and then my heart was broken and my boy was gone...

he came home sunday night.  two vets had called through the day/evening saying he looked great and was eating well. he did look great and was eating well....but late in the afternoon Monday he began looking away from food and looked uncomfortable.  something had dramatically changed. he did get to ride in the front seat of the new car on his last weekend on earth. 

i called the vets and they requested I bring him in for an US.  there was a great deal of fluid in the abdomen cavity and on cytology there were some bacterial cells noted.  peritonitis was coming on.  Tusker looked weak and frail.  on the drive to the vets i had promised him i wouldn't make him suffer through another surgery if the first one had failed.

while i waited for the cytology results i sat on the floor with Tusker.  he leaned his head into my neck.  he was so weak and could barely stand but he leaned into me for over 10 minutes and i could tell he was done fighting this and just wanted me to protect him. he trusted me. i helped him sit down and he then draped himself on me.  he remained there as the vet came in and spoke to me about the options.  i had over an hour with just he and I.  i spoke to him, reminded him of all the wonderful things we had enjoyed together.  laughed about how the cats would miss him but perhaps not competing with him for their laser light and toys. it is time i will always cherish.  pure love between human and dog.  

basically the option was hospitalizations, serial cytology to watch for advancing infection, no doubt surgery again in a matter of hours.  she said she believed he could survive surgery, but in my head i wondered if he should.  how much more was i willing to put him through on the possibility he could make it to the other end.  you always have to ask are you doing this for him or are you doing it for you, because life without him seems impossible. the what if side just seemed to daunting. he seemed to be dying in my lap. how would he fare with another surgery, even if it wasn't leaking from the anastomosis site, a clean out, extended hospitalization....it's just not stuff you can explain to a dog. 

everyone likes to say that yes it's expensive but money doesn't play into it all, but it does, you do have to consider it.  it was going to be the entire cost i paid for the first surgery all over again plus more due to extensive recovery and at the other end we still don't know how he would fare or if the original biopsies would turn up cancer. 

mostly you have to choose your own emotional suffering and loss over his physical suffering. you want someone to make things so clear you will never have any guilt or second thoughts about your decision, but that is not how it is all the time.  i will always wonder and question this decision.  i really am gutted to have him not here with me, but you have to listen to reason and you have to think of the dog and from the dogs perspective. the vet spoke of one dog who had ended up in surgery 3 x but had recovered...that didn't sound promising to me, it sounded cruel. 

i work in humans.  we do not have the option of just ending misery.  so we put some poor humans through some horrific stuff.  there are things worse than death.  it's not an easy concept to accept when the dog you love is looking into your eyes and you are dreading life without them. 

at home he would get up and go out in the yard and just started standing there, it was freezing out.  i had hoped that maybe we needed better pain control. the vet later said he just didn't look at all like the dog that had left the day before. 

thankful to my friend CR, who is a vet in CA.  who helped talk me through it.  nobody can make the final decision but you and once you do you are overwhelmed by the knowledge of the loss that is coming.  in my heart i knew it was the kindest thing, but also was going to be so difficult. 

i love this dog.  it wasn't fair that he didn't get to live more than 5 years, that this happened to him.  i am gutted and heartbroken over the loss of those times we will never get to have because of this.  

i decided his suffering had to end, while accepting that mine would now begin. 

they kindly just allowed him to lay draped on me while we did the paperwork, paid the bill and the techs put in the iv.  he was so comfortable there i didn't want him to have to move again. 

so many tears have been shed over the past 24 hours.   it comes in waves.  when i first pulled my car out after letting him pass away i began to scream. angry at the loss, frustrated at the unfairness, i screamed over and over, "it's not fair" and then i just cried and screamed the entire drive home. 

i slept off and on through the night last night, awakening and crying again.  

how do i help Ivy understand what has happened.  she for sure seems off today.  hanging close to me, quieter than normal.  is that because she knows he's gone or just because she knows i'm not right.  

i let people know what happened so i had texts and calls.  pretty flowers from a AR, thank you and my niece sent me some baked snacks and a drink from Starbucks...thank you SH.  that cookie was my lunch. woke early of course, as i'd been waking up all night. i'd stay up a bit, cry and then fall back to sleep. 

i think  a part of me knew this was dire when i first noticed how much weight he had lost so quickly.  that is never a good sign in a dog. 

