emotional recovery from being a covid caregiver...

 

woke up the other day feeling more like myself than i have for ages. it was good.  good to know i'm still in there somewhere.  at times it does feel like i'm a little lost. motivation is low. 

watched a clip about allowing ourselves to heal. that often after a trauma of some level we will feel unmotivated and depressed and that really this is just our body resting and recovering. 

one thing i have added to the prayers i occasionally say (usually on the way to work), is to help me be more kind to myself. i think care givers and females especially are hard on themselves. we have very high expectations for ourselves and set for us by others. we do break though...we can only bend so far.

we trash the way we look, we trash the amount of stuff we get done, we trash how well we do the things that we do get done. females are terrible at lifting ourselves up. there is a lot of pressure to fit in boxes that we will never fit in.  we are given horribly high expectations that we can never meet. 

we need to give ourselves a break and we need to stand up for ourselves and each other. 

watching the women of iran at this time. they were actually ahead of the women in many parts of this earth back in the 1970's. they had freedoms, education, power...but that all changed suddenly. in the late 70's the religion of the land took over the government and morality police became a thing. suddenly women were not to be as educated, they were not to have power, they were to dress a certain way. they were to wear a hijab. they were to stay at home and have children. a woman was killed recently while being held by these morality police for her hijab not totally covering her hair. 

the population has risen up and several more have been killed as they burn their hijabs and cut their hair off. not everyone believes the same despite the demand that they are all follow the most strict rules of Islam. i keep returning to this thought that they lost freedoms in the late 70's and it's now been decades.  it took decades for them to really be ready to risk their own lives to fight for increased freedoms.  humans will tolerate a lot is the sad truth. 

they are rising in russia as well. not when their leaders were killing innocents in Syria and Ukraine, torturing them, using chemical weapons...it's really starting to build because they themselves may be sent to Ukraine to fight a war they have been informed isn't really a war. humans, again, will tolerate a lot before they fight back out of fear of their own loss.  tough to blame the individuals but it is scary.  

here we are on the verge of losing more and more rights here, as the extreme christians want to make this a "christian state". they want it to be an extreme christian state though...that is what the regular christians are not comprehending. they will never be christian enough for these extremists, just like the regular islamists were not extreme enough for the radicals there.

how many rights will we accept losing, how many others lives will be lost before we are really ready to fight back. right now it's just votes and protests...in 50 years what will it be? will it be like iran? things change quickly. 

sending more troops to Ukraine with less training and still less then optimal equipment will not win the war. it could prolong it.  putin is looking more and more desperate. he keeps threatening nuclear. it's all he has really. will he, won't he? no idea.  is there anyone there that will take him out before that happens?  

i am hearing that china is also dealing with it's own issues. people are getting fed up with being forced to live these lives under extremism. how fed up do they have to be to make a change?  how much can they do? n.korea...not sure how much they can do their.  they have little to no access to what other options exist. that isn't true anywhere else. it's a tough thing to do in this world. 

this little guy turned 1 yesterday.  i think that is his official Birthday.  that is when we celebrated. dogs don't really know it's their Birthday but still fun for the humans to mark it. Ivy opened most of his prezzies. he's still not clear on it. we just hit the dog park.  he loves it there.  i've had a headache these past few days.

part of my healing has been to allow myself to listen to my body.  i called out.  i was feeling nauseated with this headache. i really only had 5 minutes to call off as we have to call off for night shift by 4pm and it was nearly 4 when the headache was getting worse, not better. in years past i would have just forced myself to go to work.  our work ethic demanded that we work unless we were incapable of getting ourselves out of bed. fevers, vomiting.  all acceptable. other than that, you went to work. 

i err on the side of me and my mental/physical and emotional health now. our bodies will tell us what we need. i have the benefit of being in a place in life that allows me that.  many across the earth are forced to work no matter how broken they are. i do still have that nagging voice in my head that fears i'll be disciplined or fired for calling out.  so far the world hasn't ended when i get called out for calling out. 

when i put in my pto time yesterday it said i had none when i did so perhaps i'm at too many sick days and i'll get docked without pay, not sure. maybe it will all work out. it is what it is. i won't starve and i won't be homeless this week.  as a nurse, i suspect i could find a job if i needed to. if it came to that. 

work for me is going better and better again.  i can't say i'm excited when my work stretch comes up but i am feeling much less anxiety about work.  even when we have covid patients, we have a way of dealing with them and protecting ourselves. it no longer feels like the crisis it was last year. now it's just allowing myself the time to heal from the stress of the past few years dealing with this unknown and stressful virus. 

