back to work.....feeling older!!

 the break was great mentally and physically but the ICU is back in full swing.  i worked the last 4 nights there. it's rare i work the same place two nights in a row, let alone 4.  loved this above of the two kitties.  it was right after i came home.

 our state positives for Covid have been 5 or less for some time now.  hoping that holds but we shall see if and when tourism starts up again.  in the meantime, the low numbers have brought me improved anxiety.  meaning much less anxiety, which is great.

 have had some heartburn off and on which reminds me of a time i had gastritis, so makes me wonder if the added stress didn't get to me that way...of course, the downside to working ICU and ER is that you see all the possible ways one can die or come close to dying and you find yourself imagining the worse. could drop dead at work or get on a coughing jag and rupture my esophagus. there are many ways for your body to go and in my work i feel like i have run in to a fair share of them.

 it's a strange combination of being overly paranoid but also probably being less apt to act on things because nothing feels bad enough to act on when you see the worst of everything...like when people whine because they have a little cold bug and you are thinking of the horrible things you witnessed at work the week before.

 did take some time last week to hit the garden shop and plant the planters in the back yard. it always brightens up the deck to have flowers and the hope of some veggies though my green thumb seemed to leave me when i left California.  growing things was just so much easier there than anywhere else. hoping Covi Kitty doesn't use the planters as litter boxes.

 his one collar has been missing, part of what prompted me last week to be concerned about him leaving the yard and wanting to put up more cat proofing.  as i took the garbage out Sunday night before work there was his collar on the ground, in the front yard.  hmm...did he get it caught on the fence as he went over? it is one of those quick release.  i'm hoping the adventure scared him enough that he realizes the back yard is enough of an outdoor adventure for him.  i have treats by the back door and i try to call him in and give him treats for coming inside.

 he actually has seemed to be more content in the yard with us this week.  we've had some scattered rain since i planted these, which is perfect.

 always love all the plants and flowers in the shops this time of year.  we do not have a long growing season but Alaskans sure seem to appreciate flowers and making the place happy for the time we have.  plus, though it's a short season, we do have super long days.  i mean you can literally watch crap grow. it's crazy how fast stuff grows up here...

 the cats have been enjoying each others company more i think.  it's a pretty chill fur family at this point. it's been a smooth transition with the new kitten.  he's gonna be big.

 bags of ppe on the shelf.  nobody really knows if the place has ppe but wants us to conserve in case we do get a surge or if we just still have a very limited supply.  we are at nearly 100,000 deaths in the US, only 10 here though. it's not like the flu!

 it's amazing to hear the same folks use the same lines, but then that was what it was like being Mormon to me. i'm still amazed that after all these years there are not better answers to the questions i had as a youth. i would have thought the answers to the questions i had then would become more sophisticated as i got older but they never did.  it's the same trite responses. 

 so it's the same with the right, they just return to the same stuff.  there is just no way to have a discussion which is sad.  so the flu is not the same as Covid....why?  first off, no vaccine, second, flu you lose 20,000-60,000 a year but spread over 7-9 months...with Covid we've lost 100,000 nearly in a few short months.  with the flu we have a general idea of what we are looking at and how we can treat it. also with the flu there isn't this asymptomatic spread.  those who are passing it along are sick.  we could for sure do a better job of preventing the spread of even flu but we have never been that forward thinking here.  other places masks are more the normal.  who knew we were such an inconsiderate society.  perhaps, the bulk will change our ways out there and perhaps even decrease the spread of the known stuff.  the sunrise above was out my patients window the other morning.

 this little outdoor cat hut arrived so i put it together the other day. figure if he got caught outside one night he'd have a place to hide out.also makes a nice little table i guess.

 it was easy to put together.  no swear words, that is how i mark how easy/hard something is.  how much i have to swear doing it

 i haven't taken care of any + covid patients that i know of. i have done several tests, that i have no idea what the outcome of was.  i have debated doing extra at the testing sites.  sounds like a fairly good gig really. they will be needing staff over the next several months for sure i suspect.  folks get tested before electives and i think dental procedures as well in some places.

 lots of tennis ball time between shifts for the dogs.  some dog park action. 

 getting back to real work again and working 4 nights is a transition. i just have tonight off and then i head back for two more...then i have a stretch off. already booked time in Homer. at least i think i did.  yep...there it is.  May 31st!!  another little trek to Homer.  my little Birthday trip.  the dogs will enjoy that as well. probably just lots of little treks around Alaska this summer.  enjoy the place sans tourists i guess.

 this was at the dog park yesterday but i never saw the moose. it's been a few days so she may have moved on a bit. there was a moose several years back that raised her two calves there for several weeks.  i guess she figured the dogs would decrease the bear activity, which was probably true and she could fend off the dogs. dogs are annoying but i've never heard of one hurting a calf or a moose for that matter.

 fun to be back with my co-workers in ICU.  Docs noticed  i hadn't been there for a bit.  first night two vents.  that is the usual.  with covid some places had triple or more that.  icu is fairly nuanced...you are watching for subtle changes and acting on them. i don't see this being easy if you have 7+ patients, even with help...thus more folks no doubt died due to surges and the inability to fully care for that number of patients.  the whole point of all the curve flattening was to try to avoid the surges, like New York and Italy got...so did Washington State to a lesser level.

