you are being ridiculous...my new mantra

 

followed by you are doing good.  repeat. 

i really don't think i realized how the overall stress and anxiety really were impacting me.  it creeps up on you. i get knots in my neck/shoulders and under my scapula. this can lead to headaches.  i was having more and just taking more excedrin than usual and ibuprofen.  looking back, i think i have caused a bit of gastritis. i had gastritis once before in the late 90's. it can lead to some ectopy on it's own. add stress and an older heart...possible. that time it was the gall bladder. 

so i am happily belching now. taking prilosec or pepcid in the mornings, taking some tums/pepto and all that. i am also using my new shoulder rubbing machine often. that helps with one area. 

as far as anxiety...haven't needed any medication for a few days now. i am just more aware of it all. i'm taking the magnesium.  i was taking the multivitamin at the same time and getting nauseated...now i've figured out that it's the multivitamin that does that. not sure if the magnesium is helping, probably a combination of several things. trying to be better at getting back to what i did better before. 

looking back, i had been getting out of bed later and later.  some of the anxiety seemed to be building as i was preparing to leave the house and again if i was staying out too long. i just wanted to be home more and more...a bit of the agoraphobia i guess. now i'm just trying to be more aware of the time and have a schedule to get myself motivated and out of the house. have walked every day.  had some wild heartburn but that has been better the last few days. knowing more about what is happening at least decreased the anxiety load. 

i worked one night and between anxiety and back ache, i opted to just take care of me and call out for 3 nights. i felt like i needed it to get me on a more healthy life schedule.  i'm doing more meditation and stretches/exercises. so i did work another night at the end of my stretch and it went better. 

i could barely sleep the night before the cardiologist appointment.  the doctor is great.  i think it was nice for him to see a patient that walks every day instead of smokes every day. haha. as i left he said, "you are probably the healthiest patient i will see all week". he wasn't overly concerned about the ectopy. labs, ekg, heart all normal. wants to do an echo to rule out underlying heart issues like cardiomyopathy.  i'm also scheduled for a CA CT where they score the calcium in your vessels i think...so hopefully those will turn out to be okay.  that is what is left. 

when i was unable to sleep that night though i did experience an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. felt like everything is going to be okay.  i always figure this is possibly comfort from loved ones or loved pets who have crossed over.  others would attribute this to God.  quite frankly, i'm pretty over that. i find that this God gets all the credit for anything good and no blame for anything bad.  so many excuses. i really just don't get the God answers silly prayer requests but ignores most desperate pleas. mothers with dying children. people in horrific war zones. i feel much more comforted thinking comfort like this comes from a place of love. 

we were taught we had the answers.  only we did. even though it can be scary not knowing the answers to the big next life questions...i find it comforting in a way....accepting that we don't know, we can't know. i just really don't think we have to be theologians or have access to theologians.  anytime you put others in charge of your beliefs you put yourself at great risk. better to not know than to think you do know. i know people find comfort in their organized religious beliefs but too often i see that their comfort is less comforting than they realize.  that "comfort" comes with judgement and rules and strange habits and even odd clothing.  why should a religion demand earthy money to prove eternal worth? i think there are better ways to prove you are a decent person. 

there are also plenty of decent people who have never attended any church, believe in no specific religion.  there are many out there who go to a church or are part of an organized religion but are truly terrible people. be careful who you follow...and where they lead. 

i'm wearing my fit bit again and paying more attention to all that it offers. 

i do think there is some global anxiety/depression out there. we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. 

i still think much of this is coming from a place of healing. that my body is releasing the stress of the pandemic and trump years.  hoping we do not have to repeat either of those things...

the dogs and cats are giving me regular snuggle sessions. part of my anxiety therapy for sure. 

so feeling much better overall. 

death is random. being immersed in it has caused me to focus too much on it.  covid forced us all to deal with death on a level we weren't prepared for. as health care workers you find ways to deal with loss and the pain of watching others pass and their loved ones have to deal with their own losses. the pandemic just made it impossible for us to keep up with the loss and pain and suffering i suspect. the weight of it suffocates us until we can find a way to release it. 

there is far more for me to be grateful for. i'm also trying to rediscover play.  everything just got far too serious for many of us over these past few years. we need to find ways to immerse our tires souls into fun, laughter, joy, play. making snow angels this week, freezing ice, meeting up with friends.  talking texting. laughing.  all things that make you happy...bring them on. we have been deprived too long. 

i did go look for the white raven.  took a bit but i found her. i only had my phone camera with me so i got pretty lousy shots. perhaps i'll try again with the big camera one of these days....nothing like the bigger cameras i saw out there. there are some good shots.  one of my favorites is of her with a slice of pizza.  ravens are kind of trash eaters.  so i found the photo very ironic as she is so popular globally at this point. i had gone walking with friends and coffee after, like a normal Monday walk.  i did cut my white raven outing short as i felt the anxiety and heartburn coming on strong. 

