i am the problem...to myself mostly some days...

 

i have personally promised myself to stop calling family who really can't be bothered with me. for years it was me who was the main instigator of any sort of so called relationship in many of these things.  it was, in the end, like the whole, he's just not that in to you idea, but with family. sadly, i can be much more dense and hopeful when it comes to these life long relationships..hope springs eternal. so occasionally i have had my phone in hand and just made the call. did so the other day. 

it's a waste of energy as it is as usual one sided. also, i can't possibly be happy as that would go against everything the church teaches you. people can't possibly be happy after they leave the church. the only way to happiness is through the church.  so if you are happy outside the church..well, what does that mean for them really.  why do they wear the crazy underwear and do all the temple rituals and pay 10% and .... on and on. 

mentioned that nursing does at least allow me to interact with people that are outside my bubble and gives me an opportunity to be kind and compassionate to people in a way that can be difficult when we are living our lives in our usual bubbles. as this person was a teacher, i really just thought they would agree and state that as a teacher they had the same opportunity.  that is not how it went. basically, i was told that i get paid to be nice to these people so it doesn't count and what do i actually do for anyone else. 

not that i am the best person to run a non-profit but i did set one up and i have run it without destroying it and with some positive outcomes to help walrus. would someone else do it better, yes, and i do hope one day someone takes it over. it was a lot of work getting it up and running. i also wrote a few successful articles for the paper on behalf of the island sanctuary.  one of those was timed when a sitting POTUS was in office and set to visit Alaska...and perhaps, hard to tell directly but one of the last things he did in office was list the sanctuary as a historic landmark. is it possible i had a direct impact on a sitting President of the United States?  i don't know and never will...but it is possible. 

i mentioned i also had a little free library that i had purchased and placed in front of my house, i donate books to it on a regular basis. i get that i'm no mother teresa but donating money to a church conglomerate corporation seems fairly meaningless when that church uses a very small percentage of the money they hoard to actually help anyone.  she mentioned her church helps others...i no longer hold my tongue...and i realize it never seemed that i held it before so watch out! she seems to think that churches are the same as other non-profits in the US. they aren't. they are not required to publicly report their income or assests.  they do not have to make the accounting that a regular non-profit would be required to make. 

the irs rules dictate that the non-profits must use charitable donations activity that is in relation to the amount of it's financial resources.  the church has over 100 billion and uses less than 50 million in donations to help others...we do not have a full accounting of that though so who knows. 

it's my own fault.  as in any relationships, there are sure to be times when you back slide before you completely move forward.  i look at the texts between several of these family members and myself and if you were to look you would see that most of my texts to them over the years have gone nearly all unanswered. the same was true with the phone before that. i'm just pathetic enough to have done the bulk of the work over the decades with very little in return. 

these last years with covid it became even more clear how little the pendulum ever swung my way. if people can't even be bothered to check in on you from time to time...you really just need to walk away. i was a nurse working in covid and not only did many of them not bother to show any concern for me...they believed bull about it all.  conspiracy crap.  

it's all pretty sad.  elections tomorrow and we have such a large number of people who have gotten themselves so far down the rabbit hold of conspiracy theories i do not know what happens next in this nation.  people who are so easily duped are also easily manipulated and made to do horrific things. some of the people out there are absolute conspiracy crack addicts. they will believe even the most outrageous, ridiculous conspiracies. they are voting. 

our elections put out something on facebook...saw it tonight with it's loads of idiotic conspiracy theorist comments. i couldn't resist.  i just egged them on.  tossed a few comments in there and man did they take the bait. within minutes i had all sorts of whacko's making crazy comments. of course, when they fail to win anything with logic they will say i'm ugly and look like a troll.  i'm nearly 60 though so i have no illusions of beauty...especially in this society.  i'm teflon in this scenario.  jokes on them.  haha. 

anyway, another reminder to just not contact family. just send off the required Christmas cards and keep it minimal.  it's not always easy to accept and you do still need to have some contact.  they aren't terrible people, it's just that our lives have taken us in such vastly different paths that there really just isn't much to fight for when it comes to relationships and for some reason, some sense of warped loyalty, i keep trying. 

