Halloween Eve....

 

i still need to get the final touches on the decorations. put the candy slide out there. the "door bell". looks like it will be snow free and sort of warm. maybe there will be some trick or treaters. Sunny Boy may go a bit nuts out there.

a little sad today....the old Monday walk has mostly run it's course. the last few years, the coffee part has been much more the thing. thinking i need to expand the invites again. it has altered over the years. the people who come change a bit.  that was part of the reason for the walk.  just needed to remind myself to expand the invites and see if anyone else out there wants to walk. the coffee is good too, just i need some motivation to walk and to socialize. i'm not the best socially so the Monday walks were a good way for me to push myself into the social sphere.  

the reminder was cemented as i was walking up powerline pass. i saw someone behind me that was catching up fast.  much faster walker than i am.  not that this is tough these days.  she caught up with me and the dogs with her were friendly as was she so we chatted. basic stuff...turns out she is a nurse.  works at providence.  doing a fellowship in the picu. lol..small world. i told her i'm alone but this is what we have come to call the Monday walk group.  she was welcome to join. 

it was another beautiful day out there. coldish but not too bad. the ice from last week has melted back a bit. i headed to the ponds but then took side trails. not wanting to go through the ice. then took the dogs up tank to powerline and then down gasline. 2 hours of walking.  felt good. 

toe report....slowly growing in. strange it seems to form a pre-toenail that serves to direct the new nails growth.  i was wondering how that would happen, feared an ingrown nail.  nature has apparently figured that out so i don't think i need to worry much. 

one co-worker found out i had a blog.  she was interested....are you reading? have you figured out how nuts i am in my head.  haha. 

Hamas released another hostage. is that 5? the thing to remember is that Hamas killed Americans and people who were from other parts of the world. they also took Americans hostage.  of the over 200 hostages they supposedly hold, many are from other nations, not Israel. 

i'm still not clear why they would do this brutal attack knowing that Israel would do exactly as it is doing. feels like there are just more parts to all this.  a terrorist attacks, you react.  i can't really blame Israel for that.  they have some brutality in their history with Palestine, so it's a general mess.  it's like, after surviving the Nazi's they are more apt to be proactive in an attack than take a wait and see attitude. not sure what answers there are.  the brutal terrorist attack just would serve to make the Israeli's be even more controlling so i'm not clear what the end game was supposed to be.  now thousands have died in Gaza.  Israel says it's going after hamas leadership, but i'd guess the bulk of anyone in Hamas with any "leadership" was either never there, took off to save themselves or they are hiding in a bunker that would take massive explosives to breach. 

the puppet masters that get everyone else killed are generally tucked away in some bunker while the young are sent off to kill and be killed. they are probably off in some safe place, drinking and partying. 

i've long thought one reason they want to outlaw abortion is they need cannon fodder.  how dare women choose to not give them young people to send off to war. does anyone believe the people in those bunkers, who direct the wars, give a crap about those who fight the wars for them?  

Israel says all the deaths in Gaza are the fault of Hamas.  that may be true, ultimately for their brutal role in starting all of this, however, Israel doesn't control the narrative in Gaza and most of those who will watch their loved ones die, will not see it that way.  it's a never ending cycle, you kill, you risk creating more terrorists that will come back after you another day. no matter what Israel says about the bombings, they will be held to account in their own way. also who believes they would just go peacefully into the night if Hamas released all the hostages tomorrow. after the Olympic killings, Israel systematically went after each killer. 

Hamas was informed that their way out was to release the hostages.  talk of a cease fire but what will that do? allow Hamas to steal supplies, make new plans. there does seem risk in that. Israel rejects that outright though.  US is supporting Israel.  the people in Gaza...they seem to just be cannon fodder themselves...to everyone.  at least that is how i see it. i don't see anyone coming to their rescue.  the population is young, children have been killed. Israel using bombs, Hamas burning babies in cribs, cutting off heads...that feels way more brutal.  how does such hate exist....? 

religion mostly.  

who has the better god, who does god think got the fairy tale correct. i have to figure that just because a place is predominantly this religion or that religion doesn't necessarily mean that all of the people are just as into the dominant religion as they may appear. i suspect at this point to other nations we appear to be a nation of crazy evangelical christians, when truthfully a higher percentage of our population doesn't attend any church on a regular basis. 

