very, very, very, very bad day....

 

i made an appointment to take Tusker in because he's shown some significant weight loss.  otherwise he really hadn't been too bad off.  still wanting walks until the last few days.  eating, though with less vigor, poops were normal until last few days really. there was an emesis a week or so ago but then that was it...until these past few days.  

the appointment wasn't until next Wednesday.  by today i really just was more concerned and wanted him seen earlier. i was worried he may have a partial obstruction or was dehydrated or both. 

my regular vet couldn't get me in any earlier and couldn't get me a drop off visit until Monday.  still not soon enough. 

i called the 24 hour place, though it is currently not 24 hours. they were supposed to call me and then i'd take him in.  i hadn't heard from them so i called them.  they were using my home phone though.  i was able to get him in around 5pm.  

the vet spoke to me several times and is sounding very concerned.  the word cancer came up.  at first she thought she was feeling a possible mass on his spleen.  that could be removed fairly easily.  after xrays and an ultrasound she sounded less and less positive.  it appeared to be a large mass in the intestines.  we are not sure how extensive this is or if it is cancer versus some sort of foreign body/obstructive process.  it was the size of an adult forearm she said.  i could tell she was not wanting to have this conversation and pass along such horrible news

i absolutely love my dogs.  i cannot at this moment fathom the loss of Tusker.  they gave him sub q fluids and he is home resting tonight. at the moment the plan is to return tomorrow for more tests and perhaps a barium exam through the day.  spoke to a friend, who is a vet i used to work with, and she suggested we think about skipping the barium and just seeing if the surgeon could possibly take him in sooner  it does seem like whether or not the mass is allowing some stool to pass or if it's a cancer throughout...we will  need to take him to surgery and explore it. 

if it's the worst possible scenario perhaps they could just close him and i could have a few days with him before i have to make that most horrible decision...but perhaps it's not as bad as they think.  perhaps, it could be operated on and repaired and i could have my baby longer.  

i am feeling gutted and heartbroken though a little better with the idea of a plan with some positive thinking. 

so i do have to wake up early tomorrow and this weekend could be ripe with horrible decisions and horrible outcomes...but still i want to think that Tusker could come through this. i want to hope he could be okay. 

anything else i had on my mind has been obliterated at the moment. 

he's not interested in snuggling of course, to him it's just another day.  he doesn't seem miserable, was sore after the palpation and Ultrasound.  i wasn't able to go in there with him.  so strange that these major events are just done over the phone.  damn covid. 

he was wagging his tail as they took him back.  such a good dog. 

they didn't say don't feed him but he wasn't overly hungry this morning so it seemed like feeding him could make things worse or delay a possibility of surgery.  so he is to go in at 10 am, but i will call first. see if the surgeon she recommends is even able to do surgery on the weekend. maybe call my regular day vet and see if he would be willing to way in. 

so a lot on my mind tonight.  i'd rather just snuggle in with him...he's not keen on it.  dogs do like a schedule and i think when you throw it off too much you just add to their anxiety.  

these are from Byers and Homer. 

i just can't fathom the outcome that was alluded to.  he's only 5!  how can this be happening. 

this week i worked PCU and then as resource in ICU.  the covid numbers are up slightly but not too bad.  the place is totally packed with tons of hold patients. still can't believe i wasn't doing holds all week.  i even got last night on call and was never called in. 

the week before i was on call and called in for sitter role...a toddler.  i also worked the observation unit one night and i just can't recall, maybe pcu another night. 

foggy brain for sure at the moment.  

i was writing notes on whatever paper i could find in the car.  intestinal tumor, cancer, chronic foreign body with major adhesions, lymphoma, intussesception.  all words passed around.  as of then there was no free blood or fluid which seems to be hopeful of no rupture.  not sure he would survive that.  

there is my happy boy with his sister.  

in addition, i had opted to send my brother a card/calendar this year.  now i'm annoyed at myself a bit.  he waited me out and he won. he responded all nice like of course, all is perfect between us.  i actually sent him a photo i had taken on a beach of the statement, "I am not vile" written in the sand.  he was all "no you aren't" to which i just remarked that i was still upset about the horrible message he left on my answering machine and we were not really okay yet.  never heard from him again.  this is him though.  like a tornado he explodes on the scene and then moves on, leaving a path of destruction. never apologizing, never taking any responsibility.  just on to the next town and the next storm.  

most humans want to try to smooth things over, but there are a few who can scream and rage at others and then have absolutely no thought of it ever again.  if i am even the least bit cross i ruminate about it, feel guilty and would apologize to people over it.  i felt guilty on the trail today when i wasn't feeling perky and lively.  

in truth i woke on the wrong side of the bed.  i think something in me has just known that what ever was causing his weight loss was going to be very bad news.  i was a bit cranky today.  we have walked, and he was hesitant these last few days but seemed pretty normal once on the trails. even chasing off after birds and squirrels. 

there is my boy with his sweet face.  how could he not be making his 6th Birthday in February.  that just isn't possible. 

i would also not want him to suffer.  at the moment we seem to have a window where he isn't overly miserable.  

i did let that sweet boy sit in the front seat of the new car....for the very first time. how could i deny him that.  

texted friends and my niece. we shall see what tomorrow  brings.  

i'm terrified really.  i'm not ready to lose him.  i'm not ready to have think about possibly losing him.

waking up early tomorrow to make calls to vets and see if i can get him in for surgery. seems the best plan. 

i need to try and get some sleep. not sure how possible it will be. 

Tusker wades out to check on my friend and collect that tennis ball out there. 

lots of painted rocks this past few weeks. felt like i was dropping way more than i was picking up.  i'm either hitting bad times or there are just more people taking rocks than dropping them.  did run into several other rock sorts on the trail.  i wasn't really snapping out of my funk despite their pleasant exchanges.  

i think at my core i knew this weight loss was bad news.

hoping it's early enough, hoping we can get him in to surgery, hoping it is something we can repair, hoping it's not cancer and not spread all over. hoping my baby puppy is going to be okay. 

hoping he is here for his 6th Birthday.  hoping he is here to make runs to Homer this spring and summer.  hoping he is with me on walks again soon. 

first Ivy Rose, now Tusker.  they are just too young for all this.  

not sure what plans i will follow through with these next few days or will i be home taking care of Tusker.  he's my priority. 

heart rocks are always good omens

will hope for more summer fun next year with both my pups.

he's too sweet...my heart is feeling lost and broken right now. 

i need to get it together for that sweet pup though.  

please send good thoughts for Tusker...

Denali peeks out. 

what i like about myself....strong. i am strong. on days like today i don't feel all that strong but i know from all i have survived in the past that i am. 

jury duty next week...great!

we shall see as well what happens with covid and the holidays...

grateful for: A the people in my life who are there on days like today to lend an ear, support and knowledge. B. that at the moment Tusker doesn't seem to be in horrible pain.  C. that i can at least try to help him.