the usual guilt....

 

it comes from calling out.  so the boob injury got worse.  it's not a big deal really. just that all the muscles under the boob and wrapping around to the back of my chest totally decided to tighten up in mass. making any movement, including breathing unbearable. 

walking is how i gauge how my body is.  it's something i do nearly daily so i could barely move around the house or turn over in bed yesterday so i called out.  i did end up taking a leashed neighborhood walk later in the afternoon. ibuprofen, icy hot and muscle relaxers...i recall one MD telling me i could work on muscle relaxers...maybe that guy can but my brain is foggy.  i could probably work if my job was a grocery bagger or some other job that didn't require an acute brain. 

i needed a major breast massage, but normal massage therapists are not going to massage your breast...that would be a sex worker that i'd need to hire.  having never done that and knowing that if i tried to arrange a massage...it wouldn't happen for several weeks probably. 

so i have spend much of the last 24 hours stretching and massaging and taking multiple medications.  it is helping a great deal.  i can walk.  of course, on my walk at the dog park today i spent much of it on the back trails stretching or with my arm over the top of my head or behind my back or my fist thrust firmly into my left breast. so i called out again because i don't think i can do my job with my arm positioned these ways.  so i am for sure a lot closer to feeling normal enough to work tonight but still feel another night of muscle relaxants, stretching and massage will get me in a much better place.  the plan is to return to work for the holiday.  they have a hard time finding anyone for those days anyway.  a much worse time to be off sick. with this much improvement in 24 hours, another 24 hours should get me near normal.  

still i always feel guilty calling off. i have done it to much i'm sure and i know there will be a write up and a discussion.  i started to fill out the paperwork for a revolving fmla.  of course, this is neither migraine or bronchitis related so it wouldn't have helped and i am not a person who can lie.  i think that is why i stopped that process. i mean if i can cancer or if i'd gotten covid and had residual respiratory illness i'd be all for it.  otherwise, for me, it just feels a bit dishonest and i don't think i could pull it off. 

i do feel a bit better as just sitting here typing is already starting to tax my chest muscles. it's not chest pain, it's breast pain.  i'm wearing a tight sports bra...that helps a bit as well. ridiculous. what an embarrassing injury. 

the other day i put Christmas away. not the Skelly's yet but the tree and all that.  cleaned out the closet.  may have contributed to the increased muscle spasms now that i ponder that. 

i don't think they will fire me for my absences.  i guess i figure if they do, it was because they wanted to fire me anyway.  that is how that works.  stuff like this is just a way to get rid of people you really want to get rid of. i don't think i'm a terrible employee overall so i doubt they have it out for me.  if they do, well it was meant to happen and i'm a where one door closes more open sort of thinker. my mid management team is overall supportive of me personally i believe. they do not like having to go over my sick day numbers with me. that is probably what makes me feel the most guilty.  my call out will cause them to have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. 

i have never called out just because i wanted to go on vacation or wanted more days off and i have heard many who openly just plan on calling out to extend their vacation days.  again, honestly, to a fault is how i was raised really. 

it did feel good to clear out the closet and vacuum it before loading it with the Christmas stuff. i even tossed all these cassette tapes.  they have just moved place to place with me for years and i finally just tossed them.  i also grabbed out a bag full of old Nat Geo's. i'll slowly put those in the little free library out front.  i also put the skate ski's on marketplace.  people tend to be pretty flaky on that though.  all these responses but then nobody really follows through. 

i have been pretty brain dead the last 24 hours. just games on the phone and big bang mostly.  that is what even a half dose of muscle relaxants does to me. 

a decorator crab and a sea urchin above.  love those tide pools out in Homer. 

i had looked at the low tides for next year.  will have to plan for some treks down there.  the rooms fill up faster these days so i will actually have to plan ahead.  

i like to do things with the dogs.  they are my constant companions.  i suspect covid changed a bit of that.  i also have some family planning a visit in July so will have to find some fun stuff to do then.  another plan is to head to Yakutat for a long weekend.  start checking out new places or visiting other cool places again. there are some amazing things up here and seeing things over and over always will give a new perspective depending on the week you go or the weather. 

my friend CR was with me for this trek to Homer. 

i did catch a few good low tides last year and the year before.  i'm addicted to these intertidal zones. 

