Merry Christmas....and Happy Solstice.

 

a perfect chill holiday at this end. as a single loner sort of person. i always hope for invites but also love my alone time. well, dog time. above is a favorite from the holiday season. lots of snow these past few weeks. so, lots of exercise shoveling that snow out. 

i have to dig out the element again.  i suspect with the drop in temperatures the battery will be dead. i'll have to deal with that as well. i do have AAA again so i can always have them come out if i can't get it to turn over. i have a little portable charger. just depends on how much is left in the battery. 

still have the other car to drive around and take dogs to trails.  the trails are thin again.  like walking on a foot wide balance beam. if you step out of line you may drop in 2+ feet. it's exhausting walking in that deep snow.  have worn snow shoes a few times, easier. don't get the distance i often do in the winter but still getting good work out walking. 

have done less elevation these past few years. probably several factors. lazy and bad knees must be included on the list.  the past two summers have had many rain days.  hiking up to not have the views is a bit sad.  Ivy has bad knees and so i don't like to strain her more than i should. 

just takes me longer for sure. i tend to be walking alone a lot more lately as well. more risk in being out there on your own so i am sure i take more of a cautious walking route when i am alone. gas prices were a bit wild for a bit as well. so you would have to consider if you wanted to pay $50 for a hike or just hike local and save that money.  in the end, the dogs really don't care where we go. they just like to get out. i suspect the cats really appreciate their dog free time as well.

we got pretty lucky weather wise when this crew was here.  :-) 

the dogs had a blast opening their gifts yesterday.  i had a blast watching them open their gifts. many photos were taken.  much laughter on my part. 

i still have some anxiety.  part of it does seem to be a twinge of agoraphobia, social phobias.  home is a comfy spot for me. i think being around so much death makes you fret about your own end.  the truth, we all learn in medicine, is your time will come when it comes.  you can fret about it all you want, it will come or not come. you can be the healthiest, eat the best, exercise, but shit happens and it's best to not live a life planning on extending your life or crazily risking your life. just live your life and accept what comes. it's so easy to fret about things that may or may not ever happen and harder sometimes to just live and forget it all. 

i could die tomorrow or i could die at 100. you just can't really know.  i suspect all the thoughts of retirement and trying to predict your future gets you thinking too much about it all. make good choices and then allow yourself the space and freedom to just live with some level of abandon. 

don't waste too much time worrying what others are thinking about you and your life. mostly, people aren't thinking about you and your life.  they are too busy fretting about their own crap. maybe if they do sit in judgement of you it's because they have miserable lives and are just distracting themselves by trying to make others look worse. 

so often in the past it felt like anything bad that happened would be blamed or assumed to be a direct result of me leaving that "one and only true church".  the truth to that though is that nobody has perfect lives, or i've never met one.  people pretend they do, they can act like they do, but we all have good and bad things happen. can you imagine if anytime a christian lost a child or got sick or lost a job,  we said, gosh, it must be because you stayed in church. you picked the wrong church, the wrong religion, if you had done this or hadn't done that....but that was my life early adulthood.  this revolving guilt/fear. 

one of our doctors lost his wife this week and one of the family dogs.  our lakes and rivers freeze but there can always be open areas. on rivers if you fall in you are mostly immediately swept away and stuck under the ice. i hope the cold got her before the drowning did. i really just feel horrible for them.  it would be next to impossible to watch a beloved dog go into the river and not react to try and save it. they both went in but he was able to get out.  he works ER and he is always great to work with. they have 4 sons. her body has not been found, that just adds to the pain of it all for them i'm sure. 

we do have snow machines do the same invariably each year.  these things happen and near misses happen. a co-worker that now lives in Homer lost a young dog to the same river, the Eagle River, several years back. she also went in to try and rescue the dog, but thankfully, she was able to rescue herself, not the dog though. it was so devastating for her. i can't imagine what this woman's family is going through. just tragic. 