we all get put in the same category and then you have "leadership" that puts on this show of being so religious.  look at our idiot trump.  he has all those evangelicals believing he is as gaga for God as they are...when in reality the only god he believes in is the one he sees in the mirror. 

i just don't see the appeal of him.  he's a freak really. orange, hairspray, rude, crude, misogynistic...i have trouble finding any redeeming qualities, even more trouble finding any of the messages that i read about in the New Testament....and yet, here we are, he's treated better than Jesus would be treated if they shared the same stage. 

i can totally see him tweeting about Jesus. picking on him to try to raise himself up in the polls. saying all his usual tropes. 

i've no doubt, if Jesus did come down here, he would be rejected outright by these evangelicals and they would nail him to the cross all over and continue their trump worship. 

jesus is too woke for the likes of the evangelical crowd. 

in other news, Matthew Perry has passed.  i've always enjoyed the Friends sitcom.  easy, funny.  he's the first to pass. i really had no idea how bad his drug/alcohol issues were. hadn't heard of him getting septic it sounds like, super sick. so i guess, in that way, it's not as much of a shock. still a very sad loss. they all are when people lose years to drugs and alcohol. sad that he starred on a show called friends, and yet he passed alone. his dog will be adopted by one of his co-workers, at least that is what i read. 

was just reading about Paradise, Ca. we were talking about Lahaina and how devastating the loss there is. made us wonder what has happened in Paradise. over 18,000 structures lost there is now a bit of a building boom. 1400 homes have been rebuilt or are in the process i guess. less than half of the old population remain.  many still living in trailers on land they owned...with some push to build or get off land. many are still waiting for payouts from PG&E. there is no new way out of the community and sounds like a much smaller tax base with the loss of population.  it's struggling for sure. the mayor talks cheerily of all the progress, but it's not an easy recovery still, 5 years out. Lahaina is just getting started.  

there is added stress in Lahaina,  of the area being ripe for tourism and large corporations wanting to swoop in and snag land that has been in families for generations no doubt.  many who could never afford the costs to buy in that area now. 

the hospital in Paradise got $100 million between insurance and PG&E but the article said it isn't reopening. private roads were damaged in the clean up, federal dollars will only repair public roads. there is no sewer system at this point. one resident that stayed, rebuilt, wishes she'd just left. her advice to Lahaina "don't be scared to get out, and start a new life someplace where the next decade won't be about sifting through the physical and psychic ashes. even if you get back in your home, your life is forever changed". 

not sure how easy that will be in Lahaina.  fire is horrible. the loss seems like it goes on for years. i recall a co-worker years ago speaking of her losses. said she still thinks of things and quickly remembers the items were lost in the fire. 

then, you look at the hell in Israel/Gaza and in Ukraine and i guess it just puts things back in perspective for a moment. 

things can always be worse. these faces just make me smile.  

a walk to Grenwich, a walk on the spit and a float down the river.

cool boat at the place we stayed in Bishops Beach.

a late night sunset.

a climb in Whittier with a grand view.

paddling...fun to get back on the water this summer again.  miss our camping crew.  we had a great group and some amazing paddle treks to some beautiful places. so great to be able to share just a bit with my sweet family. 

another shooting in Maine. of course, assault rifle, lax gun laws. guy was trained sniper.  eventually killed himself after killing at two locations. 

a landlord took to stabbing his tenants multiple times because they were Muslim, this was right after the terrorist attack in Israel. the boy was 6 and was Palestinian/American. the mother was also stabbed several times but survived.  when confronted she asked them to pray for peace...then he stabbed her son many times and her as well. a few weeks before the landlord had attended the boys Birthday and brought him gifts. 

russian military killed an entire family in cold blood because they wanted their house. the hell continues across the globe. it always has and always will.  all you can really do is live the best life you can in the peace you are gifted with. you just never know when that peace will be shattered. more often than not it won't be so there is that.  i try to remember that despite what the news bombards us with, most people across the globe live their lives, simple and in a semblance of peace. 

it's easy to get sucked into the worst of what is happening out there. you can fight for better, hope for better for others but much of it logistically is not in our control. we are all just the rats in the rat race, surviving and some times thriving. 

"everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not yet the end", from that movie set in India. best Marigold Hotel....always love that line. another line i have always liked was about perspective in a movie called, "Leaving Normal". two women end up in Alaska after a road trip.  the one is happy the other is not.  the one is asked, "why are you happy?". she says, "i guess i didn't know what to expect" then she's asked why the other one isn't happy, "she expected something different". reminds me that we shouldn't hold too tight to expectations.  life is going to take us where it needs to take us.  all you can do is learn to adapt to the changes that will confront you. 

eventually, it will be the end for each of us. in 100 years-maybe more for some, most of us will be completely forgotten.  perhaps a blip in a family history, but even that won't bring to life who you were, what you did and didn't do. all those things that we bother over each and every day, items we find precious are only for us, in 100 years...none of it will exist.  

had a bit of anxiety off and on through the day.  i worked through it.  we are all working through some stuff, that is the thing with life.  we all have crap. nobody escapes it. 

overall a great day.  

better dig out a few more spiders for the candy slide.  it will rise again...the kids enjoy getting their candy that way. one good thing that came of Covid, haha. 

there was some super tall lupine out there this summer. the fireweed wasn't as dramatic as some years.  this place is dramatic and unpredictable. 

many out skating this week.  i do love how Alaskans just adapt their outdoor activities to what the current conditions are without bitching about those current conditions.  they take their kids out there with them  makes me so happy for those kids and families. what a great gift to grow up here.  so many outdoor opportunities. 

Ivy loves linen change days.  she is so dang sweet. 

we did lose one tennis ball out there.  we have many replacements...it's all about tennis ball karma.  give to other dogs and sometimes balls come back to us.  

they really got pretty lucky weather wise, considering how much rain we got this year. 

well, it's time to stop rambling and hunt for spiders!  i do have one more pumpkin to carve.  one is melted beyond recognition.  

grateful for A. friends, new and hate to say old....lol, new and reliable/tested/consistent/cherished....hmm B. sunny days and lovely strolls C. peace, love, acceptance

we aren't all okay and it's okay to not be okay...

 

we deal with a lot of death and dying.  we are expected to just be okay with that. we aren't asked if we aren't okay. we aren't asked anything. we just get back to work, take care of the next patient, move on to the next death. 

don't get me wrong.  it can actually be one of the most rewarding things being there for that time in life.  being there for the patient, for the family, for your co-workers.  i suspect we have all pretended far too often that we are tough as old leather and we just move from death to death not impacted in the least. we are impacted. some deaths are more impactful than others. the young ones, the sudden ones, the unexpected...

we aren't encouraged to take care of ourselves and our own emotions related to the deaths we deal with.  the opposite actually. they need us to be at work.  they need us to suck back any feelings we may have and be there for the next patient.  there is never enough staff members for us to just deal with our feelings. to be in the moment of a death. to admit that we aren't okay being okay this time or that time. there have been times they are trying to flip the bed quickly and give you another critical patient after you just had a death.  you are expected to just flip a switch on the one death and move on to another. 

the song by Nightbirde comes to mind often.  she was young, she died of cancer. the song is "it's ok". it's true for us all. "it's okay, it's okay, if you are lost, we are all a little lost and it's alright". 

does it get harder to deal with the death? not sure.  i think you learn to tuck it in deeper over time. it never means it's not there, brewing...

we aren't really granted mental health days or even encouraged to deal with what we deal with. we aren't anything, really.  we just return to work the next day as if there was no break in our hearts. 

i've seen the videos and photos coming out of Gaza and Israel is not doing themselves any favors.  they are not winning the social media war by relentlessly bombing an area that is predominantly children...as the life expectancy is quite low in the area. this situation is proof of the futility of it all. the terrorists come and destroy lives in the most brutal fashion and then they are bombed in a rage that seems to defy rationality. supposed proof that hospital wasn't targeted, perhaps not but they are going without power, water, fuel. incubators full of babies that will die without those basics...not a great look to have out there. there is no good side in this conflict. it's all horrific. what Hamas did was horrific, what Hamas continues to do by using their hostages as cover and tools and by also using the people of Gaza as their shields and social media fuel. they don't care about those poor people any more than Israel does. 

my heart breaks for the hospital workers who are trying to stop the bleeding with minimal support and tools. they must go from death and disaster to more death and disaster. they aren't okay and never will be and yet they will keep carrying on, because that is what you do. you help who you can and look away from those you can't. 

