he said, they said...

 so many children impacted.  there is no time limit.  the pain lasts a lifetime.  the lack of trust, the difficulty with relationships later in life.  not feeling safe, not feeling worthy. it lasts a lifetime.

 just watched, "spotlight" a movie about a team of reporters for the Boston Globe that broke a story about the Catholic Priests and how they just covered up abuses, that it was systemic.  that they just moved pedophile Priests from place to place.  many were moved to Alaskan villages. 

 generations of children impacted.  as stories of young boys became more commonly known with the Priests, more action, more outrage.  that is just how it is in this world.  better to have something get the attention than not though i guess.

 so many in the GOP leadership worried about ruining this mans life.  they refuse to reopen the vetting process through the FBI, they refuse to have any other witnesses, they insist on pushing their nominee through without proper documents.  Left Wing Conspiracy...what a surprise.  that is how it always is, either "fake news" or "left wing conspiracy".  facts seem of little importance. 

 as much as so many on the right disdain the media and the main stream news.  our nation needs them to get to the truth.  they slip up, they get greedy as well, they make mistakes, they aren't always able to keep their own feelings from getting in their stories, but they do, overall, bring the truth to us.  they speak truth to power. they are a check and balance on the system we live in.  over the years they have uncovered some valuable truths. 

 so many continue to worry about his life and his future, perhaps that is a good lesson for the next generation to learn and the next and the next.  if you fondle, rape, abuse someone in your youth it may come back to haunt you later.  it should.  you do not get a pass because time passes, the victim certainly doesn't.  they carry it with them. that doesn't mean that many or most of us don't go on to live normal lives.  that for the most part we push the crap we put up with down and away. 

 it does come back to the surface when you hear of others cases.

 when you hear or a 10 year old girl who was taken, molested and killed, when you hear of a woman who was taken, choked until she passed out and then came to with the guy standing over her spraying her with his ejaculate....one was unable to tell the other did but despite all she went through, he got zero actual time. 

 my heart breaks for the many stories i have read.  many similar to mine, many far, far worse than mine.  mine were several smaller incidences...but it does add up. i think most women i know instinctively watch as we walk to our cars.  more than the men ever need to.  we plan our escape route or our defense without even really knowing we are doing it.  maybe in how we carry our purses or how we carry our keys. 

 we no doubt size up our situations and any male who comes in our zone for potential hazards. we aren't safe anywhere and we know it.  i try to just live my life and not let what could happen deter me, why let them win.  but i still would call it all calculated risk taking.  life on the defense, it's what gets you through.

 there are still those moments though.  a guy following you on a trail, a car parked in a strange local, a person watching.  it's hard to trust.

 but don't ruin the guys life, we don't want to do that.  this is a supreme court sitting.  we should make damn sure the guy has a decent character.  that includes your whole life.  as a kid growing up, we got baptized at age 8, the age of accountability. we are accountable for our actions, even if we are stupid teenagers.  you don't get to just walk away from bad choices in your youth.  this is proof that those bad choices may well come back to haunt you...i don't care how pure you live your life later or if you find God.  you are still responsible for your past actions. you are also responsible for how you respond to the past when it does come back on you. 

 this is not a left wing conspiracy...I'm always shocked at how many conspiracies the right seems to put out there...and so many believe them all. despite the fact that there is no facts, no follow up arrests or indictments.  just conspiracy after conspiracy.  it's just a smoke screen.  they fear offending women by openly admitting they don't believe them and don't care anyway.  the bottom line is, so what that crap happened.  get over it.  move on.  others do. 

 i suspect some just pretend better than others, or perhaps it's how much is done to you or built up over time. 

 yes, some women do lie about these things.  in general women don't lie about these things.  in general most women don't even talk about them...thus #metoo and is it I didn't forget.  whatever the latest hash tag is.  why don't women talk about it....some are embarrassed or feel guilty or don't want to hurt their families or they have been encouraged to not talk by family or friends. or with my date rape, i felt stupid that i didn't fight more.  what difference does it make anyway?  if you talk, often you aren't believed or like in my case when i did speak, you are told to say nothing, to not make it worse than it already is. 

 can't really be to judgmental about my parents reaction though.  we aren't taught what to do about this, they weren't either.  I'm sure they were just as blind sided as i was.  everyone is so worried about offending the others.  we don't make a fuss.  the end result of not making a fuss for me really was that my self esteem took a huge hit.  not that i had the greatest self esteem anyway, but when the people who are there to love and protect you opt out of the protection part, you feel pretty worthless.  when it takes multiple phone calls to get help in the middle of the night when you are scared and vulnerable...it takes a toll on you.

 i think my Dad said, "sounds like you have it under control".  this happened between 1-2 am and we could not get anyone to come over to the house we were at until after 6 am.  i think my Dad must have woke up and realized this was something he should react to at least somewhat.  again, i just think we have no idea what we are supposed to do in these situations.  one brother showed up after 7 am with donuts and another, who was friends with the parents of the kid who had molested myself and a friend.  well, for a guy who rarely had a moment for me, suddenly he felt the need to invite me over to these peoples house over and over cause they had a pool...really?  he thought I'd want to hang out at their house?  he'd say something like i don't think he's going to be there...which is funny really because he wasn't supposed to be at the house the weekend we were house/kids sitting for the family.

