rantings of a misfit lunatic....warning...

 i got worked up in the shower.  I'm a tad annoyed, irritated, angry, hurt....it's just how it is some days.  one of these things is not like the others and clearly that thing that doesn't fit is me. 

 it's why i left to begin with.  i had a job interview in South Dakota and  i was sitting in the hotel room weighing my options.  move to a place where i knew not a soul or return home and stay where i had family. 

 these are all in Harriman in front of Surprise Glacier by the way.

 as I wrote out my pro/con list i worried that i may be lonely living where i knew not one person...but then it occurred to me that i was surrounded by family and i was already lonely.  i decided it was worse to be surrounded by people who you should feel that connection to and don't than to just be on your own.

 the disconnect wasn't new.  in felt like i didn't belong for years...as a child watching Rudolph i knew that i belonged on the land of Misfit Toys.  in my pre teen years i wrote notes over and over to my mom  expressing how much i felt like i didn't belong. my mom tried, but i suspect she just never really grasped the weight of how that felt for me.  maybe that is why I'm alone...i learned early that it's worse to be with people who should make you feel connected and don't, than to be alone.

 my folks were tired.  i was the youngest of 7 kids.  they were stressed and overwhelmed.  i get that, but i think those of us at the bottom of the line paid for it.

 i was in Texas recently.  i do not recall any of my siblings saying Gosh, Betsy will be down from AK we should all go see her.  we should fly in and make it a family visit.  can't blame them really, i am not a part of this family really...not in any normal way.  for years i do feel i put in effort.  when there was communication between myself and many siblings, it started with me. there are now several who have made greater efforts in this...but the truth is it's hit and miss and i could be dead for days/weeks and the only way it would be noted would be when i didn't show up to work.  i miss my mom for that especially, we spoke every day.  we checked in with each other...that is gone.

 i had hope that if i tried hard enough that connection would happen.  it has, at least to some degree, with several of my siblings.  with others though.  that connection, the frayed attempts at a connection, seem to have severed completely and it feels there is no hope of building any connection at all. 

 for a few, there just never really was a connection so there is no basis to make an attempt. i suspect i was an easy punching bag for one in particular.  i always took the bait and he loves to argue.  it's my fault, i should have just let him win all the arguments, not started at all (that is what everyone else does). i mean it is pointless.  he believes he is always right anyway.  he has no interest in growing from a discussion, the only goal is to completed destroy the person who is foolish enough to take the bait and attempt to show him another point of view.  i was that fool.

 not sure if that lack of a connection early in life made it easier to direct his frustration with things he didn't agree with others on towards me...but it seems that is how it is.  was it because i left a church that a few of them wanted to leave as well. i questioned my choice repeatedly. in the end, i left because for me it was the right thing.  not sure why those two both had times when they wanted to leave and then stayed.  more deeply entrenched, more committed, fear....that is more about them than me...but was i the scape goat for what they didn't do? what they couldn't do?

 visits to family have not been common but i can assure you that many have ended up with conflict.  how many times can you repeat the same thing over before you wonder why you are doing it.  so not only do i often feel a disconnect, i am often attacked when i have gone for a visit.  i do not believe i have deserved the attacks necessarily. it just seems like that is  how it is.  it's a percentage thing...like the old experiments...when you get stung over and over with a negative response you move away from the source...avoid it to save yourself.

 innocently bought Dodger Tickets and then was accused of some attempt at manipulation. sitting in a driveway because if i really wanted to see my family i would just attend church with them.  attempt to visit with brother only to have him work late, then go to the gym.  he ignored his wife's many attempts to get in touch to make even dinner plans.  when you don't see folks very often the negative experiences add up. those tickets are not cheap, who wants to spend their vacations arguing or dodging arguments.  i don't...

 it's painful because i know they had more fun with me not there this week than they would have with me.  the conflict would have been laying under the surface, waiting to come to blows.  they see the world differently than i do so it's me, not them that doesn't work.  that doesn't mean it's not painful for me to know this.  to know that there is no normal that feels safe really. it's painful to feel disconnected from people whom you wish you had a deeper connection to. 

 of course, i was invited.  pretty last minute...a few days ago.  that was their obligation.  to invite...I'm always invited..that is what he said to me. "you have always been invited to all family events.  you have been the one to choose not to participate.  you will continue to be invited but it's your call to be part of the family or not".  so yes, there it is.  i was invited...being invited and feeling welcomed are very different things....right before that sentence i was accused of being "hyper holier than thou"...that is welcoming.  still my choice, he's right. 

 that was over a year ago.  i do not see any way forward at this time.  one of these things is not like the other...that thing is me.  so i back further away. feeling less connected each year.  at some point, you have to save yourself. 

