the downside of becoming "woke"....

 

you have to deal with those who are left behind. who refuse to examine the worlds realities. who refuse to question. who refuse to be curious. 

woke just means to be socially aware. it's been made into a sort of swear word of late by the right.

if woke means that i am trying to accept others in the place that they are, then i accept that task. 

when it comes to racism. i really had no idea initially how racism has impacted so many aspects of our culture.  there was very little we were taught in school about the truths of those times of slavery and after slavery.  it was washed away.  we were learning at a young age i think in school that we were being taught a very watered down version of history.  at least i seem to recall getting that impression

i spent quite a lot of time in the library selecting books to read that i'm sure good Christian parents would refuse to allow.  my parents were pretty hands off in many ways.  parents are much more hovering these days, or have been. my parents had very little impact on what i read outside of the bible and book of mormon. my Mom was just happy we read.  she was a big reader...though much of her reading was romance novels.  she was reading. that was all that mattered. she had an amazing vocabulary

you can be exposed to and read a variety of things, you can travel to nations far and wide and still remain in a box of your choosing though. we choose these things.  

it makes me both sad for and angry at times for those who seem to remain entrenched in a thought process that many are leaving behind. 

it's just so hard to imagine intelligent people choosing to stay in a box of ideas that were standard when we were kids.  never really breaking from the beliefs about gays, race, religion, the world order. 

the people they support in office are doing some really horrendous things and yet, they choose to really just look the other way.  they have their things that they want to have happen, gun rights and abortion restrictions.  in truth abortions are less under dems because they encouraged and made available birth control and other supportive things that decrease abortions. 

i'd still say that the gop needed and depended on those fetuses being aborted more than the dems got from them.  they needed those fetuses to be taken in order to motivate their base to vote.  now with that gone, they are going after others. sadly, no battle will be as easy a win for them than fetuses.  the fetus is totally dependent on the person carrying it so no money needed to be spent by the gop. proof of this is that the gop votes over and over not to support pregnant women. they don't support the fetus financially in any way.  those nuts at abortion clinics aren't paid, they volunteer. 

a post on fb by a niece this week through me in to a bit of a rage. it was a supposed "study" with mice.  the mice were given everything they needed...in the end they extrapolated that the results of this "study" is what is happening in society with humans.  the last paragraph..."we are currently witnessing direct parallels in todays society, weak, feminized men with little to no skills and no protective instincts and overly agitated and aggressive females with no maternal instincts" who then destroy society by killing off the others. i was just about to leave for work and it just enraged me really. 

as i tend to fly off on these ridiculous things i just hit block so that i wouldn't comment and get into an online battle with yet another family member. right after i did that, her mom called me. i said i was feeling pretty angry and explained why.  she started to defend this "research" and that just angered me more.  i wasn't calm, i was over reactive so in the end i did send a text apologizing, saying in the state i was in i should not have answered the phone. also that i shouldn't have taken my anger out on her on something she didn't post. 

in the heated discussion i did mention that the Jesus i had learned about would have been kind to people, whether they were gay/trans...whatever.  then she had said, Jesus would say, "go and sin no more". 

so being more "woke" you have to find some way to accept those who think being "woke" is a scary and bad thing. then the next day yet another school shooting happens.  a reminder that the non woke vote in people who support the nra and guns rights so completely that death by gun is now the most common way to die as a child here. so they see the news about a shooting, send their thoughts and prayers and then go back to attacking the lgbqt+ folks, drag queens, books, actual history...stuff that isn't killing kids. 

that they espouse to be prolife and yet look away at all the death, is an irony they are incapable of grasping. 

these state governments would rather these transgenders and all others just disappear. i do not know what they want of them really.  they do not want to believe or admit they exist.  what are their choices at that point...if a whole segment of society wants them to pretend to not exist.  i have heard many times that there is just xx and xy.  this is simply not true. 

there are a lot of chromosome variations to this.  xxy, xyy, xxyy, xxxy....

if anomaly's can happen on all the chromosomes. i'm baffled why many can accept this on all the other chromosomes but not on those that determine sex characteristics and sexuality.it just doesn't seem too far out there that if you can be born with a penis and uterus than there is a wide variety of things that can happen. 

so i haven't called to talk because then the shooting happened and i can't promise i won't become angry at a discussion that can't possibly go anywhere useful. 

