it appears i have been a terrible employee and i have been punished...

 

my pay was docked. it's annoying. i did break the rules...so i must pay the price. 

the annoying thing is that i am a damn good nurse and i have been for decades and you really never get any kind of positive feedback, it always seems to be negative. we are only noticed for the bad things we do, not for the good things.  it's just not that kind of job. after a few years of dealing with a pandemic and all the stress that comes with that...being punished is just the icing on the cake. 

it really is a thankless job. most of the time i can deal with the upper management doing what upper management does. it's what they do, but really...our job makes us sick and it's a no win.  they don't want you there sick but you will be punished for being sick. 

the patients, in the moment are grateful. they rarely send a letter or do anything outward that makes you know they are grateful but they do often show gratitude in the moment. fellow employees are also grateful.  i try to remind myself that means more than anything.  these are the people who deal with you directly.  

that we are just warm bodies to the bulk who are in the office.  who do not have any clue what we bring to the table each day we work, shouldn't bother me.  it does make me disrespect the upper management more and more.  especially post covid. they have utterly failed the staff working directly with the patients through these difficult years of the pandemic. i'm not saying specifically our hospital...hospitals across the nation have failed. society has failed. 

i've heard suicide rates among medical personnel have gone up. showing any kind of support or gratefulness would be helpful.  we've been tossed a lot of pizza, a rare paper gift card..those are like $5 for cafeteria. small bonuses each year under $500, while we know corporate get much, much, much larger bonus checks. they were never physically at risk.  we were. 

the job we do is stressful. the turnover is high all the time but especially high these days.  when i am there i am often the only one with any real experience. people like me are booking from the bedside. sick of it all. sick of the totally lack of gratitude bestowed upon us...sick of having our rare failures be the only thing that is mentioned to us. 

sick of not being recognized for the good things we do day in and day out.  not being recognized for putting our very lives at risk. 

helped a co-worker out and other staff helped me out to be able to help her out. everyone is stressed. i had a triple assignment of patients who could transfer out of the unit but no beds were available so i took the floor assignment. 2 insulin drips so i had to do frequent blood glucose checks on 2/3 patients. another nurses patient needed to go to MRI.  these road trips are stressful and risky really. she has her own medical issues so can't be near the MRI. crap was of course, happening at the time so suddenly she couldn't watch my 3 patients. we all worked it out and i was able to go down there while another nurse watched by 3 plus her one patient. 

we go out of our way to help each other and our patients, but those in the offices never really will comprehend all that we do.  they never see it.  nobody does really, just our patients and each other. 

many of my dearest friends are in the trenches with me.  they understand what we are doing that others just can't comprehend.  we lean on each other in and out of work. i have met so many of the most amazing people.

i am doing better overall dealing with work but then something like this can happen and it just irritates you about it all.  we have very little left to cope with the little infuriations.  i joked as i took the patient to MRI with my other co-workers that if i didn't get a daisy award for this...a daisy award is supposed to recognize staff that go above and beyond.  i go above and beyond nearly every day but i have one daisy to show for my nearly 30 years...that gives you some idea of how thankless the job really is. another good friend only has one...then there are others who have loads of them.  heard some write themselves up.....

i do not have all the answers.  a large bonus for the ones who stayed would be great but i will not hold my breath.  they paid millions to hire travel staff, bonuses are given for travel staff and for new staff...those who stick it out...nothing really. it is demeaning. 

most days you just go do your job and don't think much of it.  when i saw my docked pay...well it does come to my mind and causes frustration and anger. 

walked with a friend today.  still getting in those walks.  the sun had come out for our walk.  i started to drive towards Hope...i keep traying but the dark clouds were rolling in. i just headed back and took the dogs to the Monster Dog wash. 

can't say i have been the most pleasant dog mom.  cranky and short a bit today.  thankfully, the dogs are very forgiving of my failings and weaknesses.  they won't punish me. they are nothing but snuggling love sponges. 

i had even offered up to pull an 8 hour overtime shift. in the end they tripled assignments and said they didn't need me. it shows some improvement that i am offering to do the overtime though. 

i needed this summer as a bit of a sabbatical. i needed the time off. 

there is more healing to be done. that is life.  you have to adapt.  it can be a painful process adapting but you find ways. 

most humans can find some comfort/peace/laughter even in the worst of situations. i was able to pay my bills no problem despite the pay dock. 

