weighing in....

 i should be sleeping between shifts.  much on my mind though.  there is just so much happening in our world right now. 

 i feel like this is what happens to our government when conspiracy theorists are allowed into power.  when facts are no longer valid.  now an attempt is being made to put a conspiracy theorist on the highest court. 

 watched the hearing yesterday...was that just yesterday?  such a divided nation.  Ford seemed believable to me.  she really has everything to lose and nothing to gain...unless there is an offshore account somewhere and she will be whisked off to some remote location at some point.  her life has been turned over, she has had death threats made against her.  she is the one asking repeatedly for more investigation in to her allegations. 

 the GOP hired a woman to ask their questions of her, they knew the optics were terrible, they did learn that much from the Anita Hill hearing.  they then started out having this same woman ask Kavanaugh questions, but quickly, i think, saw that this could take a bad turn for them.  they then became an angry mob showering him with praise while condemning the Democrats and screaming.

 i watched Kavanaugh's angry and tearful monologue. if she had behaved as he did she would have been called hysterical, jokes would have circulated about her being "on the rag" or some other such crass response.  as he screamed on and became more and more partisan it occurred to me that no matter what she said, he was showing his true self and his true self does not appear to have the temperament to be on the highest court.  to be on the highest court you need to be able to step away from your partisan view points and look at the law free from politics and your personal beliefs.  you must be able to remain calm in stressful situations.

 i get that he is, like Ford, is under great duress.  that his family and his name have been smeared, but so has hers and she was able to give her testimony.  it also reminds me of their hated HRC and how she sat composed during an 11 hour hearing on Benghazi. you may hate her, I'm not a huge fan, but i remember at the time thinking the GOP had screwed up in that because she had just impressed me with her ability to stay cool under fire.

 what also occurred to me during Kavanaughs testimony was that the sexual assault allegation is maybe not the thing he fears the most.  his friend Judge drank to excess in those days.  i suspect he also was right there with his friend back in those days. there was rage in him yesterday but also great fear.  suddenly, all the alcoholics I've worked with, made me see that perhaps, this is perhaps more about the drinking. 

 they may both be telling the truth as they know it.  he may have just been drinking so much in those days that he simply does not have memory of certain nights.  he seemed to really start to go off the rails when alcohol was brought up.  is that fear i sense in him simply that he doesn't know if he assaulted this woman or others because he has no memory of many of these nights? how many times did he try to brush off his alcohol consumption with "i like beer, i still like beer...."

 there does seem to be some witness to this possibility. 

 it does make it seem more understandable that he wouldn't want further FBI interviews on this line of questioning.  Judge probably remembers nothing of this particular night, he may though recall many nights of forgetting. 

 what horror would it be to have memory of forgetting and then have someone accuse you of doing horrible things while you were in that memory fog.

 these are of the other day at the local beach with the pups.  another cairn memorial to my beloved pups at the beach.

 the senators on the right seem to truly believe that they are being rational but to me they were the hysterical ones.  Durbin, Coons..i think i have those names right.  were calm and articulate.  some of questioning was just silly.  i kept wishing they would focus on the drinking more as i could see that this was the area of weakness for Kavanaugh. 

 i have not drank to the point of having memory lapses but these were boys at frat type gatherings.  as a female i have always been held responsible for preventing the acts of the males around me.  boys/men have always been the ones to get the pass, like they somehow are incapable of controlling themselves. 

 we have to watch what we consume to be sure we are not put in a vulnerable position.  we are to watch our drinks so that men won't sneak drugs in there.  we are to mind what we wear and how we behave so that we do not put the wrong message out to the men around us. 

 from an early age we are told that this is our responsibility.  that if we are attacked, we should have done this or should not have done that.  the men/boys get some sort of pass because for some reason our society deems that they are incapable of controlling their urges.  when i was young i remember a phrase that often came up jokingly..."stop it some more".  it really meant that when a girl says no it may not really be no.

 we are taught to be accommodating. we are taught to ignore the bad behavior of the males in our world.  this starts from a very young age.  from the titty twisters in first grade even. boys looking up our skirts on the playground or snapping our bras. boys will be boys.

 power is a dangerous thing and we must all do what we can to make sure it is not misused.  our nation is not so secure that we can ignore the power grab of one party or another.

 today there was further heated discourse in the Senate.  I'm not sure how we ever put this nation back together again. 

 this little photo op with the dogs was not easy.  i was trying to get one dog on top of the hollow log and another inside it.  it did take some time, but some fun photos came out eventually.

 i have unfriended a few siblings over these politics.  i do wander to their pages from time to time.  today i read an exchange my one brother had with an old classmate of his who has very different views than him.  i sat baffled as i saw how gracious and kind he was to this classmate.  how he could disagree without becoming irate and accusatory with her as he does with me.  in conversations with a cousin she has told me the same, that my two eldest brothers treat her with respect and defend her despite her having views much like my own. 

 i am baffled as i do not understand why i am the object of scorn and disdain, how i am dismissed and disrespected while others are just seen as respected but with just a different view point. 

 is it just that at some point i held the same viewpoints as these brothers but that over time and through experiences my views have changed?  does that somehow make me more of a threat?  is it just that i am the youngest in the family? that somehow being the youngest means that you are never seen as capable of having a valid viewpoint? i have no idea why they are treated with respect and my comments are met with great animosity and deleted.  that my words are then deemed those of a "hyper holier than though" ranter.  am i a "hyper holier than thou ranter"? are my views so far off the rails even though they match my cousins and these friends?  i have no idea. 

