let freedom ring!!

 

there is a tennis ball in there...you can just see a smidge of green. 

Ivy got the clear from the vet to increase activities back to normal over the next 4 weeks.  she seems to believe it's an all clear immediately.  makes me anxious to have her moving around, but also happy. 

met with vaccinated friends for a walk while Ivy was at the Vets yesterday.  in the end she was so good she did not need any sedation for her 8 week xrays!  saved me several hundred bucks....such a good girl!

i immediately got home with her and Tusker and did the full loop around the bog. she hadn't had any walks that day nor had she eaten. so that was the extent of the exercise for yesterday.  

today we did a short bog walk and then i got her in the car and headed to north bivouac later for a little loop there. so i think one shorter and one longer.  she dragged me a bit so i need to get her harness fit better so i can enjoy the walks more. 

my knee still is not 100% so slipping and sliding while being dragged not the most comfortable.

i did close her in the pen over night so i could sleep and not be freaked...may do that over the next few weeks until i feel more secure with her moving around..it's obviously a me issue and not an ivy issue. 

it was great to be out with friends yesterday. i have felt pretty isolated this year and i know these last weeks i have for sure been isolated with the dog situation.  i have isolated myself as well.

great expectations tend to lead to great disappointment.  

when my Mom was alive we spoke nearly every day.  i loved having that near daily contact with her and i think i have always figured that i have 6 siblings i would surely continue to have some steady family contact, but in truth it has been such a one sided effort and no matter what i do in this world i think i am always in the left the church category.  i just believe more and more that some will never see me otherwise

the efforts have been 90% on my side and often i have been rewarded in my efforts with judgement, assumptions and not always a ton of positivity.  is it me...at this point it probably is.  i mean they all seem to get along great and i am the kryptonite in the family.  so i think i have opted to pare back.  avoid my instinct to reach out because that has mostly gotten me no where. 

i am usually the inviter in life and not the invitee.  it is a disappointment.  i have no idea how to do the social stuff. how to be the one that people want to be around.  my family doesn't even want to be around me.  so i feel i should be grateful for the few people who do want to be around me and do invite me and stop wasting my emotional energy on people who really couldn't be bothered. quality over quantity, right?

i feel like this is the clarity that Covid has brought me. 

i think i always just expected and wanted more.  speaking to family members every week or every few weeks seemed rational to me but i have a family that sees that as every few months or twice a year or every few years as their preferred...it's just been uphill. it's been an emotional challenge trying to bridge the what i think vs what is possible. 

it's made even more frustrating as i feel like in many ways i was very good to them in years past.  helping with their kids when they were young, talking on the phone for hours with one sibling that now treats me with total and absolute disdain.  as i said, i left the church...that is all i am at this point.  the one who left the church.  they never even asked why? i always thought that odd.  it never came up. 

it's easier said than done but at this point i'm trying to just wait and allow them to dictate the amount of contact they want.  

i've called the eldest twice in the last 6 months, pleasant calls but he has never made any return calls and years of unanswered texts.  the next eldest left that nasty, hate fueled message and then sent a Christmas card signed love...

my next brother is and always has been supportive.  we communicate regularly.  my sister....it's still mostly me who makes the calls but i know she has tried more than others have over the years so i appreciate that.  it did take tears to get there.  the other two i was closest to growing up.  hardly hear from the one...a pleasant call once or twice a year and the other...it has always gotten heated.  we were at each others throats as kids so now it's hit and miss.  the politics and covid really put the hammer down on how different we all are at this point. he does seem very concerned with how things appear.  and i do not appear to be any of the things i should be. 

i know many other families have had issues surrounding politics and covid. 

i just have no idea how we ever get back to anything civil or appearing civil at this point.  i have zero desire to do a family gathering, especially after the call. just pretend that didn't happen? but that is my family...pretending.  that is Mormons often from what i see.  the fake it, like all is perfect and hope nobody sees the truth.  so concerned about appearances.  

i certainly have been an embarrassment i guess.  living a normal and actually quite dull non-mormon life. speaking my mind when i felt like it.  horrors. funny is that i am so like Dad in that.  he always stood up for the little guy, always got in trouble for speaking up and speaking out.  it looks better coming from a man i guess. women are not supposed to behave that way.

