the greys vs the black and whites

 

some things in life are grey and other things are very black and white. at least that is how it works for me. 

when it came to love..you either loved me or you didn't. i wasn't willing to be part way in a relationship or have someone be part way in a relationship with me. 

the same was true with religion.  having been raised in one that claimed to be the one and only true one...well, in my mind there was just very little wiggle room. if you found it to not be true...then it was over. don't claim to be the one and only true church and then be so very very fallible. 

i didn't have the access many have now to the information. many either just choose to not look at the information because they don't want to know. maybe they are just happy with life the way it is.  some i guess do not have it in them that it was either true or wasn't and if it wasn't they would leave.  i do recall people saying things like, even if i found out it wasn't true i'd stay. i am just not wired that way. i know many are not wired that way either. 

i see many who have done tons of research...they were trying hard to find the answer that would keep them in.  that is the easiest i suppose. stay in.  we are all wired differently. our brains just do things different. for me it seemed like i'd be a hypocrite to stay in once i knew it was bull. 

shelf breakers...the church has done really poorly on polygamy, racism, misogyny and lgbqt rights for sure. hard to ignore history for me. the history wasn't all that true either. the money stuff really ate at me and the continued revelation which seemed more convenient than from God. 

i'd say i probably never really fit in to the culture.  there is a type that they want and strong/independent and female is not a type to be and be Mormon. you either fit or you are miserable trying to fit i guess. 

i felt so much pressure being Mormon.  it was just that disconnect from what was expected of you and what you were capable of delivering. i can't be what they call now i guess, nuanced.  you can't be "nuanced" in a church that isn't nuanced.  i feel the use of the word is silly and incorrect anyway, but they seem to mean that they are modern/liberal thinking while still staying in the confines of the church...i call bull really. the church spends your tithing funds to fight gay marriage amongst other things...at some point you just have to make a decision that the church doesn't fit in with how you view the world. or i guess you have to just accept that no matter what the church is in truth you plan on staying with it anyway. 

church, for me, just wasn't grey. it was either true or it wasn't true. now there can be other areas of religion or belief that can be grey. there is much we can't possibly know.  so then there is faith. faith shouldn't be blind, deaf and dumb though.  there should be some reason in there. you should use the brain you were given to decide what stuff is cruel and harmful. 

people stick with many religions despite the facts coming out.  they ignore the evils of man and decided the church itself is true, that is all religions. believing in God and believing in this church or that church...that can get grey i guess. i'm pretty grey about God. the older i get the less i believe in this specifically. there have been a lot of Gods that people have chosen to create and believe in.  

i think we are wired to hope for hope, to hope there is more than just this life. to hope that the terrible things that happen here to people will be avenged in the next life as so often it isn't avenged here. religion is also power though. money tossed in and suddenly you have a great deal of potential for abuse of this power and money. 

God seems this easy concept. you need help you pray.  the problem with that is God really doesn't seem to intervene all that often.  or fairly or in any way commonsensically. this God will allow millions of Jews to be killed but miraculously help someone find their keys. 

in the culture i grew up in, you prayed and you would be given personal revelation of the truth of the gospel.  unfortunately, there was no off ramp for you if you didn't come to that conclusion.  the only correct answer was the church is true...if you didn't come up with that, well you weren't praying hard enough. not studying the scriptures enough. not worthy enough...basically it was all on you.  i was convinced there was a guy who dressed up and delivered presents on Christmas eve.  us humans are pretty gullible in general. 

i have put up my tree...pagan thing that, like many other things, was stolen in order to dilute the impact of paganism and bring people to Christianity. i like the tree though.  i like the spirit of Christmas. i do think it's funny that people flip out about people saying happy holidays instead of merry christmas while they put their kids by santa for photo ops and buy tons of gifts. 

this is not at all the time of year that Jesus would have been born according to historical references from the Bible. this time was also usurped from paganism. if you are going to be pissed about people not saying Merry Christmas then perhaps you shouldn't celebrate the holiday as a pagan would have. haha. anyway. have a Merry one or Happy Holidays. for me it's just a good time to reflect, to enjoy the music, spirit and kindness that goes with this time of year.  people are nicer overall. 

a few haven't been very nice. we have had more shootings of course. one in a gay bar. the rhetoric that is out there against the lgbqt is bound to make people hate this population and take action or to hate themselves and take action against others if they do not feel the love and support they need to accept themselves as they are.  the father of this shooter claimed to be Mormon...he was also known to have previously been a porn star and drug addict so his Mormon roots seem a bit distant. 

he seemed more relieved that his son was the shooter and not a patron of a gay bar. that pretty much sums up the hell that we are in  at this point. 

