the usual guilt....

 

it comes from calling out.  so the boob injury got worse.  it's not a big deal really. just that all the muscles under the boob and wrapping around to the back of my chest totally decided to tighten up in mass. making any movement, including breathing unbearable. 

walking is how i gauge how my body is.  it's something i do nearly daily so i could barely move around the house or turn over in bed yesterday so i called out.  i did end up taking a leashed neighborhood walk later in the afternoon. ibuprofen, icy hot and muscle relaxers...i recall one MD telling me i could work on muscle relaxers...maybe that guy can but my brain is foggy.  i could probably work if my job was a grocery bagger or some other job that didn't require an acute brain. 

i needed a major breast massage, but normal massage therapists are not going to massage your breast...that would be a sex worker that i'd need to hire.  having never done that and knowing that if i tried to arrange a massage...it wouldn't happen for several weeks probably. 

so i have spend much of the last 24 hours stretching and massaging and taking multiple medications.  it is helping a great deal.  i can walk.  of course, on my walk at the dog park today i spent much of it on the back trails stretching or with my arm over the top of my head or behind my back or my fist thrust firmly into my left breast. so i called out again because i don't think i can do my job with my arm positioned these ways.  so i am for sure a lot closer to feeling normal enough to work tonight but still feel another night of muscle relaxants, stretching and massage will get me in a much better place.  the plan is to return to work for the holiday.  they have a hard time finding anyone for those days anyway.  a much worse time to be off sick. with this much improvement in 24 hours, another 24 hours should get me near normal.  

still i always feel guilty calling off. i have done it to much i'm sure and i know there will be a write up and a discussion.  i started to fill out the paperwork for a revolving fmla.  of course, this is neither migraine or bronchitis related so it wouldn't have helped and i am not a person who can lie.  i think that is why i stopped that process. i mean if i can cancer or if i'd gotten covid and had residual respiratory illness i'd be all for it.  otherwise, for me, it just feels a bit dishonest and i don't think i could pull it off. 

i do feel a bit better as just sitting here typing is already starting to tax my chest muscles. it's not chest pain, it's breast pain.  i'm wearing a tight sports bra...that helps a bit as well. ridiculous. what an embarrassing injury. 

the other day i put Christmas away. not the Skelly's yet but the tree and all that.  cleaned out the closet.  may have contributed to the increased muscle spasms now that i ponder that. 

i don't think they will fire me for my absences.  i guess i figure if they do, it was because they wanted to fire me anyway.  that is how that works.  stuff like this is just a way to get rid of people you really want to get rid of. i don't think i'm a terrible employee overall so i doubt they have it out for me.  if they do, well it was meant to happen and i'm a where one door closes more open sort of thinker. my mid management team is overall supportive of me personally i believe. they do not like having to go over my sick day numbers with me. that is probably what makes me feel the most guilty.  my call out will cause them to have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. 

i have never called out just because i wanted to go on vacation or wanted more days off and i have heard many who openly just plan on calling out to extend their vacation days.  again, honestly, to a fault is how i was raised really. 

it did feel good to clear out the closet and vacuum it before loading it with the Christmas stuff. i even tossed all these cassette tapes.  they have just moved place to place with me for years and i finally just tossed them.  i also grabbed out a bag full of old Nat Geo's. i'll slowly put those in the little free library out front.  i also put the skate ski's on marketplace.  people tend to be pretty flaky on that though.  all these responses but then nobody really follows through. 

i have been pretty brain dead the last 24 hours. just games on the phone and big bang mostly.  that is what even a half dose of muscle relaxants does to me. 

a decorator crab and a sea urchin above.  love those tide pools out in Homer. 

i had looked at the low tides for next year.  will have to plan for some treks down there.  the rooms fill up faster these days so i will actually have to plan ahead.  

i like to do things with the dogs.  they are my constant companions.  i suspect covid changed a bit of that.  i also have some family planning a visit in July so will have to find some fun stuff to do then.  another plan is to head to Yakutat for a long weekend.  start checking out new places or visiting other cool places again. there are some amazing things up here and seeing things over and over always will give a new perspective depending on the week you go or the weather. 

my friend CR was with me for this trek to Homer. 