we do not just heal overnight.  at least i don't.  i'm sure some roll with things much better than others. for me this was more than just a crisis at work. it was an awakening of who is there for us and who isn't there for us. the politics were also wrapped up in it all. what people actually are willing to believe was eye opening and damaging.  things and people you had faith in turned out to be less than what you had previously believed. 

it wasn't just believing different or being on a different side politically/religiously/medically...it was a complete breakdown of morals/ethics/values...it was people willing to look away from facts, truth, experience, expertise...people willing to buy into crazy conspiracies. so it was more than just a different opinion.  i lost respect for people. 

i found that many had little or no interest in me as a person.  they were not at all people i could count on.  it was the whole, "he's just not that in to you" but it was people who you had convinced yourself were in to you.  you were blood or had just been friends for decades...but at some point it just became too much to accept the world views they had chosen.  their world views, in my views, meant cruelty to others. their world views meant hate and loathing and finding ways to legally destroy others. 

as  far as medicine. the rug was pulled out from under us. things we had been told and made to do for years was tossed aside because we just didn't have enough supplies.  so they fudged the rules because they had to.  then they just hoped that it would work out.  that the supplies they gave us would suffice.  they played loose with our lives because nobody knew what else to do. we were expendable.  i mean, staff was always a bit expendable.  if a patient hits us or hits on us, it was always what could we have done differently. 

it all felt unstable to me.  work, family, government, day to day life.  now, it feels like things are getting more back to some normalcy and yet we are still dealing with the fall out from an over 2 year long pandemic.  the economy will take time globally to recover. many lives were lost and many will have long term effects. it's starting to be more like hiv/aids.  initially, it was they have hiv/aids, that was why they were there. now it's like, they are here for this and that, and oh, by the way, they also have hiv/aids. 

normalcy of some sort will come.  relationships, will they ever recover? i have no idea. it's still the same.  there is a hatred of others and desire for others to be belittled and how do you just accept that in people you once respected. how do you respect them when they have this  hate for those who aren't like them or don't fit in their  box...their impossibly tiny box. not many fit in there...hell, they don't fit in those boxes, they just want to so badly, they convince themselves that they do fit there. 

these are Spencer and Kennicott

with the occasional mushroom tossed in. 

on the glacier.  not an unusual thing for me at this point but still pretty dang cool.  

gotta hop in the shower and then walk the dogs. the sun is out there. no headache at this time.  i did wake up again with one.  that does happen, but there are times when it sticks around for a few days. 

i had some crazy headache dreams this stretch.  can't really remember last nights except that there was someone trying to get in the house or in the house? scary. the night before there was a 8-10 inch diameter spider crawling around the bed.  i eventually killed it...i am a warrior in my sleep apparently, no way i'd be able to do that awake. of course, once it was dead i feared that there was a huge nest somewhere

love this one below of the fall colors and the glacier.  our fall colors are still out but they are quickly turning to brown. the leaves are falling and the snow is creeping down the mountains.  we are past termination dust now. 

i really need to get to the to do list these next few days. not sure why it feels impossible to make appointments. i put it off.  i suspect it means that i will have to follow through and deal with other humans at this appointments. i prefer my days to have zero plan. it's time to start having plans again.  getting my life back to some normalcy, some schedule. time to get things done and to strive for things beyond the basics. 

time to watch less and read more. time to seek out friends and adventures again.  time to allow the life i used to enjoy be enjoyed again. 

i deserve to enjoy this gift of life again.  to get myself off this covid ride we were all forced on. 

restart monday walks, plan for another pumpkin massacre, get WARIS kick started. train the dog...there is much to do and so much i am capable of.  i need to allow myself to shine and glow. allow others to see the person i can be and have been.  

it feels too much like i have  been forgotten. i have to put myself out there again and mix with the other humans.  i still think due to the politics/religion there will  be some limits until that all gets sorted out somehow. 

not everyone i grew up with would be willing to take off their "hijabs and cut off their hair".  i cut off 4-5 inches the other day.  many, most really, are happy to just follow in line.  that is how horrible governments control people for decades. we are passive...but some of us are less passive than others. some of us are more willing to speak out and speak up.  

some one was talking about old souls.  they said perhaps there are also young souls.  those are the ones who are less willing to leave a mark or make a mark. less likely to standup and scream. perhaps i'm just an older soul.  i am willing to get mad and speak out. i'm less concerned with saying the wrong thing. 

better to scream than to sit back and accept the hell that is thrown at you, or watch others suffer because you were too scared to speak out for them. better to fight for others than cower and protect yourself. 

the to do list will get moved on this week.  i will write about all the things i got done in my next post. 

