getting through the holidays...

 

that is all you have to do sometimes.  take the steps and walk through it, knowing you will get to the other side of it all. 

i survived my 3 shifts at work. no on calls this week.  happy i took those days off.  i was still a bit of an emotional mess this week. 

i have always believed that our bodies protect us from the worst of our stress and pain initially and then it releases it as we are more able to bear it all. all three nights at work i could feel my heart skipping beats.  was busy enough until the 3rd night that i wasn't able to connect myself to a monitor.  PVC's.  coming from a single spot on the lower part of my heart it appears.  unifocal as we call it. 

i worked ICU, then ER and lastly the cardiac ICU. none of them were especially stressful but i had waves of anxiety.  anxiety can bring on ectopy.  i'll contact my doctor but they ectopy was much less the last night.  i took some anti anxiety medication when i woke up and that did seem to lessen the amount.  

Rio turns the tv off and on and i guess Tusker really has taken a piece of my heart and has a hold of it for the moment. i have asked my sweet pup to find another way to be a part of my heart as i'm not keen on the pvc's. 

Ivy does seem to be moving forward. she just needs me to get back to normal.  

Tusker was such a friendly and beautiful dog, he was always the first to get attention from anyone we met on the trail. he was just so naturally socially. Ivy, like me is more socially awkward. it's been funny to watch these past few days that on the trails she is getting the attention she never got before.  people are saying what a beautiful dog she is...that was always Tusker.

Christmas...well, it started a bit rough for me.  when i opened social media a memory popped up.  it was a video of both dogs opening their presents last year.  a wave of sorrow swept over me and i just rolled over and slept again for a few more hours. 

i have managed walks most days so that has been good for Ivy and for me. 

this day we had a beautiful sunset.

we hit the bog between shifts. dog park, bicentenial and ruths. a little of every thing

Christmas Eve day this package arrived with candy canes taped to it. turned out to be a little necklace i'd had made with Tusker on it. 

i picked up his ashes...they forgot about me and kept me waiting.  a bit of a meltdown watching dog after dog happily leave with their owners.  also some anger brewing that i was being kept waiting...my dog got worse after his treatment is the truth.  he got peritonitis after surgery.  he went in more healthy than he left.  i said in one post i was trying to figure out the lesson in all this.  one Vet friend said, there is no lesson it's just tragic.  it is tragic.  

i don't know if i could have waited or pushed for a surgeon i knew or could have felt i trusted more.  i do know that in that moment, i made the right decision for my sweet boy and i can't what if myself too much about it all.  i will have to find a way to be okay with it all and move forward. he didn't suffer long at all so there is that.  he also didn't pass away in a cage all alone, we were together.  i also didn't choose to put him through more and more surgeries with unknown outcomes.  

it has been painful.  just the shock of it, the youth of him.  i think also just how much i have come to depend on my dogs as emotional support.  is it just covid or general aging and being single.  not sure. 

i do know he was one wonderful dog and i have so many amazing memories with him.  i think it's hard to separate them out...they came as a pair.  i'm needing to learn to see Ivy as Ivy.  

she tries to comfort me.  snuggling was never her strongest talent...but she has tried.  last night she crawled on top of me on the couch and we had some nice snuggle time. i think she will adapt well to being without him.  

we learn so much from our dogs. even lessons on loss and carrying on.  

a fellow rocker out at Ruths made this rock for me.  got me out of bed and moving quickly as i feared it would be snagged.  there have been a lot of newbies out on those trails and they don't know the trail etiquette out there.  i had suspected several were coming to the park with zero rocks and leaving with pockets of rocks.  there have been some posts that bear that out. it will balance out eventually. they will get bored once they have taken all the rocks and new rocks do not magically appear at the rate they had.  hopefully, the little park gets back to some balance. super nice of her to create this for me...someone she has never met. 

i've also been doing some rock painting.  rainbow rocks or just adding a dog silhouettes to other scenery rocks. 

made this one to add to my neighbors little gift bag.  i'm slowly working on some Christmas stuff as everything just stopped when Tusker was sick. she lost her rabbit a few weeks before i lost Tusker and i had wanted to paint her a rock. 