so happy to feel like i'm getting more empowered and more hopeful again. taking control is always a good thing towards healing. i signed up with a therapist for this next week which is something i've never done but probably should have done decades ago.  my parents would have if it was a different time. by the time i was 10 or 11 i was leaving notes for my mom in a teddy bear that had a pocket...i was saying things like i know you don't love me or that i know you love the other kids more...things like that i think.  my mom would just come in and tell me she loved me. 

when you have a lot of kids...it's hard to keep it up..the excitement over the little things that are exciting for you with the first kid or the second kid.  by 7 or more kids....it's routine. i try to caution those with large families to not forget those younger ones.  there is also this assumption that as the youngest you are spoiled....it doesn't always work that way. they can love you but just not give you what you need. maybe i was just a kid that needed more or something different.  who knows. i felt alone a lot as a kid though.  

still there were many fun and happy memories.  you still have several siblings.  my brother and i fought as kids but we were also the closest in age so we spent hours, the 3 youngest, exploring the world we walked in together. we watched tv too but in those days there wasn't as much to entertain us.  we had to create our own. we made a tape with songs we had made up.  it got lost but we had stuffed cats and we made up a song about our stuffed cats. tim and Jim cat, the one with operations, fuzzy...that was mine. can't remember it

we played tons of board games.  if my one brother was losing he would flip the board.  he'd then accuse us of ganging up on him.  we denied it but kids are brats we probably were. we played lots of solitaire, card games, walked on the beach for hours looking for shells.  hit the tennis ball against the grocery store wall. 

there was only 10 years between oldest and youngest but i have less memories of the kids at the top of the pack. not sure why it was so divided and so different.  we just have very different experiences growing up.  my sister and i shared a room but i don't remember us doing much together. cards probably the most universally done thing together. 

the brother right above would literally bang his head into his headboard at night. we were just kids trying to figure out life with not that much direction. for sure the experience made me pretty independent. i'm a fighter for sure. you learn from what you experience. they say your first half of life you get the stuff that you spend the next half of your life recovering from. haha.  it wasn't bad overall, could have been much worse. i see that all the time.  my life was cake compared to what many kids deal with. we still all get some scars.  our parents were all just doing what they could with what they were given as they attempted to sort out their own scars. 

kids that had issues.  we just had to move through them.  

mostly we all turn out pretty good. look at this happy crew below. there are no perfect childhoods.  none of us get everything in life. there are always trade offs. poor but with love, rich but alone....you can't have it all, so stop striving for all and enjoy what you get.  deal with the bad stuff as it comes up and enjoy the hell out of the good stuff.  there is far more good stuff than bad...thus my mantra.  you are being ridiculous, you are doing good. 

the mantra has been helping me push back those symptoms of anxiety this week. 

another thing i'm working on is getting better sleep.  

i've requested to go down to 2 shifts a week. that should help a lot.  eventually explore other job options that are less stressful and then just retire from this job and take it more easy for these next few years before i fully retire. i pulled that request trigger after i worked the one night at the beginning.  felt right. 

so much out there to explore. hoping for many more adventures

gotta pack tomorrow for an overnight out at manitoba yurts this sunday. 

take care of yourselves and those around you.  we all need each other more than we realize. 

thankful for A. feeling that comfort of peace and positive energy. B. coming into a better place C. the beauty that brings us renewed energy.  

Anxiety is normal....

 

when you are in a car and a grizzly bear is trying to get in that car, being very anxious is normal.  when you are on a trail in Alaska in the summer, it's reasonable to be anxious about bears.  when you are on a trail in Alaska in the winter you probably don't need to be that anxious about bears, if you are in a mall in Alaska, you don't need to be anxious about bears at all. we all get anxious.  we get anxious before we give a speech, we get anxious when we are doing new things.  we get anxious when we are female and are walking through a parking garage at 2 am. 

what is not normal is hyperanxiety.  i think too often. these books, like i'm reading, don't describe it like that. how you get in your own way by talking yourself into things that are really more like the bear in the mall scenario.  sure there is a slight possibility that a bear could make it's way into a mall but it's pretty small and really not worth the worry. 

most of the stuff we worry about or become anxious over in daily life...not really worth the worry. the first part of the book i'm reading has some interesting insights. the second half....how to become less anxious....not as much.  at least not for me. he is married, kids, majorly in debt...just very different lives. so i need to extrapolate what he's saying and find a way to use things in my own life.  