i saw a clip that was talking about trauma and trauma response. i didn't have any specific trauma's as a kid.  we had a pretty protected and fun existence. i have had some experiences later...and i often feel like my entire career is a trauma. dealing with others traumas and deaths over and over has to have an impact on us care givers. covid was an added trauma on top of it all. sexual assaults, bear close encounter, close calls in boats and planes...it all adds up. 

working in critical care you learn to remain calm.  so big things are happening and you just stay calm.  the clip was saying that often we are calm when these big things happen but as a response we tend to over react to smaller injustices/situations.  i guess because we have the space and freedom to react.  when the shit is hitting the fan you have to deal with it and you can't let emotions run wild. makes some sense i think. 

these are the last from sept 21.  the last fall with Tusk.  i will always feel badly for how his life ended but i try to focus on all the fun times we all had together.  my dogs have great lives overall. still so hard to let them go. 

my work week last week was one night of on call and two nights in pcu. not bad nights really. 

the most annoying was the second night the tech i had was pretty busy with some study work.  mostly just sat there on her ipad, not doing tech work.  i'm pretty good at doing much of my own tech work, we had no tech the first night, but it is frustrating having a tech who isn't doing much to actually help you. watching someone sit around getting paid to not do work.  irritating. 

these trees are at the kincaid park.  i'm feeling a lazy day here before i head back to work tonight. 

the dogs would prefer a nice walk. we did put in over 5 miles yesterday.  it was really nice.  the trails are still great and the weather is perfect. warm. into the 30's. 

there was a pretty great aurora the other night.  i was on call so i was sticking close to home.  should have gotten out there i guess. i fell asleep and never got called in. 

watching a series called "Manifest". so far it's pretty good. their flight hits some turbulence and after they get through that they land but apparently 5+ years have passed and they are trying to leap back into a life that left them behind. 

two nights of work ahead though. 

the post has been taken down.  my bil was much calmer and more capable of having a discussion.  apologies by the niece to him. i'll just stay unfriend for now.  i unblocked there have been other questionable posts.  better to just slide away from that stuff to prevent over reactions in the future. no social media info/battle will change views on those who ardently do not want their views to change. 

it will sadden me and frustrate me until my last day though.  

sad that they won't accept things that others do, sad that they refuse to look into the truths that others live with and try to find some way to at least be more accepting and at least less demanding that those people hide from their own existence.  what are they to do? live a life in the closet, in shame and self loathing just so the people on the right don't have to feel uncomfortable or see the reality. 

acceptance.  it's really what any of us want.  i think i gave up on much of that need through covid and the other circumstances i've dealt with.  i know others still hope for that full acceptance and it will never be granted. 

never...because full acceptance, even basic acceptance at many levels just isn't something they are capable or or choose to do....i'd say choose more than capable though, which is why it makes me angry.  

clinging on to the old ways of thinking.  not being able to evolve...it's a choice

living in a box. some comfort for the individual but that comfort will surely be rocked.  someone will marry the wrong color or the wrong sex.  someone will come out as a member of the lgbqt+ community....then what happens? do they change? some do, some don't.  what happens when they don't...? even more family/friends walk away, some will commit suicide, some will bend to the will of their families and live a made up, unhappy life, while quietly loathing themselves because they can't find a way to make that life work for who they are.  it's a mismatch of epic proportions

sadly, you can't make people walk the road and see what is happening across the street from their protected lives. if they don't want to they will not.  

occasionally, i will release the rage, no matter how futile it is when directed at those who are so deeply in their box. i'm a human. imperfect. i love, but i also can rage at times. 

i apologize for the times i rage and am grateful for those who accept me for who i am.  

i guess, in the end, a little rage outburst is needed.  you have to try to get through the box.  you hope that one of those efforts will be successful, if just for a moment. guess it's like the sperms and the egg...those little suckers ram like crazy and every so often, by some miracle one gets through.  it may be a totally screwed up sperm though, which causes havoc and creates a genetically flawed human.  

we are all flawed. is it the battle to exist?  that battle takes its toll on us all. whether we hide in a box or walk out into the wild. none of us can protect ourselves, whether we are woke or not.  nobody is shielded by prayers, bad stuff happens to all. if God was going to protect kids from these school shootings, God would have already done it.  this is on us.  so knock off the thoughts and prayers and get make changes. 

well, these dogs are being very patient and i'm getting thirsty. should get off this computer. 

hoping these two nights are not too rough. 

a bear print out there. none spotted yet this year. 

love these big trees, especially in the fall. 

beach down below. 

more snuggle time with the dogs then off to work.  

grateful for: A. becoming woke.  despite the negative aspects, i have a long ways to go. B. spring temperatures C. calmer heads than mine. 

you can never have too many people in your life...

