the beat goes on....

entering week 6 post op.  so far she seems to be doing great!  she wants to be moving faster and further.

have been doing 3 walks with both dogs 3 x daily.  could/should add in additional longer walk with Tusker but mostly i just don't.  that is at least 45 minutes of dog walking as it is.  

i'm beat.  the knee is improving more and more but still has some tweaky bits to deal with.  saving myself for work and the walks really.

hopefully soon things will start to get back to normal.  getting anxious for the increased walks and change in schedule again since we have a rhythm going right now that seems to work. 

the dogs next door had found a place to get over the top of the fence and bark down at Ivy.  it was getting her amp'd up.  was able to ask my neighbor to find a way to block that section...so far it looks like she may have.  

we are up to a short loop in Baxter Bog.  last night there was one off leash/unattended dog to contend with and another dog with it's owners.  at the end of the walk Ivy does make a bee line for her indoor kennel for a rest. 

worked my three nights.  ICU night one.  where i had the open admit bed and it never got filled.  night two i was a sitter in Peds and night three i was on call and was called back in at around 2 am for an ICU admit.  only got one though so that wasn't too bad either 

strange to see a young person make such a serious attempt on their lives.  when i was 10-11 i had a diary. i was writing that i wouldn't be missed if i died.  i was writing that i wasn't loved and/or that other kids were more loved.  i cried myself to sleep many nights. i also wrote notes for my mom saying these things and put them in a stuffed bear on her bed.  she would come in on those nights and tell me she loved me.  

that was the extent of that.  funny looking back. i don't think my parents were terrible.  i think they did love us and they did try their best.  parenting is not something anyone could possible get 100% right so i don't expect that. we all have things from our youth that we have to deal with.  if you say anything negative though it's assumed that you hate your parents or think they did terrible. i don't. i think it was a different time and mental health issues were just not something anyone knew what to do...or behavior issues.  

it gets in to my theories that we have not evolved emotionally at the rate that the industrial revolution requires.  there are just these emotional/behavior issues that just did not exist 100 years ago.  mostly because we were still very busy mentally dealing with the tasks of food/water/shelter. now much of those issues are fairly secure and it's difficult for us all to deal with the bigger issues of free time and space. 

my parents didn't fail they just had no idea what to do with a child that was somewhat depressed.  they also didn't know what to do with a child that was probably borderline hyperactive as my brother was. i remember him rocking in his bed at night literally banging his head against the headboard.  he teased me a great deal.. there are just things you understand in a big picture way when you are an adult that you couldn't possible see as a child so i do not blame my parents or curse them when i simply point out the truth of how things were. accepting the past and then moving forward is part of adulting in my mind. i think he just had a lot of energy that he had no clue what to do with. teasing me was just how he released that energy. or one way he did. 

now kids are on the computers more and have even more energy they aren't releasing. i guess we sat in front of the tv more than previous generations, especially after my mom started working full time.  now the computers and games on the computers limit actual activity even more, unless parents can find ways to keep their kids otherwise engaged. i can't imagine.

thankfully, without the internet and other access to information i really had no idea what depression was or suicide for that matter.  one wonders what i may have done if i had understood it.  i doubt i would have done anything super damaging, but i do recall learning about a girl who lost weight by vomiting and taking laxatives.  without information  about that potentially being damaging to me i did actually purchase laxatives. fear preventing me from taking that path though and the laxatives remained hidden in my dresser drawer.  as a kid the fear that i would crap my pants at school seemed like it would be far more detrimental than being overweight. kids are very prone to suggestion though is my point. i didn't have a real understanding of suicide so perhaps that was saving for me. 

were my parents kind of done raising kids, yes, they were overwhelmed with expenses at that point and my Grandpa came to live with us, and grandkids were being born.  they were moving on to their next stage in life....i know that doesn't mean i wasn't actually loved and that i never had any parental support. it also doesn't mean i had some horrible childhood.  it just means what it means...they were otherwise engaged and not as available as perhaps i may have needed them to be. 

many would have me pretend life was a dream.  that is the way it should be...we all pretend to have perfect lives....but we grow and we become who we are by the obstacles in our lives.  i became independent...some times too much so.  being overly independent is a way to avoid getting hurt.  

it is a way to avoid being vulnerable. 

in between shifts i did wake up to an earthquake one day.  i must have been in a pretty good sleep but it woke me anyway...turns out it was a 5.3 so that would wake a girl up.  

i rolled over after and was back to sleep almost immediately. 

expectations are also a killer for me.  it's a learning process figuring out the limits of family in my case.  since i am alone i think i had hoped that my siblings would step up and be more of a part of my family. i've had to let that go. in many situations they weren't just absent there was animosity.  when you have limited time to interact it's difficult when there are all these flash points. 

sometimes in lives our friends become our family.  it's strange and i admit it's difficult for me to trust but i have friends who actually really like me as a person.  who accept me for who i am.  who do not have unrealistic expectations or disappointments surrounding who i have become.  

at times it was hard for me to accept this acceptance.  at work people respect me.  i wish i felt that level of respect and acceptance from all my siblings but i doubt i will ever have that.  mostly, i feel i have been tolerated by several and at this point there are a few who do not mind showing their pure disdain.  

love this look up this tree.  nature is home.  it's a place of absolute peace.  it is good to be outside walking again. 

Ivy wonders why those dogs are barking at her.

hopefully, not too long before i can get back out more in nature

haven't got much planned for this summer.  will just enjoy the places i can drive to like i did last summer. see what i can see.  

maybe i can attempt a trek to Boston to see my brother before he moves back to CA. 

get a few more states under my belt. 

will need to seriously think about a newer car to get out there with.  the element is pretty beat up. 

Ivy gets some visitors

play time with the cats.

bought some new interactive toys for Ivy. she is a smart girl and had this one licked before it dropped in front of her.  i have given her a few tennis balls in the pen.  

she's trying to use the dog door and the other morning she tried to grab a tennis ball before we headed out in the yard. not yet girl

i will always love my family.  it just makes me sad that there will always be those hurdles that can't be leapt over.  i am happy i have followed my path and where it has led me...that has created a divide though.  i left what they believe true and you really just can never mend that.  my leaving is  screaming in their faces that i think what they believe is wrong...there is really no way around that. 

you just want people to be happy really i guess.  as i believed as a kid there is a bit of me that knows their happiness would be more complete if their sister that left the church wasn't there as that reminder.  

it's a stale mate though.  i won't be returning so i will always just stand as that reminder of someone who was raised with their beliefs but walked away.  the difference between myself and my gay brother is that i rejected what they hold as true and my brother was rejected by it.  a much more forgivable scenario i think. 

perhaps i will post some pictures from last year so you don't get too bored with the furs...that is the life at the moment though.  will walk the dogs in a bit and then the big outing for the day will be the grocery store.  

my goals are small these days.  

i feel more happy and more back in control these days.  

those first weeks post op were stressful.  this year has been stressful. the politics and the virus have further divided the world i live in.  

does make me more and more grateful for the family we find.  both in friends and in furs.  i have a branch of family who does accept me i think and i need to find ways to cling to those and just release the expectations for the others.  good to have a large family in that there are options.

most will keep trying, some won't and some never did.  it's just a matter of recognizing and moving.

 thankful for A.  no ice  B.  those who accept me and actually like me despite my many flaws. C. the healing of both Ivy and myself. we are getting there.