i wish my phone would just send a shock wave anytime i have that desire. 

years ago a co-worker was just nasty to me.  another co-worker pointed out that if nearly everyone likes you but one doesn't it's most likely them that has the issue.  now if nearly everyone has an issue with you and there is just one who likes you...you may want to consider that you are the one that is the issue.  in this case, when it comes to family...i am the one that is the problem. i'm the one that isn't and never was a fit. so it's best for them, and ultimately for me, if i just slip off and allow them to live their lives as they desire.  in the church, donating to a multibillion dollar corporation.  

got my three nights in and next i have 2 more. Saturday was the clock turning back and hour night so that meant a 13 hour shift rather than a 12 hour one.  it wasn't too bad this time. this week was the newly created heart surgery unit, PICU and then PCU for the 12. not an awful week.  i moved a patient out on the 13 hour night at around 4 am and then got another one in close to 6 am so i think that moved that last part by quickly. i also had one patient that took forever with a trek to the bedside commode...so that probably killed that full hour almost on it's own. 

the parking ticket i got ages ago, i sent a notice that i refuted it but i have never heard back about it.  hopefully that isn't something that will come back to bite me. where did i stick that ticket.  probably should check on that. 

i survived my flu shot but still need to get the covid vaccine booster. the bivalent one. the pharmacy was too busy or closed for lunch when i stopped by on my days off so it never happened. 

here i am looking like a troll apparently. haha. those fools are so easy to rile up.  they need little help being idiots. we all hold our tongues so much these days that it is fun every so often to make them light up. of course, they may be collecting my name on a list to kill once they take over. it's always a possibility.  my blog and pages have enough proof of my lack of support for the orange god that i couldn't hide my feelings if i wanted to. not that i want to be murdered for my political leanings but if you look around the globe you will see that this happens with great regularity and often it is better to speak out no matter the consequences. they can't kill us all.  there are still Jews out there so no matter how many million were killed hitler failed. once people have been made to believe in a false enemy they will do anything their believed leaders will tell them, even kill. trump seems more than willing to be that sort of human.  

that is the sad reality of this world.  we are surrounded by many who would be more than willing to kill as soon as they can find someone who will tell them that these people or those people deserve to be killed and they would be doing the world and their leaders a favor by taking it into their own hands.  many are held back only by social norms that prevent them from killing the people around them.  as soon as they find someone to release them from those social norms, they will happily kill away. 

the people of iran are currently doing what they can to finally try to over throw the corrupt and cruel government they have lived under for decades.  sadly, it doesn't take a large percentage to hold back an entire people. to prevent freedom from finding a place.

most who are in the church i grew up in and other churches really will stick with their church no matter what.  this is true for all the main religions, which is really just another truth of the lack of one truth over another. people rarely change what they know.  even if they find they don't really buy into it.  the truth is it takes guts to change religions or careers or get divorces or move....the vast majority of humans across the globe would rather stick with what is comfortable to them even if it's very detrimental to them.  they stay in abusive relationships, stick with people who don't love or care much about them. 

they will stay in jobs they hate or places they hate.  religion is even more powerful. they stay. fear is more powerful.  it took guts for me to walk away.  many are walking away from churches now, especially Christianity at this time.  many will want to walk away and will never do it.  it doesn't even matter what horrific truths about their church or religion they are confronted with, they will stay.  

i'm grateful that i made the leap away from the church. i also made a leap away from the politics i grew up with. always funny when family tell me i'm closed minded...i have investigated and changed nearly all i was taught growing up. they are the ones who have stuck with the stuff we grew up with in almost all areas. 

i'm grateful i made the leap away from the place i grew up.  Alaska has been a much better fit for me. part of me wants to make the leap to a smaller community again.  we shall see.  leaps are tougher to make the older you get but i've leapt before, i may leap again one of these days. 

leaps are always tough at first.  a blend of scary and exciting.  eventually, things settle again and you have grown.  the way to not grow is to not leap in life.  