i sent off texts to my siblings Christmas Day and then just left it. in the past i would try to call them, overanalyze it all to much,  now i'm more just leave it in their hands, keep my distance. still giving family peace as i can. 

did have a few conversations, they called. in one the church came up, they brought it up. can't really recall how it went.  always so strange. they mentioned Joseph Smith, the founder of the church, was probably more like a hippy who was in to free love. i suspect the comment was meant to prevent a real conversation and cut it off. if not that church is really jumping through hoops to normalize the reality of a conman who practiced polygamy.  in truth referring to polygamy as free love is kind of offensive. free love is a choice by both or all parties...whereas polygamy is based on manipulation, coercion and often underage girls. hippies may reject conventional values but they also tend to utilize mushrooms and marijuana and such. 

there really is no way to pretty up the history of the church and though as my family seems to infer they are trying to weed through all the social norms and rules and make some changes to make themselves more palatable to the next generation...history has a sticky way of following you.  in truth people rarely leave what is comfortable for them no matter how many facts they discover. this is why many stick with the church and refer to themselves as nuanced. an attempt really to gloss over the deeply flawed history and strangeness of the past. 

it was clear that one of those changes would not be the acceptance of gays. although, if the mormon church's history is any indication...the church tends to have convenient revelations that coincide with the social norms. i suspect many mormons of the day were upset when the church stopped practicing polygamy in order to become a state...some so upset they broke off with the main church. some moved to Mexico. 

i also suspect many mormons were upset when the church succumbed to the civil rights movement and had another revelation about blacks being able to hold the priesthood. one day they will accept gay marriage perhaps and upset more long term members. the problem often is that things that you fight for or against today may just be unimportant another day. 

they are apparently getting less critical of many things, piercings, tattoo's, not having to wear a dress to church...these are the non-doctrine items they are supposedly working to relax on. what about all those people who were made to feel like horrible, sinful people because they didn't follow all the rules...oh well, get over it i guess.  we went another way this week. 

i used to believe that the continued revelation stuff was brilliant, the older i get and the more i see the major flaws in it all,  the more i see it's really a trap.  why would an all knowing God keep changing his mind on this stuff.  it's baffling

i always found it baffling that a God would concern himself with most of what many out there assume he does...seems incredibly arrogant to believe Santa or God is watching your every move, of course, the Santa part goes away pretty young.  omg, you had a glass of wine, coffee, soda, sex. you weren't wearing the sacred underwear, you wore pants to relief society. i always found that with so many horrific things occurring worldwide, let alone in the universe, should an all powerful God be wasting time on what i'm eating, drinking or wearing for underwear?

it's a scam and Smith was a conman...more like mark hoffman than a hippy.

those early leaders were not into free love they were perverted and used women and girls for their own pleasure...with no regard for the woman/girl's needs or wants. 

no jury duty so far.  i'm good for tomorrow.  then i head back to work thursday. i'll have to call about jury duty first though. 

i still have a few presents to get out to local friends...

drove through lake Hood, there was a plane all decked out in lights. looked really cool sitting out there. 

watched a few classic Christmas shows, still watching some of Friends episodes.  my little portable dvd player is about dead. i have another on order. 

when i drive around mid town i look around for photographers and a sign of the white raven. he's all the rage these days. no sightings for me yet. don't want to risk a car wreck in my search and it always seems busy in that area. 

may head over and look at a huge snowman. the family that made it in the past took a 10 year break...the city wasn't happy with the crowds i think. been great years for making a giant snowman though. should be well over 10 feet. 

the puppies and kitties keep me very grounded and happy. 

work is work.  i suspect when i'm ready for the big change i will just take action.  i'm slow to action and then i just do it. need to put in some blocks of vacation time for the summer. nothing huge planned. have wanted to check out Yakutat, so perhaps i will look into that. i did look at the low tides and marked them so i'll look at the calendar tomorrow perhaps and start making some plans for that. 

went to see the lights at Kincaid and at the Botanical Gardens. always fun.  