i see another of my contacts at Fish and Game is retiring.  i need to get in contact with the one guy who took over for Ed and also REI and see if we can do a lecture.  i also need to see if anyone is out there that wants to join the board.  one board member is moving out of state so he will have to be replaced. would love some fresh, excited blood.  initially, i needed names to get it started.  would love to find some who would be willing to take over the main responsibility eventually. it was never my hope to do this for decades.  just to get it started and then turn it over to someone who is much more talented and enthusiastic. been doing the basics since 2014/2015 when i got it started and got the non-profit status.

i'm not the greatest activist. 

these are from this month.  look at all that beautiful snow

these are from the week when we just kept getting major dumps of snow. 

the place looked the same every day it seems no matter how much i shoveled. 

the road crew was out the other morning and so my road is wide again.  my road always done pretty early.  not sure if there is a crew member who lives here or has a grandma who lives here or if they just start from the Muldoon and work their way west.  

the dogs quite enjoyed all the snow. 

they are a pretty happy crew. 

there was a pit bull that attacked a woman at North Bivouac early in December. i just heard about it. the dog was loose and had no owners seen.  so she was on her own out there. it attacked her dog and then her as she was saving her dog.  i wonder if the pit was dumped out there.  i have been there since this attack happened, not knowing about it.  after that dump after dump of snow plus the drop in temperatures i suspect that dog would not have survived out there really. animal control hadn't found the dog.  

love this picture above. his cute ears flopping. Ivy running from behind.  just such happy pups. i am always worried about some horrific attack like this woman endured. there are breeds of dogs that just make me more anxious. i know that upsets some folks that certain breeds are selected out as more likely to do harm.  

there are breeds that can do a greater amount of damage than other breeds.  i'd be less anxious if it was a loose chihuahua attacking my dog than a pit bull or german shepherd. i think certain humans lean towards certain breeds which end up making it a self fulfilling prophecy. 

i'm sure it's not a popular view but i feel there are many really good tempered dogs out there and i'd rather we put our efforts into saving those lives and rehoming those than dogs that have already shown themselves to have temperment issues. some dogs are just going to be liabilities no matter how much one person trains them.  i'd rather not risk a person or another sweet pup/cat getting attacked and killed.  often the people who adopt these rehabilitated dogs are not really capable of managing them. i'm also really not that keen on these dogs being kept alive only to exist in cages in a no kill situation. that doesn't seem fair either. again, money better spent on dogs that will be able to live in homes. 

i keep getting up to check the sunset.  nice and pink.  of course, i feel less pain but i feel very drunk. 

we had some wind so many of the trees lost their heavy snow loads. 

still really beautiful out there. 

this kitty cat was a little sad i think that i pulled down his tree.  he was really enjoying life under the tree.  safe from the puppy's reach. 

coated in snow!

another day of shoveling ahead of me as you can see above.  funny, the pile hasn't gotten high on the sides of the driveway either.

nice pinks out there this day as well.  

and the fog rising from the water. 

anyone at the beach right now is getting a great show. its super pink over that way.  

this pile is well over the top of the little free library now. i do think i have shoveled out the door. you can get to the library from the side. 

this pile is above the fence line as well. 

this was the first morning of snow. those are my foot steps coming in after i returned from work.  the snow was up to the car door so i just plunged into the deep snow

pictures don't really do justice i guess. of course, after seeing the horrific ice all over Seattle and Portland and the huge drifts in Buffalo, our little snow seems like no big deal. 

still so beautiful.  the snow still makes me happy. it was a lot of work digging out that week though.  i can see how some just get trapped inside for weeks after these sort of a dumping unless some friendly neighbors dig them out. 

love the fog and colors of this shot below

the pups happily played in all the snow as i dug.  Tusker used to fight the shovel so he'd make the job more of a challenge, though more hilarious.  silly pups. 

these guys just chased and wrestled. 

thankful for A. less pain finally, it's been an exhausting few days. always makes me have more sympathy for folks who have chronic pain issues.  B. beautiful days in the 20 degree range.  so comfy C. when good people win. go Greta!!  :-)

boob injury from sledding....haha! Merry Christmas

 

pretty sure i pulled a muscle under my boob sledding this afternoon. i'm sneezing right now which is not helping much. you know you are getting older when you hurt your boob. nothing is sacred as we age. 

sledding was a bit of a mess since Kincaid was blowing something pretty fierce. i made 5-6 runs though. i was dared a bit. the snow was blown over so punchy but i did find one pretty solid run so i just tried to hit that. not many others brave enough to stick out a sledding day so not many out there. the dogs were able to just run around.

