we aren't all okay and it's okay to not be okay...

 

we deal with a lot of death and dying.  we are expected to just be okay with that. we aren't asked if we aren't okay. we aren't asked anything. we just get back to work, take care of the next patient, move on to the next death. 

don't get me wrong.  it can actually be one of the most rewarding things being there for that time in life.  being there for the patient, for the family, for your co-workers.  i suspect we have all pretended far too often that we are tough as old leather and we just move from death to death not impacted in the least. we are impacted. some deaths are more impactful than others. the young ones, the sudden ones, the unexpected...

we aren't encouraged to take care of ourselves and our own emotions related to the deaths we deal with.  the opposite actually. they need us to be at work.  they need us to suck back any feelings we may have and be there for the next patient.  there is never enough staff members for us to just deal with our feelings. to be in the moment of a death. to admit that we aren't okay being okay this time or that time. there have been times they are trying to flip the bed quickly and give you another critical patient after you just had a death.  you are expected to just flip a switch on the one death and move on to another. 

the song by Nightbirde comes to mind often.  she was young, she died of cancer. the song is "it's ok". it's true for us all. "it's okay, it's okay, if you are lost, we are all a little lost and it's alright". 

does it get harder to deal with the death? not sure.  i think you learn to tuck it in deeper over time. it never means it's not there, brewing...

we aren't really granted mental health days or even encouraged to deal with what we deal with. we aren't anything, really.  we just return to work the next day as if there was no break in our hearts. 

i've seen the videos and photos coming out of Gaza and Israel is not doing themselves any favors.  they are not winning the social media war by relentlessly bombing an area that is predominantly children...as the life expectancy is quite low in the area. this situation is proof of the futility of it all. the terrorists come and destroy lives in the most brutal fashion and then they are bombed in a rage that seems to defy rationality. supposed proof that hospital wasn't targeted, perhaps not but they are going without power, water, fuel. incubators full of babies that will die without those basics...not a great look to have out there. there is no good side in this conflict. it's all horrific. what Hamas did was horrific, what Hamas continues to do by using their hostages as cover and tools and by also using the people of Gaza as their shields and social media fuel. they don't care about those poor people any more than Israel does. 

my heart breaks for the hospital workers who are trying to stop the bleeding with minimal support and tools. they must go from death and disaster to more death and disaster. they aren't okay and never will be and yet they will keep carrying on, because that is what you do. you help who you can and look away from those you can't. 

today, i'm a little not okay but it's okay. we have the benefit i guess, of knowing that our issues are small by comparison.  that helps a little i guess. still, it's okay, to not always be okay. 

my internet has been mostly out this past week.  tv as well. so it's been many phone calls to tech support, trip to the store in hopes of fixing the issue and finally a visit today from the tech crew. admittedly, their service is much better than a few years back.  thank you. it should be noted that FU is part of my password.  haha. so that's been a bit frustrating as well. tech stuff can make you nuts. i worked last night and tech was scheduled for afternoon so i could sleep and return to work tonight. instead they called to see if they could come early.  that meant only a few hours sleep and a headache.  couldn't get back to sleep after they called. my router had decided to not accept my password. 

i put the year i change the router into the passcode, which i think the tech guy actually saw as clever. gives me an indicator as to when it's due. i was thinking soon i'd change it out and get a new computer as this one is pretty dated as well. anyway, ended up calling out.  too exhausted, no sleep, headache.  can't really deal with other peoples issues in that state.  took a long nap this evening and i'll return to bed soon. 

my first 3 nights were peds/picu.  those nights also made me not okay this week. i'd probably be called a bit of a less than stellar employee because this is probably more mental health day off, but we need to take care of ourselves some days.  

we were made to believe we are professionals.  each time i clock in and out, now with the added in/out for our lunch breaks...it's just a reminder that we were tricked into believing we were professionals. nurses are blue collar workers.  we punch a time clock, professionals are not on a clock.  

i have my stretch off now.  will be good to put some distance between myself and the hospital. 

i also had to go in for my n95 mask fit testing, i'd missed the annual one and they figured it out, haha. sadly, that also flagged my employee chart.  my tetanus is overdue and they say i never got a hep b titer.  i have gotten a few i know.  i've also had 7 hep b vaccines and i always convert back to being a non-responder. so going in there early Monday morning was not what i wanted to do.  i knew it wasn't them but i really didn't want to be at the hospital that day. i found myself tearing up over the annoyance of it all.  in truth i just wasn't okay with the emotions of my work nights. 

being okay with not being okay is not something we allow ourselves all that often.  the added little stressors will just bring out the emotions you are trying to repress. 

on the plus side the world has frozen overnight here. i love the ice time before the snow covers up the ice. i do love snow as well. but it is fun to get a good ice time.  so many cool ice formations out there.  the lakes are freezing over fast.  it's wild how sudden it can all be. 

Sunny was a bit baffled the other day at the dog park.  mostly frozen but on a few edges there was some open water.  he was in the water but pawing the ice. so confused, so cute. 

just have to be careful until it's all really solid. there is always some danger in ice but it really can be magical. the frost, the variations that ice can form in is crazy wild 

i'm back to rambling. lack of sleep still. 

i have a meeting with a potential board member this week.  so excited.  :-)  

also Halloween. i need to get the candy slide ready. 

these are from a warmer time this summer and last summer. 

always enjoy the wildflowers.  each season brings such change and drama...love it all. 

got rid of the landline. they said i could get a free phone with the changes i made to bring down my costs overall...since i was already at gci. the land line was more expensive. so the old number will still have a phone attached to it.  had liked the idea of the land line for more of the WARIS stuff.  also it's a samsung.  new system.  still figuring it out.  good to have a back up though. also good to try a different brand. easy to stick with iphone as it's more known to me.  still, the cameras are supposed to be good on the samsungs so free is free. 

also got my desk cleared since i had tech coming over. 

the dogs were not happy with being locked outside while tech was here. they survived. 

love these little state flowers.  forget me nots.  so delicate and pretty

my little kayak.  was just testing it out. 

a favorite tree, well trees i guess. great photo spot.

Ivy on the beach. 

did some shutterfly shopping on my last stretch off. hope they turn out acceptable. you just never know. 

he's got a big head. 

well, i better crash. headache is cleared so that is always good. another demerit for me.  what can i say, we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. 

grateful for A. not being a healthcare worker in a war zone B. being in a position to be able to take care of myself C. the kindness of strangers who helped me this week.  at employee health, gci and shutterfly. got some discounts as well. take care of yourselves out there....