trying to walk through the grief....

 

doesn't seem to be working really, but i know eventually i will move through this. 

Ivy is good at pushing me forward as are the cats.  she did have diarrhea all day yesterday.  this caused increased anxiety. is it happening again? is there something wrong with her? will i lose her too? hopefully she is just off and it's showing itself in this way.  she has also eaten foods she doesn't normally. feeding her the leftover stuff i had bought to entice Tusker.  some meat i bought but couldn't bring myself to eat.  i probably caused her gut to be off kilter. 

have been painting some memorial rocks and the other day i took some ashes from dogs i've lost in the past and did the same design in the snow.  wasn't sure i could pull it off but it turned out well. 

many have been checking in on me, which i am so grateful for. GT came by with dinner the other day and the same time my friend LS stopped by with a Christmas tree after i told her i'd attempted to get one and the place said they were out all over town. she found me one. the tree does brighten up the place a bit to help lift my sadness. walked with JH and her husband yesterday. so many notes of kindness and acts of kindness. all have been greatly appreciated. my regular vet got the records from the other vets and took the time to call me and reassure me that i had made the right decision.  

the waves of tears have lessened and now it's more of a disbelief and profound sadness. 

a strange part of me thinks maybe i can just go on the internet and order myself a new Tusker.  he'll be here in 3-5 days. that is how our world with the internet is.  everything seems replaceable. we have gotten used to just replacing lost or broken items so easily by clicking a few buttons. 

there are some losses that are not recoverable, not replaceable. he is gone. i wake hoping he will be, once again, at the foot of my bed. 

i'm doing the things that must be done. the insurance is sent off, a bag of goodies dropped for the crew at the first clinic.  his bowls are washed. blankets being washed. the unsused medication put up to be dealt with later. his leash and collar still hang in their spots. i only have so much energy each day it seems to complete a few tasks before i want to curl up in a ball and escape the truth of this, that he is gone. 

the cats are spatting more, is it just the change in the balance of things at the house. 

no longer is there food scattered across the living room.  Tusker always picked up his food bowl and dragged it to the other room to eat. the laser light sits idle, a favorite of his. 

we are all just trying to find our way into this new normal.  a normal we do not want.  i want Tusker back. 

my brain feels foggy, i feel numb. i called off work because i just have been too unfocused and sad to take care of critical ill humans right now. i'll have to return next week of course.  the pain won't be gone but hopefully, i will be a little better at moving forward. i'll get through with help and support from my co-workers.  many of whom have and have lost dogs themselves so they know exactly the pain of it all.

each dog has it's own unique personality.  he was always the old soul, those kind, sweet eyes.  the leaner and snuggler.  Ivy tried last night. she climbed on my lap...and like she did as a puppy, she was all legs and craziness.  it's what i love about her. they were so different but from the same litter. 

here it is after noon and i'm still trying to get my day started.  still wading through the grief and loss of it all.  the disbelief is with me always. i have to constantly remind myself this is true, it did happen, Tusker is gone. i can't order a replacement or will him back into our lives.

hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight.  be they furry or human.  you never know when partings will happen. i do take comfort that our last hours together were tender and loving times.