he speaks of really understanding your reality.  i think i've over done understanding my reality. the negative realities at least.  i think it's gotten away from me to understand the positive reality of my life.  we have been so inundated with the negative at every turn...we need to focus on the good stuff, and there is good stuff. 

i had heard around Solstice of people who make notes through the year of things that made them happy or brought them joy.  on Solstice they take the time to read through all those things from the past year.  so a few weeks ago i decided that Sundays would be the day i would ponder about the week and write down some of those moments. simple happy things.  for many of us it would also help to watch less news and scroll less. 

it's so easy to focus on the negative that is out there.  there is a lot of it, but there is so much great stuff out there as well. 

i am dealing with random hyperanxiety.  i got anxious today because we had 5 more inches of snow to shovel.  i am supposed to be "not exerting myself".  well as a singleton you have to exert yourself a bit on days like this.  with the ectopy so fresh and concerning in my mind as i shoveled on an empty stomach i began to imagine symptoms. was i really having a heart attack now? i'm almost 60 so things that you would have totally ignored in your 20's, well you do have to focus more on.  i'm overall pretty healthy though.  i was tired and headed off to the walk. so now, i haven't eaten anything but some cottage cheese, i just burned some calories and now i'm headed off to walk in snow. perhaps, it was really the anxiety that made me feel so exhausted...overthinking is exhausting. 

i'm healing. i really feel that way.  i know it sounds nuts since i seem to be having increased bouts of this random anxiety. i really believe that as we heal from past trauma's our bodies find ways to release that stress.  that stress has to leave us for us to move forward.  when the bear tried to get in the car with me, i was very calm and taking action.  a week or so later, i burst into tears.  sobbing and crying for no apparent reason. i didn't feel sad or upset, but i was incapable of stopping these tears. i actually had to call off sick, blubbering away.  my boss just thought i had a terrible cold. my body was simply releasing this stress that i had held in

our bodies naturally do flight, fight or freeze. we forget the freeze part.  if you've seen video of the flight that lost a "door" you will notice nobody is screaming and panicking.  they are in freeze mode.  i went into freeze mode when our flight was slated for possible crash landing. i went into freeze mode on a boat that was at risk to capsize.  the flight was silent, the boat was silent...we were all in a state of a freeze mode...except the pilots/captains i guess.  like me, with the bear, they calmly take action.  when a patients heart stops at work. there is a moment where you freeze. you are like, oh shit their heart stopped, it's not restarting, they are in v-tach, are they breathing?  then you calmly take action.  we do this all the time, 

eventually all of that, the stress catches up to you and you have to deal with it. for some people, like me i guess, we have increased anxiety over the what if's. i think many of us have been in a suspended state of anxiety for a few years.  things are normalizing as far as covid and for me, the trump years were just this constant state of stress, every day what hell had happened. other things happened in this same time frame.  myself, like many, just did what needed to be done. we got a bit lost in the negative haze and the realities that we weren't wanting to face. who people really were, which relationships were solid, what we believed. it was a global existential crisis.  now we have people  like me with hyperanxiety, we also have some that are raging and filled with hatred. some kill themselves or isolate themselves more. some over eat, do drugs, alcohol.  stress is released in many ways.  most of those ways are damaging.

i do appreciate the calls, texts and messages. i am listening.  i bought some magnesium because a few recommended that. it is important to have people in our lives.  we have gotten away from those connections. we have come to believe that clicking like on a social media post is the same as a relationship.  we have forgotten how important it is to be live and real. we need each other, we need to allow others to help us and we need to help others.  all.  people we know, people we don't know. 

the other day i headed out to walk the dogs. i saw a truck stuck in the snow. in my head i was thinking, you aren't supposed to exert yourself.  that didn't mean i couldn't help someone.  i just walked over with my traction pads. it took the guy awhile still to dig out, but the traction pads did help.  we need to help each other.  we need to look for people who need help.  for me, i need to look outside of the craziness inside my head. 

feel like i'm doing better, doing more. i have a date for the walrus lecture. i've worked on that this past month. so march 19, walrus lecture.  next for that is working on a new .org web page. 

freedom is another aspect he focused on.  for me part of that is just admitting that i get overly anxious at times, that i have flaws.  we spend so much time trying to put up these appearances.  guess that is part of the reality.  being who we really are.  the people who accept you will still accept you, those who don't or don't want to deal with you will walk away.  in truth i walked a few miles with ectopy debating whether i should get checked out or not.  years ago, i had all this bronchitis in Los Angeles.  finally went to a Dr when the Vet i worked with  encouraged me to. my respiratory issue was real...the crazy thing, we were never taken to a Dr when we were kids, rarely anyway.  i did not believe i was worthy of being taken care of. i know that sounds nuts. we never got check ups, can't waste money unless the kid is really sick or bleeding.  that is how it was for most of us in that time. my parents had 7 kids, you can't waste money taking kids to a Dr for every sniffle. it had to be bad. it took  me thinking i was bad ass for biking a 50 mile Rosarita to Ensenada event while taking many hits on the inhaler, for me to finally get it. my pulmonologist wasn't impressed with what i had just done like i thought he would be, he threatened to hospitalize me if i did not go home immediately and rest and take care of myself. what i had was real, that was the first time i understood that fact. 