 

it takes a lot for me to completely cut someone off.  even a few i've emotionally cut off i will still be nice and interact if it comes up. dogs...you can 100% depend on dogs, but humans, we do need other humans from time to time and it's best to not burn too many bridges. 

someone recently commented about someone, "I don't understand why you still hang out with...". 

in truth...why does anyone still hang out with me? none of us are perfect.  you find people who accept you and your quirks and faults and who you can accept their quirks and faults. thankfully, there are still folks out there willing to tolerate me and for that i'm always going to be grateful and give back my tolerance to them

having many friends fills many needs. one person can't really fill all our needs, no matter how much people claim it's true. some friends have life skills, some are brutally honest when you need that.  others are kind and compassionate when you need that. some can entertain, some to make you laugh.  we have different things in common with different people.  why limit yourself.  when the crap really hits the fan...you may need every person you can find who will tolerate you and who have tolerated you over the years.

i always think i'm an acquired taste. i am not for everyone.  it takes time to appreciate the person that i am. serious at times, sarcastic at times. overthinker, dreamer, annoying at times. 

my stretch off is nearly done.  boo. it never feels long enough and i am happy for the day to come when i no longer have as much work. thinking more and more of looking at maybe picking up a shift here and there in an urgent care center perhaps...not related to prov in the fall? see how that goes through the winter, then start to drop off more at prov and see what i can do for the next few years before retiring completely. just don't think i want to be doing full nights much longer. it takes longer to recover that is for sure.

the iditarod is over. the red lantern is in.  hopefully, the sport can last for several more years. we shall see. 

watched a mini series on WACO branch dividians...the cult that the fbi/atf got into it with. lost 4 atf agents and  over 80 cult members, many of those children.  many just blame the government and use that as a reason to defend guns rights more. mistakes were made for sure. i'm sure that those mistakes caused the fbi to back down on the bundy brothers who took over the federal building in Oregon...which led many to believe that their possession of guns and the fbi backing down was proof that they could win against the big government....the big government could have won, they chose not to. i'd guess because waco was such a mess.

ultimately, people need to take some responsibility. the atf and fbi would not have even come there had there not been proof of them totally not following the rules in regards to what weapons were legal. they were manufacturing and stockpiling illegal arms. i suspect this stock pile in the end caused their deaths.  well, that and their irrational belief in their cult leader. 

anyone wants to annul all the marriages so he can have sex with all the women...that is not the messiah.  people just gotta not be so f...ing stupid.  sorry but the ones responsible for the deaths of all of those people are the people in the cult and the cult leader. they could have left, they could have walked away. they could have sent their kids out. 

that is not to say that mistakes and screw ups did not happen. they appear to have happened for sure. 

how many millions of dollars should we invest in crazy cults that are heavily armed to save these lives? it's a tough choice really.  the building was poorly built and it was full of ammo and guns. the feds added the gas and it wouldn't have taken much for the place to blow. one guy said as it burned a shot went past his head.  he thought someone fired shots as the building was burning...it could have just as easily come from an explosion of the massive amounts of military equipment inside the burning building i suppose. a few got out despite fire, adults...they didn't stop to grab kids it seems. 

they blame the fbi.  easier to blame the big government than to take any responsibility for your own foolishness getting caught up  with a crazy cult leader. we will never really hear all of it from either side. sad that so many died and sad that things went the way their did.  nobody likes to hear of a loss of kids, especially to something as devastating as a fire. hate fire...awful. the cult members had many days to make other choices and they stuck by their cult leader. 

just another reason to avoid religion as far as i can see. it really f's people up. 

discussion about culture and how most European Americans do not really have much ties to the culture from the places their families came from.  how does this relate to natives and blacks...it doesn't really. the main difference being our forefathers that came over from Europe made a choice to come here and to leave their culture behind in order to start new.  

natives/blacks...others.  attempts were made, many very successfully, to extract them from their cultures and languages.  their kids often were taken from them in order to indoctrinate them into a new Christian order.  it's kind of amazing really that any of these folks who's families were deemed uncivilized and had Christianity forced on them, "for their own good", still attend these churches. 

i always wondered that with blacks and mormonism.  i was taught white and delightsome...that blacks were black because of the sins of their fathers...why would anyone stay in a religion that was open about that. religion is pretty powerful stuff and that is why it is often so abused to the detriment of those who believe.  it's all very sad. 

