Covid Road Kill...

 

that is what i am calling the current situation these days.  our ICU is full of Covid Road Kill, just waiting at the side of the road to be picked up and taken away.  we are understaffed and are currently taking 3 patient assignments.  

in the past there was the occasional 3 patient assignment but that generally included one heavier ICU patient and maybe two lighter ones...these are all heavy and very ill patients.  gravely ill as they say. 

working as an ICU nurse is a dance with all the drips and monitoring closely for nuanced changes.  when you have 3 very ill patients...it just becomes a madness of making sure the drips are kept running and the most basic cares are given. you quickly lose the ability to monitor for those nuanced changes and react to them.  we are sinking.  the sad thing is that other patients, who are not covid also suffer and risk death because there is no possible way to properly care for them with all this madness. 

our unit is currently 20 covid/covid no longer infectious but not improved and a small handful of non-covid related issues. we had one section that was for the active covid patients and they had to open another section. a good third of the patients are proned. 

one dies, another gets intubated.  it's a revolving door of death it seems. 

i had two nights of triples, day shift was all triples except one pair that had a balloon pump doubled...those are usually 1:1 patient loads. last week one nurse had two balloons.  these are unsafe numbers.

one underlying fear is the powers that be will eventually say, hell those nurses survived okay having 3 patients we should make that the new normal.  

FEMA was supposedly sending staff, they were supposed to arrive today.  that isn't happening, not sure when or if that will happen.  perhaps after the worst of this passes us...i suspect we aren't near the worst of it yet, but who knows.

i've had some pretty bad shifts over the years, where you felt overwhelmed...but move over every one of those shifts. usually there were others who weren't overwhelmed around you and they could at least try and help you with your load.  with everyone having triples and incredibly ill patients, it becomes nearly impossible to help each other.  our poor charges are running around without a chance of keeping up with all the fires that need putting out. they have added stress of knowing there are more patients in the ER waiting to come here and we have to send people out of the unit asap to put others in....this just means that many are sent out too early and wind up back trying to get a bed, re-intubated.

you run off to quickly pee and you are now leaving your co-worker with 6 critically ill patients. 

i bought a few pizzas Saturday night...i suspect many of us will come to hate pizza in some ways as it is basically the main food we eat these days. it's easy. those who grabbed a slice were grateful. the Doc grabbed a slice after we had to un-prone one patient to re-intubate and before he headed off to bronch another and then intubate another from the floor.  each death is replaced with another critically ill person.  death is all around us. 

it's distressing knowing most of these people you are working your ass off on will not survive anyway.  

also distressing that much of this could have been avoided if these people had gotten vaccinated. it's a rare person who was vaccinated and in this situation. you tend to save what little empathy you have for the vaccinated and those who just are unlucky enough to have had a real medical emergency in the middle of a pandemic. 

for those who refuse to vaccinate and scream about wearing masks/social distancing and all that...you are not freedom fighters, you are assholes. 

we were told that we have the support of administration if family is being rude and abusive to inform them this is not acceptable and hang up.  apparently, there have been family members attempting to dictate the cares and insist on things like ivermectin.

families who apparently hate their grandparents and insist on everything being done over allowing any sort of peaceful transition to the next life. covid road kill....

it's distressing and depressing to put bodies through all this knowing that the outcome is dire. knowing as well that there are others who deserve our attention and we are divided taking care of those who will not likely survive. 

it's exhausting.  i slept after my shift last night.  i did wake up for a bit, showered and dressed and ready to get the day started. i threw the tennis ball outside for the dogs and ate and then felt so drained i went back to bed and slept until 10 pm i think.  i was awake until 2 am and then slept again until almost 10 am. 

when i woke yesterday i just started to cry.  no reason really, i think i just needed to cry, to release all the emotions that get kept bottled up

i am again dressed and ready to take the dogs for a walk.  deciding where at this time.  the tide is going out so i may head to the beach with them, then drive a bit.  

there is some snow out there.  a bear was getting in the trash last week so i put a bungee cord on my trash last night. got a note from the trash company not happy with that i guess. 

walked with a friend out N bivouac the other day.  there was a crew there.  a moose had been killed by a grizzly and they were assessing the situation.  we walked anyway and as we neared the trailhead the crew had found the dead moose...right off the main trail and within a few hundred feet of the trail head.  they opted to remove the carcass...way too close to the trail/trailhead.  of course, i'll avoid the area for a bit...i'm guessing that grizzly will not be too happy finding his kill stolen.  

braved the dog park the day before.  apparently there it was the otters who ganged up and were attacking dogs and a dog owner as well

we avoided the lake and the otters.  

found a rock that was covered with butterflies.  it was done by a 10 year old.  

it's all gone wrong. it's all a mess.  it's so strange.  we are at work in this covid kill zone of craziness and yet when you leave the hospital everyone is out living their lives like nothing is happening.  they are taking their kids to soccer and eating out....it's shocking really. 

our reality in the hospital is not their reality.  