fear keeps you from leaping.  fear keeps you from growing. you gotta leap some times to grow.  making the non-profit was very uncomfortable. i've put it on the back burner a bit as covid was all consuming as a nurse and a human i guess. feeling it's getting to be time again to leap a bit with the non-profit,wake it up, revive it a bit. life is to be lived not managed. 

the people of Ukraine and Iran inspire.  they are battling against the odds but they are willing to make that leap and risk it all in order to have a better life for all going forward. they want their kids and their kids kids to have hope and peace and freedom.  

the fools here have no appreciation for what it means to lose freedom so they are not willing to fight for it. instead they fall in line on a path that will remove freedom. they want to be told what to do, they want to blame others for their own life issues. they want to punish others, they want to hate others.  the GOP has just given life to their inner most horrific desires.  i'll vote tomorrow but it's just one vote.  if they win, we shall see how far they are able to run in this destructive path. freedom is fragile.  

all that we love and enjoy could be gone and we will become powerless to fight back.  at least as long as the hate that brought this upon us dwindles out.  

i suspect it took people the of iran this long to fight back so hard  because it took that long for the hate that caused the initial break down to dissolve. the hate must die off and those born of the hatred must want some change for all.  the people of Ukraine have seen that pain and loss of freedom first hand and are willing to give it all they have to stop it from going down that path.  

too many here have lived in relative peace and know nothing of suffering.  or very little really compared to those who live in places of real turmoil. the folks in syria would surely not be whining about the life here if given the opportunity.  most of us would do very poorly in these other parts of the world.  i know i'm pretty soft. i'm grateful for my easy life really.  i have my personal drama's i get that, we all do, but we haven't lived in war zones with bombs dropping down all the time.  the cruelties and rapes and murders, burying our neighbors, hunting for food and water in the rubble. trying to help those who are injured but only being able to watch them die. we have mostly never had to live with these traumas. 

love this sweet face. 

watched the new Downton Abby special.  always good.  that was tonight. i'll crash soon.  tomorrow could be busy. vote, do some ICU training, head back to work. sneak a walk in there somewhere. probably the dog park since i'll be right by there for work.  could go to Ruth Arcand...it's been ages. grab some rocks and see if i find any out there. 

love the stars on the rocks.

my new hat 

it was a pretty good year for sea stars this year.

what is next for me.  i can feel the changes that will be happening.  changing from career as a nurse to something to tide me over until i can officially retire and then the changes that happen with retiring. how i want to live after retire, where i want to live. there are options for leaping if i so desire. we shall see what i do with those options.  

hopefully, there will be dogs in my future. they make me happy. 

the beach makes me happy, walking in the woods makes me happy.  taking photo's makes me happy.  helping walrus makes me happy.  reading, singing, wasting time...all make me happy. 

leaping and growing. less growing now but he's still leaping.  will probably let his hair grow out a little for winter but keep his main hair do. it totally suits his personality. in this shot he still has his puppy hair. super cute. 

can vary it though.  his hair grows fast and there are a zillion options for poodles. 

he makes people smile when they see him. he is just a light with his happy hair. 

better to be around people who see me for who i am and want to be around me and are supportive of me. life is hard enough with out surrounding yourself with people who perpetually have low expectations and low impressions of you. who needs that. 

missing Homer. so beautiful there. 

it's getting darker and the long drive on snowy roads not really that feasible. will get there as soon as i can in the spring.  

time to change the Skelly's over and prep for Thanksgiving and Christmas 

it's good to be a little selfish from time to time.  protect yourself from those who care so little about you.  you can't be mad that this is the truth but you certainly can break away emotionally and accept what a relationship really is rather than perpetually hoping it's more than it is. i am grateful for covid and the clarity that came with it. i guess in the same way the orange idiot has been very clarifying as well.  who knew really how clarifying it would be.  

wasted so much emotional capitol hoping people would wake up to the insanity only to be disappointed over and over that they never would. that disappointment was very depressing and came in waves over and over again. the only way to protect against that depression was to never hear the truth where people were on the trump spectrum. 

guess i better get ready for bed. early to bed. late to rise. 

cool rocks!

grateful for A. clarity B. leaping C. laughing.  much needed all the time.