the long journey of deconstruction...

 

feeling like i'm coming full circle on the deconstruction of the religion of my youth. why has it taken me so long? i'd say there are several factors. the internet for one, the culture was another. 

i did not have all that much information when i initially deconstructed. there was no internet, there was just me, reading and praying and asking questions. questions that weren't really answered adequately.  those thought terminating cliche's i speak of. there was so much i was not settled with in the church but i guess the "shelf breaker" for me was the proclamation about polygamy.  in that polygamy itself is not denounced. it is only announced that it will no longer be practiced on earth so that Utah could become a state. 

i already had many views that grew further from the faith i was raised in. gays, blacks, polygamy, the money, the new testament vs organized religion.  i think that one thing just solidified my views that the church i'd been told my whole life was the one and only true church was not 

i stopped attending. mostly i just started working on Sundays. it was easier than making an issue of it.  my family didn't really comprehend i "left" probably for years. i'd attend enough, still worked with girls camp. my life in and out of the church were pulling apart though. 

looking back i see that at the time the social context was if you left the church it was because you wanted to be bad, to sin.  it was because you hadn't been strong enough to gain a testimony.  there was no exit path.  the only right answer was the church was true.  

so i feel like now, i spent decades trying to prove myself in this situation. prove that i had done the proper reading and praying and all that.  prove that i was still a decent human.  in the end...there was never going to be a positive outcome to this. nobody from the church, family or otherwise, was going to accept any of my attempts to prove that i had come to a decision and wasn't just out to party or some other canned reason given why people leave. so the end result was that i spent decades trying to prove myself worthy of their continued love despite leaving the church...

only to discover, it was never enough. the worst would always be assumed of me.  it was a losing battle. i just could never see that and just worked harder to prove myself. 

i had not left and become a partier.  i had not left and done drugs or gone to jail. i had left and remained a decent human.  a good person overall, though flawed as we all are. none of that was ever going to matter. 

covid, a phone call, a reunion,  family visits....research, listening to others on the internet, more research, more soul searching. none of it changed their views of me nor my views of the religion.  

i believe that because i had no internet, it didn't exist at the time of my exit, it was just work i needed to do to prove to myself that i wasn't just a lazy person, that i hadn't just left to party.  there was much more out there disproving this religion than what i had known initially. i just needed to go through this part. the internet just verified what i already had known.  i needed that confidence to stop me from questioning myself like they all did. 

i spent decades seeking acceptance. the level of acceptance i hoped for will never happen.  they live in a bubble. they want to live in that bubble.  they do not want to ask the questions that came so easily to me.  they are happy in their space. 

the full circle is that i just make them feel uncomfortable. i do not change anything else for them. i just make them have to ponder things they do not want to ponder. i cannot change the situation.  all i can do is walk away for the most part and give them their peace.  

accept what is. this brings me peace as well. it's time to stop bashing my head into the wall that is their truth.  my truth is just very different and no amount of convincing will change how i will be viewed.  there will never truly be full acceptance and it has become too painful for me to do the work of trying to fit in to a world that i will never fit in to. 

with me out of the picture they are free to speak and be who they are.  that is probably the best gift i can give them this season of giving.  

there is just so little we can agree on or even speak about without it becoming controversial. it's too difficult to not speak up during conversations.  so i have been backing off more and more. give them their peace though i do not agree with the bubble they chose to live in...they do not believe in the world i live in. 

in truth i do feel more peace. i'm sure they do as well. 

if you are working at being a part of something, you were never meant to be a part of it.  acceptance and belonging are not a struggle.  acceptance and belonging are a thing of peace. it has  been a difficult few years coming to terms with that reality and i know i should have figured it out decades ago. events do change things in our little worlds. sometimes we have to really be hit over the head with truth and reality to find our way.  this world is great because we do have that opportunity to continuously grow and change.  ourselves, our values, our opinions.  we can also chose to not change any of that. 

at a certain age, i suspect demanding change is a cruelty.  leaving a church that is so your entire existence is painful at any stage of life, but i'd guess it would be truly terrifying at a later stage in life. the pain i felt in my 20's would be multiplied after one has served a mission, done temple work, married, had kids, given 10% for decades.  the real kindness is to just let it go. let them believe the things that make them comfortable. at this stage the chances of those beliefs changing is next to nil. 

