the long journey of deconstruction...

 

feeling like i'm coming full circle on the deconstruction of the religion of my youth. why has it taken me so long? i'd say there are several factors. the internet for one, the culture was another. 

i did not have all that much information when i initially deconstructed. there was no internet, there was just me, reading and praying and asking questions. questions that weren't really answered adequately.  those thought terminating cliche's i speak of. there was so much i was not settled with in the church but i guess the "shelf breaker" for me was the proclamation about polygamy.  in that polygamy itself is not denounced. it is only announced that it will no longer be practiced on earth so that Utah could become a state. 

i already had many views that grew further from the faith i was raised in. gays, blacks, polygamy, the money, the new testament vs organized religion.  i think that one thing just solidified my views that the church i'd been told my whole life was the one and only true church was not 

i stopped attending. mostly i just started working on Sundays. it was easier than making an issue of it.  my family didn't really comprehend i "left" probably for years. i'd attend enough, still worked with girls camp. my life in and out of the church were pulling apart though. 

looking back i see that at the time the social context was if you left the church it was because you wanted to be bad, to sin.  it was because you hadn't been strong enough to gain a testimony.  there was no exit path.  the only right answer was the church was true.  

so i feel like now, i spent decades trying to prove myself in this situation. prove that i had done the proper reading and praying and all that.  prove that i was still a decent human.  in the end...there was never going to be a positive outcome to this. nobody from the church, family or otherwise, was going to accept any of my attempts to prove that i had come to a decision and wasn't just out to party or some other canned reason given why people leave. so the end result was that i spent decades trying to prove myself worthy of their continued love despite leaving the church...

only to discover, it was never enough. the worst would always be assumed of me.  it was a losing battle. i just could never see that and just worked harder to prove myself. 

i had not left and become a partier.  i had not left and done drugs or gone to jail. i had left and remained a decent human.  a good person overall, though flawed as we all are. none of that was ever going to matter. 

covid, a phone call, a reunion,  family visits....research, listening to others on the internet, more research, more soul searching. none of it changed their views of me nor my views of the religion.  

i believe that because i had no internet, it didn't exist at the time of my exit, it was just work i needed to do to prove to myself that i wasn't just a lazy person, that i hadn't just left to party.  there was much more out there disproving this religion than what i had known initially. i just needed to go through this part. the internet just verified what i already had known.  i needed that confidence to stop me from questioning myself like they all did. 

i spent decades seeking acceptance. the level of acceptance i hoped for will never happen.  they live in a bubble. they want to live in that bubble.  they do not want to ask the questions that came so easily to me.  they are happy in their space. 

the full circle is that i just make them feel uncomfortable. i do not change anything else for them. i just make them have to ponder things they do not want to ponder. i cannot change the situation.  all i can do is walk away for the most part and give them their peace.  

accept what is. this brings me peace as well. it's time to stop bashing my head into the wall that is their truth.  my truth is just very different and no amount of convincing will change how i will be viewed.  there will never truly be full acceptance and it has become too painful for me to do the work of trying to fit in to a world that i will never fit in to. 

with me out of the picture they are free to speak and be who they are.  that is probably the best gift i can give them this season of giving.  

there is just so little we can agree on or even speak about without it becoming controversial. it's too difficult to not speak up during conversations.  so i have been backing off more and more. give them their peace though i do not agree with the bubble they chose to live in...they do not believe in the world i live in. 

in truth i do feel more peace. i'm sure they do as well. 

if you are working at being a part of something, you were never meant to be a part of it.  acceptance and belonging are not a struggle.  acceptance and belonging are a thing of peace. it has  been a difficult few years coming to terms with that reality and i know i should have figured it out decades ago. events do change things in our little worlds. sometimes we have to really be hit over the head with truth and reality to find our way.  this world is great because we do have that opportunity to continuously grow and change.  ourselves, our values, our opinions.  we can also chose to not change any of that. 

at a certain age, i suspect demanding change is a cruelty.  leaving a church that is so your entire existence is painful at any stage of life, but i'd guess it would be truly terrifying at a later stage in life. the pain i felt in my 20's would be multiplied after one has served a mission, done temple work, married, had kids, given 10% for decades.  the real kindness is to just let it go. let them believe the things that make them comfortable. at this stage the chances of those beliefs changing is next to nil. 