also met up with some friends from out of town for a few meals. great to catch up. 

some phone chats with friends as well. 

tomorrow i really should try and start putting Christmas away. we will start to be adding light soon.  

we have passed the shortest day.  this place is always changing. 

i'd gotten matching pajamas for me and the dogs. lol. Ivy was not at all happy.  she runs from the harness.  she was excited today since it was like 2 degrees out there and the clasp for her seat belt was frozen...she snuck up to the front seat.  she looked pretty proud of herself. all i could do was laugh.  she is the sweetest.  

i ended up staying in bed super late Christmas morning.  apparently, Sunny Boys gift to me was a lovely snuggle session. couldn't say no to that. 

no big gifts though i do think this old computer is getting on it's last leg...may need to back up everything and transfer it to a new computer at some point. 

well, i guess i should get some bedtime snacks and hit the hay. 

grateful for A. puppy companions and Christmas snuggles.  B. friends who get me and accept me and watch out for me. C. each and every day i get to be on this planet living this life.  it's not perfect but it's a lot of fun!

Early morning ramblings...

 

woke up early. looked like emergency lights coming down the road, but it was just a guy plowing driveways. a little reminder, as if i needed more, that it's time to change careers. felt a twinge of anxiety with the idea of an emergency vehicle on the street. 

i have been watching "young sheldon" this past few weeks. in a few episodes a physicist professor takes a job in a grocery store. he enjoys it. 

a change in scenery can be good for all of us. a break in what has been our normal can help us see the world differently. i'm having the internal debates that come prior to a major change for me. i'm told not everyone has a constant internal conversation...is this true? hard for me to imagine. my brain is constantly having a discussion...of course, my brain is unable to pull up images of things so we all have different life experiences apparently based on how our brain functions.  my brain discusses, other brains imagines things through images. this is why i blog...it helps me externalize the internal. as you can see from the ramblings on many of these blog posts...it's crazy town in there sometimes. 

i'm for sure leaning towards retiring this next year from my current job.  getting private insurance and taking part time jobs. there are options. well, i hope there are anyway. my age may prevent some things. some places won't want to pay me what i've been getting paid. i could take some bursts of travel assignments locally. i could work part time at a surgical center or urgent care. these would be different enough to satisfy my brains need but also bring in some money.  there are some outstanding debts that would benefit from a little boost in salary. that would set me up in a better position for when i actually fully retire. 

need to make some to do lists and pro/con lists....that is how people with constant internal dialog function i think. the internal discussion must happen. i must test out options and get comfortable with it all.  change is never easy. i have gone through a multitude of major changes though.  it's always stressful and scary but in the end i get there.

it also means i will bring up stuff with other people to see how it feels...as a person living alone and making all the decisions alone, it is helpful to get input.  of course, sometimes the input you get is not what you expect.  one recent discussion turned into a kind of badgering session.  with me feeling grilled about things. at some point i just decided it was getting too negative.  old me would have never said anything, current me did. i just said that perhaps we could find a way to be more positive and supportive. 

sometimes people aren't really asking for a grilling, they are looking for support. 

there are a lot of signs that i am nearing the end of this experience with this job.it is nice to have options even if they are scary.  i think many who worked the bedside through covid are feeling under appreciated and burned out.  i got a glass award to commemorate my over 20 years at this hospital. it felt small and made me feel small. honestly, i don't think i expected much more, never thought about it really. for me it was just a recyclable item.  what am i supposed to do with it. put it on my mantle? i'm just as recyclable as this award though. they want a newer cheaper model of nurse. i cost them too much and the bottom line for hospitals in this country is the money. experience may matter to patients and their families but it only takes away from the bottom line in a capitalist society. it's pretty sad/disgusting that our healthcare is so dictated by financial gains. patients are just money to those in the big, fancy offices. 