i woke early to get the turkey started. i have a new roaster pan so i wanted to try that out. the turkey was adequately thawed so i didn't want to waste that.  especially since i'd confused the size in pounds with the price...so i paid much more than i thought i did. probably shopping after working a night shift. haha.

there weren't any of those roaster bags so i just had it in the roaster and the bottom bits got burned a bit so i couldn't make gravy out of those bits...turkey/potatoes/dressing...really just not as delicious with out that homemade gravy. so a bit of a wash on that end as well. i had a packet of gravy and just made that but it was brown gravy so really i just ate mashed potatoes before i went sledding and packed all the rest away. in the end this evening i made spaghetti since i was mostly in the mood for that tonight anyway. 

the dogs did get to open their gifts. lots of prezzies. they had fun with that.  tonight i went to let them out and play in the yard but it was drizzling.  we may look like Seattle does right now...all ice! 

travel has been a mess all over the lower 48 especially.  winter storms all over down there. streets of sheer ice in Washington.  lots of videos of cars and humans sliding all over the place. 

that idiot abbot from Texas shipped a few more busloads of refugees to the vp of the USA's house. always nice that the i believe in Jesus crowd so ignore the words of Jesus when it comes to treating people with love and kindness. that is lost on all of them. 

spoke to a brother tonight.  when a conversation about time came up. there was something about me leaving the church and like it was for the time off...i'd said that was a big perk of leaving was the free time. i just said point blank. i didn't leave for free time. i left because i just didn't believe it was true. 

i mentioned the money issues as well bothered me. like with covid, why weren't members given an option to just not pay their tithing if they were struggling.  i mean it's a church that has over 100 billion dollars in assests/cash, whatever. he said something like people have free agency to pay or not pay.  i then asked, can they get a temple recommend if they haven't paid their tithing.  no.  and they can't get to the highest kingdom of heaven without going to the temple...so people are made to choose between feeding their kids or going to the highest level of heaven? seems a pretty poor and cruel choice really. 

no church should ever make people make such choices. the ward only has so much money allocated for welfare for their congregation.  this he said.  silly.  if you are in a poorer ward boundary you are screwed, wealthy one, better off.  this is a common theme in this and many religions.  money seems the key to heaven...only with God money is the root of all evil.  they never seem to get that message. 

people make their choices though.  i'm happy my choices led me away from that emotional/religious manipulation.  it really is a manipulation. holding heaven and your family over you.  if you do not do this or that you won't be with your family in the next life. 

Christmas as we celebrate it was taken from many pagan rituals as a means of eclipsing the pagans and forcing Christianity of the masses. Jesus would not be turning people away at the border or busing them to other people to become their issues.  the general Christian community has opted to look the other way on so many issues in their current Christianity. it's frustrating.  they act like they have heaven all wrapped up and the rest of us will go to hell....not so fast. Christians are driving more and more away from Christianity as many are disgusted with the themes of hatred and persecution. 

historically, this does happen with this and various religions.  people will only take so much before they start to embrace freedom over religious demands and manipulations. iran and afghanistan are both seeing rebellions from the women, who do not want to continue to live or return to a life where they have very few rights or freedoms.  shocking really how much most will tolerate though.  hitler used religious bias to push his racist agenda. it wasn't all at once, it was incremental.  people fell in line.  

you have to scream loudly or you will suffer and generations after you will suffer. 

i know, i'm a downer on this big holiday.  celebrate as you will.  just remember that many have different beliefs or lack of beliefs.  much of this stuff that we do has other meanings and/or origins. trees, santa, presents.  it's a blend of many things. you can believe other things but still want to celebrate with some of the rituals. santa is not really Christianity. Jesus birthday during the taxation time was not likely at this time of year at all. solstice like the tree was taken over from the pagans.

mormons stole their temple rituals and secret stuff from the masons...who were not big fans of smith for this very reason.  the mormons are supposed to keep these things secret even though these things were stolen from the masons and smith did not keep the masons secrets. 

i do enjoy the lights and mood and music of the season.  otherwise it's really just regular days for me. 

some years i have made myself sad by putting more meaning on these days than they deserve. eat drink and be merry...or sled and hurt yourself.  i like the message of Christmas even if i don't always appreciate the religion that holds claim to this holiday season. 

