pre-work anxiety becoming more baseline...

 

the few days before my stretch starts i note some increased anxiety.  it's sudden and unpredictable. occasionally i can feel my heart racing and blips of early beats...pac's? pvc's? not sure.  i take half a dose of my anti-anxiety and then i'm fine.  i'm also fine once i'm at work.  you just get busy with the job and the situation that i have not, at least not yet, gotten any panic/anxiety during the work run...that includes the two days off between my stretch.  now it's those 24-48 hours before going back where i may get hit with one episode that requires medication. so odd. this is Covid Cat on his unofficial 2nd Birthday on Halloween.  :-) he really has been the best therapy cat for my anxiety. 

i do take some comfort in the fact that these episodes decreased greatly this summer when the covid numbers had decreased and began to increase again when the covid surge hit...so the hope is once these covid numbers decrease again so will my anxiety. 

these are a blend of photos from August/september.  this is on drive to Kennicott.

below is Independence Mine. 

Halloween was fun as usual.  i was confused because my sister texted on Saturday that she'd had over 70 trick or treaters....was it Halloween on Saturday.  so apparently in Utah, they universally choose to not do trick or treat on the sabbath.  who knew.  have they always done this?  we never did as kids but we were in California.  i got no trick or treaters on Saturday but i did get nearly 30 on sunday, the actual day of Halloween. i set up the candy slide again and it was a big hit.  i was even informed by one kid that my idea was genius!  i do not get called genius very often and when i first typed it i misspelled it, haha. he remembered it from last Halloween. more covid restrictions and very few trick or treaters, but he must have been one of them.  he even recalled that he'd gotten a full sized Hershey bar...this year it was full sized KitKats. 

as it was the night before my TNCC course at work i sat by the door and studied a bit as the kids came.  the parents and kids seemed equally excited by the candy slide.  lots of fun and laughter.  it may have to be a regular thing...even after the covid crisis decreases. 

as i said our numbers seem to be overall decreasing a bit. there sounds to be a pill that taken early may help to decrease hospitalizations.  that is really the most important thing.  i'm not sure how our nation ever gets back together.  it's a wreck really. so many crazy folks out there.

above from boat trek out of Seward.  anyway.  i guess several hundred Q fools gathered at the place the JFK was assassinated as they were under the belief that his deceased son, JFK Jr would rise from the dead and join Trump on the ticket for 2024 or just take over as Potus that day?  not sure.  crazy conspiracy crack addicts. i can't even follow the bizarre crap they chose to believe.  obviously, the dead did not rise that day nor did the fool trump show up. 

class, it was over two days. i had to awaken way, way, way too early to get there.  i do not like having my schedule and life messed with. i did get there though, always a miracle. it's just so difficult to get to bed and sleep early. i am a night person.  

though today i took a  post walk nap and when i woke up i had no idea if it was friday morning or thursday night. it was thursday night.  so here we are. 

other than the crazy mnemonics  that i had to memorize it actually went fine.  it was a good group and we sailed through fairly well. 

the second day right before we were prepping to go test out of the trauma scenario, which was just us and an instructor....i got thrown for a loop.  

an instructor walked in and she started to teach her portion of the course.  the voice and mannerisms seemed very familiar but she did not.  she knew me however.  as it turns out, unknown to me one of the educators has gone through or is going through a sexual gender transformation. i'm sure i will screw this all up and be politically incorrect.  not even sure if i described that correctly.  transition maybe better. i kind of felt like i needed to have the time and opportunity to transition myself to the transition. 

it totally threw me off because i was firstly not sure it was actually what was happening, was this the same person or was i totally wrong...this is not something you want to be wrong about. it's also not something you want to ask about. 

i want to be as supportive as i can, but first i had to know if i had a reason to be supportive or if this was really just someone totally different with similar voice and mannerisms. i was admittedly kind of happy that i did not do my test out with her because it already was throwing me off a bit.  

after class i asked a friend who works in the same area and yes, this was the same person.  i gotta tell you i just had no idea.  i mean you often really just do not have any idea what people are dealing with in their personal lives.  cannot imagine having that struggle internally. for this person, they were always so confident and positive at baseline.  gay yes, but this additional struggle.  people do not transition on a whim.  this is clearly something that a person would struggle with for years.  it is brave and i imagine terrifying to actually take that step. 

hopefully the next time i see her i will be more prepared to be supportive and positive.  in the end, other than being in the lecture room, interacting in that way, i did not have any direct contact that led me to say or do something stupid and inappropriate. 

i passed my class, took the exam at home later on line. after a nap of course. the first day i hit the dog park after class and the next day i think i may have gone to Campbell Airstrip. as usual, the days and walks all blend together at some point. 

yesterday i met a few friends to do a loop in North Bivouac, i then opted to head to Ruth Arcand and hunt for some rocks.  it was foggy much of the week. so at least crappy weather is a good time to be in a class.  if it had been sunny and beautiful i would have really been sad. 

so yesterday i got in nearly 10 miles walking. 

my friend walking at Kennicott with me.  