this weekend totally drained me emotionally and physically.  i will never be okay with him being gone or with the choice i had to make.  there are so many things when you lose a dog that gut you over and over.  only one dog jumped out for the walk today.  the one leash i carried felt so much lighter than the two i used to carry.  for Ivy there was no competition for the tennis ball.  her protector wasn't there.  she depends on him.  he was our rock.  he was always so confident and sweet.  she would hand the tennis ball over if another dog came near. not sure how this will impact her yet. by this evening i could tell it was impacting her. 

i have depended on him emotionally with this pandemic and the extra stress so it just adds to the lose.  he's like my therapy dog emotionally...and now he is gone.  seems cruel time to take him from us all. it's all emotional land mines these first weeks. feeding one dog, not having him snuggled in the bed.  filling out paperwork for dog insurance, calling regular vet to let him know Tusker is gone and that i no longer need the vet appointment.  there is the food i bought to entice him to eat, guess i can give away the baby food, must be a charity that will take food, especially at Christmas time. in the spring i will find that one pile of frozen vomit and the diarrhea.  cooked a meal tonight with some of the hamburger i bought to cook for him. the burger meat i had cooked for him, i heated and added to Ivy's dinner tonight. 

you would think i would be better at the dog deaths as i've survived so many but in truth they get more difficult, more emotional. maybe as i get older i depend on these beautiful animals more and more emotionally so it's just more devastating for me to be without them.  maybe i just have memory of how hard it was to carry on without them.  each dog has so many of their own unique qualities.  i miss them each differently.  Tusker was the sweetest guy.  he was a snuggler.  he was a charmer.  he was a jokester.  he was lazy in adorable ways. he made us laugh with his antics.  he was forgiven anything and all because of his charm. 

this is all over.  sorry.  my brain is still pretty scattered and i'm still nowhere near okay. Tusker was a great dog and we had so many wonderful times together.  he will be missed so much.  

dogs are one of the greatest gifts God gave to humans.  i feel blessed and honored to have had so many amazing dogs share my life with me.  they have been there when i am happy and sad. they have seen me at my best and worst and they have accepted me as i am and even loved me and adored me. they lift me up, they make me laugh, they bring me peace and joy and they inspire and encourage me. today Ivy Rose got me up and showered and out for a walk.  

i'm grateful that i'm allowed to share these sweet lives. i for sure get more out of it then they do. they are worth every penny i spend and every moment we are together. my life would be darker and lonely without them.  the wags and leans when i get home.  the companionship on walks. we have had so many adventures together. 

as painful and difficult as the decision is to let them go i never regret the decision to welcome them into my life. the decision to spend hours training them.  i never regret the hair, the time the effort. having dogs is not easy all the time.  it takes a lot of time and attention.  you do give up things for them but no regret here because i have always gotten far more from the relationship than i have ever put into it. 

it was a joy and an honor to be the human in Tuskers life.  it was horrible and painful to let him go. i will cherish those last moments we had together, just he and I. no matter all the other things that make me question the decision i knew in those moments between him and I, that he was ready to be released. i don't claim to know what happens to dogs or any of us in the next world, or if there is even one.  i like to believe there is another place where our spirits go.  a happy and beautiful place where there is no pain.  i want to believe that Tusker will check on us down here on earth from time to time. watch over us all as the other dogs that have shared my life do. i hope that one day i will be greeted by all the beautiful pets who have shared my life again.  i hope and pray he forgives me for my failures and remembers all the good times we shared. i hope his time with me was filled with comfort and joy. i hope i did right by him.  i wish i had a crystal ball and could know if my decision was absolutely the right one.  it was the right one in the moment.  i had to look at all the information i had and chose what was best for Tusker and not what was best for me. i'd keep him forever. that wouldn't be fair to him though. 

it's not fair, it will never feel fair. he was too young to have this awful thing happen. i will try to cherish all the memories we shared together and try not to allow myself to ruminate on these last few days. they are really just a brief part of our short but beautiful history together. he is once again free to chase the bald eagles, squirrels and rabbits.  hopefully there are laser lights there as well for him to chase or maybe now the lights he chases will be the aurora.  i will miss his beautiful hair and sweet, soulful eyes.  his kind nature and his love of life. mostly i will miss the relationship we forged, the love between human and dog.  rest in peace my sweet boy, life will never be the same without you.  my life was made so much better because of you though. i'm sorry i had to let you go, i love you now and always.