Ivy has found her way to the couch and the bed upstairs.  

i need to just enjoy her new freedom, which also means my new freedom. i need to busy myself and try to not worry about what the family is doing.  the ones who care will continue to make attempts and those that don't, i have to just learn to be better at walking away from.  find a way to emotionally let it all go. accept the bare minimum they require to call themselves family. 

so strange really.  

we still have a lot of snow here.  so pretty. it will turn into a muddy mess really soon.

it's kind of good that we will have less places to walk over the next month or so.  will prevent me from really over doing it with Ivy. 

looking forward to another summer of little road trips. perhaps i will have a new vehicle at some point.

the dream car would be something like the Ford Expedition...though i worry it will be way too much of a gas suck for regular life. i suspect i will be practical in the end and find something more like a subaru. something i can sleep somewhat uncomfortably in for road trips. 

i still keep trying to figure out what i want.  suv, truck and camper, trailer? van?

the flooring is also one of those battles..what type, what to do with the stairs, the railing? hate making decisions.

i am a freak, but we all are in our own ways i guess. i suppose my freakiness is just more obvious to the others. i'm more nuts than some but less nuts than others.  that is how life is. 

i just never could fake the perfection the Mormon culture seemed to demand.  i never fit in to that culture.  i suppose it makes sense that i could never fit in with the family either since they are so much a part of the culture of Mormonism. 

i have never regretted leaving the church.  i have no regrets for the general way my life has turned out.  things don't always happen exactly how you expect but i feel i have adapted and have found overall peace in the way my life is. living in Alaska, enjoying a simple life with my dogs. 

i have never seen myself as a bad person and so it is disturbing that i have family that see me that way.  

i try to remind myself that often times things are not as much about us as we think.  there is gaslighting...that which makes you believe that you are the crazy one when you are not.  

it's probably more of a one of these things is not like the others and isn't afraid to say it out loud.  

the eldest two i know for sure would have loved to have walked away from the church....they didn't.  you hope that worked for them but i kind of doubt it.  i had the courage to do what they couldn't is probably more the truth...and now i pay for it.  how dare i not be smitten, struck by lightning. how dare i live a simple and yet decent life.  i'm supposed to be a drunk or drug addict or be in jail or living on the streets i guess.  that would make them more comfortable i guess.

loved LS eyebrows in this snowfall.

the morning sunrise is happening much earlier and the sunset is happening later. 

before the sun comes up it will be negative 5 and after it will warm up into the 20's.  with the increased light we will see the snow start to melt pretty quickly.  the road crew came along this morning and made the road wider, which is nice. 

i stopped filling in the daily Ivy log as of Monday.  want to make a conscious effort to try and get back to some normalcy.  when can we head down to Homer? i should make reservations for an escape!

the refi is finally complete. the notary came here for the signatures.  she wore no mask and once inside asked if i wanted to her wear one.  i asked if she was vaccinated.  she is not and seemed against getting one for various reasons...she doesn't want to be a lab rat..i pointed out that millions have already gotten them so hardly a lab rat at this point.  and then it was one person who was pregnant lost her baby...to which i pointed out you can't believe everything on the internet but also if i million people get or don't get a vaccine there will be a percent that either die or have a miscarriage and it is doubtful that it is related. then lastly she said, we do not know the long term effects.

i'm more concerned with how long the effects will last not over long term effects. no long term effects from any vaccines i've received nor have i heard of any...bottom line was that she won't be getting a vaccine.  she did wear one after i said yes, since she wasn't vaccinated she should wear a mask since i work closely with covid patients for her own protection....to which she responded that she is not worried. 

i wiped down everything she touched. 

but on the plus side i now have a nice low interest rate, the last bit of the kitchen remodel costs will be wrapped up in that lower interest rate and i will have a lower mortgage payment now...

car, flooring and /or hot tub.  i can begin to dream and force myself into a decision. 

the hot tub keeps getting bumped up in my dream list....of course, that would probably mean a deck update as well....nothing is easy.  

well, better go feed those pups.  trying to feed her in the old spot by Tusker.  figure i'll use up the last of the CBD oil. supposed to have anti-inflammatory benefits which may help her right leg. hope i did not bore you with my whining and complaining.  writing is always a good way for me to clear thing out of my head and sort them out.  life is a process.  i gain some i fail some. 

thankful for: A.  those who take the time to get to know me and do not run from me in fear  B.  that Ivy has been given the clear and is healing well so far. C. longer, warm days.