as they say, let them.  if people hate, let them. if people aren't interested in you or what you have to say, let them be uninterested. most of the time, the shit you worry about is just not even on other peoples radar. sometimes you do have to try to put it all in perspective. in 100-200 years, i will just be a blip. some photograph that maybe relatives a few generations away will say, who was this?  how was she related to us....they will know nothing more about me than that blip. 

this is it. this is our time.  i have to remind myself of that and of the positive things rather than allowing myself to get sucked into a negative vortex of fear and anxiety 

focus more on the people who are there, who want to be there. who see you, who accept you. you will know who they are, it's obvious.  i spent far too much energy trying to make relationships with people who i believed i was supposed to be in relationships with. i can't say it was a total waste.  i think there are people you try and try with because you value them, but in the end. that has to be reciprocated and if it isn't you have to have the courage to walk away or step back.  you do not need to be hateful but you do need to accept the facts of what is and what isn't for your peace and for theirs. 

life isn't in grand moments all the time.  above and below are some of my favorite moments.  walks on beaches, sitting around a fire with people i love. i'm not going to look back as an old lady and think, dang i loved scrolling for hours on my phone.  

we are addicted to our phones. we have become painfully dependent on them.  there is a lot of good stuff but we put limits on kids but not on ourselves. 

things i think i need to do more of is the stuff that i used to enjoy but got lost in the day to day.  i need to get the instruments out, write more bad poetry, paint rocks. i love my pets and like i said all the little, simple things in life. 

get out of my own head before i waste these days...we all end up where these folks are,  buried or scattered. all these people lived lives, survived tragedies, loved, lost.  they all experienced things, many the same as i have.  a walk on the beach, sitting in front of a fire. we are all the same in so many ways.

we are also all very unique. 

so fun talking to my cousin tonight. we never talk. she was the first cousin and i think i was the last cousin. she was there with my grandparents before i was able to talk, having  those conversations.  fun to get some non-mormon filtered history. my grandma died when i was 3. i really have zero memories of her. my grandpa was around more so i do have some memories,  but when you are a kid, you don't ask the questions you would want to know now. he had a stroke and lived with us. 

i wrote a song about him. the  chorus: you watched me growing young, as i watched you growing old, your life done, as mines begun. 

we don't realize as kids that our parents are still growing and evolving. that our grandparents are still growing and evolving.  we only really focus on kids growing as their milestones are so much more obvious.  there is only 10 years between my eldest sibling and i but we had very different parents and very different experiences. 

i wish that i would have given my parents more understanding of their own journeys. kids are selfish. lol. 

they raise us but we really don't know that much about them. our grandparents, even less.  things get passed along but those things are not always the real truth.  it's the story that people want to be told. from the perspective they want to have. 

it's after midnight.  i took a nap earlier. i skipped the coffee shop. i think i have just drained myself this week.  i've probably drained myself these past few years. 

cardiologist appointment in a few weeks. i may not have any more ectopy for ages or ever.  i had those pvc's after Tusker died for several weeks intermittently, then nothing. should i worry about dropping dead on the trail of some rhythm. no. we all are going to die some day. when we do die, our stuff will be sold/donated/trashed.  our pets will find new homes...hopefully. other people will buy our homes/cars. that is how it's been since humans came.  all the things that we fretted over will no longer have a place for fretting. 

there is a tiny world living under our feet

and a big world living above us.

double photo somehow.  can't seem to get rid of it. 

beyond this earth is a much larger world.  are there aliens? who knows. i don't worry about that stuff. 

so hopefully we all find the balance between being anxious in a healthy way and being hyperanxious. i know i hope i do soon. 

thanks for listening.  thanks for hearing and understanding and being patient. 

my stretches off go pretty dang fast.  i still have a few days, but man work comes around too fast.  i am enjoying shifts more of late. less work anxiety.  makes me think i'm having some healing there. still, it's time to work my way away from the bedside. plan for more freedom in semi-retirement. more peace.

tonight, peace. 

look at that face.  these pups. 

not much fireweed last year. we shall see what this next summer brings. you can go the same places over and over and see new and beautiful things. 

i plan to make peace with this anxiety and move forward. 

thankful for A. the constant crazy dialogue in my head B. the people in my life who stick around C. the animals who bring me constant joy