feeling oddly confident today...

now it may not last but i am finding that i am feeling more in control of my life.  

not feeling like i am waiting for others to satisfy me or make me feel whole if that makes any sense.  i think i was just always hoping to be included in something that i was just never going to be fully included in so now that i have mostly let that go it's starting to have a more positive impact on my overall outlook

you can't look to others to complete you, to make you feel whole.  that has to come from within and it's been a slow road for me to start to get here.  hope is a tough thing to let go of.  hope for things that just aren't to be.  when you finally accept what is possible and what isn't possible you find a new freedom. 

i do feel like covid has had a positive impact that way, despite the road getting there being painful at times. 

you know who is there for you in this life, really there for you.  the others are just nice to chat with from time to time but since you have learned you can't depend on them really...it's a release of expectations. 

you know who is truly there with you in this life.  who is checking in making sure you are okay.  

today i feel lucky and blessed to have so many in my life who do care if i am ok from day to day.  

always loved that line from a song. you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need.  i am paraphrasing this of course.  that is the gist of it though. 

booked for another stretch in Homer over the holiday.  also booked for a half day fishing trek for halibut. nummy!  i have been wanting to fill the freezer with some butt.  just gotta get my fishing license. clear out the freezer a bit of the old stuff and make room for the fish.  hopefully the weather cooperates.  so far it is looking like rain.  we will stay on the spit above the charter office.  dog friendly so the kids will be stuck in the car for the morning while we fish. 

they will survive. 

always tough to leave them...but i think that gets us back for low tide so long walks on the beach for them.  all will be forgiven and forgotten.  dogs are great like that. 

i head back to work tonight.  i hear it's been busy.  so no on call for this girl.  

had fresh sheets last night and woke up to cat puke on the comforter cover. so fresh sheets again tonight. haha. 

just met up with LS for a walk.  we both needed some motivation on this cloudy day.  

we walked past two large male moose munching away.  they didn't even hardly look up as we passed.  

then we ran into Gillian....she is a very fit elderly lady i have seen on the trails for years.  she is down a doodle. not sure what happened.  but the male must have passed away. the female is moving slower now.  i had hooked her up with the dogs when i saw an ad in Homer for doodles. she loved Blossom, who didn't!

she is in contact with Stan, who is another elderly hiker...mostly the last few years he and his dog Issac mostly had just sat on the bench at the trailhead.  he lost his license to drive though so i've missed seeing him out there.  i had offered once to pick him up so he could just chill at the trailhead while i walked but he never texted back.  

good to know he's doing okay.  

so it's a good day.  feeling like i am not seeking approval as much from external sources and finding a new peace in the sovereign nation of me.  

these are a bit of Beluga cabin and local hikes

with a few cats tossed in there.  i am always behind.  so many pictures. so much to see out there.

it never gets dull.  

my kayaker rocks...will need to paint more of these.  make these my little trademark look. i picked up many more rocks on my treks down to Homer.  will pick up more. in the winter i'll need a nice stock pile since the rocks will be frozen in and unavailable through next winter.  it's a fun little game/hobby.

the tides are supposed to be low next stretch off down in Homer as well. 

these are mostly in Kincaid at the dunes.  a little loop.  we missed seeing a bear that day by a little bit.  

there was a guy who was attacked by a bear this past week apparently.  saw it in the news.  got his head it looks like.  so scary.  not something i want to ever experience.  i do love winter just because those big brats are sleeping. 

i love all the seasons though.  it changes so fast and goes by so quickly in the summers though.  crazy.  you can walk the same place every week and see so many different things.  we shall see what this summer brings.  

probably a lot of smaller adventures but even those are pretty dang fun. 

would love to hit Kayak Island again out of cordova, Sitka is always great.  it may just be local stuff again though.  less planes is not a bad thing until this is more settled. 

the masks are coming off.  at the grocery it's been like 70% mask wearing from what i've seen. was at costco getting my membership updated and it was more like 50-60% mask wearing.  

they say if you are vaccinated you can go without masks except in crowded indoor places but we all suspect that the vaccinated folks are still masking up and the anti masker fools are the ones taking off their masks. 

the folks that wanted vaccines got them.  sorry but if the others get sick...they did have every opportunity to get the vaccine and they have chosen not to.  

the grasses are growing as is everything else. i am waiting for the yard clean up crew. i've never done that but it seems like a good idea.  they may be able to get the lawn in a better state.  i also have a few big planters on order and then the element..

he's not ready for it yet.  thanked me for my patience. i'm really not in a hurry.  would be fun to get it outfitted for some close camp outs. will have to feel confident that it will be a dependable vehicle.  

still hoping one of these companies come up with mini-campers in the next few years since it seems so many want that option.  

if not perhaps by the time i'm ready to buy a camper van i will have a savings plus be able to sell the element to bring down the cost. 

cruising around in a camper van in my retirement years sounds like fun to me. 

could even do a lower 48 trek.  

so i shall relish the good days, knowing that there will always be the days i feel less confident and less empowered.  

flowers are easy as well and they seem to work out there.  

simple is good for rock art. 

better head off this computer and try for a rest/nap before work. 

will this be the week they fire me? since that little uncomfortable conversation i have felt a bit uneasy.  

they have a new program to monitor us all on the computers.  since they are so short staff it seems silly to look for reasons to fire us but these corporations do not have any loyalty to us and as a seasoned nurse i cost more for them.  that is often reason enough.  

can't wait to get out of the rat race of this job....it's too bad you can't just do your job and serve your patients without the people in the offices complicating it all.  it's always amazing to me how quickly those who take desk jobs forget the real reason hospitals exist...well, in this nation, it's sadly for profit, but there are actually sick people in those rooms who need care and comfort.  

thankful for: A. empowerment  B. that i haven't lost touch with what the purpose of nursing is C. clarity in life