our society as a whole has gotten to this point.  the major flaws in capitalism. extreme wealth becomes immoral. there really is no way around that. anyone who collects money and then hoards it becomes a flawed individual. any corporation/religion/non-profit that hoards money is flawed.  greed, as one of the deadly sins, is destroying so much around us. 

i have been hearing the Humane Society is possibly the newest member of this list.  things start with good intentions but then the more money they acquire the more greedy they become. many huge non-profits have been caught up in this. with ceo's making a sick amount of money and a small percentage of the donations being used to actually help the cause they intitially were fighting for. 

this is one of the things about religion that has been frustrating for me.  i've read the new testament and the supposed words of Jesus and this figure, whether real or fictional, seems to have been very against religion for profit and instead believed in using extra wealth to help those less fortunate. 

sadly, most have succumbed to greed.  they have a no taxation perk and so that has led to many taking advantage of this. 

i was text bombed with giving machine stuff.  i've kept fairly quiet. i know there are benefits to this collection of money to many non-profits out there.  there is a lot i'm not very sure of with it all. mostly, it's that the church has had a very bad history of not being transparent or honest with their finances. 

this is a multibillion dollar organization that takes in 10% of their own members salaries, no matter their age or financial ability.  i was "shaken down" as a mere child over whether or not i'd paid a full tithe by Bishops at our annual meetings(tithing settlement).  we were asked by an authority figure if we'd paid a full tithe. as a kid it scared me. i had no idea if i was being fully truthful in that meeting. what kid itemizes every dime they make ironing or pulling weeds? 

what do they do with this money they collect...they buy land and invest and hoard it. a very small percentage has gone to noble causes over the years. more lately because there has been a lot of push back. the church is one of the largest land owners and wealthiest churches out there. they build huge expensive temples, millions of dollars spent, for buildings that are mostly empty...just like those scientologists (they also build more and more mostly empty buildings as a tax shelter really).  they do more for dead people than live ones...then these giving machines show up...they could just donate to causes, but instead they want others to give and for them to get credit. 

as usual, it's difficult to find facts about how this all works. supposedly all the money goes to the non-profits...i believe all the money is funneled through a church account though.  do they take credit for these donations as their own in the big picture..when you itemize for your taxes, who are you really donating to.  the small print says the church ultimately has discretion on the final division....that if you purchase a donation for a goat it may not really be a goat. does the church get to collect all the interest incurred from this. i imagine that interest goes back into all the advertising the church is doing for these machines.  it's a huge PR boon for them as well. 

my understanding is that this is not for proselytizing, but they do station elders at the machines....like they stationed elders outside the controversial play, "book of mormon". in my experience this church always benefits so my lack of trust in their goals on this are merited. 

i don't know all the details, when i ask, nobody seems to. i just know their history. it's not a great one.  i also know that the Jesus of the New Testament would never have believed his messages of kindness, love and giving would have ended up being a reality of churches that hoard money and do little for the poor. it's shocking really. read his supposed words and then see the reality of so many of these churches. there is so much money in these churches that the homeless and hungry should be cared for and the children should all have homes.  instead, they act out a role that none of them  actually act upon. the giving is very limited and the hoarding and lavishness is extreme. 

as i said, it's immoral.  

so many Christians i know do not want the federal government helping with welfare services because they believe churches should be the ones doing this not governments...of course, these are the same ones who belong to churches that spend that money to build malls and lavish life styles for pastors. in the past, the pastors or clergy of most religions were somewhat impoverished, humble servants. this is not the case in most situations now. the mormons put the apostles on boards of companies, the evangelicals live in mansions and buy yachts. 

we are headed for a breaking point, once again. it seems to happen over and over in society.  the haves and the have nots can't be this far apart on the spectrum before rebellion happens. 

in some nations religions are not granted tax free status.  that is apparently true in Australia.  the church got around this by creating a non-profit organization there for their members to donate to.  this has not gone over well with the government in Australia and last i heard they are taking action. 