 i am in some ways, hermit like.  i do not thrive in social situations.  that doesn't mean that i do not feel hurt, that i do not feel lonely at times.  that it doesn't hurt when there is minimal interest to visit me on my rare trips south, yet when a person who couldn't be bothered to even attempt to make a fairly short drive comes to town, they all rush out to buy tickets and plan a gathering.   that the times that i do visit can be filled with frustration and anger and rejection and disrespect. it's not them it's me.  they all get along...it's me that doesn't work. 

 my life is simple here.  dogs are a source of peace, safety and comfort for me.  they do not judge, they do not argue, they have low expectations.  they do not feel me a fool for my views or choices...the adore me.  i have not felt any adoration since my mom passed.  a mother is generally your biggest fan.  we didn't always see eye to eye....but she created me and she had unconditional love for me.

 when your mom dies so goes your unconditional love...human anyway.  the dogs seem to have a pretty high opinion of me. 

 of course, right now i suspect they'd really love for me to get off the computer and take them for a walk. 

 i needed to rant.  part of me wished i was there with family because there are several that i do feel more of a connection to.  those that i appreciate for trying to keep a connection despite the many things we don't see eye to eye on...but i hope they forgive me. 

 i do believe that it was better with out me there.  the boiling water under the surface was bound to rise up and explode.  it's always better without me there when it's everyone.  not sure some relationships can be healed.  too much has happened.  too much anger beneath the surface...like a geyser it's always waiting to explode. 

 it's me and not them...i can accept that.  it's why i ended up so far away no doubt.  to give them peace to live their lives without the reminder that i walked away from it all.

 this is one of my favorite pictures of the week...SJ and TE at peace.

 so this weekend was sad for me.  missing out yet knowing that me being there would have ruined the fun they did have.  I'm invited but i know it's better without me...that years ago this family moved forward without me as a participant.  that it is more painful to pretend. i can't pretend that being there can be just a wee bit more painful for me than being away...so it tears me up.  the gap between what you wish were the reality and what is the reality.

 truth hurts sometimes but it is what it is. I've done things, they've done things. 

 sometimes the best gift you can give is peace.  without me there they can have peace too.

 i will find my peace in the woods or on the sea.  these pictures are my peace. 

 this world in the north is my peace.

 for generations family members have walked away from the typical family unit to explore the world beyond.  i like to believe that i would have been  more like those explorers of years past.  striking out, turning away from what was normal.

 it's been a good life.  i love it, but choices always come with sacrifices. no one can have it all.  they can pretend they do, but we all lose and gain.

 i did not fit in...not to the church, not to big city life, not even in the typical family unit system. 

 that makes me the freak though.  i am the one who walked away so any pain i have as a result of that is my own. 

 we make choices, we live with those choices and overall i believe myself happy with those choices...but every so often there is an event or a weekend that makes you question those choices.  brings you pain for those choices...

 so today i ranted. 

 because i wish that there was more respect for my choices, more acceptance.  more attempts by others to help bridge the divides that exist.

 we do not control any one but ourselves though so i need to be better at not feeling anger in these moments...not turning to hurt. not making it more personal than it is.  none of them connected those things or had any ill intentions...it was me that felt that.

 it's just frustrating to feel disconnected and to feel that you don't belong. to not know how to bring together what seems forever ripped apart.  to be powerless i guess.  we can't control others only our reaction to others.  at this point my reaction has become avoidance. 

 that is failure on my part as well.

 i do not see any other way.  in some ways that is just a form of self preservation.

 part of our group went much closer to the face of the glacier. i was in the middle and TE stayed further back than I.  he said he had his wife's voice in his head...she doesn't like to get closer. 

 i feel accepted by friends...for who i am.  we don't have all that history i guess.

 or maybe family relations  just come with more expectations.  decades of incidences have added up and can just become too much to overcome. 

 so i worked but there was a part of me that was ripped apart a bit...wishing i was there, but knowing i didn't belong really. 

 was back in ICU for my first night. the jokes have been flying that i am "owned by ICU" at least for the summer since they are short staffed...i finally stopped by the house supervisors office....said i do love ICU but i needed a night off. i had heard we are being pre-assigned there...seemed odd since they were then putting their own staff on call. 2/3rd through that second shift an ICU nurse was called in and i was sent to ER.  last night i was in ER as well.  the spell has been broken.  great to have a break.  it's been a long, emotional stretch in ICU....i rarely ask for a change, but i did.

 well i better hit the trails. not sure where yet...maybe just hit the airstrip. 

thankful: A. for friends and family who accept me for who i am, who respect me.  B.  for the unconditional love of dogs.  C. for all those phone calls each day with my Mom....she is missed greatly.