today, i'm a little not okay but it's okay. we have the benefit i guess, of knowing that our issues are small by comparison.  that helps a little i guess. still, it's okay, to not always be okay. 

my internet has been mostly out this past week.  tv as well. so it's been many phone calls to tech support, trip to the store in hopes of fixing the issue and finally a visit today from the tech crew. admittedly, their service is much better than a few years back.  thank you. it should be noted that FU is part of my password.  haha. so that's been a bit frustrating as well. tech stuff can make you nuts. i worked last night and tech was scheduled for afternoon so i could sleep and return to work tonight. instead they called to see if they could come early.  that meant only a few hours sleep and a headache.  couldn't get back to sleep after they called. my router had decided to not accept my password. 

i put the year i change the router into the passcode, which i think the tech guy actually saw as clever. gives me an indicator as to when it's due. i was thinking soon i'd change it out and get a new computer as this one is pretty dated as well. anyway, ended up calling out.  too exhausted, no sleep, headache.  can't really deal with other peoples issues in that state.  took a long nap this evening and i'll return to bed soon. 

my first 3 nights were peds/picu.  those nights also made me not okay this week. i'd probably be called a bit of a less than stellar employee because this is probably more mental health day off, but we need to take care of ourselves some days.  

we were made to believe we are professionals.  each time i clock in and out, now with the added in/out for our lunch breaks...it's just a reminder that we were tricked into believing we were professionals. nurses are blue collar workers.  we punch a time clock, professionals are not on a clock.  

i have my stretch off now.  will be good to put some distance between myself and the hospital. 

i also had to go in for my n95 mask fit testing, i'd missed the annual one and they figured it out, haha. sadly, that also flagged my employee chart.  my tetanus is overdue and they say i never got a hep b titer.  i have gotten a few i know.  i've also had 7 hep b vaccines and i always convert back to being a non-responder. so going in there early Monday morning was not what i wanted to do.  i knew it wasn't them but i really didn't want to be at the hospital that day. i found myself tearing up over the annoyance of it all.  in truth i just wasn't okay with the emotions of my work nights. 

being okay with not being okay is not something we allow ourselves all that often.  the added little stressors will just bring out the emotions you are trying to repress. 

on the plus side the world has frozen overnight here. i love the ice time before the snow covers up the ice. i do love snow as well. but it is fun to get a good ice time.  so many cool ice formations out there.  the lakes are freezing over fast.  it's wild how sudden it can all be. 

Sunny was a bit baffled the other day at the dog park.  mostly frozen but on a few edges there was some open water.  he was in the water but pawing the ice. so confused, so cute. 

just have to be careful until it's all really solid. there is always some danger in ice but it really can be magical. the frost, the variations that ice can form in is crazy wild 

i'm back to rambling. lack of sleep still. 

i have a meeting with a potential board member this week.  so excited.  :-)  

also Halloween. i need to get the candy slide ready. 

these are from a warmer time this summer and last summer. 

always enjoy the wildflowers.  each season brings such change and drama...love it all. 

got rid of the landline. they said i could get a free phone with the changes i made to bring down my costs overall...since i was already at gci. the land line was more expensive. so the old number will still have a phone attached to it.  had liked the idea of the land line for more of the WARIS stuff.  also it's a samsung.  new system.  still figuring it out.  good to have a back up though. also good to try a different brand. easy to stick with iphone as it's more known to me.  still, the cameras are supposed to be good on the samsungs so free is free. 

also got my desk cleared since i had tech coming over. 

the dogs were not happy with being locked outside while tech was here. they survived. 

love these little state flowers.  forget me nots.  so delicate and pretty

my little kayak.  was just testing it out. 

a favorite tree, well trees i guess. great photo spot.

Ivy on the beach. 

did some shutterfly shopping on my last stretch off. hope they turn out acceptable. you just never know. 

he's got a big head. 

well, i better crash. headache is cleared so that is always good. another demerit for me.  what can i say, we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. 

grateful for A. not being a healthcare worker in a war zone B. being in a position to be able to take care of myself C. the kindness of strangers who helped me this week.  at employee health, gci and shutterfly. got some discounts as well. take care of yourselves out there....