i did catch a few good low tides last year and the year before.  i'm addicted to these intertidal zones. 

i see another of my contacts at Fish and Game is retiring.  i need to get in contact with the one guy who took over for Ed and also REI and see if we can do a lecture.  i also need to see if anyone is out there that wants to join the board.  one board member is moving out of state so he will have to be replaced. would love some fresh, excited blood.  initially, i needed names to get it started.  would love to find some who would be willing to take over the main responsibility eventually. it was never my hope to do this for decades.  just to get it started and then turn it over to someone who is much more talented and enthusiastic. been doing the basics since 2014/2015 when i got it started and got the non-profit status.

i'm not the greatest activist. 

these are from this month.  look at all that beautiful snow

these are from the week when we just kept getting major dumps of snow. 

the place looked the same every day it seems no matter how much i shoveled. 

the road crew was out the other morning and so my road is wide again.  my road always done pretty early.  not sure if there is a crew member who lives here or has a grandma who lives here or if they just start from the Muldoon and work their way west.  

the dogs quite enjoyed all the snow. 

they are a pretty happy crew. 

there was a pit bull that attacked a woman at North Bivouac early in December. i just heard about it. the dog was loose and had no owners seen.  so she was on her own out there. it attacked her dog and then her as she was saving her dog.  i wonder if the pit was dumped out there.  i have been there since this attack happened, not knowing about it.  after that dump after dump of snow plus the drop in temperatures i suspect that dog would not have survived out there really. animal control hadn't found the dog.  

love this picture above. his cute ears flopping. Ivy running from behind.  just such happy pups. i am always worried about some horrific attack like this woman endured. there are breeds of dogs that just make me more anxious. i know that upsets some folks that certain breeds are selected out as more likely to do harm.  

there are breeds that can do a greater amount of damage than other breeds.  i'd be less anxious if it was a loose chihuahua attacking my dog than a pit bull or german shepherd. i think certain humans lean towards certain breeds which end up making it a self fulfilling prophecy. 

i'm sure it's not a popular view but i feel there are many really good tempered dogs out there and i'd rather we put our efforts into saving those lives and rehoming those than dogs that have already shown themselves to have temperment issues. some dogs are just going to be liabilities no matter how much one person trains them.  i'd rather not risk a person or another sweet pup/cat getting attacked and killed.  often the people who adopt these rehabilitated dogs are not really capable of managing them. i'm also really not that keen on these dogs being kept alive only to exist in cages in a no kill situation. that doesn't seem fair either. again, money better spent on dogs that will be able to live in homes. 

i keep getting up to check the sunset.  nice and pink.  of course, i feel less pain but i feel very drunk. 

we had some wind so many of the trees lost their heavy snow loads. 

still really beautiful out there. 

this kitty cat was a little sad i think that i pulled down his tree.  he was really enjoying life under the tree.  safe from the puppy's reach. 

coated in snow!

another day of shoveling ahead of me as you can see above.  funny, the pile hasn't gotten high on the sides of the driveway either.

nice pinks out there this day as well.  

and the fog rising from the water. 

anyone at the beach right now is getting a great show. its super pink over that way.  

this pile is well over the top of the little free library now. i do think i have shoveled out the door. you can get to the library from the side. 

this pile is above the fence line as well. 

this was the first morning of snow. those are my foot steps coming in after i returned from work.  the snow was up to the car door so i just plunged into the deep snow

pictures don't really do justice i guess. of course, after seeing the horrific ice all over Seattle and Portland and the huge drifts in Buffalo, our little snow seems like no big deal. 

still so beautiful.  the snow still makes me happy. it was a lot of work digging out that week though.  i can see how some just get trapped inside for weeks after these sort of a dumping unless some friendly neighbors dig them out. 

love the fog and colors of this shot below

the pups happily played in all the snow as i dug.  Tusker used to fight the shovel so he'd make the job more of a challenge, though more hilarious.  silly pups. 

these guys just chased and wrestled. 

thankful for A. less pain finally, it's been an exhausting few days. always makes me have more sympathy for folks who have chronic pain issues.  B. beautiful days in the 20 degree range.  so comfy C. when good people win. go Greta!!  :-)