Happy Mom's Day and other stuff

 miss my Mom every day.  the world is just a lonelier place without her here.  we used to speak every day.  we'd had our differences as all kids and Mom's do, but Mom's forgive you those awkward teen years.  they forgive all and only see the good in you it seems.  my Mom was my biggest champion and some days it's tough to be in this world without that.  i'm sure there were choices i made that were a disappointment to her but she saw past that and did love me unconditionally.  i was lucky for all the years i did have with my Mom, though I would have loved to have had more.  some have so few years with their Moms.  some get no time with their moms and for some their mom's had issues that made it impossible for them to be the parents that were so needed.

 being a great Mom isn't a given.  there are some terrible ones out there.  my Mom loved her role though.  despite moments of frustration with life in general i never doubted that my mom was happy being a mom.  she took great pleasure in watching each of us become who we were meant to be.  our home was filled with laughter and music.  our home was filled with love and hugs. i know she will always be with me in spirit...but i would still prefer to be able to just pick up the phone.  thank you mom for giving me the love i needed when i needed it. for giving me a stable and secure upbringing.  for loving me even on the days when i felt unlovable.  it will never be forgotten

 not much getting out this week.  the dogs have been walked most days.  they have been more than tolerant of our current situation.  i'd really hoped to get to work last night.  figured i could get through 12 hours.  happy i didn't.  i don't think i have slept this much in years, nor have i puked this much.  i'm still having episodes of coughing til i vomit.  my gut is not back to baseline.  i have managed a few actual meals though.  the doc had said it can last 5-7 days and we are at day 7 now. that was a doozy. 

 overall i am much improved.  starting to put the bad behind me.  thankful that this is just temporary.  slept pretty much the entire 12 hour shift i would have worked last night.

 my sweet pups need my attention.  i am not a mom, not by choice....except that i opted to be careful and not have any accidental pregnancies.  some days you wonder...should i have been so careful, so fearful of the shame that would have followed.  in truth the single mom life just looks pretty tough.  i just never found a partner that i felt i could make a go of it with. do i regret any of that...no point living with regrets.  you can't change what you can't change. all you can do is live forward.  make the best life you can with what is gifted to you. i felt i had a lot of work through before i could contemplate starting that life.  i'm happy i took the time to do that. i'm happy i figured out what i believed before i ran into a life that would have brought me unhappiness. did it come with sacrifices, yes.  all our choices, good and bad come with sacrifices.  we can't all live every life available. so we make choices and we find our way to happiness through those decisions.

 am i content to be a "dog" mom?  most days yes.  i do understand that it's not the same.  i also see enough terrible parents out there to realize that the act of breeding doesn't in itself make you parent material. more i believe that if you have love, kindness and patience and the desire, have children, have a lot of children if you can provide all that for them along with a roof and food.  if not, don't.  if you wish to do drugs and alcohol and live that life, you do not need to bring little lives into the world.  it is not required.

 my dogs have a pretty good life.  i like to believe that if i'd had kids i would have been a decent parent.  not perfect, but better than average perhaps.  the only regrets are curiosity i think.  also that we could use a few more liberal leaning minds out there. no guarantee though that if you raise kids with one viewpoint, they won't go a totally different way...i certainly wasn't raised thinking the way i think...i was given the opportunity to think though.  the opportunity to believe differently, to ask questions. we were given the tools and encouraged to learn.

 a bit of a lonely week here.  just me and the dogs.  not much human contact.  i avoided it as i knew i didn't want to share this bug.  i'm past the contagious stage though. thankfully, the dogs can't get this.  they were constant buddies through this week.  lots of snuggle time. 

 i've been pretty lucky to have been matched with some pretty terrific pups over my life time. not sure how i would have coped without dogs.  not having a partner and kids....well, our society is not always very welcoming to folks in my situation.  we are freaks.  we are judged.  it is assumed that there is "something wrong" with us...why else would we be alone?

 it is spring here.  the leaves are popping out all over town.   i feel i have missed out on a lot this week.  mostly just hit the dog park as it was easy.  great to be able to see the re-birth of life all over though...the process begins anew.  all the plants begin to come alive, the animals prep for their coming offspring.

 always magical.

 lots of upper airway rhonchi.  it will no doubt linger for weeks.  just hoping i can make it through the day without coughing til i puke.

thankful for: A.  a first class mom who gave me life and then inspired it  B.  all those moms out there who love and sacrifice and put their wee ones first in life.  C.  the animal moms who protect by instinct. who sacrifice and struggle against the odds of survival.