my family is pretty large...there will be others who are in the lgbqt community.  i hope they have more support than my brother had being who they are. sadly, there are many suicides in this community and many who are cut off from their "family".  many religions treat this community with disdain....other religions are much harsher than Christianity i will give it that. in some parts of the world if found out these people are just killed outright. 

these are just a mixture of scenes from Alaska 

i do get around more than i realize. 

i got my fake tree up.  took some fluffing to get it up and ready to decorate, it's done though and it looks pretty.  still think i may get a wreath or small table tree for the smell of it. so far the tree has survived the animals while i was at work

i worked probably half of this run, well over half in PICU. i think i did one shift in PCU and otherwise i was PICU. 

lots of RSV but unlike several years in the past these kids are not ending up on vents. this is great news for families and the kids. still they are filling up hospitals across the nation.  

had Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday.  thanks MT, the best hostess for gatherings.  i couldn't stop laughing driving home.  that turkey was deep fried...when she brought it inside it was charred. i felt badly for her as i can imagine that was a tough walk up those stairs with that turkey.  you know you have great friends when they will happily eat a turkey that looks like that one did. the inside of it was delicious. still, seeing a turkey that black...it's pretty funny to imagine. 

at some point her one dog jumped up on top of the table.  we'd all finished eating and there was just glasses on the table. not one thing broke.  how that dog made that leap is impressive. so we did have  several good laughs last night. 

in between shifts i was able to help get a poodle home to it's family.  they would have found it as it showed up close to the trailhead. i just kept it engaged until the family arrived. poor pup was out in the cold for two nights. it got lost with a jacket but who knows where that ended up. felt great to be able to reunite the pup though.  it was a bit skittish.  MT had sent me the information about the lost dog so i'd taken my walk out where it was lost.  got lucky.  another couple was there and they called the owner, handed me more treats when mine ran out and held my dogs while i say on the snow with the lost dog. 

was at oceanview bluff park today for a walk. it is still soft ice out there further so not the longest walk.  the dogs played with other dogs and we went to where the big log used to be. there was a family out there.  they were teaching the young girl to ask if she can pet my dogs. i was all, it's fine, she can pet them.  the woman then said the young girl was from Ukraine and was still learning English.  it's all teaching moments. she was happy playing out there with the dogs. no idea what horror she saw.  one hopes she was saved from the worst of it. happy she is safe and here though. 

many in this nation could care less about what is happening in Ukraine and even more could probably care less what is happening in iran. we are all connected though.  we should care about all these people living in horrific situations. how can you believe in a God that answers one persons trivial request while ignoring the desperate pleas of thousands of others? 

six million in Ukraine are without power as winter is upon them.  damn that putin and russia. 

these are in Hatchers Pass. 

very scattered, this below is one of the old mile markers on the road out to Kennicott Mine. 

fall colors and mushrooms.  every season has my favorite bits. summer has flowers, winter has crystals and ice, fall has colors and mushrooms and even break up has life beginning over again. 

peace...i feel i have peace.  i care much less about what people think of me in the family, i give them much less power in my life. i feel closer to accepting things as they are and appreciating the life i have been gifted instead. 

i have had so many wonderful people and experiences in my lifetime. i was given a huge gift when i walked away from what was known and took off on this great adventure of life.  it has not always been the easiest path but it has been the path of most joy. the path of peace.

this place is huge and so beautiful. whatever greater power that may exist is not in buildings, that greater power is out there in the wild. 

the earth is small in the grand picture of the universe, and yet, i will see very little of it in my lifetime. 

there are many who will see much more of this earth and experience more, but there are millions who see much less than i have already. 

i feel gifted with a curiosity of the small things, the details. i suspect all those years of beach combing taught me to look down and find the tiny and beautiful things that are delicate.  so many details in nature.  we often look for the grand but the grand can also be found in the most tiny and delicate aspects nature has to offer us. 

love these huge rocks.  only found this beach a few years back. always making new discoveries. i hope i have many years of making new discoveries left.

i find new stuff in the same places though as well. beauty is everywhere.

and these shells usually are homes to hermit crabs.  those things can really pack themselves in there. 

CR gets some love from my beasts

always fun to see Tusker pictures pop up. it's been nearly a year since he passed away. at this time i was noting he'd lost weight but that he also seemed to be acting very much like he always had. 

cool mushroom above. 

beach...todays beach wasn't a Homer beach.  i do love the ice though.

Independence Mine

and the hike to root glacier at Kennicott Mine.

grateful for A. conversations that are deep and respectful B. friends and laughter and burnt turkeys and dogs jumping on tables. C. that we have made improvements and kids aren't ending up on ventilators!