Christianity is at a cross roads in my mind.  will they continue to embrace or allow the hatred and cruelty to steal the beauty that does exist in their beliefs or will they kick these crazy, hate filled fools out.  how things turn out for Christianity will be up to them. 

watched a few flicks. tonight i watched the Grinch, 2018. a sweet version of the Grinch of whoville. 

i also had the Christmas Story on as i cooked. always a favorite since it came out.  last night i watched a bit of scrooge and it's a wonderful life.  the later of those kind of cracks me up.  i know many who root for George Bailey in the movie but in real life they vote and support the Potters of the world.  they don't even seem to realize it. 

caught 3 light events/displays this past week.  so this was the third out at the Botanical Gardens.  shorter, closer to my home...blocks really.  always a good time though.  

thanks KR for joining me on a few of these and for snapping this photo

this one above was at the zoo lights event. 

these are in Homer a few summers ago. 

i made it to Ruth Arcand yesterday.  well, Saturday now i guess. i was taking this middle loop but in the end i crossed over.  it was 10 below again so that change probably took me away from some rocks i was thinking may be on a separate loop.  not worth it that day to loop back around.  trail not too bad. 

the day before that i think i was just at the dog park. then i wanted to do a few errands.  

roads are still not overly plowed. so some roads that usually had 2 lands only have one. thank the GOP and their fear of socialism...they don't seem to understand that a democratic socialist system could give them control over how their tax dollars can help them and others live better lives.  now they just give all their tax dollars to the rich.  a fool and their money are soon parted with zero services given. so annoying. 

clam gultch. 

hoping for a nice long sleep tonight. maybe i can pick up some gravy tomorrow at the store. eat my turkey dinner for lunch tomorrow. 

i did allow myself a midnight snack treat last night for Christmas.  :-)  one cookie size of cookie dough.  

need to do some shredding.  the snow put us behind on recycling pick up and now there will be no mail or trash pick up tomorrow.  holiday.  so garbage on Tuesday.  i have loads of cardboard/recycling so it will take a few loads to get that cleared out. that is only every other week. 

pretty star. 

not sure when i'll pull all the Christmas decorations down. the fake tree can stay up longer. many leave it up until right after the new year. maybe my next stretch off.  maybe get a few bins and clean out that storage area.  toss stuff i don't use anymore.  maybe i can fit the tree in there. we shall see.

small place so it does take up extra room having all the Christmas stuff out. 

hopefully i haven't depressed anyone with my Christian/Christmas stuff. these evangelicals have really allowed themselves to be hijacked and it's hurting all Christianity at this point.  if you do not stand up and out, you will be lumped in. so far it doesn't seem like many are willing to stand up to these extreme religious factions.  it's severely damaging them all 

i can only really control what i opt to do with it all. i do feel like i'm not as willing to just shut up about these things. i don't think i have to be hateful and i try not to be.  still, i feel like things need to be said.  ultimately people make choices as to what they listen to and what they ignore.  there is only so much that can be ignored.  at some point we are responsible for the things we choose to ignore...ignorance comes from ignore. blind obedience and all the excuses that come with that...there is still some accountability. 

happy swimming dogs. 

the wind has blown some snow away.  so that means some from on top the roof has also blown away.  warm temps may melt some more away. 

snow is predicted to fall over night. none spotted yet though. 

then cloudy and i head back to work again on Thursday. 

did manage to get the mandatory education completed. my brother said he got a loyalty bonus. perhaps one day hospitals will figure out they should pay bonuses to staff that stay rather than always just paying out to new people who come.  my own fault for not job hopping to take advantage of that. 

chilling pets.  love to watch the animals sleep so peacefully.  do they see this in me when i sleep

anyway, no matter what i believe or do not believe, another Christmas season is over.  gifts were shared as a way to thank those who keep you in their lives despite your flaws and being difficult at times.  it is appreciated. music, cute decorations, a lit tree, means of making our lives a little brighter in a dark winter. a way to remind us of the good messages that are at the heart of the teaches espoused to Jesus. love thy neighbor, do not judge...kindness, acceptance. 

a new year is upon us. 2023.  what will it bring? we will have to wait and see. go forth with a positive attitude and hope. 

speak your mind...but be willing to listen.  so many different ways to view all aspects of this life we all are living. there is no one way forward.  like a braided river, we can travel many different paths and still come to the great ocean. 

the mistake is always in thinking you are right or you have the only truth or the only way...just bogs down one path...beaver damn i guess. the only way through that is to just break it down. 

my goal for next year...declutter. too much crap. 

well, i guess i better get off this computer and crawl into bed.  hoping the muscles feel better not worse tomorrow. 

thankful for A. the people who stick it out with me despite my many flaws.  B. the pretty lights, music, spirit, movies...and food that light up the season. C. friends who will sled in the worst of weather.  haha.