so i have mailed off the annual cards/calendars and sent a few gifts to those who i find make more of an effort. there is no hate, there is not a total loss of hope. it's more of a reality of what is possible and a truth of what isn't. 

one of the movies i watched years ago i loved because it was this reminder that having expectations can destroy your current experience.  we must let go of expectations.  this view of the family was an expectation that just took me much longer to release.  the movie was "leaving normal".  not much in life will meet expectations. somethings will fall far below and some things will rise far above. our best bet is to walk through life with minimal expectations and then to just adapt to what may come. 

joy is often found by surprise. when we least expect it. mostly i find joy in the smallest of things. that is just how i am. i love finding a tiny mushroom and sea shell or wild flower or animal sightings. connecting to other humans in tiny moments, whether they are known to me or not. an interaction with a cab driver can bring me joy as it opens my world to a new view, a new opinion that i had never occurred to me. 

part of my recent struggle with anxiety i believe now, has to do with letting go of the safety net religion is.  without it you have to accept that you do not have the answers to all those big life questions that religion ties up for you, albeit in a very complicated and nonsensical tale. 

you must accept that you are not protected from this big world by some connection to a God that likes you more than others. you have to accept that you can be a terrible person or a good person and that life will give you things or take things from you either way.

you have to accept knowing and understanding less but find a way to find peace in that. i'd say the other way is easier.  having some story to make it all feel okay, having some feeling of retribution for those people who are truly evil in this world.  there are just bad people doing horrific things and some of those terrible people may never "pay" for being bad. they may spend their lives living large. having things and being with  people that you do not feel they deserve. 

i don't always like accepting that. i still tell myself there is some karma, i know there may not be. 

it's also letting go of our own value/importance. religion puts you above others in this world.  that you were born to the truth or found the truth and all those other people were not. it's really filled with an ego. we want to feel valued, but the truth is we are only of value to those around us that actually value us. this is why war is so easy, all they have to do is make one group of people feel valued over another group to feel the other group doesn't deserve what we deserve.  or that the other group is the cause of us not getting what we deserve. 

in my 20's i lost my faith in the church, in these past few years i have lost my faith in religion in general. 

is the process complete, i don't believe so. if we are living life right, we are always in the process of learning.  each stage we are gifted is an opportunity to grow and expand. 

for years i have believed that there is probably more to all of this.  that we can't possibly learn all one can learn in one life.  reincarnation? maybe, maybe not. there are no doubt things i will tell myself to find some level of peace in a world that defies understanding. 

i find it much more comforting exploring all the various options and never knowing which could possibly be true than i did being told i was miraculously born into the right religion. that i somehow did something in a pre-life that merited me getting a leg up in this one. 

it makes it easier for me to hear others truth and ponder those. have i just not found an option that really works for me or is it that that option will never exist. 

the bottom line for me.  is to enjoy the time i am  here. to not put so much pressure on myself to be a certain person. i am who i am. the people who enjoy being around me will continue to be around me, those that don't, will wander off on their own paths. 

for me right now, i'm trying to put in the work of taking fear and anxiety out of my days.  of accepting myself and others where they are.  it's an ongoing process, one that will come with failings. 

glory in imperfections. glory in letting go when letting go is the best option. 

glory in the relationships that bring me peace and joy, glory in the beautiful aspects of this world we live in.  

finding ways to focus on the positive and beautiful and looking away from those things that you can't control. our time on this earth is too short to be so stressed over things that are out of our control

my fake tree is up.  the bulk of packages mailed.  why celebrate a holiday i don't really believe in? i believe in people, i believe in the experience of being human and i believe that goodness and love and giving are powerful things of this experience. i believe this season celebrates that more than one human's impact on the earth

i better get this day started. back to work tonight.  walked Rovers Run yesterday. the trails right now are total icy crap. not many photo ops out there at this moment. i'm sure if i drove further from my house i'd find more beautiful things. this week i chose to stay close. the dogs are happy walking where ever. they are happy being around me. if you want to completely belong, get a dog.  

thankful for A. the journey B. those who come and go in our lives and always leave their mark that helps us grow and learn. C. acceptance