so i have mailed off the annual cards/calendars and sent a few gifts to those who i find make more of an effort. there is no hate, there is not a total loss of hope. it's more of a reality of what is possible and a truth of what isn't. 

one of the movies i watched years ago i loved because it was this reminder that having expectations can destroy your current experience.  we must let go of expectations.  this view of the family was an expectation that just took me much longer to release.  the movie was "leaving normal".  not much in life will meet expectations. somethings will fall far below and some things will rise far above. our best bet is to walk through life with minimal expectations and then to just adapt to what may come. 

joy is often found by surprise. when we least expect it. mostly i find joy in the smallest of things. that is just how i am. i love finding a tiny mushroom and sea shell or wild flower or animal sightings. connecting to other humans in tiny moments, whether they are known to me or not. an interaction with a cab driver can bring me joy as it opens my world to a new view, a new opinion that i had never occurred to me. 

part of my recent struggle with anxiety i believe now, has to do with letting go of the safety net religion is.  without it you have to accept that you do not have the answers to all those big life questions that religion ties up for you, albeit in a very complicated and nonsensical tale. 

you must accept that you are not protected from this big world by some connection to a God that likes you more than others. you have to accept that you can be a terrible person or a good person and that life will give you things or take things from you either way.

you have to accept knowing and understanding less but find a way to find peace in that. i'd say the other way is easier.  having some story to make it all feel okay, having some feeling of retribution for those people who are truly evil in this world.  there are just bad people doing horrific things and some of those terrible people may never "pay" for being bad. they may spend their lives living large. having things and being with  people that you do not feel they deserve. 

i don't always like accepting that. i still tell myself there is some karma, i know there may not be. 

it's also letting go of our own value/importance. religion puts you above others in this world.  that you were born to the truth or found the truth and all those other people were not. it's really filled with an ego. we want to feel valued, but the truth is we are only of value to those around us that actually value us. this is why war is so easy, all they have to do is make one group of people feel valued over another group to feel the other group doesn't deserve what we deserve.  or that the other group is the cause of us not getting what we deserve. 

in my 20's i lost my faith in the church, in these past few years i have lost my faith in religion in general. 

is the process complete, i don't believe so. if we are living life right, we are always in the process of learning.  each stage we are gifted is an opportunity to grow and expand. 

for years i have believed that there is probably more to all of this.  that we can't possibly learn all one can learn in one life.  reincarnation? maybe, maybe not. there are no doubt things i will tell myself to find some level of peace in a world that defies understanding. 

i find it much more comforting exploring all the various options and never knowing which could possibly be true than i did being told i was miraculously born into the right religion. that i somehow did something in a pre-life that merited me getting a leg up in this one. 

it makes it easier for me to hear others truth and ponder those. have i just not found an option that really works for me or is it that that option will never exist. 

the bottom line for me.  is to enjoy the time i am  here. to not put so much pressure on myself to be a certain person. i am who i am. the people who enjoy being around me will continue to be around me, those that don't, will wander off on their own paths. 

for me right now, i'm trying to put in the work of taking fear and anxiety out of my days.  of accepting myself and others where they are.  it's an ongoing process, one that will come with failings. 

glory in imperfections. glory in letting go when letting go is the best option. 

glory in the relationships that bring me peace and joy, glory in the beautiful aspects of this world we live in.  

finding ways to focus on the positive and beautiful and looking away from those things that you can't control. our time on this earth is too short to be so stressed over things that are out of our control

my fake tree is up.  the bulk of packages mailed.  why celebrate a holiday i don't really believe in? i believe in people, i believe in the experience of being human and i believe that goodness and love and giving are powerful things of this experience. i believe this season celebrates that more than one human's impact on the earth

i better get this day started. back to work tonight.  walked Rovers Run yesterday. the trails right now are total icy crap. not many photo ops out there at this moment. i'm sure if i drove further from my house i'd find more beautiful things. this week i chose to stay close. the dogs are happy walking where ever. they are happy being around me. if you want to completely belong, get a dog.  