i've tried to do some of the usual things to keep some of the Christmas spirit alive. i did eventually wrap up some gifts and let Ivy open them. i think it was closer to 10pm but thankfully, dogs are not clear on times or holidays or things. Ivy was always the better of the opener.  

it also appears she is the one that moves the boots around...unless Tusker is moving things around as his way of showing me he is still with us. i haven't actually seen her move things...and i did used to see him move them.  hmm....also things still moved when Ivy was confined after her surgery. may never have that answer.  

you just never know what spirit does.  be it dog or human.  dogs are always welcome to return here though. i'd actually love it if they all wandered through from time to time.  i have left some ashes out there a few times these past weeks.  just got Tuskers back but haven't added his to the mix yet. 

friends and family have been kind.  have gotten calls, texts, flowers, this sweet ornament.  cookies....a lot of support and encouragement.  i am grateful for all of it.  this has hit me much harder than i think even i realized.  i can't say i've ever had ectopy like this before with stress, but i am older. 

this below was on our Christmas day walk. 

just strange to do things with just the one pup...as i said they were a pair...it will take me some time to get used to the single pup thing.  i call him or just say here puppies.  i look for him in the mornings, especially when i come home from work.  

they each had their own little Christmas hats so seemed fitting to put his in this photo.  i have kept it..i didn't leave it out there. 

one last Christmas picture as together as it gets.

their Birthday will come soon as well.  another emotional land mine i guess. time does pass and you do adapt to the life that evolves. always missing those pups that shared your life.  i've really had some amazing dogs in my life. 

Ivy happily opened her presents.  i had already bought gifts for both dogs before i knew he was sick.  so yes, another little emotional land mine.  

his paw print is sitting here at the desk.  it still has some of his hairs on it. i brushed ivy the other day and started to pull the hair out to toss...but it also had Tuskers hair.  maybe i can send these and a bag of hair i had saved previously to the woman who made the Blossom hat.  get her to make me another one with a blend of their fur...it was always mixed together in life...i guess it should be in the hat.  

i'll add it to the list.  

the cats have fought a bit more of late.  anytime you lose or add an animal to your house hold there is some changes and adjustments for all of the animals.  they will all find their new place in the house eventually.  i will as well. Blossom devastated me as well, in a different way.  eventually the pain eased and i worked through it. 

actually baked some cookies tonight. really haven't done much of the usual holiday stuff or done it but muted...last year it was Covid, this year it was Tusker.  

a big tornado hit before Christmas in the south/midwest.  killed quite a few. i heard they found the body of a 13 year old girl.  keeps things in perspective.  not that it makes my personal loss less for me, but there is pain out there all over and it's good to remember how many suffer during the holidays...the losses that linger.  

we all just have to find our way back...find a balance between the loss and the life we still have ahead.  

i have watched a lot of the Christmas movies.  fell asleep through many. a lot of sleeping.  depression/anxiety.  

i did have a few invites so i did get out to a friends for Christmas Day dinner.  thanks again...so much kindness through these past weeks...i've been very blessed with amazing and kind people in my life. 

i have a few more days off of work before i head back again. 

the to do list only grew these past weeks as i managed to accomplish very little. 

bills paid for the day.  dishes done...life goes on, even on days you just want it all to stop for a minute so you can catch up.

after all the cold days we have warmed up into the 20's. i should get the element out for a spin and an oil change. 

trying to put a smile on my face. 

Ivy just wanted me to throw the ball...that is why she looks forlorn.  

covid cat looks forlorn because i have put a silly Christmas thing on top of him.

he really is handsome.  he's a great cat...i love as well that he seems to have helped Miss Breezy out of her shell.  she's running around the house more and more. 

well, i may prep some more rocks before i head to bed.  it really does take me to a different place mentally.  

thankful for A.  every day i had with Tusker.  he was a joy to be around.  just an all around amazing dogs.  B.  the friends and family who have supported me through this loss.  C. beautiful days, long walks and coping skills that will get me through this all.