Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mothers Day....

 here are a few photo's of some of the females that surely influenced my life.  mostly my own mother, who has left me now many years ago. this is no doubt my greatest loss.  seems you never really get over the loss of your mother.  thankfully, she remains with me in many ways.  she stays in my heart and is so often in my thoughts.
 grateful to have been blessed with her amazing spirit in my life.  i have many memories of my mother, she wasn't perfect, but none of us are.  we succeed because we overcome our imperfections and shine above them.  we succeed because we love and because we have good intentions despite our moments of failure.
 above is my mom's mom and below is my mom's dads mom.
 mothers day is a great time to really take a moment or two and remember our mothers as they are in our hearts.  my mom was very social.  much of my memories of her is her friends and the constant laughter related to those relationships.  i remember how she made friendships a priority.  she was the one who made sure and called, who dutifully wrote out Christmas cards each year to hundreds of people who she had met and loved through out her life.  those relationships mattered to her.  those friends filled her soul and brought her peace and joy.  i remember her on the phone, giggling like a school girl with these other women.  i remember them in the house, also giggling.
 singing.  there seemed to always be songs in our house.  i think all of us seven still have that in us.  i think of her as i break into song constantly with my dogs or even just alone. every thing seems to remind me of this song or that song and because of the way we were brought up, with all this singing, i sing too. the music always lightens life up and instantly you are back in her world. she tried hard to ensure we all had music, we all took piano lessons.  some of us were less appreciative of this I'd say.  in the end, i see those lessons as having given me the gift of another language.  when you are taught music at a young age you do know another language and you can translate that into many other instruments.  i became equally mediocre at guitar and drums because i had that basic language. music was always in our home.
 foods...there will always be certain foods that will tie me to my mother.  her chocolate chip cookies no doubt would be very high on that list.  often, to our fathers dismay, she would mix the dough and then skip baking.  we really seemed to only want the dough anyway.  i suspect my dad was the one bummed the most of this trend.  we did love the dough.  those cookies were seemingly a constant in our house as well.
 I'm guessing my mom probably wouldn't have gotten any awards for her cooking but she cooked us some really delicious basic meals.  she made her spaghetti sauce and would often just alter the pasta...spaghetti, elbow noodles, egg noodles.  seemed like an entirely different meal to us.  we had a few picky eaters in our group.
 anytime my poor mom uttered the words, casserole, we would all head to the hills.  she learned to just avoid any of these dishes.
 mom was also famous for her turkey noodle soup.  still one of my favorites.
 she always made a big meal on Sundays which we shared with an assortment of guests.  our house was always filled with stragglers on Sundays and holidays.  i thought this was normal.  it isn't.  my mom was always thinking of others and including those who may not have another place to go.  the Mormon missionaries seemed to always have a standing invitation at our place.
 apple sandwiches were popular growing up.  i still like to make cream tuna on toast on occasion. my mom could really make some tasty hamburgers as well.
 house cleaning...well, that wasn't really her best...haha.  her priorities were elsewhere.  we did get pulled in for mass cleaning projects at holidays.  i seem to have inherited her lack of skill in the house cleaning.  I'd rather be outside.
 reading and language.  my mom was always reading.  often it was romance novels, but she did have an incredible vocabulary.  the more you read the more words you will know.  we were always encouraged to read and all sorts of reading materials were readily available to us.  i recall reading the James Herriot series at a pretty young age.  she seemed to be able to match our interests to books and other reading materials.  there was a steady supply of magazines and comics at the house.
 can't tell you how often i was corrected in my grammar and spelling.  it was not cruel or demeaning just little teaching moments.  how often did i say, "Me and Marie are going to..." only to have my mother correct me to, "Marie and I...".
 when i was young my mom held her tongue on the swear words.  using piddle or hells bells...admittedly as i reached my teen years a few shit and hell slipped could be my teen drama was the cause of this.
 I'm sure i was a particularly difficult child.  i needed a great deal more attention than she could offer.  there were many stresses in our lives that no doubt made parenting more difficult to do in the way she had imagined.  she had to start working and i know that this gave her great pain.  she wanted to remain a stay at home mom. i recall her speaking to me about needing to go to work and then later about needing to go to work full time.  i know these were tough choices.  money was needed though with a family that large.  i can assure you i did very little as a teen to relieve her guilt over this I'm sure. as kids we can be very selfish.
 can't talk of my Mom without talking about Laguna. my Mom loved Laguna Beach, specifically, Victoria cove and the beach house her Father built at 151 Dumond Drive.
 we all spent many happy days out there.  even though we we not wealthy, I'm sure none of us really noticed.  we lived a great life and had opportunities that made us feel wealthy.  how many kids had such amazing access to a beach house at one of the most sought after beaches.  she loved it there.  she got a ton of reading in.  we were free to come and go as we pleased, she was free to just chill without obligations.  i know those were always her happiest days.
 her least happy day was the day she had to sign off on the sale of that house.  i recall calling my sister with the deepest concern.  i honestly feared mom might possibly kill herself that night at the sheer depression of it all and how many of her dreams had not been fulfilled...the greatest of which was spending the last years of her life in that beach house in Laguna.  sharing that house with her kids and grandkids.
 i have little memories of my mothers mom. she passed when i was 3 i think.  the only memory i do seem to have still is sitting in the car with siblings outside the hospital.  she'd gone in to visit.  it was always apparent that my mother had a deep love for her mother.
 it is raining here.  will walk the pups anyway.  always tough to get motivated on rainy days, but in the end i do love walking in the rain.
 our world has suddenly turned green. that is how it works here in the spring.  you blink and it's green. from here the world will change dramatically week to week until winter comes again.