Seward beach for some post boat relaxation before driving back to Anchorage.

ended up meeting a few of the rock folks i have been interacting with online.  i didn't find too many rocks yesterday at first.  i ended up doing a little other loop and finding more.  fun to chat with folks on the trail who enjoy the rocks. it is a great distraction from my work stuff and anxiety. 

the light was pretty in the evening. 

i have watched a few Netflix shows these last two evenings.  tonights was called "found" i think. it was documentary style.  3 girls who were adopted from China due to the limited family size allowed there at the time.  many baby girls were left as many families could not afford the fines of having more than the allowed family size. i think you could have more in the rural area but still especially girls were not the favored.  of course, later, when the boys grew up there wasn't enough women for them all so i think that back fired in many ways.  we do not want government telling us to have children or not to have children.  many ended up with somewhat forced abortions, this is as wrong as to force women to not have abortions

through DNA testing 3 girls end up meeting who are cousins in the states.  eventually, they work with someone in china to attempt to find birth families.  they were not able to but did meet some of the nannies who worked in the orphanages with all those kids. one nanny may have 15-20 babies to care for. they did remember the individual girls and many tears all around.  the three families went with their daughters to china. so i it was a way for the girls to actually meet over zoom type conversations, the families to meet, to travel and to attempt to help the girls understand their backgrounds. 

they did meet a family who had hoped that the one was related but the DNA results were not a match.  it did help them to see how much these folks really did care for their baby but the circumstances just forced their hands. such a cruel policy really.

back at Independence Mine.

the other show i watched was a movie called, "begin again". enjoyed that as well. kind of like the movie "once".   music and people who like music who end up together kind of randomly.  you think there will be a romance but instead it's about getting lives back on track, figuring out your own life in their case.  

the aurora numbers were crazy high last night.  i mean bumping up to 9.  we were, of course, in clouds so we got to see none of it.  i was so bummed and upset.  it was crazy. i ended up being awake much of the night, looking outside and hoping. 

i had gotten up and jumped in the car and drove around town hoping to see some hope of an opportunity.  i checked the weather and the only place really was out Glacier View/Glennallen way.  

if it had been clear at Talkeetna i think i would have booked, i'd filled the tank in preparation.  the road toward Glennallen has drop offs and lots of moose and i feared it could get icy or snowy in some of the sections.  i'm still a little bummed i didn't just go for it despite it all but at the moment, driving in the dark in unknown weather conditions to and from, in my pajamas and slipper in a car without it's official snow tires...i probably made the right choice, but man was it hard to watch those numbers through the night, knowing what spectacular beauty was out there, happening and i was missing it.  

that silly Mother Nature. she really gets ya some days. 

i am off tonight because i had the class on Monday and Tuesday. i am happy for that.  

i will be there for two nights...Saturday will be the fall back night i believe, which means an extra hour added on.  how did i do this to myself.  haha. 

at least i'm off tonight though.  

walked out at North Bivouac, the big loop with another friend today.  

no idea what this week will bring at work.  can't really believe either that October is in the past already. 

finished reading book two of the Olive Kitterage  novels.  not as good as the first one.  just getting started on another book now. i'm finding i prefer to read on the ipad/phone.  avoid the night light i guess, change font size.  there are other times i'd probably tell you i prefer a real book though, so i'm pretty fickle on this one. 

the family in front of Aialik Glacier i believe.  the swells were less in here.  a few of them got a bit queasy with the swells out there. swells are pretty common out there admittedly

below is one of my favorite shots from their visit.  i know there are no faces but i just thought it was cute. 

getting goofy at low tide in Homer.

will i be able to sleep here soon after my long afternoon nap.  guess i needed the sleep.  i usually only sleep for 15 minutes to an hour.  

not even sure how long i crashed, but it does seem good to sleep when your body wants rest

that is a perk in my life.  many never get the chance to nap like that.  their lives are just much more busy and scheduled than mine. 

for sure way more swells in this area.  those are sea lions out there.

back at the tide pools in Homer below.  

like how hit and miss this all is.  better go try and crash i guess.

thankful for A. medication that chills my anxiety when i need it. B. another fun Halloween.  C. clear nights to view the aurora...it wasn't tonight though.  :-)