 as for this man, who no doubt will be put on the court, i suspect he has his own demons.  i suspect he has had in the past or currently still has some issues with alcohol.  many do. i see it all the time.  many who seem quite capable and hold well respected positions.  they are just as prone as anyone to have issues with alcohol.  as with much in this world, money and power do give you an advantage.  you can hide your sins much more readily if you have money and power.

 i do believe that some of his rage stems from self hate though and the fear that he may have done things during his drunken days of youth that he simply can't recall.

 they have a list of other qualified and less controversial super conservative judges to choose from. why this one?  why are they sticking to tightly to this one?  their last one got through with out any of these allegations.  the dems weren't happy but they also did not have any serious allegations to put forth. 

 this man may, as did Cosby, find that more and more women from those years get the courage to come forward and perhaps he will eventually be found to be unfit for this position at a later date...

 my handyman stopped by yesterday. he's dealing with his parents health issues.  i do hope i am not some jinx in this way...my last handyman also had a parent who became ill...i still have never seen the rest of the little free library that he supposedly built with my cash.  this gentleman does seem to have continued interest in doing my project though and i really appreciated him coming by and giving me demo tips, checking on the current state of the kitchen.  he seems to have confidence in my ability to do this and that was really appreciated.  i have down days where i question myself.

 i have also pondered over the last 24  or so hours how this whole thing may be different if Kavanaugh was a woman.  what if she had drank to excess in her high school and college days?  what would be the difference in how she would be viewed?  would her choices from the past be so easily tossed aside? what if she'd had an abortion at age 14 after a rape or 16 after she became pregnant with a new boyfriend?  would her acts from all those years ago be readily used against her by the right even though so many would have you believe that acts from a teenage boy should not be held against him, no matter who they harmed. what if it came out that she had been the teenage girl who allowed multiple classmates to have sex with her...been the "Renata alumni"?  would this be disqualifying?

 do our actions in our youth disqualify us for future jobs? we all do silly things, embarrassing things, which things should be deemed disqualifying and which should be simply put in the past? i would think much of that would have to be related to whom did our acts harm besides ourselves.

 i think i am seeing news that Trump actually ordered the FBI probe before confirmation.  well done if that is true.  i believe a one week delay is reasonable...this could have already been completed and if there were no hiccups he would have already been confirmed by now...this would have also prevented the circus that is blamed by the GOP solely on the Dems and Media...they never seem to take fault for anything. 

 my cairn was toppled several times by the pups as i attempted to get photos. they will not have me take attention away from their tennis ball time.  i really should get moving, shower and then take them for a walk. 

 i heard the same coughs from Tusker this morning that i heard from Ivy last week.  so i think their kennel coughs are pretty mild. poor pups.

 can any of us imagine what the future holds...with social media so many of these teen antics are posted immediately...of course, that also means thousands and thousands of posts and photo's to go through to get to the truth.  researching events from the 80's is quite a bit more difficult than it will be to research some of these claims of kids who are growing up now.  i for one, am happy my every moment was not documented.  often i do wish i had a few more photo's from when i was a kid, but that has to be balanced with the total lack of privacy this current generation are growing up with. 

 there was a post about all the things men must do to protect themselves from sexual assault compared to what women must do.  again, this is stuff that is ingrained in all females from a very young age.  we learn to be protective to the point that it becomes just this subliminal part of our existence.  men were asked what they do to prevent themselves from being sexually assaulted...i think basically, they usually laugh uncomfortably and say "stay out of jail".  girls were asked the same thing and actions spill forth.

 i do these protective things all the time, i just don't really pay attention to it.  at times i do notice it though and i just shake my head.  there is no age cut off for rape and unwanted sexual advances...even though i am basically undatable at this point in life, i know, i will never be unrape-able.

 yesterday after the hearing ended i decided to take my shower, as i headed upstairs i noticed that i had just checked the locks on the doors in the house before heading up and that i had also swung by a window and took a look out in the neighborhood to see what if anything was going on out there.  i have always made sure that any shower curtain i had i could see through.

 as i walk to and from work i am constantly looking into the areas where someone could hide, I'm paying close attention to those around me, I'm checking the back of my car before i enter it. 

 i do more things on my own than many i know. I'm seen as brave for my independence.  I'm single, i have to. 

 i really should get moving soon. 

 i think i see some sunshine.  i have cleared my head a bit.  i know many just come and look a the pictures and i am totally good with that.  if you have read this far, thank you for listening to me ramble on.  i may be right i may be wrong, but i suspect I'm right sometimes and wrong some times. all we can ask is to be heard, to be allowed to speak and to be respected for our opinions, no matter how much we differ. 

 i see blue skies.  i am trying to have hope for our nation..it is tough on weeks like this. 

 i fear how things will go for this nation when we can't have discussions without them become heated and hate filled.  i see what it has done to the relationships in my family in just this short time. i see the hatred directed at strangers on the internet.  i have been called all sorts of nasty things by people i have never met,who know nothing of me except what they think they know based on a few words. 

 if we could ever just speak and listen to each other we may discover that this is all part of the plan, that our hatred towards each other is the goal for those in power to stay there.  they depend on our hatred, our division.

 kids playing on the mud.  life seemed simple then but it wasn't really.  we were all already making choices about what kind of citizens we would become. 

 peace out....we can shout, we can argue but in the end all we can do is fight where we can and then move forward to the next thing.  none of us can let these things consume us.  i hope truth comes from this and that eventually our nation finds a way home.

grateful for: A.  citizens who care enough to be heard B. our freedoms C. that some of these issues are being brought out and actually discussed.