 with a big surge more staff get exposed and sick and thus making the situation worse as you are having over capacity patients with even less staff to cope with it. i was very impressed by those who volunteered to work in surge areas through this at risk to their own health. i know one nurse took a leave from here to go work in New York i believe.  i also heard another nurse was given an assignment with covid + patients and opted to quit rather than work up here.  there was a lot of anxiety for many out there. 

 i know when i've had super ill patients i have gotten anxious taking report.  you just wade in and start with what you know.  eventually, you are involved in the care and you just do what needs to be done.  i've taken care of some incredibly sick folks.  i think i'm pretty good at what i do. i don't think i'm the most book smart but i manage time well and have really good instincts and now a lot of experience. those things come in handy.

 still, this new virus through us all for a bit of a loop.  there is always the possibility of new viruses out there, this one...well so much we still don't know and so many get so sick.  it's not just old folks, another false thing that gets tossed around about this.  many younger people are getting very ill.  if only we knew in advance how we would personally respond to it. at least with influenza we have a general idea.  when i got influenza A, i wasn't scared it would kill me despite feeling like crap for weeks really. i had fevers off and on for several days....like 3-4, with Covid, folks often have fevers off and on for over a week to nearly 2 weeks.

 so it isn't the same folks. 

 odd thinking this week...the shower topics that go through my brain...this week one was, do souls have gender? i tend to not believe gender would carry through in the next life if it exists. i suspect its easier to think of souls as being fairly similar to what is known to us.  to me if the soul exists it's much more fluid with bodies.  when do souls enter bodies or leave bodies?

 does a fetus have a soul or does a soul enter as the first breath is taken? is time on earth a one time opportunity for a soul or does it take the next body available? those questions get into the whole abortion issues i think. what you believe can strongly impact your views on those things. 

 i don't think souls have gender...why would being male or female matter in a soul? i suspect it just gets into the whole male/female gender issues on earth.  power and control....and how those things are used by some in religion.

 some are comforted believing one thing others are comforted believing another.  loss is loss and you have to find a way to cope with the losses of this life experience.  whatever brings you peace really. the answers are not known entities, only hopes, guesses and beliefs. 

 fresh sheet night.  always a favorite.  :-)  laundry, dishes. i did get a few things done today.  i've been a bit of a slacker. need to get the dogs out for more interesting hikes.  the knee hasn't been 100% and then there are those bears to worry about.  can't let that totally stop me from getting out there though.

 do enjoy home time with the added feline.  he really does have some personality.

 this is up in ICU.

 the rest are from the last trek down to Homer.  Ivy is mostly unaware of the sea stars in her quest to have the tennis ball thrown

 hopefully there are still stars there and the tides work out decent for us.

 it's the simple things in life that bring happiness and joy for me. it's too easy to have higher and higher expectations, but expectations just lead to disappointments. 

 better to just be happy with what you have been given in this life and for all the beauty that exists

 things don't always go according to the plan...so the plans must be altered. 

 many can't do that.  they imagine their life and when it doesn't go the way they imagined they get angry and resentful and jealousy can be a tough one

 i have flaws and limitations.  i have no idea how to alter some aspects of who i am.  it's just who i am.  outspoken, independent, opinionated.  i'm aware that i am not everyone's cup of tea...i'm not the popular type.  overall, i think i am respected and co-workers seem to enjoy working with me.  that has never translated into being popular.  i don't know how some do it.  how they are able to make people flock to them, desire to be around them, invite them and welcome them. i find i just don't have whatever that is...a charm perhaps? some just make socializing look so easy. i feel like i have to work at it.  there are times i have worked really hard.  i put out effort and do the calls and invites but it's just not natural and ultimately it doesn't have the effect i think it will...or it's just that others have a more natural ability to socialize and be social.

 some have charisma i guess, people are naturally drawn to them.  i repel some i think. mostly i just exist in some vacuum. liked but easily forgotten perhaps. i'm not good at the small talk, preferring to get into deeper conversations. i feel like i am an acquired taste and most do not bother getting beyond the surface of much in this life.  part of the whole instant gratification.  instant need for entertainment.

 i have no idea. i wish i knew sometimes how to be popular, how to have a charisma that draws others to want to be around me. 

 having said that, the introvert in me no doubt pulls me away from others.  my need to be in silence some days.  the grass always does look greener.  we often want what we are not but we can only be who we are, no matter how appealing it looks to be someone other than self.

 being alone is overall a fine thing but there are those times, those moments when you wish you were center stage in some other humans life. 

 i am center stage in no ones life.  i am always just an extra in others lives. 

 everyone can't be center stage all the time, but it would be great to feel like a leading roll in someone's life and have them have a leading roll in yours...

 i am only that for the dogs and cats in my life....otherwise i exist as an extra, an also ran. forever in the background....never in center stage.  i doubt i'd know what to do in center stage at this point. 

 i better check on the critters, toss the tennis ball a few more times and shut it down for the night. perhaps watch a movie or something as drift off.

 enjoyed these humpbacks when i was last down in Homer.  wonder about a boat trip over to Seldovia for a day...hmm.  perhaps another trip.  have only been there once.  gotta be some hikes around there.

 below the tennis ball with a whale in the background. 

 off to  pay bills then crash for the night.  two more nights to go. 

thankful for A.  surviving this covid thing intact so far.  B. the company of critters.  i am center stage to them always C. pretty flowers