3 shifts and then hopefully i will get my covid booster on Friday.  not excited to be feeling crappy on my days off but becoming more and more anxious that i will fall to this dreaded disease.

if this madness was happening in pediatrics there would be an increased risk of suicides among healthcare workers. it's one thing watching adults die, knowing they could have possibly prevented it themselves, it would be a whole other thing having to deal with this level of death in kids...polio impacted so many kids...it probably did make it easier to get people on board with vaccinations.

oddly, it's often the same fools who scream about the lives of the fetuses and abortion who could give a crap about the lives of all these people dying of covid. it's all bull anyway.  we all knew they don't really care about the lives of these fetuses...it's an easy thing to act like you care about.  truth is if they really cared about decreasing abortions they would be happy to use tax dollars to support the poor, to support education, including sex ed and to support birth control.  these things all decrease the rates of abortions but they refuse to support any of them

further proof of their lack of caring for their fellow humans is the fact that they refuse to put money into all the kids who are already here.  our foster system is grossly underfunded and those kids are often put through hell.  they have selected to fight for fetuses and ignore all other lives.  it's bull. 

with their anti vax and anti mask stances it's clear they could care less who gets sick and/or dies.  

i am angry, yes.  i am expected to work my ass off in an impossible situation for people who are not only not appreciative but are clueless and selfish. they refuse a vaccine because the fda hadn't approved it yet will happily take other things not approved. they hate the fda as a government agency and yet when they are sick they will take the medications that the fda recommends.  if they were really this politically dedicated why even bother to come to the hospital.  

i loved this one meme.  it showed how people will call healthcare workers heroes while holding a knife primed to stab them in the back.  we are called liars for telling them the truth they do not wish to hear. 

it's a no win situation.  

between shifts....laundry and dishes.  it was a little late to vacuum last night at 1 am.  perhaps i'll get to that today. 

the pets are my motivation and my therapy.  still it's not an easy thing.  you are scared to get this horrible thing you are fighting. despite that, we see many around us that are getting sick.  not hospitalized but sick.  it's a crap shoot...will you have a mild case or will you die. i'm not wanting to risk it.  i like living.  

i like these furry buddies of mine and i want to be here taking care of them and hanging out with them. 

it is a bit disheartening knowing they are paying major dollars to bring us help without really giving us anything.  we are happy for the help but also feel undervalued ourselves...i said the least they could do is hand out coupons for meals in the cafeteria but they don't even do that...so i got two coupons. haha. 

the travelers get big bonuses and we got $1000.  you hate to bitch but really?  

i'm so thrilled that i am nearing the end of my career and not at the beginning.  starting in this pandemic...baptism by fire for sure.

so today is much better than yesterday. i am resilient. i'm no super hero.  i'm also no angel but no devil either. i'm just a mortal attempting to get through an impossible working environment one day at a time.  one death at a time. 

it's not enough death for those who are trump cult followers. it's never enough death for them it seems. selfish pricks they are.  until it directly impacts them fuck the rest of the world.  then when it does impact them...they want magic cures. 

they are the victims of conspiracies. at some point we are all responsible for our own life choices.  they have chosen to buy into a bunch of ridiculous lies and they are responsible for that.  they are also responsible for all these deaths.  this could have gone differently if they hadn't dug in on their ridiculous claims we would not be here.  the right is the cause of death in many of these cases.  imagine...a political party killing off their own followers one by one to uphold the house of lies.

feels like a normal day and it's beautiful out there so i better go refill my tired and beaten soul so i am ready to face it all again.  

this stretch was one night in the ER and two nights of triples in the ICU. 

you can't look back and you can't look forward you must deal with what each day brings, good or bad.  that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...unless you get super sick with covid.  even if it doesn't kill you, it majorly weakens you until months later perhaps you do die.

thankful for: A. those who offer support and check in on me.  B. my amazing co-workers past and present.  for the present ones...hang in there.  i'll try to hang in as well.  C. the animals i share my life with...they make life real and motivate me when i have zero motivation and they are a constant force of happiness and positivity.