thankful for A. the journey B. those who come and go in our lives and always leave their mark that helps us grow and learn. C. acceptance

post Thanksgiving brain ruminations

 

more from summers past now. we are deep into winter, although it was raining last night. 

was at a friends house for Thanksgiving yesterday. we had more dogs than humans....so much entertainment.  lol. she fosters dogs, well, puppies. they have a puppy specific adoption clinic tomorrow so hopefully, they can find a few homes for the little pups. i really thought Sunny Boy would be stoked to hang with a pack of puppies, but he mostly froze and was like, they are grabbing my tail.  a bit panic stricken, funny since he's such an annoying puppy with his corn cobbing...i say puppy but he's now two. still doing the corn cobbing act on poor Ivy Rose.  he did not learn a lesson from his puppy experience last night.  he was pretty tired though. he preferred when they were in their gated area. 

i was a bit dreading this last work stretch as it was to be 3 on, 1 off and 3 on again as i'd picked up for a co-worker. in the end. the hospital wasn't all that crazy so last week and this week i got a night of on call where i never got called in.  lucky one night as my power, the whole neighborhood really, it went out and was out for nearly 5 hours. my little bedside dvd player holds a charge so that was my main night light for the night.  i watched dvd's and eventually fell asleep. another night i was on call and did get called in to do holds in the ER. worked PICU a few times...had 3 babies all have code browns one night. that may have been my last stretch. it all  blends. i worked ER a few nights that both ended up with me being able to head home an hour or so early, always a treat. so not bad at all. 

the snow mess turned into a rain/ice mess. our street is uneven as all hell, but people are no longer getting stuck.  i ordered some replacement traction pads since the guy i helped get unstuck did not return them as promised. i helped several people, including him twice and in the end all that good will directed towards others just got me shorted my gear. just when you have a warm and fuzzy feeling about your fellow man...they go and pull that crap.  

my old neighbor Ramsey would have just said the traction pads were just not mine anymore.  like some universal power decided to gift my gear to another. really it was just downright rude of the guy but in the end, i ordered more as i do not think i'll ever see those items again and better to not stew over it. better to be prepared myself in the future. i have driven around a bit looking to see if i can see where they live. it's close but they may actually park in a garage. who knows. 

the universe gives and the universe takes.  it's just stuff in the end so you hope that he in turn uses the gear he kept to help someone else down the road. 

my last stretch off was really just dealing with the snow.  i have felt badly for the dogs as the walks were less than optimal the past bit.  we've hit the dog park several times.  this snow was heavy wet snow that was punchy and just a mess...so a bit bummed that we missed out on the usual snow fun due to the mess of it all. the dogs did have fun...they are pretty easy to please.  will be lots of tennis balls in the back yard in the spring i suspect again. 

one day i did brave the streets and made it to the dog park.  we weren't there too long before a young bull moose was out amongst us charging everyone...cleared the park. i stuck around a bit to see if he'd move on and we could walk.  he didn't.  so i went to Campbell Airstrip only to be met by yet another irritated young bull who was charging people...i think the snow was too much for the big beasts. 

Sunny still interested in moose but lately i've luckily seen the moose first.  whew! i have no desire to see him get kicked or to get stomped on by a moose annoyed by my silly dog. 

holiday season is upon us. i did take advantage of the snow induced downtime and got the bulk of the Christmas cards addressed and the bulk of the calendars ready to ship out.  i got the fake tree out and have started re-fluffing it.  never thought i'd do the fake tree but by the time we get them up here half the needles are off just setting up the tree. i may buy a small charlie brown tree to enjoy the scents. nice to be able to put the tree up early though and enjoy it longer. 

i do like to get the business stuff of Christmas out of the way so i can enjoy the season and feel of the season more. it's not a religious holiday to me.  just an extended reminder of kindness and giving...oddly, the things that Christ actually taught that seem to have been completely lost of many of his followers. 

always so odd that what i read in the New Testament was basically saying all the crazy rules from the Old Testament were not necessary really. Jesus basically was simplifying it all.  be good humans, love one another, help each other, do not judge....but from what i see people have returned to complicate it all. 