memorial with a view.  i like to imagine my dogs on the past going on the journey with these slow moving glaciers. people were taking photo's of this before i was off the glacier. i saw when i glanced back. doubt the rock stayed out there too long. 

perhaps some therapeutic painting this evening. 

take care of yourself.  allow yourself time to recovery from these past years and whatever things you need to recover from.  we are all doing the best we can with the situations we find ourselves in. look at others and reach out.  there are many who are suffering alone these days. many who have found themselves disconnected from people who they never imagined they would be disconnected from. 

there is beauty out there.  seek it out and let it fill you up. look for the helpers and be a helper. 

thankful for: A. the lessons learned from the difficult times, we are always stronger than we thought and can conquer the things we are faced with B. watching those who are oppressed standing up, being supported and hopefully, finding success in their fight for freedom. C. the furs who have buoyed me up these past few years and given me reasons to get up and out. 

reboot...re-install...begin anew...

 

had a few days where i was a bit of a slug. the dogs got walked but not much else happened. 

thankful that i have the opportunity to have lazy/reboot days.  i feel guilty and have anxiety about doing nothing but in the end. i think if that is what my body and brain need, well, then so be it. 

i woke up today feeling a bit more like myself again. laziness is a luxury. 

these are from my friends trip north last summer. she is in Ireland/Scotland right now i think. 

i have the ever present to do list to tackle. i try to get a wee bit done each day.  the list grows though so as long as i don't get too far behind.  i really hate committing myself to things even if they are things i enjoy. not sure why that is.  general anxiety/social anxiety/introvert...introvert does not mean you hate people or are afraid of people, it just means that even if you enjoy people you are worn out by the social experience. 

i took a short walk on the glacier, my friend went further.  while she walked i made the heart of ashes and left the rock behind. next time i go it will be with another dogs ashes added to the mix. was looking at old photo's this morning. another friend lost a dog so i was looking at photo's to add to a project for her. all the pups in the old photo's are gone now. 

a great reminder of all the fun activities i have done with my friends over the years. many great adventures. i am one pretty lucky person to have been able to experience so much. much i couldn't have done without all the amazing adventure partners. hopefully, those adventures are not done yet. covid has put a damper on my adventuring as have my knees and probably the anxiety. you gotta move past the hurdles of life and live without too much fear. 

have not liked having fear and anxiety these past few years. it's not how i live my life generally.  i do feel like it's been a time of trial but also of growth.  that is how life works. it's the times that are rough that bring you the most clarity and joy really.  you have to have trials to overcome to know your worth and your strength.  

things that had power over me no longer have that power. i had hopes for people and assumptions really i think. in the end you have to accept that some people are in your life for a period of time and then they move on to other people and other things.  even if they are blood, that doesn't promise a life time. they are there still but i have come to accept the limits of many of those relationships.  no anger, no blame, just more of an acceptance. 

i figured out years ago that if a guy isn't doing the things that he should be doing that show he cares about you, well, then he never will and doesn't really want to and you should move on. i think that can be tougher to let go of with friends or family but in the end..."he's just not that into you" is not just for boyfriends. you have to accept the limitations of some relationships.  accept what they are willing to be to you and what they aren't willing to be. 

i've always been a person that once i detach emotionally, i detach. really no going back. 

people become independent for a reason. often it's because they had to.  they had to depend on themselves and they learned not to wait for others to help them of fix things or carry things. i was always surprised that men didn't know what to do with an independent female who didn't need them but just wanted them.  i guess many men just need to feel needed.  the hero. it takes a strong guy to be able to stick with a woman who doesn't need them.  

i always see men as being overly confident in many ways. perhaps that is just how they are supposed to appear and many of them do not feel like that at all internally.  society expects them to be strong and perhaps that means they can never let on that they feel weak. we are expected to be weak and can't let on that we are strong. 

different day, different glacier.  this one below is Spencer Glacier. went here one fall day...lots of bugs but it was super pretty. perhaps next year. catch one of the last trains out there and see what color is out there.

today i got out to Kincaid. on the drive in there was a moose and her calf, on the way out a male moose had joined them. he was working his way over to the female. the rut is happening. 