 in the end, the reactions or lack of reactions were far more devastating to my ego than the actual event.  that is what I've come to know after years of reflection and a date rape that i could have easily stopped if I'd felt worthy of a scene....there were people within feet of where it happened, but i didn't want to bother them. i didn't want to create a scene.  CREATE  A SCENE folks...it's okay, you are worth it. 

 i imagine if i saw either of these two guys being placed in a position such as potus or supreme court i may feel the need to put in my two cents.  unless these women all turn out to have off shore accounts that the Dems have put substantial amounts of money in...i really don't see any other reason for them to lie.

 the far more likely scenario in this big world of ours is that it happened.  it happens all over.  it happens in churches, it happens in schools, in happens in homes...everywhere. 

 these photo's by the way are of some recent hikes.  Campbell Airstrip and Spencer Loop. 

 much of what happens is a he said, she said.  we know that.  most of what happens we can't prove anyway.  after a rape the first thing most want is to shower.  even if you do head to the ER and go through the whole rape kit ordeal...that is no guarantee that anyone will get sentenced. 

 most of the abuses women are subject to are not all that invasive.  it is still upsetting anyway.  i can't tell you how many times i have been flashed or grabbed.  usually it happens so fast you could never ID them.  lewd comments or having guys pleasure themselves in public places...i was walking one day at age 15 and a car pulled over. the guy "asked for directions".  he was jerking off.  even if I'd gotten the license, he no doubt would have said he was looking for his pen that he dropped to write down the directions..or some other excuse and then you are just standing there looking like a lunatic.  i mean us women folk are all nuts, right? 

 a friend sent me information about a Mormon  leader who was posting sexually explicit interviews or something.  not sure, but that could have been me.  when i was in Logan at school i went to my local Bishop to get interviewed to do baptisms for the dead. they do that, I'd done it in high school but this Bishop was asking questions I'd never been asked before.  it started out normal but eventually he was asking me about anal sex and sex with animals. i was a virgin.  i just felt very uncomfortable and freaked out.  you feel so stupid later because you just sat there.  he was the Bishop though.  you are groomed to accept authority, to not question your leaders...to give them respect. i never said anything about that either.

 when i was a teen one of the married guys at church apparently had a thing for my friend...as it turns out the same friend who had been house sitting with me and had also been groped in her sleep. i had woke up but she hadn't...at least not until a slammed the guy in the ass and screamed for him to "Get the F out of there".  that was only on the second time he snuck into the room we were in, i was so scared after the first time i wasn't going to sleep.  anyway, this church leader had secretly become her secret admirer.  he sent flowers and notes...her Mom caught him by setting him up at the florist where the flowers always came from.  she confronted the guy, spoke to the bishopric, but the guy was still up there at the front of the congregation each week, clerking.  he was married with kids.  as far as i can tell he got zero reprimand.

 this same guy hounded us to be our priesthood advisor at girls camp repeatedly. 

 the big stuff you don't forget. the little stuff you remember but you can't always know who every guy on the street is who grabs you or makes lewd comments. it's just part of life if you are female. 

 today was Monday walk.  we had great weather. it rained last night but we had blue skies.  we sat outside for coffee...we watched dark clouds roll in and then it was raining.  fresh snow on the mountains.  termination dust...so finally winter will come soon. we've all enjoyed this extended fall though.

 the dark clouds actually passed by pretty fast so i opted to go for a drive.

 i only went as far as Portage.  sometimes it's just nice to get out and cruise.  light was pretty, colors great...don't think i took too many photo's just enjoyed the day. 

 I'd had another somewhat heated discussion with the manager from Kantishna Roadhouse. I'm still short money.  a second conversation later was more chill.  seems to be his pattern.  hoping my friend checks her card soon as according to him, they gave her back all my cash and she got a super cheap trip out there.  hopefully, that clears it up and she can just write me a check...there are other lodges in the area...just saying.

 was hoping to start punching through the decorative boxes up top but i got a new jigsaw and saws always make me a bit nervous..I've decided we've all seen far too many scary movies involving saws of all kinds. for sure i want to wear protective eye wear before i attempt that again. want to punch a hole in first and see what is in there...hopefully nothing.  you know dead body type stuff.  my life can be strange so all things are possible. 

 work on new bike trails on the Spencer Loop trail system.  should be cool for the bikers out there.

 too many hills for my kind of biking.  i like flat biking.

 so these are just of that trail work

 the assault on immigration and refugees continues.  that Miller guy just looks creepy.  i mean totally creepy, he is so the kind of guy hitler would have loved.  that guy would have totally been running death camps. 

 pups are sleeping. 

 i had debated writing but i guess that movie got me stirred up. 

 it is absolutely horrifying how many kids have been almost systematically abused in the Catholic church system.  other church's have their issues as well, but this is not something a church should excel at...hiding abuses against children. 

 should do more tearing up of the kitchen tomorrow...but i also may head to Hope or Seward. it's been awhile and the pups do love it at the beach in Seward.  i hear the drive is beautiful right now.

 one of our local ski jumps....not for me, no thank you!!

 the Spencer Loop takes you by the little ski place in town. 

 still no moose sightings today either. where are they hiding.

 the wind has been blowing a bit tonight. the sunset was pretty beautiful.  so many clouds. 

 last of the flowers for the season.

 i shall turn in for the night. we shall see what tomorrow brings.

thankful for: A.  that i was spared the worst  B.  that i know a lot of good and decent men who would never do such things...most men are thankfully C.  the media..live  long and keep them honest,even if they rail against you.  your job is vital and appreciated.