i did get some appointments made. still more to work on. hate making those calls.  the CR-V is scheduled. the Element will need new tires so i'll have to hit CostCo maybe and see what tires they have available. 

sleep, recover. give myself a break even if work won't. they survived, i'll survive. 

i don't think they are ready to fire me yet. you can't fret about the what if's in life.  you need to focus more on what actually happens. you will make yourself nuts if you worry too much about the what ifs. 

a nurse told me it's best to not cross bridges before you get to them.  worry about what is in front of you. deal with the rest as it comes. you can try to plan but even the best planning can't prevent some of what we will be faced with. 

this hurricane that just hit florida. they had little time to prep or evacuate.  they change paths, the area's that are expected to get hit can just change and then you will have to adapt. a few communities really got trashed. many do not have the ability to just pack up and drive off on a moments notice.  they may not have a car or money for gas or lodging. we do not know the death toll yet. sounds like people i know in Florida had little to no damage. 

putin illegally claims he's annexed parts of Ukraine. boxing himself into a corner really.  he is failing over there so annex and then say he can do anything to protect his territory.  why can't some of these horrible people just be removed from this earth.  why must so many suffer at the hands of the few who hold power and rule with cruelty...all for selfish gain. 

so many nations have done horrific things to the native populations they ran into on their quest to take over land and nation build. we have ours but it's everywhere.  people can be just awful to each other. now the Danes have also been added to the list.  apparently in the '60's and 70's young native girls/women were given iud's with no explanation or discussion with their parents. girls as young as 12. some were never able to have children later in life and a new study will  be under taken to see if they can get some answers. most of this happened on Greenland. some who had abortions were secretly given iud's.

cool shot of the ashes on the glacier

Iran seems to be stamping out the uprising a bit...meaning they are killing people. we will never know how many. 

rant over. i'm getting tired. 

perhaps i can get more done on the to do list tomorrow.  i may just sleep in though.  

it's already well after midnight. where does the time go. 

weather was changing constantly today. 

still some bits of fall color.  most of the trees have given up their leaves. 

want to get the Skelly's set up for October. i guess today is October 1st so a good time to do that later today. after i get some sleep..wake and walk the dogs again. 

good to vent, i feel better.  still a major eye rolling moment.  as i said, the bad employee has now had their wrist slapped and i guess we can move forward. 

should get revolving sick out for anxiety.  some guy got one for insomnia. i never seem to have the guts to do things so obviously ridiculous.  i really should though. i mean so many do and have zero shame or second thoughts about it.  our parents were loyal to the companies they worked for. there was a time decades ago that the companies were more loyal to their employee's.  those days are long gone. the generations that follow have become less and less loyal to the companies they work for. this latest generation is even less so.  good for them.  the only way these companies will ever learn to treat employees better is by having to pay.  nurses will eventually just make their own contracts and the hospitals will be forced to make it better to just work for them. 

corporate greed destroys the prospect of capitalism.  corporate and individual greed of those at the top. so many of them want so much money it's nuts.  how much money do these people need? how many houses? how many cars? how many yachts? how many clothes? it's ludicrous. 

something will give...it's happening. 

we had a nice day for our rafting trip. this year it was all rain everywhere for weeks.  this past week it's at least been rain but with some breaks and sunshine. 

the terrible employee is getting tired and should get to bed.

rest up for the next stretch of work as a terrible employee. haha. 

live to work, not work to live. too many in generations past have put off their lives in pursuit of some remote retirement dream. many just don't make it to that day...or if they do they aren't physically able to do the things they hoped they would. 

as much as this job can make me nuts...i do love the 3 shifts a week and the ability to be able to have so much free time to do nothing or anything. i have lived an interesting life so far.  i have had adventures that others can only dream of. 

for that i will always be grateful for nursing.  it's not easy and you do need the days off to recover. 

live the full life you deserve.  we don't know what comes next...do not live this life for futures that we have no clue about.  whether they are retirement in this life or some hoped for heaven in the next life. 

don't let other people drag you down.  don't waste time...it's short. 

grateful for A.  the co-workers and patients who make me feel like the nurse i know i am and can be. B. that i am able to pay my bill despite my pay reduction gift this week. C. that i am still taking care of patients and working with amazing bedside co-workers and never sought out a corporate level position. it would have been soul sucking.