel. 

once i'm at the place i'm going i can let go of the anxiety of travel. i haven't been on a plane since covid hit though. many of us are just starting to get more comfortable getting out there. 

look at those short legs....so tall now. 

Monday was a grooming day. then i had a vet appointment for Ivy and Covi.  i had them take Sunny in for a weight check.  he's 57 pounds now. this will be the first time i've left him.  love the light in his tail. still a few mats to get out.  he has a few in his tail. 

today i got them walked and spotted a few mushrooms.  it's about that time. 

i then went to the UPS store to get a new version of a will notorized. the Dr that passed suddenly and a pending trip made me want to get a basic will out there. all the pets from the one i wrote before the polar bear trip to churchill have passed on.  mostly i just want the animals covered. 

worked 3 on, 1 off, 2 on. this week i was in ICU and then PICU. last week i think i was ICU/PICU and CICU. funny how i can never really remember. it all blends together in some ways.

we had an honor walk for a Dr who passed suddenly.  he was fairly young and his wife had just had their second baby. i'm not a crier but i have teared up several times about this MD that i really didn't know very well. life is short. too short to waste it on silly things.  if people don't like you or want to be in your life, move on. i do feel i've wasted far too much time and energy on people who didn't bother wasting much time or energy on me...then feeling guilty that everything i was doing was never enough. 

in the culture i was raised in...it really was never enough.  you are never good enough, never perfect enough.  it all just felt like such trickery. God forbid anyone figure out you don't have it all together. spiritual giants. 

i'm trying to learn to be kinder to self. to accept self.  to not feel guilt for wasting time or not doing what i "should" be doing. what should any of us be doing anyway? 

no religion has the corner on happiness. we all deserve to find our own peace and happiness in this life.  we all can.  that comes in many forms.  i love lazy days just chilling with these critters.  walks in the woods.  rain or shine. we are finally getting some rain.  i got to the dog park yesterday. not many out there.  a guy got out of the car the same time i did so we ended up just walking together. we must both be somewhat introverted. i think we barely spoke or made eye contact. we both seemed happy to just walk with someone and that our dogs were happy. we did eventually speak some and made eye contact 

why can't encounters with people i grew up with go as easily and comfortably as an encounter with a total stranger. no expectations...expectations are the worst. 

as i look at these photo's on my sweet Tusker. I am spending less time thinking he will turn up and we will be reunited.  i guess that may mean i'm healing a bit and accepting his loss more. 

i also cared for a young patient who had a sudden life altering event.  sometimes it can be very difficult to find encouraging words.  some situations are as the patient wrote out on a letter board to me, "soul crushing". 

like the Dr we lost, this young patient is that reminder we get so often in this line of work.  life is short and no day is promised.  life each day, notice the sweet, simple things.  keep the people in your life that want to be in your life, that see you and know you and still want you there. walk away from others, make peace with letting go of things and people. 

some people are just in our lives for a time.  embrace the memories of that time and move past those relationships if it is the best way forward. 

these are from Talkeetna last summer.  i rented a cabin for a few nights. it was a nice place. i'd for sure go there again. 

cute one of the paws. Ivy and Covi

there is a new boat captain looking for a boat to take others out to Round Island. he lives in Togiak. that would be awesome to have another option.  

cleaned a bit in the Kitchen today. picked up dog poop in the yard.  the to do list for tomorrow will be fairly long, but then maybe not that long. 

i feel detached from things some days more than others. it's a coping mechanism i think. easier to detach emotionally. 

laundry...i like to return home from a trip to fresh sheets. this is a pretty short trip so hopefully, the house and yard won't get too much dog build up.  

and hopefully, Sunny isn't coated with mats.  i do brush him every day. 

it's gonna be hot, hot, hot in Utah.  i melt in heat now. i'm so not adapted to heat at this point. that part could be miserable. 

hopefully there will be just some sitting around water and laughing and talking. 

this just happened with the water bowl.

grass eaters.

this is the Talkeetna cabin

his collars are staying on now. he and Sunny are still working out their relationship. 

a few wildflowers. 

i will have time to write a blog with all the tales of this reunion when i return. hopefully, it will be filled with no drama and just fun tales of connections. then, i'll see about fun stuff to do with the dogs to make them forget i left them for several days. 

they do forgive you pretty quickly for leaving as long as you return. 

wild iris by a float

snuggle time.  will we get to this again...? i hope so. 

the puppy just has to get past the puppy stage and he will gain more mature relationships with the cats, haha. 

the lupine are mostly gone to seed now. the fireweed is getting closer to reaching it's peak.  

august may be wet. the mushrooms will like that.  and i'll like that the mushrooms like that. 

well, good night.  better crash so i can get cracking on packing in the morning. 

thankful for A. an opportunity to get with family and see what is there live and in person B. a life here that makes me happy and i look forward to returning to before i even leave. C. each day that i am gifted with health and the ability to enjoy all the beauty of this earth.  D...bonus...living in the here and now and no longer living for the afterlife. life shouldn't be spent dreading the next life and judgement and hell and all that. i'm a decent person, i am a work in progress, but i do strive to be better, kinder, accepting and embrace others. ultimately that is all any God i would believe in could ask of us.