Saturday, April 22, 2017

too tired to sleep...

 so i'm up and writing.  no idea what to write.  i have minimal thoughts at the moment.  these are at the beach with the pups.  loved the ferocious look above.  they can play pretty rough.  nice having 2 for that reason.  they get to really just have a buddy.
 they are good buddies and no blood is shed ever so no worries.  they look more ferocious than they are.
 walking is not easy this week.  the snow is slushy and punchy.  it's like walking in deep sand except occasionally you pop through the sand totally unexpectedly  into 6 inches of water.  i'm wearing the xtra tuffs.  best bet this time of year.
 woke early after working all night to sign papers.  the notary was scheduled for noon.  took a little nap in the evening.  just not enough  sleep.  well a few days of not enough sleep.  the pups still prevent deep sleep between shifts.  that will improve as they get older.
 work wasn't too taxing.  was a sitter the first two nights.  watched a little net flix.  can't even think of name of the series.  thirteen something? a girl commits suicide but before she does she does all these tapes to basically torture the people who made her life miserable.
 kind of got sucked into it, but as i watch it i see that yes, she was hurting but if you have the anger to spend hours making tapes to make others pay for hurting you, i kind of doubt you would actually kill yourself.  besides...isn't she just as bad as them by doing this?
 at some point the bullied becomes the bullier in her death.
 high school is tough.  looks way tougher now with social media and all.  many of those who this girl in this show felt tortured by were in their own hells.  that is how it works.  everyone has their own crap, especially at that age.
 hard to feel friendless or that you can't trust anyone.  i think we all have that sometimes.  we fly without a parachute often in life.  not knowing what support you have until you need it or ask for it.  people don't know you have needs unless you let them know.  i think often we sit in misery hoping people will just instinctively know we need help. are we just too embarrassed to ask for help or do we just not know how?  do we fear appearing weak?
 but we are all weak some times.  even the strong have weak moments or weak days or weak times.  times when we need to be held up.
 it's easy to keep that distance, to create more distance because letting people in can just be so damn hard some days.  even if you try to let them in, really in.  most people do not have the time or desire to really get to know you.  so much in life is surface crap.
 so much in our lives now is rapid fire.  who has time for a real conversation.
horrible tales of life,
so many harbor these histories,
held close to their hearts,
secrets not to be told,
how would it look,
people would feel uncomfortable.
so they bury them
in their souls
and talk about the weather.
 who would want to hear,
the pain that lies inside.
so we wall it off,
tuck it away,
move forward and exist.
 scream, yell, cry,
let it out,
but only in a way or place,
where no one can hear,
just play the role,
you've been given in life,
it makes people happy,
to not see you sad.
 little poetry in the wee hours.
 Miss Ivy looking pretty. want to get up and get out there and support science.  hopefully i can wake up...then walk the dogs and do the swim.
 beaches are stark at times here.  still beautiful.
 tides didn't work out today.  so we did local.  bears been out but i've just spotted her on my walk to walks, by the time i returned she was back in the tree.  dog walk is more of the priority.  i really need to plan out my summer.  what to do, where to go. so much to see up here.  hopefully we get some road trips in.
 life is pretty brutal for some. i hear the stories. being a nurse is always a good reminder of how really great my life has been.  i know no life is perfect but the things that pained me are so survivable.  i'm grateful for that.  i have the luxury of being able to reflect on my life and the little issues that seemed so large at the time...i can reflect, analyze and move forward.  regrets are is what it is, you just try to move forward and be a better you.
 so many have had lives that seem really impossible to recover from.  who knew there were so many horrible people out there having kids and bringing them into such horrible lives.  there really are terrible people out there.
 even on my worst days i know that there is little to complain of really.  could that can change in a second or a heart beat. life is that fragile.

 always love the black and white. this one above is pretty i think.
 more wrestling pups..
 Tusker is actually laying down and sliding down the hill, then up to play and then back for a slide down the hill.
 he's having a good time.

 i better head to bed for real.  sleep should come more easily now.  knots on my neck are giving me a headache.  sleep should help that though .
what did you do that was kind today?  thought i'd add that to my grateful list at the end of the blog. my kindness report...held door open for others.  it's not much but any kindness should be attempted for our fellow citizens, right?  grateful for:  A.  aid worker freed from Egypt  B.  good talks in the wee hours of the nights with co-workers...C.  doing no harm.  it can be very stressful being a nurse and every day as i drive to work i pray for patience and i pray i do no harm.

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