 was on call last night.  never got called in.  often when i am put on call of late it seems i settle in for a nap. with the pups i don't get as much sleep between shifts.  so trying to catch another hour or two just in case the phone rings seems wise.  i fell into a deep sleep pretty fast.  when i woke up it was 9:45...but was it am or pm?  it can be tough to tell as the daylight extends.  i was a bit disoriented for a few minutes but it was pm.  a friend called so we chatted a bit, I'd thought of getting up and getting something accomplished, but instead i went back to bed.
 life as a night shift nurse.
 these are the last of the pics from our little trek to Seward the other day.  the pups had a great time and we will have to repeat this several times over the next few months i think.
 worked Peds ICU the last few nights.  there are some pretty amazing mothers out there.  i end up dealing with a lot of special needs kids.  I'm always impressed by these mothers that step up when put in this position.  despite what,  I'm sure is devastating news at times for them as parents, they learn what they need to learn to take care of these special spirits in their lives.
 they are protective and dedicated to giving these children the best lives they can.  they sacrifice so much for this and yet, they don't act at all like they have sacrificed anything.  their love is pure and total...they know what each sound and action means coming from these children, who have no other means to communicate.
 these mothers quickly learn skills that take nurses years to learn.  they overcome fears and do tasks that they would have never felt themselves capable of.  their Mama bear instincts take over for them and they become warriors.  had one mother who is at the early stages of this journey and another who is at the later stages of this.
 many step in and take on these special needs kids despite the fact that they did not bring them into this world.   they are just as dedicated and just as protective.  giving themselves to their children as if they had come from their wombs.
 many have taken on the role of adoptive mothers.  I'm always amazed by the dedication and courage it takes to take on some of these kids.  children who were given a pretty rough start at times, children who have medical or emotional issues.  all deserve love and not all are gifted with the love they deserve.  I'm grateful to any and all who take on the role of adoptive parents.  one of the greatest gifts you can give to another human is to bring them in and make them one of yours.  to give them the love and life that each of us so deserves.
 i was so blessed with a stable home and parents who were dedicated and sacrificing for the good of their children. i know that this is not always the case.  for those who love and share that love with the children born of others...thank you.  you not only bless the child, you also do an amazing service to the community at large.
 all parents who take their role seriously and with good intentions benefit society through good citizens.
 i am not a mother.  i am impressed by the mothers i have been blessed to encounter in life.  it's not that i decided at any point to not be a mother, it simply was not how my life rolled out.
 i am a dog "parent" of sorts.  i try to raise dogs that will bring smiles to others and be good canine citizens.  do i regret not having kids?  i suppose i have moments, more curiosity though i think.  would I have been a good parent, what would my kids be like?  i think there are always things you would wish to have given to the next generation that come from you.
 love of nature, protection of this earth.  i guess i hope, if nothing else.  i can lead a bit by example.  that despite not being a parent myself i can have a positive impact on some of my nieces and nephews. that i can help them to value this earth.  perhaps through my work trying to protect walrus or through photographs.
 grateful to mother earth and the amazing place our earth is.  grateful to all the mothers of various species for caring on the tradition and protections of their mothers.
 teaching the next generation, no matter what species you are, is vital.  it's vital to the survival of all.  where would any of us be without our mothers or surrogate mothers.
a few last pics from a dog park party.  gotta love the danes and mastiff gatherings. we may end up there today.  the pups love it and it wears them out.
 listening.  my mom was always a great listener.  we spoke nearly every day until she passed.  she was always interested in my life, the exciting and  the mundane.  i mean really interested. nobody will ever care as much about me and who i am than she did.  it is that unconditional love that can never be replicated in your life.
 i can't recall at this moment the last time i saw my mother.  we spoke so often though i have never felt i missed out.  she did let me know she was proud of me.  nothing was left unsaid when she passed.  i had a trip planned out to visit her.  we all did.  it was to be a belated birthday gift with all of us, she passed before that happened and instead our planned birthday gift became the funeral.
 i do recall one of the last times speaking to her and as a nurse, i knew, i knew she was weary and ready to move from this world to the next.  i recall saying my prayer that day...i recall having a conversation with God....
 i said that i would love to see my mother one more time on earth, but that i did not want her to suffer.  i recall asking that if she was in pain and if she was suffering i did not wish her to suffer any more, instead i would rather she pass in peace if that was what she needed.  i would be okay not seeing her one more time if waiting meant more pain for her.  she passed before i  saw her again.
 i wonder at times, if she is watching over me.  what she thinks of the person i have become.  if she is proud...
 i know the life i live is not necessarily the life she imagined for me when i was child.  i hope that seeing my life from the other side makes my choices more clear for her.  makes our understanding of each other more pure.

 love the look of joy in the dog below as he chases his toy.  this is actually the dog i applied to adopt.  a deaf dane.  he is with new friends at the dog park.  we actually met and chatted about him as they had applied for him as well.  he's got a great home with them.

 my thanks to my own mother and the mothers out there who sacrifice and love unconditionally.  who come to the brink of frustration at times only to swing back to emotions of deep and enduring love, protectiveness and joy.  motherhood is filled with laughter and joy no doubt.  may you be blessed with more joy and laughter than tears and heartache.
 so again...Happy Mothers Day.  thank you for making our world a better place by the souls you bring to our world and the care you give in raising those souls.
grateful for:  A.  my mother and all she was and is to me.  B.  mothers everywhere of all species who put others before themselves...even above their own lives.  C.  the power of women everywhere...i am so proud of you for your strength, kindness, care, diligence....

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