it's like the conspiracy theorists, who are frequently the same people who have complicated religion.  not sure why this happens.  in complicating it all does that make people stop asking questions because they believe only certain humans can really understand it all.  they allow themselves to be spoon fed these complicated routes back to heaven. a complicated heaven.  they are then taught to utilize these thought terminating cliche's or thought numbing cliches as i see it.  they learn to stop asking those questions and instead accepting the most bizarre, fantastical explanations of something that is no doubt much less complicated.  

why would a God require special clothing or underwear or handshakes or made up names.  all of these things actually created by humans. if you ask a few questions the crazy religious rules fall apart quickly.  there is no way all of the humans who have ever lived can be baptized by proxy. it's just a bizarre ask really. it's all just bizarre asks. 

still, i'm trying to be more accepting of their acceptance without question. brains just work differently i think.  i wasn't okay with the terminating cliche's. i needed more answers...and those answers do not exist really. not the way these religions do it.  i just do not believe religions should be so complicated that only a few well studied theologians can possibly understand it. i don't believe those people know or understand any more than any one else, they simply have worked their way through the complicated crazy conspiracies. 

i'm not wondering more and more...is the bible nothing more than the wild eyed conspiracies of another generation. to my mind, none of them actually know any more than i do. there are things we can't know. the difference between religions and myself...i accept that i do not have knowledge of what happens or why while they demand others believe that they do know. 

i watch the madness of what is happening in Israel and Gaza...it just gets down to who has the better God, who does God like better...it is complete madness. so many killed, so many wars...all over who has the right conspiracy theories about the potential afterlife?? who is wearing the most God approved clothing and avoiding the right sins. eating the right foods, having sex with the right people...

to my way of thinking it all just feels so egocentric.  that there is some all powerful being up there paying attention to my problems, paying attention to my infractions of these insane laws...they must realize that whether you drink coffee in this life will have absolutely no bearing on your exaltation in the next life or not. 

that a just God would favor one group over another simply because they wore special underwear and chanted in a temple while wearing strange clothing and practicing handshakes through a curtain. 

people do believe it though.  hard as it is for me to accept that, they are happy living that life. they prefer to have things all tied up.  they want the most convoluted answers to be the answers.  they like believing they had a leg up in the previous life and will quite possibly live in a better place than most of the other humans that have ever existed on earth, simply by following these rules. 

it's not an easy thing for me to accept some days. it's frustrating.  i am the problem. i try to force them to ask questions that they have no interest in asking and even less interest in hearing the truth about. 

in the end, the most kind thing i can do is accept defeat. leave them to live this life and no longer tempt them with things that might make them ask the questions that always came so easily to me. 

luckily for me, this is a simple process.  they have proven over decades to have little interest in any real relationship with me.  it was only me who believed it was possible. it was me trying to make weekly calls or holiday calls. most of which weren't answered or returned.  i just do less of that now.  give them the peace they want while allowing myself the truth and therefore peace myself.  

hope/expectations can be painful if not managed or realistic. 

you must surround yourself with those who see you and who accept you as you are.  i wasn't accepting them either. i wanted them to ask the same questions i'd asked, i wanted them to see what i saw. so real love is acceptance and all that is left is to walk away more and more and give them their peace.  they are better off without me trying to wake them up to things they do not want to wake up to. they prefer to just cover the strange, unanswered questions with thought terminating cliche's. it brings them peace. 

bottom line, i'll send them calendars/cards at Christmas.  wish them well and listen to them if they do call. my goal going forward is less though. those who accept me, i will accept into my inner circle, those who don't, don't want to be in that inner circle.  it's not that difficult to discern which is which. 

you do not have to hate or dislike even. you can love, it's just a love that has always had limits and boundaries. it's a love that i was anxious and stressed trying to make more than it ever could be. 

religion divides people.  you must match to remain, if you can't match, you can't remain. 

it's been a stressful few years but i do feel i have grown immensely. we are always growing if we allow ourselves to. i personally, fear that religion also can stunt some.  acceptance of the bizarre with complicated and impossible goals and outcomes.  nobody can really measure up. i never could for sure. the goals are not within our grasp.  for me letting it all go was so freeing. 

