Saturday, July 15, 2017

june pics

 from various hikes and rambles.
 these are mostly Anchorage beach  plan to hit Seward again Sunday on my way down to Homer.  should be fun.  hopefully, get more pics of the baby walrus.  he's growing up fast i hear.
 lazy day today.  my fit bit had us for over 10 miles yesterday.  guess i earned a lazy day today. chilling is good for the soul.
 strange day.  things you don't think about and then they are there in front of you.  shock and awe i guess.  is this happening? is this a trick?  that kind of day.
 sometimes in life people seem to want to make you think you are insane with denials of things that are so clear to you.  only to find that you maybe aren't really that crazy after all. in the end...some will always see you as the crazy one though i guess.  we all have to live with ourselves and so i guess we all can now. still strange.
 conversations with my mother years ago are still with me.  my sister and i were talking about these CD's that my brother handed to us all after she passed.  thank you Tom.  it's been awhile since i listened to them.  my sister and i were remembering that the best part was just hearing their voices, hearing laughter from my Mom.
 generally, your Mom knows you the best of anyone in this world it seems.  at least i felt like mine did with me.  she knew for sure i was outspoken and that i would speak the truth.  that i get from my Dad.  for years i wondered why a particular conversation had happened.  i was not happy with the news she shared nor did i understand her rationale, it was a done deal so why tell me. my Dad was honest to a fault at times it seems.  I'm like him.  I'm sure there were times for him and for myself when not speaking out would have been better for us. i can recall many instances where others told me they waited and didn't speak  knowing i would not allow what needed to be said to go unspoken. that i would stand up for them, for all of us.
 i am grateful for that trait most of the time.  for being able to take a stand, to protect others.  for not having to look backwards too often in life wishing you had stepped forward.  defended those who could not defend themselves or wouldn't.  doubt i ever figured my mom saw that in me..or she just knew i was obnoxiously outspoken.
 in the end, i suspect she just trusted me and I'm happy for that.  we spoke nearly every day, that day was odd and the content was never brought up again...which did make it more memorable.  thanks mom...for trusting me.
 i hope i haven't been too much of a disappointment to you.  i hope you forgive me my lapses, forgive my teen years and all the drama I'm sure i created.  i hope you forgive me my unkindness, cause kids can really be mean...we seem to be most mean to our parents.
 i hope you have peace and i hope you are laughing and smiling as you look down to earth at all that you left behind..the kids, the grand kids, now the great-grand-kids...
 i know it was hard for you to leave knowing i was alone.  i hope you know I'm okay.  that i survive. it's tough some days but it's really not so bad.
 thank you....for supporting me even when you didn't agree with me.  thanks for sending me flowers on mothers day because i was a dog mom.  thanks for sending me presents when i got a new puppy because they were your grand dogs..for accepting me. thanks for telling me to take the flight on my Birthday that year because it was a beautiful day and it was amazing to land on a glacier...thanks for saying..that is what credit cards are for sometimes.
 thanks for teaching me all the things i would need to survive in this world...
 these are at the local beach.  not sure where we will walk tomorrow. the beach is always good on the weekend. the low tides are fairly late this week it seems.
 the pups really love the sand dunes.
 we all make choices and we have to live with those decisions.  we all also often have to live with the consequences of others decisions. as they say, you choose your battles.  it's fine to speak your truth but often that is all you can do...put the truth out there and let it go. if you don't put the truth out there you will never forgive yourself, but if you can't let it go and forgive others it will damage you.
 in the end, we all must live with ourselves and what is inside our heads.  i am far from perfect. I'm a work in progress.  you take the things that could be negatives and try to make them positives...for me that is stuff like being stubborn, being outspoken, being a defender of those that can't defend themselves,  being overly emotional at times...some would call that passionate.  toss in an ability to write a little bit...advocacy can have all of that.
 Ivy Rose.  such a doll.
 we hit the dog park today and then had some hose time.  these guys sure love their hose time.  leaping all over the place....and the lawn gets watered as a bonus.
 made my Mom's potato salad again today.  so often i cook things just how my mom used to cook them.  she taught me how to cook.  it was something we often did together.  i peeled a lot of potatoes as a kid.  we all did I'm sure.  there are a million little things i do that are just how my Mom taught me. how to select fruits and veggies and how to check the eggs.  how to cut up the plastic that is around cans so the fish don't get caught in them.....
 digging in the sand.
 we may have to hit the beach tomorrow. not sure yet.
 more puppies digging
 it is always a favorite place.
 super muggy out there again today.

 look at those long legs.
 can never have too many pics of the dogs it seems.  they bring me peace.
 i know this life for me would be much more difficult if i didn't have dogs and my cat.  don't care if others don't get that really i guess.  my love of animals has made life easier.
 my handsome Tusker
 i think he has finally grown into his legs.
 he gets compliments on his hair color everywhere i take him.

 should put a movie in.  should put up my new smoke detector, should fold the clothes in the dryer...but I'll probably just crash again and complete the full lazy day

 hope those who read this can forgive me when i need to be forgiven and laugh with me when we need to laugh and understand me when i need understanding. no one is an island...we need each other,  even those of us who like to pretend we don't need anyone.  we are just acting.  we do need a little help and support.
 i appreciate more and more how often my mom invited the singles to our home for meals.  i can assure you in the normal world that rarely happens...or so it seems.  my mom always had a generous heart and our home was never all that tidy, but it was always welcoming.
 guess i better ramble on.  like i said, it was a strange day.  one that made me look back a bit.

grateful for: A.  conversations, understandings, trust  B.  unexpected gifts  C.  lazy days

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