in the case of the branch dividians..it cost them their lives.  jonestown as well.  many died there. 909 under jim jones. suicide by poisoned Kool aid. one lady that left the davidian complex seems to still be a bit of a believer.  she had been instructed to blow up the women with a grenade and she still blames the fbi...does she think she was the only one instructed to blow them up if the fbi closed in.  not sure how they could have done things much differently.  these cults do not go peacefully.  one grenade in a poorly built building filled with guns and ammo...that is all it would have taken really. 

i also watched another mini series about the Malyasian passenger jet that disappeared from radar and was never found. who knows what happened there.  it's been years and still really nothing concrete. 

 a disturbing thing that was relayed in that show was that those oxygen masks that drop down in an emergency on planes...it only has 15 minutes of oxygen.  that is not much use really. so it only delays the death. it's like when i was in a near crash.  we landed in crash positions, that position was really just optimal to make sure our necks all snapped.  no survivors that way for sure. that is what i was thinking up there as we prepared for crash landing.  snapped necks was cheaper for the airlines.  one payout for dead bodies. live bodies require bigger pay outs. 

the snow is melting as each day the temperatures rise to over 30. lots of dripping.  of course, at night the temps drop a bit and then the ice forms.  so slick roads out there at times. 

went with friends out to Beluga cabin for a night.  always a fun escape in the Spring. 

snow was forecast but it didn't snow.  it was pretty and warm.  

i often do not sleep great away from home, new sounds, uncomfortable bed. worried the dogs will disturb others. at 2 am i was pretty impressed as i dug through my bag for a  benadyl and found one along with some ibuprofen.  soon i was out and slept very well. woke too early and we packed up and headed home. i planned on unpacking, showering and then taking the dogs for a walk...in the end unpacked and then took a nice long nap

the dogs get worn out just being off their routine. they are pretty happy to nap after any adventure. 

the last two days i took them on a nice loop at Campbell Airstrip. today i drove up to the bear tree.  didn't see any sign of her. the bears should be starting to wake up though. need to restock my bear spray.  need to figure out what to do with the old cannisters. can't rely on the ones that have frozen and thawed. maybe i'll check with fish and game and see if they need some to fire off for practice or training. 

from a trek down to Homer last summer. well early summer, late spring. i've heard they have had a lot of snow up in the pass so that road sounds like it's been pretty sketch this week. 

doesn't look like i'll catch many nice low tides this summer.  my vacation will be approved i think, so that is good. didn't get approved last summer, ridiculous. that was actually a first but still.  we deserve vacation.

in truth, i'm starting to feel a bit embarrassed when people ask me how long i've worked at the place i'm at.  feels like only fools stay with one company that long.  for me it was more about living my life than making money.  i'm more of a work to live not  live to work but still... i wish i felt more like companies appreciated and respected their labor force rather than feeling like they do what they can to take advantage of their work force. 

Sunny had fun exploring the beaches.  a new experience for him 

this is clam gultch.  a stop on the way to homer. 

having fun

it's all a big adventure when you are a dog.

still have photo's to look through from the Iditarod. another day.  i'll head to bed soon i think. reading a good book. got some recommendations so i am into one of those.  actually got some reading done at work one night. 

still have to do the cpr dummy for the quarter. i'm signed up for the enpc class in may.  should be last time i take those classes.  easier to think of it that way.  it lasts 4 years.  by then i should be done with bedside really...hopefully anyway. 

this was one of over 20 moose i spotted on the side of the road this particular trip...never seen that many before.  the most i saw was like 15+ on the trek from Valdez to Anchorage.

it was a beautiful evening in Clam Gultch.

have been a bit lazy this stretch off.  i really do need to get myself motivated soon here.  time for a spring clean.  it was nice to have back door open and toss the toy for the dogs...just let that fresh air flow in. 

we have such great clean, crisp air up here. great to just breath it in.  i grew up in smog. 

as a kid we would have smog days where we had to stay inside during recess as it was too smoggy for play outside to be healthy.  i remember a doc in Ketchikan laughed when i said that...not believing it.  it's true. we had rain days and smog days. 

we didn't require active shooter drills in those days. it was cold war time so we had bomb drills and earthquake drills...which as a kid i thought was odd that we'd have both since in both cases we just got under the desks. they were the same. just called something different 

eagle in flight

landed

dog learning about tides i guess. he was getting braver in the water...though he is still not really big on swimming

two eagles

juvenile. well, that is the exciting news of the week. 

thankful for A. rest and relaxation B.  another camping trip in the books for this year.  :-), always fun. C. safe travels to Nome for humans and dogs.