Ivy has been more sore on her non-surgical leg of late.  i have given her pain meds in the evening as needed. it doesn't impact her play time though. 

rained quite a bit yesterday so i was super lazy. i did eventually take the dogs out for a leash walk in the neighborhood.  they did great until the last few seconds. i had seen my neighbor walk her dogs from the other direction and i thought she went inside.  the dogs were out and loose.  Sunny and Ivy booked for them. i couldn't see them and they pulled out of my grip. the neighbors dogs growled and barked...thankfully, it wasn't more than that though. until then, training went well.

the day before i did the Campbell Airstrip and took extra treats to work on recalls and keeping him close. the yellows and reds are also coming in nicely.  

once again, all my thoughts of doing a road trip failed. time to just put stuff away. if the tides aren't just right, Homer won't be much fun.  too dark for too long these days. we shall see. 

there is the to do list to get to before the winter really sets in. 

can't believe how much he has changed in such a short time. amazing how quickly we fall in love with these sweet furs.  i'm both over protective and not protective enough i guess. he's a bit of a chaser.  at some point you can't protect them from everything.  it's a balance between giving them freedom and an amazing life and preventing them from stuff in hopes nothing bad ever happens to them.  the idea of them getting hurt of killed stresses me out.  

however, in the end, i'd rather them have a full and fun life even if it's shortened...Tusker lived a full life and i don't think there is much i could have done with what happened to him. you just never know what is in any of us that could limit our days.  best to live life for each day. dog or human. 

these two are still finding their relationship.  i'll wake with them snuggled together or i'll find Sunny chasing Covi. 

crazy stuff happening in the world.  protests...Iran's morality police appear to have caused the death of a young woman who they determined wasn't wearing her hajib right. so murder i guess over having your hair show. many are cutting off their hair and protesting. this is what happens when you allow theocracies. this is what many want in our nation. they want to force their religious views on everyone else. they want to make this a Christian nation and then force everyone to abide by rules that Jesus would not want.  they have lost their collective minds.  gone down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. 

in his desperation to not end up being held responsible for the things he has done, the orange Jesus wannabee is embracing the Q conspiracy crack addicts. at a rally the other day it looked very hitleresque. disturbing 

the noose is also tightening around putin.  he's not doing well in Ukraine and Ukraine has been able to liberate some of the area's russia had taken over...sadly this also means they are finding more atrocities and more mass graves and more signs of rape and torture. desperate people are capable of even more and more horrific things.  

not too surprising, covid relief funds were taken illegally and so over 40 have been charged with fraud. i hope they get every one who takes money from the poor to give to the rich. they apparently set up a fake feed the children scam.  

the special master that trumps lawyers requested has told them they can't have their cake and eat it too. trump has yet to ever explain why he had these documents, highly classified.  he keeps changing the story. he didn't have any documents, he gave them all back, he declassified them all...he's shown no proof that he declassified anything. they refuse to say whether he did or didn't.  sadly, the judge is a trump appointee and many of his appointed judges do seem to be political pawns.  how does that freak show get loyalty from these fools?  

russia is running out of money...interestingly, this also means that the DNC is short on cash as russia has been suppling them with cash for years...also trump has been swindling his followers for cash...that goes right to trump and he's not officially running for anything...so it's all his. he does better not running...financially anyway.  those idiots have been sending their hard earned cash to religious swindlers for years, now it goes to the orange jesus...that is how a GOP member called him. 

big storms this week.  Puerto Rico is again without power.  big storms also hit the west coast of Alaska.  not as much attention.  our state rarely gets too much mention. flooding.  there is not much to prevent the water up in those parts.  flat. doubt biden will be tossing paper towels. 

hoping the governors of florida and texas will get in trouble for this last stunt.  they are luring asylum seekers onto buses/planes and then dumping them in blue states in an attempt to "own the libs".  this is the party of the GOP. it's a party of hate and vengeance. they want to do anything and everything they can to piss off libs. of course the libs that these folks were dumped on immediately gave food, love and shelter to them.  i'm sure the Dems would love to make all those immigrants vote for Dems over Gop.  seems a foolish move in the long term.  

Covid Cat left a rather large dead shrew in the living room. always a pleasant thing to wake up and find. i guess it's good that nobody eats it and i'm sure my neighbor appreciates the good mousing skills. 

not sure what i'll do tomorrow.  i had debated a run to Hope today but as i drove it looked like the pass was going to be super wet and the other side looked pretty wet as well. i drove as far as Girdwood and then headed home. 

he's still a snuggler. so sweet.

post bath. he is for sure due for another bath.  do i let his hair grow out for the winter? not sure. he looks super cute no matter the cut it seems. 

some lights from the back yard one day. 

no ice yet on the beaches but it won't be too long now.

he's so much taller than her now. 

have had fun these last few nights using an app to switch some pictures to look painted.  

not sure about the calendar cover. i may just fill it with photo's of rocks i've painted. 

i usually just toss it together. doesn't take too long.  the photo loading takes the longest. i need to get the big camera out and look at all the photo's from this summer.  plenty on there and i haven't even bothered looking at them yet.  

better crash, it's almost midnight.  thankful for A. the life that allows lazy days when my brain needs to go into recovery mode. B. fall colors. C. drives to clear my head.