anyway, life is going well at my end. my entire stretch was in Peds and PICU this last run. one patient nearly extubated...removed their breathing tube.  this is not totally uncommon...but for me, at this moment i have a perfect record. as i was flying across the room to save the tube from being pulled screaming "shit" repeatedly as i ran, i thought it may be time to move away from the madness of this job with my perfect record intact. 

the faces i work with do change over the years.  i've met so many amazing people.  it's been a great career overall even though at times i'm hit with the realization that the people in the big offices do not view me as anything more than a cog in the wheel. my patients, their families and my co-workers have appreciated me. have valued me and i need to focus on that aspect.  i also need to start to move forward with life and the years i have left and decrease the stress levels. 

i have done enough for humanity in this aspect of life. sure i was getting paid but i can do the bare minimum for what i'm paid or i can go the extra mile with no benefit to myself financially. that has been the benefit for me personally. knowing i made a difference in so many lives in the smallest way sometimes but also in a huge way for those individuals. kindness is not compensated by financial gains. kindness is compensated in fulfillment. 

this work has been stressful and anxiety inducing but it's also granted me the reward of understanding.  none of us is better than the other.  we all have things that go well in life and things that don't go well. my work makes me grateful for the health that i do have as i see so many others who struggle with health, oftentimes from childhood. 

have i done enough for my fellow man, never. very few do really. we all want our creature comforts and our own stuff. 

life is a balancing act.  we give some and we take some. we need to be careful who we give our money to, to do the giving for us. oftentimes they are not deserving of our trust. many churches and other non-profits are doing more to benefit themselves than the causes they claim to be fighting for. the bigger any thing gets the more difficult it can be for them to remain true to who they once were. money does some terrible stuff to those who gain access to it. years ago i donated to the Sierra club but at some point i got so many mailings from them it was obvious they were spending more to get more than on the initial goal stated. 

we all should try to be aware when we donate money that the recipient of our donations are actually getting a fair percentage of the donation.  i run a very small non-profit. we are there as a friends group to advocate mostly at this point. my goal is just to have enough money to be able to exist. eventually perhaps to purchase a few items to help the island with expenses. i advocate for walrus. i spend my own money at times, i take no salary. did my family donate to this cause, few did. one apparently wrote a check then ripped it up because i'm too political. they are political as well, but it's just that they don't like my politics really. not that i'm political. 

i came to understand more that the walrus i advocate for are one of those species that is going to be impacted sooner rather than later by climate change so that makes them, by definition, political to some. 

fun times with my nieces this summer. enjoying all these photo's.  just happy memories. 

Alaska is a beautiful place and i enjoy sharing it. you get excited all over again every time you get to share it with others.

i'm so happy that life brought me here. happy i took the risks in life that got me here. thrilled that i didn't buckle to anxiety and fear.  as i've said, change is scary, but ultimately, change is how we grow and get a fuller experience in this life 

better eat something and then take a late morning nap. we have short days now. solstice is fast approaching.  time to plan next summers adventures.

hopefully, i get myself out there more this year. haven't done as much traveling as years past.  missed my annual big treks due to covid. happy to be putting the pandemic behind me. 

homer sunset

ice floes

leaving some ashes behind...i don't always do it but it is nice to take my dogs of the past on adventures and leave them to it. 

went to the UAA craft fair yesterday.  mushrooms are pretty popular with artists right now. a few walrus out there as well.  i also was able to get a necklace dropped off with an artist for repair. one contact incorporates walrus in their art. she was willing to donate items. 

i have sent a email to someone from REI to see if we can start the process of getting that lecture done this year. hopefully, i hear from her and can get that arranged. get some visitors out there. will need to work with fish and game. 

love the old boats in coastal towns. 

these swings are always fun

and the lupine was nuts this summer when we arrived in Homer

beautiful sunset walk. 

these memories will sustain me for ages 

grateful to have some amazing people in my life. 

grateful for a. the lights out there in the darkness of winter b. having options, not many do c. comfort foods