i do not know the answers to many of the big questions in life but it's much more comforting to me accepting a lack of knowledge than trusting the craziness. i could never make it make sense because it never can make sense. there are things we don't understand...some of those thought terminating cliche's have that right...it's just that for some of us we accept the nothing and for others they have to have something to fill the void. that something that they fill that void with is so outlandish as to be forever indiscernible. 

it makes them happy to believe it all, crazy as it all is to me. 

so i will try to do better and be better at just leaving them in their world.  

the frustrating part is so many in these religions can't or won't leave others alone. they want to insist the rules of the land reflect their religions while not accepting other peoples religions either...because, well clearly their God is the better God and their God endorses their religion not the religion of others. not sure how the rest of us who have not tied ourselves to any particular religion avoid some engagement with those who are trying to inflict their religious conspiracy theories on us all. 

will say, this week was one of the most fun weeks i've ever enjoyed with blood.  they are blood in body and spirit. it was good to know it was possible. that acceptance was possible.  i've spent far too many decades attempting to fit in and failing. feeling so awkward and out of place. 

i do much better in smaller groups as well, that includes family. being around so many was never comfortable.  we were talking about big thanksgiving meals.  for us, every Sunday meal was 15-25 people.  i was never comfortable in the crowd that was family. it was just way too many people.  

add in all the entire wards/stakes...we are not all built to be around crowds. all those activities, trying to make nice with people i couldn't always relate to. it was always awkward and uncomfortable. to me just another reason why religions are wrong...we do not all fit in the box that we are meant to fit in. nothing can be right that only works for a small number. 

i am thankful though.  it's the holiday to give thanks...a holiday, like many others, that comes from bull really.  the spirit of it i like. the spirit of being thankful, like Christmas to me is more about the spirit of kindness and generosity. 

i'm thankful i asked a lot of questions. i'm thankful i met people who would not accept crazy thought terminating cliche's from me and instead kept pressing me to use my mind.  i'm thankful that life brought me to Alaska.  i'm thankful for all the people i've met along the way.  i'm thankful for all the animals that have shared me life with me. i'm thankful i have been lucky and haven't had to deal with some of the torture and atrocities that others on this globe have to live with far too often. i'm thankful i've had the health and freedom to explore this beautiful place and other beautiful places.  i'm thankful i've been able to have independence and freedoms that were not always granted others. i'm thankful i had a career that i didn't alway love but was a constant reminder of what i have that others do not have. that it's allowed me to meet people from so many places and spaces. thankful that the bubble of the world i was expected to live in was blasted apart and i have been able to peer into others lives. 

still so much more growth to happen.  once you quit living you are dead...something i thought in my teen years.  i've been lazy, healing really.  having another period of life to deal with all that has come in and find a way to make it work again.  create the world all over again. it's stressful, learning and changing. when you aren't spoonfed "the answers" you have to climb the mountains. 

i hope each of you out there doesn't shy away from the mountains and the explorations of life. it's crazy and stressful and even painful at times but the end result is always a larger view and a deeper perspective and understanding. 

it's time almost for me to start looking for summer  fun. the dogs and i have some more exploring to do. 

there are rivers and mountains and flowers and mushrooms to see....

there are people to meet and laughter to be made. 

you can't please everyone and you can't change anyone that doesn't want to change.  so all you can do is change yourself, find others who live for the adventure of  it all and allow others to do the same...or to not do any of it and hope the path they were born to was miraculously the exact correct path. that feels like a pretty big gamble to me though. chances are pretty slim. 

probably should head to bed pretty soon.  can't believe November is almost over.  crazy.  i need to do some exploring and make some plans. 

life is short...

use it or lose it, right?

exploring the Kenai. i'll need to look at tides and plan accordingly. 

not much black Friday shopping for this girl.  perks of getting older is you need less stuff.  last years gear is good enough for this years adventures. 

simplicity rules the day for me.  my life is simple and i enjoy the simple beauties of it all. 

enjoying the views with some super cool blood! 

already did the grateful for list above i think...not that there isn't always more. A. turkey noodle soup like Mom used to make after Thanksgiving  B. chocolate chip cookie dough.  B. a friend who takes in strays and cooks for us.  :-) never thought i'd be a stray human, but here i am.